Acts like she does, but she doesnt?

Mophead · 07-23-2007, 04:47 PM

Alright, my head is a little bit confused and I could really do with some advice on what to do with my situation.

Me and this girl, are really close, people instantly think we are boyfriend and girlfriend the way we are around each other. We touch, tease, comment, flirt, care, everything basically that you do in a relationship basically, but kissing and having sex. She says she doesn't want a relationship, but the way we are around each other feels like we are in a relationship but we're not as she says. I haven't been the first thats ended up in this situation, my friend was pretty much the same with her for 4 months, but he gave up because it was driving him mad and he is know with someone else. Now for the past 2 months this has been going on between me and this girl but I do not know where I stand and what to do. Do I keep on trying and trying to get with her? Do I talk to her about it? Do I walk away? I am absolutely confused inside! Why act as i your wanting a relationship, but say that you don't! Even with my friend she was the same and now shes just jumped to me! I do not know where I stand between me and this girl and if its even worth bothering!

My head feels like a nuclear bomb exploded inside...

stranded247 · 07-23-2007, 05:04 PM

hey,
She sounds like one of those girls who just likes to tease guys but doesn't really want anything more serious than a bit of fun. Learn from your friend's mistake and move on, he's now with someone, maybe if you moved on from her you could be too. This girl sounds kind of fickle if you ask me.

jettison · 07-23-2007, 05:06 PM

Mophead,

I will be happy with this post if no one utters the dreaded words "f_____ z___". If we can just skip that, it will have been a successful thread.

As for your problems, you should be more concise, more straightforward, and more on point. Tell her that you want to date her, period. Tell her that you're not going to be around anymore, but if she should ever change her mind about you, then she has your number. Anything else is dishonest because you are just being her "friend" so you can get in her pants. She knows it. You are both just playing a game with each other, and this game isn't called friendship.

Ultimatums usually mean that you'll lose the girl. That's ok. Take the risk of rejection, and also take the risk that you'll lose her. You have nothing to lose, and there's an outside chance you'd have something to gain.

JeckyllNHyde · 07-23-2007, 05:39 PM

yea, she is probly just playing you. if she really liked you she wouldnt keep reminding you "this is not a relationship". i have a guy friend who keeps telling me "it feels like your my gf" because we go out to restaurants for fun and go out together but nothing physical happens. and i keep telling him "but this isnt a relationship" because well...im not attracted to him and i have no romantic intentions with him. like they say..: if she wanted to be with you, she would be.

and if you walk away, you will know where you both stand and quit beating yourself up over what her intentions are. when she sees you walk away she may realise she indeed wants to be with you. but that's no guarantee, but still, i would much rather be worry-free and not feel like im ready to explode.

Mophead · 07-23-2007, 06:14 PM

Thanks for the advice everyone. I suppose you could say she is fickle really... Jettison, your words may of just saved me from corruption. When I get to, I will speak to her about that. I don't want her playing with me, either we become official or I won't be there anymore as I am now. I'm never really much of a risk taker with relationships, but I really should start taking some risks. After all like you said, there is a chance to gain something.

Thanks people

jettison · 07-23-2007, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mophead

Thanks for the advice everyone. I suppose you could say she is fickle really... Jettison, your words may of just saved me from corruption. When I get to, I will speak to her about that. I don't want her playing with me, either we become official or I won't be there anymore as I am now. I'm never really much of a risk taker with relationships, but I really should start taking some risks. After all like you said, there is a chance to gain something.

Thanks people

Don't tell her that you won't be there when and if she says "no". Simply say, damn, I really dig you, but that's ok. I don't always get everything I want. Then, go about your business.

If she decides to contact you again, be very polite but short. Keep being that way. Don't ignore her messages. Don't bring it up again either unless she starts flirting excessively.

