Teenage stepdaughter pregnant - advice sorely needed

gj11235 · 07-11-2007, 12:47 PM

My significant other's 18 year old daughter has just announced that she is delightedly pregnant. She is a healthy enough girl, and so there aren't any major concerns on that front, but there are a number of other things preventing this from being a joyous occasion.

The mommy-to-be did graduate from high school, and has a part time job at a local gas station. She has no other income, and wishes to quit this job as soon as possible to be a full time mother.

She currently lives with her father and I, and her younger sister.

Her plan seems to be that she will live at home, and that we will provide for her and the baby financially.

(Tragically, this is the sort of attitude that carries her mother through life... but that's another story for another day. It goes without saying that her mother will be providing no help whatsoever.)

While the prospective father is around, they don't intend to marry. He does work, but his income is not enough to support the both of them. His family wants nothing at all to do with the mommy-to-be, or the situation as a whole.

Her father and I are in a complete jam. He is furious with her for this lack of responsibility, but of course is not going to toss her out on the street. He wants to support her, but not be taken complete advantage of.

Is there anything - anything at all - that anyone out there can recommend to help get this girl into a responsible mindset? For the years leading up to her graduation, we tried to interest her in schooling or career education, but she would have none of it. She has made it plain that she does not want to support herself.

Personally, I can't fathom her way of thinking, and I have no idea how to guide her now.

Has anyone out there dealt with a child or stepchild like this?

RayKay · 07-11-2007, 12:53 PM

Oh boy.

That is a VERY difficult situation.

Honestly, it may be tough for both you and her father, but I think that you are going to have to practice some tough love here. It will be hard as she is your daughter...and it is going to be your grandchild, but she cannot expect to be able to just decide to stay home full time and count on you and your husband to support her and the baby.

I think you are going to have to tell her right now, that that is just not going to happen. I am sorry, but she is an adult, and she is also soon to be a mother, and as such it is her responsibility to take care of her child. It is one thing to ask for help when needed (like some babysitting while she is at work) but it is completely out of line for her to expect you to support her and the baby without her contributing.

Now, she may be able to remain at home living there if that is agreeable to you both, but she absolutely must find ways to provide for her child and herself in some way.

I am not sure why she is this way, or what boundaries have been set up for her in life that have caused her to feel this entitlement, but obviously it is something that cannot continue forever and she needs to take responsibility for HER choices. I suspect she may have been coddled a bit too much already by this point.

I also hate to approach this, but honestly if she has no plan to support herself and the child, and no desire to, this may be something you may need to get Child & Family Services involved (and apply for guardianship with yourselves or other family) in at some point if she continues that mindset at risk of the child. You do not bring a baby into the world expecting others to take care of it.

I am sorry, but I really think this has to be a tough love situation. I have no idea why she thinks she can expect you two to provide for her and HER child, but I think that is an expectation you need to put an end too.

gj11235 · 07-11-2007, 01:14 PM

Thanks, RayKay.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid it will be easier to say than to do!

She isn't a meanspirited girl, but is very selfish and selfcentered. Adding a layer of complication to the surface is this: a friend of hers, who is two years older, had a baby boy last fall. This friend's parents tried to straighten the girl out before the baby was born, but with no success.

In the drama that ensued, they found it was easier to give in than keep working, and set the girl and the baby up in an apartment of her own, bought a car for her, and have consigned themselves to handing out more whenever the baby requires.

I am sure that our mommy-to-be believes that if she sticks to her principles, she will see the same result. [Her mother's influence figures heavily here, unfortunately.] We are determined not to take that end, but I don't think we could actually put her out of the house, and that may be what's required.

RayKay · 07-11-2007, 01:23 PM

The worst part in that is that it is really the kids whom suffer, because it starts a cycle. What would happen if her parents lost their financial stability and she could not provide for herself and child? She would end up on welfare and with CFS involved.

What kind of principles is the CHILD going to learn?

This is why it is important you set those boundaries clear and strong and stick to them. I know tough love is tough on everyone...not just the one it is "enacted" on! We had to enact that tough love on my younger brother many years ago and don't get me wrong, there was a rock bottom before a high, and it was difficult on everyone not to jump in and "rescue him". He is today however a wonderful, self supporting, independent young man - he recently bought a condo with his partner, works full time and is back in college part time.

RayKay · 07-11-2007, 01:29 PM

I wanted to add, you can see she is being selfish in she is clearly not thinking of the childs best interests here either, and what that child deserves from her as a parent. I grew up in household where money was very tight...my mother was a single parent with three kids for quite a while and she worked hard to make ends meet and made many sacrifices....but I am forever fiercely proud and appreciative of her and it is clear she did the very best she could, and even if we did not have much, I am so thankful for what we did, and how hard she worked. I learned many of my values and principles from seeing her do what she had to do.

