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Healing from break up - like grieving a death?


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Something I thought though, you know how like when someone dies, we grieve but we still carry on with our daily lives go about our normal business after a few days or a week or so after they have passed. When that happens we put on a brave face and carry on as best we can, however every now and then your feelings come into play and we miss or think about the person the loss etc.

 

Same goes for relationships ending. It's like someone dying. We have to grieve, but at the same time be strong and carry on with life. More importantly LIVE not just exist.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

Apprantley we have to go through all four of these too truly grieve and move on if you miss one emotion out you might suffer in future relationships because you haven't moved on properly?

 

Anger

Sadness

Fear

Sorrow

 

So when we grieve a death we must go throguh the above in the same way we go through these when we experience a death of a relationship.

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Yep the end of a relationship is very similar to losing someone to death. The feelings are pretty much paralell.... thats been my experience at least....

 

And it is gradual but you do actually release that person from your life although it's a painful ending....

 

Thats when you truly begin to heal I think.

 

Sandy

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Very similar, especially in certain instances. I think a lot of us feel like the person that we loved is gone. For whatever reason, they chose to move on with their lives and detach themselves from us, often very suddenly. I find myself grieving more for the man that I loved than thinking about who he is now or who he will be. That person that I loved is gone forever, and all that I can do now is grieve for him as if he is a person who actually died.

 

I think those four steps are very applicable in that sense.

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My relationship with my girlfriend ended a little over a week ago. I can tell you that the emotions associated with that are the same as when a loved one dies. There is dispair, extreme sadness, hopelessness, loneliness and fear. In my humble opinion there is a twist to it, the person you loved didn't die...they just don't want you anymore. Thats a tough one to swallow. I keep hearing that it just takes time to overcome these feelings, but man, its tough.

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My relationship with my girlfriend ended a little over a week ago. I can tell you that the emotions associated with that are the same as when a loved one dies. There is dispair, extreme sadness, hopelessness, loneliness and fear. I my humble opinion there is a twist to it, the person you loved didn't die...they just don't want you anymore. Thats a tough one to swallow. I keep hearing that it just takes time to overcome these feelings, but man, its tough.

 

So very true, and I think in a way can actually make the grieving process longer than for those we've lost due to death in some cases, because our minds can't accept that this person who we so loved is truly gone because, at least in sense that they are alive and able to love (someone else) they are still out there. I think for many of us we almost have to think of our ex's as if they've in fact died and stay in NC in order to really move through the stages of grieving that's been outlined here so well.

 

A good friend of mine lost his girlfriend to cancer about a year ago. He was function very well within a couple of months but seems like he's having a tough time making connections to new women. I think that out of a breakup, once we can make a connection with someone new, the healing really accelerates quickly. I know for me it takes me many many months to get to that place after a signficant relationship breakup. Good thread Bubblyblond11!

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I think that is it, because the person is still out there, it makes it harder to accept and come to terms with.

 

Perhaps we need to pretend they are dead?

 

Bingo!!! Death is final. Nothing can change it or reverse it! Breaking up with somebody you love and are still connected to you, gives you very similar feelings & emotions.. To compound the emotional woes, the ex's are still very much around high fiving their friends for having you out of their lives...

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I totally agree with everyone! Death is final - you cannot bring the person back and in time you move ahead. With a breakup you know the person is still alive and well and moving on with his/her life and thats the part that kills you. You are living (or existing) in your own private hell and that person has no knowledge of this and even if they do they prob dont care. W are all in the same boat together and thank god for ENA bec we have each other to help with our recoveries and get thru it.

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Totally!!

It does sound wrong, but it would be easier to pretend they are dead.

I saw my ex the other day, and somehow i saw him as a completely different person, like something had died in him, and he wasnt the person i knew, so it wasn't so hard talking to him.

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* 1. Denial and Isolation.

* 2. Anger.

* 3. Bargaining.

* 4. Depression.

* 5. Acceptance.

 

are the 5 stages of grief, which you can easily relate to a breakup, grief doesnt mean death, it means, keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

 

so love of a loved when through break up, you can easily see from past relationships the stages that you went through

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Even being 34, I have never had to go through what I am going through now. Only 2nd serious relatioship and the first one was abusive and I after 7yrs had the courage to leave him.

 

On the plus side until Dec 2006 I was single (apart from casual relatioships/one night stands) for 4yrs, so now in my current situation I know that being on your own and being single really isn't as bad as what people think. So I know I will be fine on my own until someone worthy of my affection comes into my life again.

