Lonely and in a relationship...

anitar123 · 07-24-2007, 12:39 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months...very short amount of time. He is a very busy guy - has his own firm and lots of social activities - poker, softball, dinners w/clients and colleaugues... I always feel like a last choice. Once he's done with everything else, then we'll hang out. For example, this weekend, he spent both full days with his friends and just hung out with me at night. I'm used to spending the entire weekends with my boyfriend, especially since we barely see each other during the week (1 or 2 times). Sometimes, he'll even be home alone and not even ask me to come over...it's weird. We broke up 2 weeks ago and this issue had partly to do with it. I have told him on numerous occasions that I don't think we spend enough time together. He always tells me that he is used to being independent and so am I, I'd just rather spend more time with him. He assures me that he loves me and when we broke up he contacted me constantly telling me how miserable he was. BTW, he's in his early 30's and I'm in my late 20's. For the past week, I've been pretty miserable. I'm tired of bringing the topic up. I have never in my life been clingy, I've just always enjoyed my boyfriends company's and vice versa. And on top of that, I just can't fall in love with him. We'll be together and I'll be happy and then something always comes up and I just get let down again...so it's like a constant roller coaster...
Sorry for venting...but I don't know what else to do.

darkpumpkin · 07-24-2007, 12:54 PM

This sounds very familiar to me.....hmm lol thing that a lot of people have told me is that when someone is totally into you they will want to spend as much time as they can with you ( minus activities that they enjoy and plan for). I went out with someone and after the first 2 months they enjoyed their independence more so then seeing me, which was one or maybe two nights during the week and once on the weekend.

I like my space but heck when I'm with someone it's nice to spend time with them. I always thought it didn't matter, that I could just waste time with this person. I mean I did have good moments with him. It was making me a very unhappy person on the whole. I would be happy when things were great and then boom something would happen and I would be sad and confused. If you are having more unhappy moments then happy ones, don't feel that he wants to spend time with you....maybe you should ask yourself if you really want to waste time with this type of person...IMO.

anitar123 · 07-24-2007, 12:58 PM

I know...I am having more unhappy times than happy ones. It's just he always has SOMETHING to do. I don't want to suspect that he's cheating on me, but it has crossed my mind. He totally has all the time in the world to do so...
I do all my activities, as well. Go to the gym, hang out with friends, but I always have extra time to be with him. I guess I just make him a priority but he doesn't make me one...

kellbell · 07-24-2007, 12:58 PM

Hey anitar,

I have looked at all your threads here, starting back to November 2006. I have noticed a trend in your threads. You go for emotionally unavailable men. You seem to put a lot of self worth and identity in your relationships. You have to look at the common demonitator in these situations and that is you. What are YOU doing that is causing all this aggrivation? What types of men are you going for, what are your patterns? And once you indentify these hindering patterns, it is time to change them and re-arrange your boundries.

This current relationship you are in now is so eerily similar to a relationship I was in years ago. My ex loved to chase and when I wanted to do something or initiated things, he would back the heck off. And he called me to hang out when it was good for HIM. I remember an occasion when we were not spending a whole lot of time together. And I got sick of waiting around. Sundays we usually hung out. However, one particular Sunday, I made other plans. Plans with mutual friends of ours, so he knew I was going and where. But he did not want to go. But he did have the gall to call me up that morning and said IF was not going with my friends, he thought it would be cool for us to take a drive, have a picnic and so forth. But he said, "I guess it is not in the cards today..." GRRRRR!!! Why could we not do this sooner, when I had no plans???

It was when I did not call or had other plans, he called. He wanted to meet up. We rarely went anywhere and it was me whom drove the 40 mile round trip to see him and hang out at his house. When I think it about it, the whole situation was lame and I wasted nine months. He never even referred me as his girlfriend. My ex as well was emotionally unavailable and just loved the thrill of the chase. I got sick of the push/pull game. I left him for other reasons as well.