I will say, I would of felt far differently if she expected her parents to just take care of us all for her!

My best friend got pregnant when she was 16, she really wanted to keep the baby, but also lived at home, was still in school and could not afford to give the child what they needed. Nor could the boyfriend. It was hard for her to do, but she gave the baby up for adoption, to a family she was able to choose via open adoption.

I always have been proud of her for that choice, knowing how "selfless" it really was because I definitely know she loved that baby dearly.

**avman** · 07-11-2007, 01:45 PM

I really, really would not automatically become a bank of withdrawal for this girl. Otherwise she's simply going to sponge off of you for life and you'll end up forking out everything because "I need it for the baby".

If she refuses to support herself, yet she knows she can live with you and you'll provide for her - well then what incentive does she have to change her mind? None! You can threaten all you want but if there is no teeth to the threat she'll just laugh it off.

As her parents/stepparents you are enabling her behavior by your own actions. Thus you are also a cause of this problem (I think you already realize this).

As much as this is going to hurt, you will have to administer some tough love in this case. Though you say you aren't going to throw her in the street, that is exactly what you are going to have to be prepared to do. She needs to know this is a real consequence, otherwise you may as well get ready to keep forking out the money and supporting her.

Sit her down and lay out a timetable for what you expect her to do. After the baby is born, she must get a job by x date (allowing time for her recovery of course). She must pay you rent and board in the amount of $x per month and make this a realistic number. She is to pursue a child support order from the father and you will assist her in that process.

If she does not do these things, you will evict her after a period of x months and pursue legal custody of your grandchild.

I'm not kidding here, you'll need to be ready to actually go through with it or this will never work. She needs to learn some responsibility and the only way to do that is to have very serious consequences if she blows it off. She's not going to be happy about this so be ready for harsh words, tears, threats, and her generally being extremely unpleasant throughout. But this is the short term pain you are going to have to put up with for the long term payoff of teaching her how to be a responsible adult.

HealingHandsWarmHeart · 07-11-2007, 01:52 PM

i agree with everything Raykay is saying... and i agree with tough love.

We had to do tough love with my sister..and it was hard ... but in the end everything worked out and she is doing really well.

With regards to your step daughter... if she never learns that her way of thinking is wrong ..then she will always rely on others to take care of her... but if you force her to take care of herself... then she learns an entirely new set of values and view points.

At this point ..she has some time to make changes.. let her know that it is unacceptable for her to not work ...that she chose to have a child she needs to find the means to buy it diapers, food, clothes... etc.

You didn't choose to get pregnant ..she did ... so why should take all of the responsibility?

At this point ..if you and your husband don't put your foot down...you'll both probably end up caring for this child while your step daughter meanders through life with her head in the clouds.

russ978 · 07-11-2007, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gj11235

My significant other's 18 year old daughter has just announced that she is delightedly pregnant.

The mommy-to-be did graduate from high school, and has a part time job at a local gas station. She has no other income, and wishes to quit this job as soon as possible to be a full time mother.

She currently lives with her father and I, and her younger sister.

Her plan seems to be that she will live at home, and that we will provide for her and the baby financially.

While the prospective father is around, they don't intend to marry. He does work, but his income is not enough to support the both of them. His family wants nothing at all to do with the mommy-to-be, or the situation as a whole.

Her father and I are in a complete jam. He is furious with her for this lack of responsibility, but of course is not going to toss her out on the street. He wants to support her, but not be taken complete advantage of.

She has made it plain that she does not want to support herself.

First of all, I can certainly see the worst case scenerio of this leading to you leaving your boyfriend.

If she's only 18 and plans to be living at home with you guys, I wouldn't expect her to grow up much. You and your boyfriend will end up babysitting the baby while she's out 'living it up' at the bars and clubs with either her current beau or the eventual new man either of who may more may not end up giving her another child.

If she has made it plan that she doesn't want to support herself and has a baby on the way I would never tolerate it and it sounds like you don't want to. She wants to quit her job at the gas station and be a stay at home mother? Most likely she is thinking that being a stay at home mother is easy street. I know that it isn't and her job as a full time mother will be 10 times as difficult as the gas station. More than likely, you would get a fair amount of the new chores that she just wouldn't 'feel' like doing. You might want to tell her to get in contact with the Section 8 Housing People over at HUD who might be able to help her out with some assistance finding government housing.

This is a horrible situation and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. How long have you been with your boyfriend? If its less than two years and the daughter ends up sticking around to have the kid and live in your house, not many people out there would fault you for leaving him which while I'm sure isn't what you want, you shouldn't have to deal with this. You should be living a live with him, perhaps raising your own children, not playing full time nanny to the future child. Hopefully, he is man enough to tell his daughter what he will accept in his household. It sucks, but tough love is the way to go on this one. This is all about the kid who will need a mother who is a responsible adult that can properly raise a child. This is really headed in a bad direction from what I've read. Hopefully, she won't end up being a leech of society but it sounds like that is where this is headed.