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Yes! I figured out it helped me after the break up (and of course to keep up with NC) thinking she had died... however later on, when she mailed me, I realised it wasn't that much of a good idea as that mail was such a shock for me when I had been 1.5 months trying to convince myself she no longer existed. So I think taking it as a death is fine when there are no possibilites of meeting her or hearing from her, but not when any day she can walk next to you on the street because it makes that day feel like you've seen a ghost! But yes... I also felt like the one person I loved the most in the world had been taken away from me... it was such a horrible feeling, knowing someone else could be hugging her and kissing her. To hard even to write it down now after 3 m NC.

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I must say, I always get rather frustrated when someone makes comparions like this.

 

Don't get me wrong, a break up DOES lead to grieving. It is the grieving of the end of the relationship, and the end of your "dreams" for that relationship. I have been there, and it hurts terribly.

 

You go through the stages of grief. In both cases you have no choice but to move on however. But there is a HUGE difference to the two, that does mean they really aren't the "same".

 

I have grieved numerous family members deaths, and several breakups, but as a "direct comparison" I can share my story below.

 

When I was 22, my boyfriend of five years (he was two weeks shy of his 26th birthday) - with whom there were serious talks and plans of marriage for when I completed school and whom was my best friend - died quite suddenly after a short illness.

 

Not only are you grieving the end of the relationship, the end of those dreams, like you are in a relationship, you are also grappling with the loss of THEIR LIFE. The fact that you, nor ANYONE - family, friends, will ever see them again. They will never be met by future friends, or see future family. You are dealing with them being ripped off the earth altogether. As much anger and hurt you may feel after a breakup - I am sure very few of you would rather have your ex ripped off the face of the earth to the loss of his or her family, friends, and their future.

 

Now, you may not have to think of them "moving on happily" if they die, but you need to deal with you moving on WITHOUT them alive. You have to deal with survivor's guilt, with feeling guilt for being attracted to someone else, for dating, with people criticizing you, with feeling like you are betraying their memory by moving on. You have to deal with what-ifs surrounding their death - what if I had called sooner, what if we had made them do surgery sooner, what if I had told him to get to the ER that morning when I last saw him, what if, what if, what if. Not what if's surrounding "woudl he have stayed with me" but what ifs surrounding whether he would of lived or not.

 

Not only that, but you are dealing with your own identity now as that "widow", or that "dead man's girlfriend".....even friends don't look at you the same anymore, and you feel pity following you everywhere.

 

Believe me, I had to go through a lot of counselling and therapy to move past all that.

 

You really cannot compare the two. I am sure you did not mean anything by it, but I know it used to really bother me when my experience was still really fresh when people would make comments/statements like this, when they would say "oh, I know how you feel, my boyfriend and I broke up last month....". I know they meant well, but it was really quite a silly thing to say.

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Even being 34, I have never had to go through what I am going through now. Only 2nd serious relatioship and the first one was abusive and I after 7yrs had the courage to leave him.

 

On the plus side until Dec 2006 I was single (apart from casual relatioships/one night stands) for 4yrs, so now in my current situation I know that being on your own and being single really isn't as bad as what people think. So I know I will be fine on my own until someone worthy of my affection comes into my life again.

 

 

 

Yeah after the relationship with the ex wife of 12 years (5 married) it was about 3 years (apart from casual relations/one nite stands) before I got into another relationship and that ended in January time this year.

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there is a huge difference between a death and a relationship...

 

when someone dies you should have a different felling... Usually you should realize that the person that you just lost is NEVER going to come back, the only thing that you can do is believe in the after life (heaven) and hope that they are watching over you. The only time that you will ever see that person again is if you die and you go to heaven.

 

On the other hand, if you just got out of a bad relationship the one thing that you should have is faith and courage. You know that the person that you just broke up with is always just a phone call away. You two may never be able to get back together but you can become frinds with them and talk to them.

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there is a huge difference between a death and a relationship...

 

when someone dies you should have a different felling... Usually you should realize that the person that you just lost is NEVER going to come back, the only thing that you can do is believe in the after life (heaven) and hope that they are watching over you. The only time that you will ever see that person again is if you die and you go to heaven.

 

On the other hand, if you just got out of a bad relationship the one thing that you should have is faith and courage. You know that the person that you just broke up with is always just a phone call away. You two may never be able to get back together but you can become frinds with them and talk to them.

 

 

Depends really, how much they hurt you, is the relationship worth saving and do you want to get back together.

 

I know there is clearly a huge difference between break ups and death, I just mean the feelings and emotions are quite similar, in both cases you are grieving for a loss of a person/relationship.

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I know there is clearly a huge difference between break ups and death, I just mean the feelings and emotions are quite similar, in both cases you are grieving for a loss of a person/relationship.

 

I agree with you on that. What i did to get over my ex was to see him as being dead. It made things slightly easier for me when i see that the person i loved is never ever gonna come back. I guess it helped me a great deal with severing the emotional dependency i had with him.

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