The fear of starting over

EricAK · 07-16-2007, 01:37 AM

I made the decision to move back to the place I have felt the most comfortable in my life. It seems like my tail is tucked firmly between my legs because of the last ten month experiment which went very very awful.

I am now renting a room in a friends house, where ten months ago I had a great wonderful comfortable nest and home here. When I drive by it I feel like I should be turning into the driveway, parking, going inside and just pciking up where I left off, with the bliss of never having known her or the bad experiemnt that was Juneau.

But, it doesn't work that way. My town is very small and while I was in the video store I saw at least three people I know and they all asked what I was doing back, one commented on how tired and hallow I looked and all the other such questions. But, two of them were so welcoming and filled me with the words I needed to hear which was I cant look at the last ten months as a failed experiment, it was that I took a chance and it didn't work the way I wanted. But at least I took the chance.

But the next week or so is going to be brutal because I go between feeling good about being back here, with no residue or memories of her everywhere, and then thinking of her in Juneau, with her new boyfriend and her set life going. And I have to rebuild a life. I don't have my house anymore, I don't have the nest I need and desire and I don't have anyone to be with.

And tomorrow I go back to my old job/career. I basically just step back in to where I was last year and that is a bit humiliating. But I will be out on the trail and river I know and made mine. But she is not here to share it.

I am trying guys, I really am. My last posts have all been whining and sorrow, but I am doing what I am told. I am trying to move forward. But it hurts. And I don't kknow if I will ever be happy or trust someone again.

Yesterday on the drive back here, I stopped off in Whitehorse to see an old friend. I got a hotel and tried to mellow in front of the tv in a hotel room bed but was haunted by the thoughts of the ex. And when I saw my friend for breakfast and a matineee, she did all the talking and I felt like a zombie.

I just want my old life back if I am going to be here. I want to be happy again. I want to pretned the last ten monthst never happened.

But I am trying guys, I really am.

Eric

renaissancewoman101 · 07-16-2007, 01:52 AM

I fear rejection and starting over so much that I cling to relationships that have long been past expiration, just so I don't have to deal with future rejection. You're lucky since you have the ability to move on.

There are days when I am hard pressed about moving on, and then there are days that I dont mind moving on.

EricAK · 07-16-2007, 01:56 AM

I am a backcountry guide. I have been guiding rivers and hikies and kayaking, skiing etc...(even some dog sledding) for almost fifteen years.

I go back to a company I worked for in the past tomorrow, doing hike and river trips. It sounds a lot more glamorous than it is, and I have been trying to get out of the business for a couple years. That was why I moved to Juneau, along with trying to meet someone. Meeting someone in my town is really not a huge possibility.

And I just can't stay here forever, as comfortable and magic a place it is, I have to try and grow and move on, but it failed.

But I feel I can try to regroup and heal here.

Eric

renaissancewoman101 · 07-16-2007, 01:58 AM

Sometimes it is best to go back to a place that is familiar and feels like home, in order to heal up and get back one's self-esteem and sense of self. After healing in familiar territory, then you can pick up and move on to bigger and better things.

browneyedgirl36 · 07-16-2007, 02:01 AM

Eric -- I know you're having a hard time, but it sounds as if you've taken a BIG, HUGE step in the right direction toward getting your life back.

I've been in a similar situation (moved back to my hometown after a series of huge disappointments), and at first it was very difficult; like you, I kept running into people and feeling as if I had to *explain* what I was doing back. And, people from my previous city were still contacting me, and I had to explain to them why I left, which was hard. Unlike you, though, I had to take a job I really didn't care for (in retail sales) to tide me over while I saved money for grad school. It sounds like you have a great job, a comfy place to live, and people who care about you. You WILL make new memories (as well as remember some of the old, good ones from when you lived there before), and you will definitely get your life back. It just takes time.

Congratulations on taking the first step toward moving on. You're definitely on the right track. You'll be OK. Just be kind to yourself as you go through your process of grieving your relationship.