If she does flirt excessively then say something low key and less then serious. "I knew you couldn't resist me. I've already went ring shopping, and talked to most of your extended family about our engagement. Hope you don't mind." Not necessarily that, but just make fun of the situation. And then again, don't push. Back off. Let her contact you.

Is this a game? Yes. But you can't drop a bombshell, get rejected, and then hope it will ever have a chance otherwise. You may even be surprised about what being a standup, but drama free guy might get you.

Mophead · 07-23-2007, 07:10 PM

So, pretty much its like trying to appease her? She says no, and I back off and make a boarder line at just friends were I can go about my business, their is the rejection. If she contacts me I'll be polite and try to keep it short, like a child asking for a little bit of candy, she wants a little bit of contact with me. Like children they will want more candy if they want it, in this case its her wanting more contact with me because she regrets it and doesn't like the rejection. If she actually does like me ofcourse. Hopefully reconsidering "playing" with me.

jettison · 07-23-2007, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mophead

So, pretty much its like trying to appease her? She says no, and I back off and make a boarder line at just friends were I can go about my business, their is the rejection. If she contacts me I'll be polite and try to keep it short, like a child asking for a little bit of candy, she wants a little bit of contact with me. Like children they will want more candy if they want it, in this case its her wanting more contact with me because she regrets it and doesn't like the rejection. If she actually does like me ofcourse. Hopefully reconsidering "playing" with me.

No, you're not appeasing her at all. You're acting toward her like you should be acting toward any stranger who means you no harm. Polite. In truth, there is nothing that gets to a person more then "politeness". It can be maddening for people if used correctly.

And further, if you think that one of her friends is attractive then ask her about her friend. Think nothing of it, and don't make a big deal about it. You could just say "Your friend is really cute. Is she single?" Of course, this can't be a complete game. If you don't find any of her single friends cute then don't say it. But if you do, then take advantage of this. This will give her the message that you digg her, but that you realize it won't work so you won't be wrapped around her finger.

It will also show her that you're more then capable of moving on, and that you're not hung up. If you stay completely cool and friendly with her AND go this route then it's only a positive. Either she realizes that she likes you more then she at first thought and doesn't want to risk missing out on an opportunity, or you get to date her cute friend, or nothing happens.

The most likely result is "nothing happens", but since that's not any worse then status quo then you have zero to lose. Again, this "game" works because it won't really be a game. It will be sincere. The "game" is that there's no game.

zeino · 07-23-2007, 09:27 PM

Dear Mophead,

This person sounds very very insecure, but even worse, her insecurity sounds like the type that's channelled into (very possibly) hurting people through manipulation. At best, she sounds like a youngish, prospective man- teaser who has not become quite professional in the game (still emphasising the friendship aspect) and at worst, a future emotional vampire who could drain you. Of course, just like anybody else, this person could have many positive qualities but the behaviour she chooses to display are fostering the manipulative aspects of her personality. For instance, If you get another girlfriend and make the mistake of introducing your new girl to this "friend" of yours, you might even get to see the "catty" or other immature aspects of her personality -while she is being super nice to you or while asking for your emotional support; then she distances your new gf and you are all hers again

.

I think, like other types of manipulation, this type of manipulation is based on creating confusion. This is because she creates an interzone; not a friend, not a girlfriend but smt. in between. She sounds like hooking you up with some "potential" of a relationship, and to keep you there, she makes this "moment" more interesting by offering you something more than a normal friend does. Why should a friend care to flirt or tease?

And I think this is a power game because she puts herself in a position of "being wanted", deriving her self-esteem from this. She pumps her ego by taking, but apparently, not by giving. And of course, this leaves you confused because she is sending you "some messages" that mean a lot within the standards of a less manipulative world, but the outcome of these messages are not there. It's like being with a person who constantly talks about her thirst but says "thanks" when you give her a glass of water. That leaves us confused. Here, since it's not simply water but "potential" emotional satisfaction for you, you keep on offering her what you have. And of course, she could be very giving to you; as long as you are willing to stay in her game and power zone. Do you realize that this sort of thing erodes self-esteem and that starts with confusion? You are remaining in a place where your world-experience is not valid at all. The second-step is to start accepting her views despite your expectations. And without even realization, oops you have been "had" by an emotional vampire.