That poor child.

PS: I just re-read what you wrote, you said signficant other so I assumed not husband but but boyfriend. If you are married to the guy, this is as much your decision as it is his. Is he your boyfriend or your husband?

Kalika · 07-11-2007, 02:49 PM

I agree with RayKay. You need to assert some major tough love right away, otherwise this girl will ruin you and your SO's life. If you don't get really hard on her really quick, and make her come up with a plan, this situation is just going to get worse. The fact that she's thrilled about the pregnancy and already making plans to do absolutely nothing to care for the child doesn't bode well for you.

She needs to work. She doesn't have the luxury of sitting on her A every day while everyone else supports her financially. She has done absolutely nothing to earn your help with raising her child. I think you need to tell her that you're willing to provide support if she goes to school. Otherwise, she needs to be on her own. That means finding a decent job and working full time like everyone else on the planet has to do, and raising the baby herself.

I must add that it seems as though you and your SO have, at some point, done something to give her the idea that this would be acceptable for her to do. Have you caved into her demands in the past? Has she done major things like this in the past that you've had to clean up? It seems like there's a precedent that's been set already that allowed this to happen.

Again, if something isn't done about this soon, you and your SO will end up raising her child alone. Your stepdaughter seems to have some serious issues and needs to get her attitude checked.

gj11235 · 07-11-2007, 03:24 PM

Thank you all for your advice.

Russ978, we are committed, but both of us are divorced, and our previous marriages soured the name of matrimony for us. (Something of a long story... we are legally entwined enough to be married, but we don't like to use 'husband' or 'wife').

And, while I appreciate your points, I'm not looking for a way out. I'm just over my head on this one!

Kalika, her primary example in this has been her mother - who still believes that this is a good approach to life. Her mother is an unbalanced woman who has no sense of responsibility, and still has not learned to take care of herself. No matter how low her mother falls, someone always steps in to help her and bail her out. Not 4 months ago, this woman bounced a bunch of checks (again), had her car reposessed (again), and rather than straighten her bills and life out, she begged her own mother to buy a car for her.... which she (my stepdaughter's grandmother) ultimately did.

The example that her mother (and her mother's family) sets has been our largest challenge in raising these girls.

07-11-2007, 12:47 PM	#1
gj11235 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 7	Teenage stepdaughter pregnant - advice sorely needed My significant other's 18 year old daughter has just announced that she is delightedly pregnant. She is a healthy enough girl, and so there aren't any major concerns on that front, but there are a number of other things preventing this from being a joyous occasion. The mommy-to-be did graduate from high school, and has a part time job at a local gas station. She has no other income, and wishes to quit this job as soon as possible to be a full time mother. She currently lives with her father and I, and her younger sister. Her plan seems to be that she will live at home, and that we will provide for her and the baby financially. (Tragically, this is the sort of attitude that carries her mother through life... but that's another story for another day. It goes without saying that her mother will be providing no help whatsoever.) While the prospective father is around, they don't intend to marry. He does work, but his income is not enough to support the both of them. His family wants nothing at all to do with the mommy-to-be, or the situation as a whole. Her father and I are in a complete jam. He is furious with her for this lack of responsibility, but of course is not going to toss her out on the street. He wants to support her, but not be taken complete advantage of. Is there anything - anything at all - that anyone out there can recommend to help get this girl into a responsible mindset? For the years leading up to her graduation, we tried to interest her in schooling or career education, but she would have none of it. She has made it plain that she does not want to support herself. Personally, I can't fathom her way of thinking, and I have no idea how to guide her now. Has anyone out there dealt with a child or stepchild like this?

07-11-2007, 12:53 PM	#2
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	Oh boy. That is a VERY difficult situation. Honestly, it may be tough for both you and her father, but I think that you are going to have to practice some tough love here. It will be hard as she is your daughter...and it is going to be your grandchild, but she cannot expect to be able to just decide to stay home full time and count on you and your husband to support her and the baby. I think you are going to have to tell her right now, that that is just not going to happen. I am sorry, but she is an adult, and she is also soon to be a mother, and as such it is her responsibility to take care of her child. It is one thing to ask for help when needed (like some babysitting while she is at work) but it is completely out of line for her to expect you to support her and the baby without her contributing. Now, she may be able to remain at home living there if that is agreeable to you both, but she absolutely must find ways to provide for her child and herself in some way. I am not sure why she is this way, or what boundaries have been set up for her in life that have caused her to feel this entitlement, but obviously it is something that cannot continue forever and she needs to take responsibility for HER choices. I suspect she may have been coddled a bit too much already by this point. I also hate to approach this, but honestly if she has no plan to support herself and the child, and no desire to, this may be something you may need to get Child & Family Services involved (and apply for guardianship with yourselves or other family) in at some point if she continues that mindset at risk of the child. You do not bring a baby into the world expecting others to take care of it. I am sorry, but I really think this has to be a tough love situation. I have no idea why she thinks she can expect you two to provide for her and HER child, but I think that is an expectation you need to put an end too. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I] Last edited by RayKay; 07-11-2007 at 12:57 PM.

