boyfriend wants me to try christianity

Venga · 07-28-2007, 10:53 AM

I live two hours away from my boyfriend, and we've been together for about a year now.
We had some problems and i kinda over reacted and said "i was done and had to move on with my life."
because he's very busy and i rarely hear from him.... i made an irrational decision without talking to him (although i find irony here... every time i wanted to talk he wasn't there.)
beside the point!

i love him and i want to be with him.

BUT ... he wants me to try his religion. i was raised by a christian family and went to church often, but i was uncomfortable with it my entire life.
Finally, only a few years ago, i realized i didn't HAVE to believe that.
in short.. i have a pretty agnostic/athiest view. I have never argued that what he belives isn't true, but it just didn't work for me. i took me 17 or 18 years to find what made me comfortable, and now, he wants to change that.

he is very involved with his church and religion is very important to him. but it seems things have changed little by little over time. I used to be very uncomfortable in church, but now when i visit him i suck it up and go every sunday i'm there, instead of every now and then.
he doesn't want his children (no we don't have any) raised by my views, thinking its ok to not go to church if you don't want. He wants his children to understand that "its the truth. and they'll go to church every sunday..."

I'm more than willing to compromise. I thought our children would be great. they would have the chance i didn't have... to choose what makes sense to them. They could be very open minded and understand that not everyone sees the same....

we are an amazing coupole. when we're together we're disgustingly in love. I've never clicked with anyone the way we do. i rarely see this connection in other couples.
but we have this ONE difference. one that i am willing to compromise and he's not.

what in the hell am i to do?

tylercdurden2004 · 07-28-2007, 11:08 AM

It this like trying ice cream with those little spoons?

At the end of the day you either believe in the religion or you dont.

Shiranai · 07-28-2007, 11:20 AM

Many couples broke up over religion, and my boyfriend and I reached a compromise.

He works in the military as a religious programmer, and is devoted to Catholicism. I am a hardcore atheist who think of religion as nothing more than a joke people took too seriously.

The agreement is that he will not interfere with my atheist views if I don't try to talk him out of his religion. (Yeah, I'm the one with the stronger views in our relationship.)

So, he goes to church alone, doesn't mention his god in front of me, and doesn't say things like "I am blessed by god yadda yadda yadda" because he knows that will gross me out.

In return, I refrain from expressing my views on all religions in front of him.

Sometimes we slip and I will accidentally dog on his religion but I always apologize.

As of kids, we agreed that he can take kids to the church for the first 12 years, but after that they get to decide if they want to go or not. We also agreed they can go to church but they have to accept it's okay to be an atheist or from other religions, and their god(s) might not exist.

I think though, the only reason our's work is because we're both fairly tolerant towards the other person's views. He grew up amongst a lot of atheist friends and his grandmother only disagrees with protestants. I was with the Catholic church until I was 9 and decided it's not something I can believe in just based on logic alone.) I also sing for/with/etc the church since I love singing, so I learned a lot of catholic hymns or songs, so I am used to that kind of environment.

We agreed though, that our wedding vow is not going to contain a word of god or anything in reference to god. We can have it in a church or with a pastor (whatever you call them these days), as long as I don't have to repeat anything weird.

Blue Skittles · 07-28-2007, 11:25 AM

I dont really want to change your opinion or anything, i just think maybe its not such a huge issue. that being said i grew up christian - going to church every sunday and i had 4 siblings. I also had many friends who also grew up like this. I had friends that grew up with no religion. At the end of the day, when we were 18, we all took our own direction. Few of us stayed so faithful to the religion, some gave it up completely, some non-religious people ended up finding comfort in christianity or buddhism. I even took lots of time to explore different faiths.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say here is that at the end of the day, when your children are old enough, they will make their own decision regardless of how they were raised. They'll think about things and explore other faiths and decide whats right for them.

StarLily · 07-28-2007, 11:26 AM

what Shiranai does the best thing you can do in this situation, Venga. I almost ended up being in the same situation. I went to his church once too and could not bear hearing any of that what they do in there. It was one of the worst moments of my life. He also said things that he wanted his kids to go to church every sunday. I told him my kids would have a choice. Well we broke up before it could get any worse (but religion wasn't the reason).

lizer · 07-28-2007, 11:34 AM

i dont think you need to go as far as considering any future children. the marriage itself will suffer if two do not agree on something like this. if he is serious about following his christian beliefs and following the bible, then he would know better(as a christian) than to be romantically involved with someone who does not place the same importance on it as he. the thing you should agree (and believe/follow) on most, you do not.

Leonhart · 07-28-2007, 11:41 AM

I'd say you should break up. He's not going to abandon God for you - few devout Christians would abandon God for a woman - and you don't have any desire to adopt his faith, so it sounds like you're just postponing the inevitable.