For instance, you say that she "DOES NOT" want a relationship. But do you realise how much more she wants when you compare her to your other friends? Do you see how she does this by giving you the hints -flirt, tease, "superficial" care? One day, she might even turn and say "I should stay away from you, I'm not being good to you." and you can willingly beg her to stay. However, an emotionally mature person would stay away without "mentioning" this. I think she wants "too much" rather than "she doesnn't want."

Kissing and having sex are among the reasonable consequences of this type of relationship and she maintains her "power" by "witholding" them.

If she cares about you, and if she is made aware of the effects of her behaviour on you -they create desire and she knows this-, why does she not change the way she behaves -if she is not into a relationship? And this, not simply for your sake, but because we often want to show appropriate behaviour in terms of what we want. If say, I am a natural flirt but if it makes a friend of mine "want" me, I modify my behaviour around him if he is more important than an ego boost.

I think the way she acts shows that she is not emotionally equipped to handle a give-and-take relationship even if she agrees to be in one with you. These people are often great partners if you are interested in giving up your expectations and start serving them. Once you try to assert yourself though, it may be a shock to realize that you may be very disposable -even if she tries to make up for that later

I would recommend that you get out of this situation as smoothly as possible without trying to make her understand. (Very likely, she will not, as you say this is a repetitive pattern). Do not fall for ultra emotional reactions fed by a possible fear of abandonment, either. Let her move to the next target.

All the best,
Zeino

sao2 · 07-24-2007, 10:02 AM

WOW!!!! You are describing my ex to a tee. I was in a situation like this. I did what I thought I had to do, I told her we were dating or nothing. She opted for nothing but a week later she changed her mind and we started dating.

That is when the real HELL really started. Such a great woman, really I still think that, but she was a terrible girlfriend. For starters 2 years, no sex. She had never had sex before and always claimed she wasn't ready. This isn't a big deal when you are 20, or maybe it is, but she is turning 26 this week(we broke up recently) and I am 30.

About a year ago we shifted to a long distance relationship, I don't enter ldr's lightly. Well, it seems she did. I am not one to usually be needy but I got thrown off balance by her. No matter what I hoped for in terms of communication she delivered less. I was supposed to fel connected to her when she sent a text or 2 a day and an email every 3 weeks.

On the other hand she once got mad at me for sending a good night text at 9:30 because she doesn't go to bed that early. True, but perhaps if I had heard from her at some point in the day before that . . .

Before I get too involved in answering this, yes, you may get her in the end. You may even enjoy the time you get her, but you never fully "get" someone like this. The dynamic will always be in her favor until you basically demonstrate that you can walk away from her. The problem with that is, she can't handle being in a relationship where you can walk away, at that point she realizes she has lost what she craves which is her power over you.

07-23-2007, 04:47 PM	#1
Mophead Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 6	Acts like she does, but she doesnt? Alright, my head is a little bit confused and I could really do with some advice on what to do with my situation. Me and this girl, are really close, people instantly think we are boyfriend and girlfriend the way we are around each other. We touch, tease, comment, flirt, care, everything basically that you do in a relationship basically, but kissing and having sex. She says she doesn't want a relationship, but the way we are around each other feels like we are in a relationship but we're not as she says. I haven't been the first thats ended up in this situation, my friend was pretty much the same with her for 4 months, but he gave up because it was driving him mad and he is know with someone else. Now for the past 2 months this has been going on between me and this girl but I do not know where I stand and what to do. Do I keep on trying and trying to get with her? Do I talk to her about it? Do I walk away? I am absolutely confused inside! Why act as i your wanting a relationship, but say that you don't! Even with my friend she was the same and now shes just jumped to me! I do not know where I stand between me and this girl and if its even worth bothering! My head feels like a nuclear bomb exploded inside...