Scout · 07-16-2007, 02:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EricAK

And I just can't stay here forever, as comfortable and magic a place it is, I have to try and grow and move on, but it failed.

Well, "wherever you go, there you are."

So surely you can grow and move on in the town you seem to really love, can't you?

Heck, if it's that comfortable and magical, why not stay?

Cassie · 07-16-2007, 02:09 AM

Hi Eric -

The unknown can be really scary, especially when so many of your ghosts are still lingering so closely nearby. Continue focusing on the baby steps - on taking those tiny yet crucial actions which will allow you to heal and rebuild your life again.

You'll merely be going through the motions for awhile (namely, the wooden 'zombie' state you've mentioned). With time, you'll transcend this phase and actually feel in the moment again. Allow your life to quietly ebb into its own flow as the healing process continues.

You may feel as if you've just timewarped back to where you once stood. But your true direction will reveal itself with greater clarity as your emotional state continues to evolve and grow stronger.

I admire you deeply for finding the courage to start over.

Reilly2856 · 07-16-2007, 02:27 AM

I totally know what you're talking about. Sometimes, it is very difficult to go back to a place we're well-known because all those people in our lives often have so many questions. In your case, you are in your old town, bumping into old friends, which all reminds you of your "previous" life before you met your ex and how happy you were. You feel humiliated because these people knew about your ex and not being with her any longer feels like a failure to you.

Just remember, you can't run from your past. She is your past, the last year before you met her is your past. You have to simply accept her as THE past, and continue with your life. Don't pretend that it never happened, nor be ashamed of it. Why should you feel humiliated? Your not the first, nor the last person to start over with their life. Though its okay to feel sad, don't feel humiliated. Believe me when I say, many people in this world have fallen yet have had the courage or perhaps no other choice, but to get up and start fresh. What better place to begin but in a town where you are surrounded with friends.
Join life again, man. Forget about the past, and embrace the future. Since you are going back to your old job, don't see it as another sign of failure. But rather, another opportunity to continue the success you had at doing that job. Another chance to show your employer that you are a good addition to his/her company. Also, don't dwell on your old house, rather be open to making a home for youself in a new place...where you can once again create memories...new memories. Dream and embrace new experiences, by choosing to let go of things you cannot change.

EricAK · 07-16-2007, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reilly2856

I totally know what you're talking about. Sometimes, it is very difficult to go back to a place we're well-known because all those people in our lives often have so many questions. In your case, you are in your old town, bumping into old friends, which all reminds you of your "previous" life before you met your ex and how happy you were. You feel humiliated because these people knew about your ex and not being with her any longer feels like a failure to you.

Just remember, you can't run from your past. She is your past, the last year before you met her is your past. You have to simply accept her as THE past, and continue with your life. Don't pretend that it never happened, nor be ashamed of it. Why should you feel humiliated? Your not the first, nor the last person to start over with their life. Though its okay to feel sad, don't feel humiliated. Believe me when I say, many people in this world have fallen yet have had the courage or perhaps no other choice, but to get up and start fresh. What better place to begin but in a town where you are surrounded with friends.
Join life again, man. Forget about the past, and embrace the future. Since you are going back to your old job, don't see it as another sign of failure. But rather, another opportunity to continue the success you had at doing that job. Another chance to show your employer that you are a good addition to his/her company. Also, don't dwell on your old house, rather be open to making a home for youself in a new place...where you can once again create memories...new memories. Dream and embrace new experiences, by choosing to let go of things you cannot change.

I iwhs I oculd take all your advice, but it is so hard. My town is very small and everyone has a history here. I have had one other bad relationship and that was here and it took EVERY ounce of courage and strength to stay here and face it (it is a town of 850 people) and she (the former reltationship) was here during that time so I was confronted not just with seeing her, but with everyone talking about it. Now it is like there is new fodder for talk...he lost another one...he is back where he started...we knew it...I feel so freaking ashamed.

