Surprise debt

Niere · 07-27-2007, 09:51 AM

I just learned last night that we have $55,000 in debt. My husband was managing our money, finances, etc by himself. If I asked in the past to make sure we were OK, he assured me we were (we had a small credit card debt that was being paid down or something). Recently, I've been wanting to help out, he'd been resisting, but suddenly he dropped our finances in my lap and only last night did I learn the extent of the debt.

I am so freaked out. I don't really even know where to begin. There are 8 separate debts ranging from $200 to $13,000. I'm considering seeing if I can consolidate everything except my student loans.

What does a person do when a spouse keeps a secret like that? I trusted him all this time to handle things and to tell me if there were problems and he wasn't and didn't! Maybe I should have insisted on actual figures or something, but I trusted him. He's my husband for crying out loud and I didn't feel like we had secrets from each other.

**annie24** · 07-27-2007, 09:59 AM

wow. wow. that is crazy. Well, from now on, you two need to work on the finances TOGETHER. that is a lot of debt. how did you two get so far in? Have you ever watched that show on TV "Big Spender" (It's on A&E.) The debt management counselor helps the couple/family get back on track.

You should write out all of your finances, where did the debts go, and make a budget. cut out everything extraneous. if you have a new car, trade it in for a used. have a garage sale. take overtime at work. it's going to be painful, but you two are going to have to dig yourselves out of this.

I think you two should speak with a financial planner right away. And maybe a marriage counselor also.

IGotAGoldStar · 07-27-2007, 10:05 AM

First.. there have been times in all of our lives where we felt in over our heads and thought sticking our heads in the sand was a good option. It sounds like maybe your husband might have been there.

I would be mad, confused, hurt, and frantic too... but I wouldn't stop trusting him as long as I became assured that the debt that we had racked up was ours and not something he had done with some kind of a secret life.

If it is your debt as a couple, then you are as responsable as he is because if in fact that was all money that you two had spent together, then you should have had some idea along the way that you were overspending. $10000 debt I can maybe see that you might not have caught on you were going over your income, but at $550000 it wasn't just him sticking his head in the sand, it was you too.

kellbell · 07-27-2007, 10:15 AM

Hey there,

This is why when a couple gets married, things like this need to be discussed beforehand. You both are sharing an income and accumulating debts together, it is very important for both of you to know where your money is going. With that said, what is the debt from? Like Annie pointed out, if you have that fancy-shmancy SUV, get rid of it. Trade it for a cheaper used car, get rid of those car payments.

You need to sit down one night over coffee and figure out where your money is going, what you can cut back on. If you go to Starbuck's every morning, stop and brew your own coffee at home. Things like that really add up. If you are going on fancy vacations, refrain from doing that. There are many things you are going to have to cut back on or cut out completely in order to get ahead on your bills.

Perhaps get a financial counselor to help you get a hold of your debt, 55K is a lot of debt.

In closing, I would really not be mad at your husband entirely. You are 50% responsible for this debt as well.

Good luck.

Kalika · 07-27-2007, 10:16 AM

Wow.

First off, your husband should not have kept this from you, but you shouldn't have LET him keep this from you. That's enough of that.

The most important thing you need to do, IMMEDIATELY, is start downgrading BIG TIME. You need to seriously cut any frivolous expenses -- new cars, trips to the salon, fast food, etc. You need to make and stick to a VERY STRICT budget, and most importantly, you need to start paying off that debt now.

If you are extremely careful with your money, this debt really shouldn't take that long to eliminate. You could do it within a few years. This may mean taking on several jobs, and of course the downgrading of everything in your lives, but it can be done.

lonely_me · 07-27-2007, 10:18 AM

Oh wow, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that! I definitely agree with everything annie said... work on finances together, budget, and sell off whatever you can. Make sure your budget is super strict - every penny that goes in and out should be accounted for. Also, side aside about $1000 for emergencies and then cut up the credit cards. Order the debts from smallest to biggest and start knocking them out beginning with the smallest. If you have an emergency, use part of your emergency fund for it and then stop paying off the debt until you've replenished the $1000 emergency fund. Once you've finished paying off your debt, then try to build up a 3 - 6 month emergency fund so you don't get in to debt any more.

What I outlined above are the first three steps in a book I read that my husband and I use as a roadmap for our finances. It's called The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. He has podcasts on his website you can download for free, too. He gets a little preachy sometimes, but it's still really helpful.

I don't know if debt consolidation would really help... I've heard that 88% of people who consolidate end up back in debt after paying it off because all they've done is treated a symptom, not a problem.

Goodluck to you and your husband! I am sure this much be so stressful for you both right now... just stay positive and work as hard as you can so work your way out of this mess.

Cassie · 07-28-2007, 05:09 PM

Hi Niere -

Wow, talk about being blindsided. Are you aware of what each of these eight debts are for? Do you know what % interest rates all eight currently are at?

Cassie · 07-28-2007, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Niere

I am so freaked out. I don't really even know where to begin. There are 8 separate debts ranging from $200 to $13,000. I'm considering seeing if I can consolidate everything except my student loans.

Niere -

Here are some steps on where to begin.