07-23-2007, 05:04 PM	#2
stranded247 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: in my head. Gender: Female Age: 18 Posts: 789	hey, She sounds like one of those girls who just likes to tease guys but doesn't really want anything more serious than a bit of fun. Learn from your friend's mistake and move on, he's now with someone, maybe if you moved on from her you could be too. This girl sounds kind of fickle if you ask me. __________________ " The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." "Damn right I'm good in bed! I can sleep for days!" "I dont think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains"

07-23-2007, 05:06 PM	#3
jettison Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Bay Posts: 4,964	Mophead, I will be happy with this post if no one utters the dreaded words "f_____ z___". If we can just skip that, it will have been a successful thread. As for your problems, you should be more concise, more straightforward, and more on point. Tell her that you want to date her, period. Tell her that you're not going to be around anymore, but if she should ever change her mind about you, then she has your number. Anything else is dishonest because you are just being her "friend" so you can get in her pants. She knows it. You are both just playing a game with each other, and this game isn't called friendship. Ultimatums usually mean that you'll lose the girl. That's ok. Take the risk of rejection, and also take the risk that you'll lose her. You have nothing to lose, and there's an outside chance you'd have something to gain. __________________ A unique opportunity... If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face." "I wish someone knew me. I’d pick them apart and find out who I am." - Equestrian Dynamo

07-23-2007, 09:27 PM	#9
zeino Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Istanbul Gender: Female Posts: 37	might she be a predator? Dear Mophead, This person sounds very very insecure, but even worse, her insecurity sounds like the type that's channelled into (very possibly) hurting people through manipulation. At best, she sounds like a youngish, prospective man- teaser who has not become quite professional in the game (still emphasising the friendship aspect) and at worst, a future emotional vampire who could drain you. Of course, just like anybody else, this person could have many positive qualities but the behaviour she chooses to display are fostering the manipulative aspects of her personality. For instance, If you get another girlfriend and make the mistake of introducing your new girl to this "friend" of yours, you might even get to see the "catty" or other immature aspects of her personality -while she is being super nice to you or while asking for your emotional support; then she distances your new gf and you are all hers again . I think, like other types of manipulation, this type of manipulation is based on creating confusion. This is because she creates an interzone; not a friend, not a girlfriend but smt. in between. She sounds like hooking you up with some "potential" of a relationship, and to keep you there, she makes this "moment" more interesting by offering you something more than a normal friend does. Why should a friend care to flirt or tease? And I think this is a power game because she puts herself in a position of "being wanted", deriving her self-esteem from this. She pumps her ego by taking, but apparently, not by giving. And of course, this leaves you confused because she is sending you "some messages" that mean a lot within the standards of a less manipulative world, but the outcome of these messages are not there. It's like being with a person who constantly talks about her thirst but says "thanks" when you give her a glass of water. That leaves us confused. Here, since it's not simply water but "potential" emotional satisfaction for you, you keep on offering her what you have. And of course, she could be very giving to you; as long as you are willing to stay in her game and power zone. Do you realize that this sort of thing erodes self-esteem and that starts with confusion? You are remaining in a place where your world-experience is not valid at all. The second-step is to start accepting her views despite your expectations. And without even realization, oops you have been "had" by an emotional vampire. For instance, you say that she "DOES NOT" want a relationship. But do you realise how much more she wants when you compare her to your other friends? Do you see how she does this by giving you the hints -flirt, tease, "superficial" care? One day, she might even turn and say "I should stay away from you, I'm not being good to you." and you can willingly beg her to stay. However, an emotionally mature person would stay away without "mentioning" this. I think she wants "too much" rather than "she doesnn't want." Kissing and having sex are among the reasonable consequences of this type of relationship and she maintains her "power" by "witholding" them. If she cares about you, and if she is made aware of the effects of her behaviour on you -they create desire and she knows this-, why does she not change the way she behaves -if she is not into a relationship? And this, not simply for your sake, but because we often want to show appropriate behaviour in terms of what we want. If say, I am a natural flirt but if it makes a friend of mine "want" me, I modify my behaviour around him if he is more important than an ego boost. I think the way she acts shows that she is not emotionally equipped to handle a give-and-take relationship even if she agrees to be in one with you. These people are often great partners if you are interested in giving up your expectations and start serving them. Once you try to assert yourself though, it may be a shock to realize that you may be very disposable -even if she tries to make up for that later I would recommend that you get out of this situation as smoothly as possible without trying to make her understand. (Very likely, she will not, as you say this is a repetitive pattern). Do not fall for ultra emotional reactions fed by a possible fear of abandonment, either. Let her move to the next target. All the best, Zeino