BUT I didn't do wrong in this relationship. I did what I wa supposed to, but the small town eyes and gossip doesn't always hear things that way.

I was in the field today working and it was like I had regressed. I couldn't get my mind off of what has happened, felt like I was in a fog, and have been making those dammmm bargains of "If I could just have done this different, if she would have only done...if there was someone there to help with through this I could do it."

But Here I am and I feel pathetic, and worse, incredibly betrayed and lonely.

And I fear I am running out of gas and motivation to move forward.

Eric

andy5128 · 07-16-2007, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EricAK

I iwhs I oculd take all your advice, but it is so hard. My town is very small and everyone has a history here. I have had one other bad relationship and that was here and it took EVERY ounce of courage and strength to stay here and face it (it is a town of 850 people) and she (the former reltationship) was here during that time so I was confronted not just with seeing her, but with everyone talking about it. Now it is like there is new fodder for talk...he lost another one...he is back where he started...we knew it...I feel so freaking ashamed.

BUT I didn't do wrong in this relationship. I did what I wa supposed to, but the small town eyes and gossip doesn't always hear things that way.

I was in the field today working and it was like I had regressed. I couldn't get my mind off of what has happened, felt like I was in a fog, and have been making those dammmm bargains of "If I could just have done this different, if she would have only done...if there was someone there to help with through this I could do it."

But Here I am and I feel pathetic, and worse, incredibly betrayed and lonely.

And I fear I am running out of gas and motivation to move forward.

Eric

Stay with it mate, it will improve. I know it's tough but you can do it. Come on here and vent or put down yout thoughts use it to escape from your worries and concerns. It really helped me some months back and I feel so much better..

Take Care
Andy

07-16-2007, 01:37 AM	#1
EricAK Offline Join Date: May 2007 Location: southeast Alaska Posts: 520	The fear of starting over I made the decision to move back to the place I have felt the most comfortable in my life. It seems like my tail is tucked firmly between my legs because of the last ten month experiment which went very very awful. I am now renting a room in a friends house, where ten months ago I had a great wonderful comfortable nest and home here. When I drive by it I feel like I should be turning into the driveway, parking, going inside and just pciking up where I left off, with the bliss of never having known her or the bad experiemnt that was Juneau. But, it doesn't work that way. My town is very small and while I was in the video store I saw at least three people I know and they all asked what I was doing back, one commented on how tired and hallow I looked and all the other such questions. But, two of them were so welcoming and filled me with the words I needed to hear which was I cant look at the last ten months as a failed experiment, it was that I took a chance and it didn't work the way I wanted. But at least I took the chance. But the next week or so is going to be brutal because I go between feeling good about being back here, with no residue or memories of her everywhere, and then thinking of her in Juneau, with her new boyfriend and her set life going. And I have to rebuild a life. I don't have my house anymore, I don't have the nest I need and desire and I don't have anyone to be with. And tomorrow I go back to my old job/career. I basically just step back in to where I was last year and that is a bit humiliating. But I will be out on the trail and river I know and made mine. But she is not here to share it. I am trying guys, I really am. My last posts have all been whining and sorrow, but I am doing what I am told. I am trying to move forward. But it hurts. And I don't kknow if I will ever be happy or trust someone again. Yesterday on the drive back here, I stopped off in Whitehorse to see an old friend. I got a hotel and tried to mellow in front of the tv in a hotel room bed but was haunted by the thoughts of the ex. And when I saw my friend for breakfast and a matineee, she did all the talking and I felt like a zombie. I just want my old life back if I am going to be here. I want to be happy again. I want to pretned the last ten monthst never happened. But I am trying guys, I really am. Eric