Dako · 07-28-2007, 01:05 PM

Couples don't have to match like bookends, and few really do.
I don't see it as a huge issue if you respect each other's beliefs.
Atheism is a definate belief.

Bonzophuebes1 · 07-28-2007, 01:35 PM

Personally, there are 2 things that need to be discussed before you date someone when looking for life partner, not short term. Religion and children. Both of these things are not "I left the toilet seat up again" arguments. these are things that are very personal to each individual person. You cannot expect nor should that someone give up their relgion or their wanting or not wanting of children for you or vice versa. You cannot make someone a believer when they do not want to as only God and Jesus can do that. Since you do not believe that will be tough. You said you were raised in a chrisitan based home and that you have just decided it is easier not to believe than to believe, which I think is true for most people. The singe biggest reason for atheism today are Christians who acknowldege with their lips then go about thier sinful lives. That is a quote from someone, I dont know who though. So, as some of the other posters have stated, you should leave this relationship as it will only cause very deep riffs between you later on. I do ask one thing, have you tried his faith, religion? there are many and NONE are right. Only ones that make you feel comfortable and happy. I myself prefer non-denominational churches as they are organized in their non-organized tradition. I would give it a chance and just see if GOD speaks to you through that church as i suspect you really believe but just find it easier not to. So true for most of us. In the end, if God does not speak to you, then I would reccomend that you terminate the relationship as it will as I said cause deeper problems later on. That is my 2 cents.

agent · 07-28-2007, 02:18 PM

Quote:

The singe biggest reason for atheism today are Christians who acknowldege with their lips then go about thier sinful lives.

I think the biggest cause of atheism is that people these days just don't believe in God. Sometimes it's not about what other people believe. And she's grown up Xtian. Telling her to try a belief that she's not comfortable with and already had a struggle with isn't really very helpful and insinuates that her bf's beliefs are worth more than her own.

Honestly, reading your post I thought that while you are supportive of your bf's beliefs I don't feel that he is in anyway supportive of your beliefs.

You have found a worldview that suits you, and he want's to change it.
He has one truth and you have another. And he wants his to be the Truth that you raise your kids in no questions asked.

My question isn't about the kids but does fall into that. How do you think you would cope living in a house that had such an emphasis on religion and having to tow that line everyday for the rest of your life?

You're not comfortable now, imagine how you will feel in 10 - 20 years.

Religion can be the only area of dissent, but when it's there it's the MAJOR area imo.

07-28-2007, 10:53 AM	#1
Venga Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: tennessee Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 22	boyfriend wants me to try christianity I live two hours away from my boyfriend, and we've been together for about a year now. We had some problems and i kinda over reacted and said "i was done and had to move on with my life." because he's very busy and i rarely hear from him.... i made an irrational decision without talking to him (although i find irony here... every time i wanted to talk he wasn't there.) beside the point! i love him and i want to be with him. BUT ... he wants me to try his religion. i was raised by a christian family and went to church often, but i was uncomfortable with it my entire life. Finally, only a few years ago, i realized i didn't HAVE to believe that. in short.. i have a pretty agnostic/athiest view. I have never argued that what he belives isn't true, but it just didn't work for me. i took me 17 or 18 years to find what made me comfortable, and now, he wants to change that. he is very involved with his church and religion is very important to him. but it seems things have changed little by little over time. I used to be very uncomfortable in church, but now when i visit him i suck it up and go every sunday i'm there, instead of every now and then. he doesn't want his children (no we don't have any) raised by my views, thinking its ok to not go to church if you don't want. He wants his children to understand that "its the truth. and they'll go to church every sunday..." I'm more than willing to compromise. I thought our children would be great. they would have the chance i didn't have... to choose what makes sense to them. They could be very open minded and understand that not everyone sees the same.... we are an amazing coupole. when we're together we're disgustingly in love. I've never clicked with anyone the way we do. i rarely see this connection in other couples. but we have this ONE difference. one that i am willing to compromise and he's not. what in the hell am i to do?

07-28-2007, 11:08 AM	#2
tylercdurden2004 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle East Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 3,696	It this like trying ice cream with those little spoons? At the end of the day you either believe in the religion or you dont. __________________ "Depend Upon it, Sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully." - Samuel Johnson "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" - Ralph Waldo Emerson Avatar: Whale Skin Hubcaps Dealer. Nice guys: www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=136757&highlight=horsey

07-28-2007, 11:26 AM	#5
StarLily Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 1,273	what Shiranai does the best thing you can do in this situation, Venga. I almost ended up being in the same situation. I went to his church once too and could not bear hearing any of that what they do in there. It was one of the worst moments of my life. He also said things that he wanted his kids to go to church every sunday. I told him my kids would have a choice. Well we broke up before it could get any worse (but religion wasn't the reason). __________________ Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep....it's time to trust my insticts, close my eyes.....and leap...