Establish a list of all your creditors. Pull your credit card statements and write down the name of your creditors, their addresses, the total amount you owe, minimum payments due, and the interest rates you're being charged

Know how much you owe. If you know you've charged on some credit cards since these statements, call the 1-800 Customer Service number on the card to receive the most recent, up-to-date balances and minimum payments due

Get financial help. You can access the Financial Planning Association (FPA) for a certified financial planner in your hometown. The FPA can be reached toll-free at (800) 647-6340 or at [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. Another great resource is the National Assocation of Personal Financial Planners (NAPFA), whom you may contact at (800) 366-2732 or at [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

Take heart. Through dedicated time and persistence, you WILL get through this.
*warm hugs*

07-27-2007, 09:51 AM	#1
Niere Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Des Moines, IA Gender: Female Age: 31 Posts: 5	Surprise debt I just learned last night that we have $55,000 in debt. My husband was managing our money, finances, etc by himself. If I asked in the past to make sure we were OK, he assured me we were (we had a small credit card debt that was being paid down or something). Recently, I've been wanting to help out, he'd been resisting, but suddenly he dropped our finances in my lap and only last night did I learn the extent of the debt. I am so freaked out. I don't really even know where to begin. There are 8 separate debts ranging from $200 to $13,000. I'm considering seeing if I can consolidate everything except my student loans. What does a person do when a spouse keeps a secret like that? I trusted him all this time to handle things and to tell me if there were problems and he wasn't and didn't! Maybe I should have insisted on actual figures or something, but I trusted him. He's my husband for crying out loud and I didn't feel like we had secrets from each other.

07-27-2007, 10:15 AM	#4
kellbell Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 4,333	Hey there, This is why when a couple gets married, things like this need to be discussed beforehand. You both are sharing an income and accumulating debts together, it is very important for both of you to know where your money is going. With that said, what is the debt from? Like Annie pointed out, if you have that fancy-shmancy SUV, get rid of it. Trade it for a cheaper used car, get rid of those car payments. You need to sit down one night over coffee and figure out where your money is going, what you can cut back on. If you go to Starbuck's every morning, stop and brew your own coffee at home. Things like that really add up. If you are going on fancy vacations, refrain from doing that. There are many things you are going to have to cut back on or cut out completely in order to get ahead on your bills. Perhaps get a financial counselor to help you get a hold of your debt, 55K is a lot of debt. In closing, I would really not be mad at your husband entirely. You are 50% responsible for this debt as well. Good luck. __________________ "Let your soul be your pilot, let your soul guide you, it will guide you well." Sting <---- me and my mom :) "Get busy living or get busy dyin', damn right..." Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.

07-28-2007, 05:09 PM	#7
Cassie Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 610	Hi Niere - Wow, talk about being blindsided. Are you aware of what each of these eight debts are for? Do you know what % interest rates all eight currently are at? __________________ If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have gotten anywhere.

07-27-2007, 09:59 AM	#2
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,827	wow. wow. that is crazy. Well, from now on, you two need to work on the finances TOGETHER. that is a lot of debt. how did you two get so far in? Have you ever watched that show on TV "Big Spender" (It's on A&E.) The debt management counselor helps the couple/family get back on track. You should write out all of your finances, where did the debts go, and make a budget. cut out everything extraneous. if you have a new car, trade it in for a used. have a garage sale. take overtime at work. it's going to be painful, but you two are going to have to dig yourselves out of this. I think you two should speak with a financial planner right away. And maybe a marriage counselor also.

07-27-2007, 10:05 AM	#3
IGotAGoldStar Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Between Canada and Mexico Gender: None Specified Posts: 52	First.. there have been times in all of our lives where we felt in over our heads and thought sticking our heads in the sand was a good option. It sounds like maybe your husband might have been there. I would be mad, confused, hurt, and frantic too... but I wouldn't stop trusting him as long as I became assured that the debt that we had racked up was ours and not something he had done with some kind of a secret life. If it is your debt as a couple, then you are as responsable as he is because if in fact that was all money that you two had spent together, then you should have had some idea along the way that you were overspending. $10000 debt I can maybe see that you might not have caught on you were going over your income, but at $550000 it wasn't just him sticking his head in the sand, it was you too.

07-27-2007, 10:16 AM	#5
Kalika Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 1,343	Wow. First off, your husband should not have kept this from you, but you shouldn't have LET him keep this from you. That's enough of that. The most important thing you need to do, IMMEDIATELY, is start downgrading BIG TIME. You need to seriously cut any frivolous expenses -- new cars, trips to the salon, fast food, etc. You need to make and stick to a VERY STRICT budget, and most importantly, you need to start paying off that debt now. If you are extremely careful with your money, this debt really shouldn't take that long to eliminate. You could do it within a few years. This may mean taking on several jobs, and of course the downgrading of everything in your lives, but it can be done.

07-27-2007, 10:18 AM	#6
lonely_me Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 169	Oh wow, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that! I definitely agree with everything annie said... work on finances together, budget, and sell off whatever you can. Make sure your budget is super strict - every penny that goes in and out should be accounted for. Also, side aside about $1000 for emergencies and then cut up the credit cards. Order the debts from smallest to biggest and start knocking them out beginning with the smallest. If you have an emergency, use part of your emergency fund for it and then stop paying off the debt until you've replenished the $1000 emergency fund. Once you've finished paying off your debt, then try to build up a 3 - 6 month emergency fund so you don't get in to debt any more. What I outlined above are the first three steps in a book I read that my husband and I use as a roadmap for our finances. It's called The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. He has podcasts on his website you can download for free, too. He gets a little preachy sometimes, but it's still really helpful. I don't know if debt consolidation would really help... I've heard that 88% of people who consolidate end up back in debt after paying it off because all they've done is treated a symptom, not a problem. Goodluck to you and your husband! I am sure this much be so stressful for you both right now... just stay positive and work as hard as you can so work your way out of this mess.