07-16-2007, 02:01 AM	#5
browneyedgirl36 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Someplace Sunny! Gender: Female Posts: 1,771	Eric -- I know you're having a hard time, but it sounds as if you've taken a BIG, HUGE step in the right direction toward getting your life back. I've been in a similar situation (moved back to my hometown after a series of huge disappointments), and at first it was very difficult; like you, I kept running into people and feeling as if I had to explain what I was doing back. And, people from my previous city were still contacting me, and I had to explain to them why I left, which was hard. Unlike you, though, I had to take a job I really didn't care for (in retail sales) to tide me over while I saved money for grad school. It sounds like you have a great job, a comfy place to live, and people who care about you. You WILL make new memories (as well as remember some of the old, good ones from when you lived there before), and you will definitely get your life back. It just takes time. Congratulations on taking the first step toward moving on. You're definitely on the right track. You'll be OK. Just be kind to yourself as you go through your process of grieving your relationship. __________________ "You cannot be directed to decide against yourself without first being deceived into thinking that what hurts you can also help you." Guy Finley

07-16-2007, 02:09 AM	#7
Cassie Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 610	Hi Eric - The unknown can be really scary, especially when so many of your ghosts are still lingering so closely nearby. Continue focusing on the baby steps - on taking those tiny yet crucial actions which will allow you to heal and rebuild your life again. You'll merely be going through the motions for awhile (namely, the wooden 'zombie' state you've mentioned). With time, you'll transcend this phase and actually feel in the moment again. Allow your life to quietly ebb into its own flow as the healing process continues. You may feel as if you've just timewarped back to where you once stood. But your true direction will reveal itself with greater clarity as your emotional state continues to evolve and grow stronger. I admire you deeply for finding the courage to start over. __________________ If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have gotten anywhere.

07-16-2007, 01:52 AM	#2
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,563	I fear rejection and starting over so much that I cling to relationships that have long been past expiration, just so I don't have to deal with future rejection. You're lucky since you have the ability to move on. There are days when I am hard pressed about moving on, and then there are days that I dont mind moving on.

07-16-2007, 01:56 AM	#3
EricAK Offline Join Date: May 2007 Location: southeast Alaska Posts: 520	I am a backcountry guide. I have been guiding rivers and hikies and kayaking, skiing etc...(even some dog sledding) for almost fifteen years. I go back to a company I worked for in the past tomorrow, doing hike and river trips. It sounds a lot more glamorous than it is, and I have been trying to get out of the business for a couple years. That was why I moved to Juneau, along with trying to meet someone. Meeting someone in my town is really not a huge possibility. And I just can't stay here forever, as comfortable and magic a place it is, I have to try and grow and move on, but it failed. But I feel I can try to regroup and heal here. Eric

07-16-2007, 01:58 AM	#4
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,563	Sometimes it is best to go back to a place that is familiar and feels like home, in order to heal up and get back one's self-esteem and sense of self. After healing in familiar territory, then you can pick up and move on to bigger and better things.

07-16-2007, 02:27 AM	#8
Reilly2856 Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 339	I totally know what you're talking about. Sometimes, it is very difficult to go back to a place we're well-known because all those people in our lives often have so many questions. In your case, you are in your old town, bumping into old friends, which all reminds you of your "previous" life before you met your ex and how happy you were. You feel humiliated because these people knew about your ex and not being with her any longer feels like a failure to you. Just remember, you can't run from your past. She is your past, the last year before you met her is your past. You have to simply accept her as THE past, and continue with your life. Don't pretend that it never happened, nor be ashamed of it. Why should you feel humiliated? Your not the first, nor the last person to start over with their life. Though its okay to feel sad, don't feel humiliated. Believe me when I say, many people in this world have fallen yet have had the courage or perhaps no other choice, but to get up and start fresh. What better place to begin but in a town where you are surrounded with friends. Join life again, man. Forget about the past, and embrace the future. Since you are going back to your old job, don't see it as another sign of failure. But rather, another opportunity to continue the success you had at doing that job. Another chance to show your employer that you are a good addition to his/her company. Also, don't dwell on your old house, rather be open to making a home for youself in a new place...where you can once again create memories...new memories. Dream and embrace new experiences, by choosing to let go of things you cannot change.