07-24-2007, 10:02 AM	#10
sao2 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 109	WOW!!!! You are describing my ex to a tee. I was in a situation like this. I did what I thought I had to do, I told her we were dating or nothing. She opted for nothing but a week later she changed her mind and we started dating. That is when the real HELL really started. Such a great woman, really I still think that, but she was a terrible girlfriend. For starters 2 years, no sex. She had never had sex before and always claimed she wasn't ready. This isn't a big deal when you are 20, or maybe it is, but she is turning 26 this week(we broke up recently) and I am 30. About a year ago we shifted to a long distance relationship, I don't enter ldr's lightly. Well, it seems she did. I am not one to usually be needy but I got thrown off balance by her. No matter what I hoped for in terms of communication she delivered less. I was supposed to fel connected to her when she sent a text or 2 a day and an email every 3 weeks. On the other hand she once got mad at me for sending a good night text at 9:30 because she doesn't go to bed that early. True, but perhaps if I had heard from her at some point in the day before that . . . Before I get too involved in answering this, yes, you may get her in the end. You may even enjoy the time you get her, but you never fully "get" someone like this. The dynamic will always be in her favor until you basically demonstrate that you can walk away from her. The problem with that is, she can't handle being in a relationship where you can walk away, at that point she realizes she has lost what she craves which is her power over you. Last edited by sao2; 07-24-2007 at 10:05 AM.

07-23-2007, 05:39 PM	#4
JeckyllNHyde Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 5,194	yea, she is probly just playing you. if she really liked you she wouldnt keep reminding you "this is not a relationship". i have a guy friend who keeps telling me "it feels like your my gf" because we go out to restaurants for fun and go out together but nothing physical happens. and i keep telling him "but this isnt a relationship" because well...im not attracted to him and i have no romantic intentions with him. like they say..: if she wanted to be with you, she would be. and if you walk away, you will know where you both stand and quit beating yourself up over what her intentions are. when she sees you walk away she may realise she indeed wants to be with you. but that's no guarantee, but still, i would much rather be worry-free and not feel like im ready to explode.

07-23-2007, 06:14 PM	#5
Mophead Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 6	Thanks for the advice everyone. I suppose you could say she is fickle really... Jettison, your words may of just saved me from corruption. When I get to, I will speak to her about that. I don't want her playing with me, either we become official or I won't be there anymore as I am now. I'm never really much of a risk taker with relationships, but I really should start taking some risks. After all like you said, there is a chance to gain something. Thanks people

07-23-2007, 07:10 PM	#7
Mophead Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 6	So, pretty much its like trying to appease her? She says no, and I back off and make a boarder line at just friends were I can go about my business, their is the rejection. If she contacts me I'll be polite and try to keep it short, like a child asking for a little bit of candy, she wants a little bit of contact with me. Like children they will want more candy if they want it, in this case its her wanting more contact with me because she regrets it and doesn't like the rejection. If she actually does like me ofcourse. Hopefully reconsidering "playing" with me.