07-28-2007, 01:35 PM	#9
Bonzophuebes1 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: If this is living, I am not affraid of death. It cannot be much worse. Gender: Male Posts: 450	Personally, there are 2 things that need to be discussed before you date someone when looking for life partner, not short term. Religion and children. Both of these things are not "I left the toilet seat up again" arguments. these are things that are very personal to each individual person. You cannot expect nor should that someone give up their relgion or their wanting or not wanting of children for you or vice versa. You cannot make someone a believer when they do not want to as only God and Jesus can do that. Since you do not believe that will be tough. You said you were raised in a chrisitan based home and that you have just decided it is easier not to believe than to believe, which I think is true for most people. The singe biggest reason for atheism today are Christians who acknowldege with their lips then go about thier sinful lives. That is a quote from someone, I dont know who though. So, as some of the other posters have stated, you should leave this relationship as it will only cause very deep riffs between you later on. I do ask one thing, have you tried his faith, religion? there are many and NONE are right. Only ones that make you feel comfortable and happy. I myself prefer non-denominational churches as they are organized in their non-organized tradition. I would give it a chance and just see if GOD speaks to you through that church as i suspect you really believe but just find it easier not to. So true for most of us. In the end, if God does not speak to you, then I would reccomend that you terminate the relationship as it will as I said cause deeper problems later on. That is my 2 cents. __________________ BoNzOpHuEbEs1 We must be the change we wish to see. Gandhi

07-28-2007, 11:20 AM	#3
Shiranai Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 429	Many couples broke up over religion, and my boyfriend and I reached a compromise. He works in the military as a religious programmer, and is devoted to Catholicism. I am a hardcore atheist who think of religion as nothing more than a joke people took too seriously. The agreement is that he will not interfere with my atheist views if I don't try to talk him out of his religion. (Yeah, I'm the one with the stronger views in our relationship.) So, he goes to church alone, doesn't mention his god in front of me, and doesn't say things like "I am blessed by god yadda yadda yadda" because he knows that will gross me out. In return, I refrain from expressing my views on all religions in front of him. Sometimes we slip and I will accidentally dog on his religion but I always apologize. As of kids, we agreed that he can take kids to the church for the first 12 years, but after that they get to decide if they want to go or not. We also agreed they can go to church but they have to accept it's okay to be an atheist or from other religions, and their god(s) might not exist. I think though, the only reason our's work is because we're both fairly tolerant towards the other person's views. He grew up amongst a lot of atheist friends and his grandmother only disagrees with protestants. I was with the Catholic church until I was 9 and decided it's not something I can believe in just based on logic alone.) I also sing for/with/etc the church since I love singing, so I learned a lot of catholic hymns or songs, so I am used to that kind of environment. We agreed though, that our wedding vow is not going to contain a word of god or anything in reference to god. We can have it in a church or with a pastor (whatever you call them these days), as long as I don't have to repeat anything weird.

07-28-2007, 11:25 AM	#4
Blue Skittles Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Canada Age: 26 Posts: 1,091	I dont really want to change your opinion or anything, i just think maybe its not such a huge issue. that being said i grew up christian - going to church every sunday and i had 4 siblings. I also had many friends who also grew up like this. I had friends that grew up with no religion. At the end of the day, when we were 18, we all took our own direction. Few of us stayed so faithful to the religion, some gave it up completely, some non-religious people ended up finding comfort in christianity or buddhism. I even took lots of time to explore different faiths. Anyways, what I'm trying to say here is that at the end of the day, when your children are old enough, they will make their own decision regardless of how they were raised. They'll think about things and explore other faiths and decide whats right for them.

07-28-2007, 11:34 AM	#6
lizer Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 452	i dont think you need to go as far as considering any future children. the marriage itself will suffer if two do not agree on something like this. if he is serious about following his christian beliefs and following the bible, then he would know better(as a christian) than to be romantically involved with someone who does not place the same importance on it as he. the thing you should agree (and believe/follow) on most, you do not.

07-28-2007, 11:41 AM	#7
Leonhart Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,411	I'd say you should break up. He's not going to abandon God for you - few devout Christians would abandon God for a woman - and you don't have any desire to adopt his faith, so it sounds like you're just postponing the inevitable.

07-28-2007, 01:05 PM	#8
Dako Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 9,115	Couples don't have to match like bookends, and few really do. I don't see it as a huge issue if you respect each other's beliefs. Atheism is a definate belief.