My advice to you, is keep your options open. Try not to place all your eggs in one basket with this guy. Go out and have fun. And if he calls to "meet up" try not to drop everything and go on his beck and call. And I also recommend you reflect on your dating styles and the types of men you go for. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

darkpumpkin · 07-24-2007, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anitar123

I know...I am having more unhappy times than happy ones. It's just he always has SOMETHING to do. I don't want to suspect that he's cheating on me, but it has crossed my mind. He totally has all the time in the world to do so...
I do all my activities, as well. Go to the gym, hang out with friends, but I always have extra time to be with him. I guess I just make him a priority but he doesn't make me one...

Perfect way of looking at it. From the sounds of it he doesn't at the moment and when you stop making him such it is exactly as KellBell said, he will come a running. It's a cycle, not a very nice one I might add.

anitar123 · 07-24-2007, 01:12 PM

I just don't want to play the games. That's not why I have a boyfriend, you know what I mean?
I know it happens when you first meet someone, the games, but after a while, I just want to be myself and vice versa.

kellbell · 07-24-2007, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anitar123

I just don't want to play the games. That's not why I have a boyfriend, you know what I mean?
I know it happens when you first meet someone, the games, but after a while, I just want to be myself and vice versa.

I absolutely agree with your sentiments here. I always believe when the relationship is meant to be and on the right path, games are not necessary. I mean, there are some games played in the beginning, but after three months, things should not be this difficult.

I was not advocating for you to play games in my previous post. Quite the contrary actually. That is why I left my ex I spoke of earlier, I got sick of the games and doing ALL the chasing.

I really recommend you do a little self-reflection and figure out why you end up in the same situations with the men you date.

darkpumpkin · 07-24-2007, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kellbell

I absolutely agree with your sentiments here. I always believe when the relationship is meant to be and on the right path, games are not necessary. I mean, there are some games played in the beginning, but after three months, things should not be this difficult.

I was not advocating for you to play games in my previous post. Quite the contrary actually. That is why I left my ex I spoke of earlier, I got sick of the games and doing ALL the chasing.

I really recommend you do a little self-reflection and figure out why you end up in the same situations with the men you date.

This is really great advice. I have "played the game" for 9 months broke up 3 times because we were just not on the right path...more he was just not into me and I wanted to be into him. It's hard though very much so. I see what I wanted him for. You say you don't love him...you try but you can't. Why are you with him?

anitar123 · 07-24-2007, 01:23 PM

Well, I care a lot about him. When we are together, we have a great time. We laugh a lot. The sex is scarce but good. I guess I'm settling. He also does very well for himself, and I like that, too.
Honestly, all my friends are attached and I don't want to be alone. Maybe that's why I stay with these guys...

kellbell · 07-24-2007, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anitar123

Well, I care a lot about him. When we are together, we have a great time. We laugh a lot. The sex is scarce but good. I guess I'm settling. He also does very well for himself, and I like that, too.
Honestly, all my friends are attached and I don't want to be alone. Maybe that's why I stay with these guys...

Yup, my ex and I had an awesome time when we were together. Lots of laughing, goofing off, I met his folks, his friends from college, had the key to his house. I was so "in love" with the relationship's potential, I lost my way and things just spun out of control. I would have done A LOT of things different now. But I lived and learned.

There are guys out there whom WILL make you a priority. Whom WILL go out of their way for you. Being afraid of being alone is an issue on its own and that needs to be dealt with. See how this fear is doing you a great disservice? How much pain it is causing you, how much aggrivation and time being wasted? Perhaps getting to root of this fear, deal with it, and then move on from it.

07-24-2007, 12:39 PM	#1
anitar123 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 59	Lonely and in a relationship... I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months...very short amount of time. He is a very busy guy - has his own firm and lots of social activities - poker, softball, dinners w/clients and colleaugues... I always feel like a last choice. Once he's done with everything else, then we'll hang out. For example, this weekend, he spent both full days with his friends and just hung out with me at night. I'm used to spending the entire weekends with my boyfriend, especially since we barely see each other during the week (1 or 2 times). Sometimes, he'll even be home alone and not even ask me to come over...it's weird. We broke up 2 weeks ago and this issue had partly to do with it. I have told him on numerous occasions that I don't think we spend enough time together. He always tells me that he is used to being independent and so am I, I'd just rather spend more time with him. He assures me that he loves me and when we broke up he contacted me constantly telling me how miserable he was. BTW, he's in his early 30's and I'm in my late 20's. For the past week, I've been pretty miserable. I'm tired of bringing the topic up. I have never in my life been clingy, I've just always enjoyed my boyfriends company's and vice versa. And on top of that, I just can't fall in love with him. We'll be together and I'll be happy and then something always comes up and I just get let down again...so it's like a constant roller coaster... Sorry for venting...but I don't know what else to do.

07-24-2007, 12:58 PM	#4
kellbell Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 4,333	Hey anitar, I have looked at all your threads here, starting back to November 2006. I have noticed a trend in your threads. You go for emotionally unavailable men. You seem to put a lot of self worth and identity in your relationships. You have to look at the common demonitator in these situations and that is you. What are YOU doing that is causing all this aggrivation? What types of men are you going for, what are your patterns? And once you indentify these hindering patterns, it is time to change them and re-arrange your boundries. This current relationship you are in now is so eerily similar to a relationship I was in years ago. My ex loved to chase and when I wanted to do something or initiated things, he would back the heck off. And he called me to hang out when it was good for HIM. I remember an occasion when we were not spending a whole lot of time together. And I got sick of waiting around. Sundays we usually hung out. However, one particular Sunday, I made other plans. Plans with mutual friends of ours, so he knew I was going and where. But he did not want to go. But he did have the gall to call me up that morning and said IF was not going with my friends, he thought it would be cool for us to take a drive, have a picnic and so forth. But he said, "I guess it is not in the cards today..." GRRRRR!!! Why could we not do this sooner, when I had no plans??? It was when I did not call or had other plans, he called. He wanted to meet up. We rarely went anywhere and it was me whom drove the 40 mile round trip to see him and hang out at his house. When I think it about it, the whole situation was lame and I wasted nine months. He never even referred me as his girlfriend. My ex as well was emotionally unavailable and just loved the thrill of the chase. I got sick of the push/pull game. I left him for other reasons as well. My advice to you, is keep your options open. Try not to place all your eggs in one basket with this guy. Go out and have fun. And if he calls to "meet up" try not to drop everything and go on his beck and call. And I also recommend you reflect on your dating styles and the types of men you go for. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. __________________ "Let your soul be your pilot, let your soul guide you, it will guide you well." Sting <---- me and my mom :) "Get busy living or get busy dyin', damn right..." Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.

07-24-2007, 12:54 PM	#2
darkpumpkin Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: In a little office, slowly going crazy Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 1,967	This sounds very familiar to me.....hmm lol thing that a lot of people have told me is that when someone is totally into you they will want to spend as much time as they can with you ( minus activities that they enjoy and plan for). I went out with someone and after the first 2 months they enjoyed their independence more so then seeing me, which was one or maybe two nights during the week and once on the weekend. I like my space but heck when I'm with someone it's nice to spend time with them. I always thought it didn't matter, that I could just waste time with this person. I mean I did have good moments with him. It was making me a very unhappy person on the whole. I would be happy when things were great and then boom something would happen and I would be sad and confused. If you are having more unhappy moments then happy ones, don't feel that he wants to spend time with you....maybe you should ask yourself if you really want to waste time with this type of person...IMO.

07-24-2007, 01:12 PM	#6
anitar123 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 59	I just don't want to play the games. That's not why I have a boyfriend, you know what I mean? I know it happens when you first meet someone, the games, but after a while, I just want to be myself and vice versa.

07-24-2007, 01:23 PM	#9
anitar123 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 59	Well, I care a lot about him. When we are together, we have a great time. We laugh a lot. The sex is scarce but good. I guess I'm settling. He also does very well for himself, and I like that, too. Honestly, all my friends are attached and I don't want to be alone. Maybe that's why I stay with these guys...