07-11-2007, 01:23 PM	#4
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	The worst part in that is that it is really the kids whom suffer, because it starts a cycle. What would happen if her parents lost their financial stability and she could not provide for herself and child? She would end up on welfare and with CFS involved. What kind of principles is the CHILD going to learn? This is why it is important you set those boundaries clear and strong and stick to them. I know tough love is tough on everyone...not just the one it is "enacted" on! We had to enact that tough love on my younger brother many years ago and don't get me wrong, there was a rock bottom before a high, and it was difficult on everyone not to jump in and "rescue him". He is today however a wonderful, self supporting, independent young man - he recently bought a condo with his partner, works full time and is back in college part time. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

07-11-2007, 01:29 PM	#5
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	I wanted to add, you can see she is being selfish in she is clearly not thinking of the childs best interests here either, and what that child deserves from her as a parent. I grew up in household where money was very tight...my mother was a single parent with three kids for quite a while and she worked hard to make ends meet and made many sacrifices....but I am forever fiercely proud and appreciative of her and it is clear she did the very best she could, and even if we did not have much, I am so thankful for what we did, and how hard she worked. I learned many of my values and principles from seeing her do what she had to do. I will say, I would of felt far differently if she expected her parents to just take care of us all for her! My best friend got pregnant when she was 16, she really wanted to keep the baby, but also lived at home, was still in school and could not afford to give the child what they needed. Nor could the boyfriend. It was hard for her to do, but she gave the baby up for adoption, to a family she was able to choose via open adoption. I always have been proud of her for that choice, knowing how "selfless" it really was because I definitely know she loved that baby dearly. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

07-11-2007, 01:45 PM	#6
avman Online Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	I really, really would not automatically become a bank of withdrawal for this girl. Otherwise she's simply going to sponge off of you for life and you'll end up forking out everything because "I need it for the baby". If she refuses to support herself, yet she knows she can live with you and you'll provide for her - well then what incentive does she have to change her mind? None! You can threaten all you want but if there is no teeth to the threat she'll just laugh it off. As her parents/stepparents you are enabling her behavior by your own actions. Thus you are also a cause of this problem (I think you already realize this). As much as this is going to hurt, you will have to administer some tough love in this case. Though you say you aren't going to throw her in the street, that is exactly what you are going to have to be prepared to do. She needs to know this is a real consequence, otherwise you may as well get ready to keep forking out the money and supporting her. Sit her down and lay out a timetable for what you expect her to do. After the baby is born, she must get a job by x date (allowing time for her recovery of course). She must pay you rent and board in the amount of $x per month and make this a realistic number. She is to pursue a child support order from the father and you will assist her in that process. If she does not do these things, you will evict her after a period of x months and pursue legal custody of your grandchild. I'm not kidding here, you'll need to be ready to actually go through with it or this will never work. She needs to learn some responsibility and the only way to do that is to have very serious consequences if she blows it off. She's not going to be happy about this so be ready for harsh words, tears, threats, and her generally being extremely unpleasant throughout. But this is the short term pain you are going to have to put up with for the long term payoff of teaching her how to be a responsible adult. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

07-11-2007, 01:14 PM	#3
gj11235 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 7	Thanks, RayKay. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it will be easier to say than to do! She isn't a meanspirited girl, but is very selfish and selfcentered. Adding a layer of complication to the surface is this: a friend of hers, who is two years older, had a baby boy last fall. This friend's parents tried to straighten the girl out before the baby was born, but with no success. In the drama that ensued, they found it was easier to give in than keep working, and set the girl and the baby up in an apartment of her own, bought a car for her, and have consigned themselves to handing out more whenever the baby requires. I am sure that our mommy-to-be believes that if she sticks to her principles, she will see the same result. [Her mother's influence figures heavily here, unfortunately.] We are determined not to take that end, but I don't think we could actually put her out of the house, and that may be what's required.

07-11-2007, 01:52 PM	#7
HealingHandsWarmHeart Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: New Jersey Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 2,601	i agree with everything Raykay is saying... and i agree with tough love. We had to do tough love with my sister..and it was hard ... but in the end everything worked out and she is doing really well. With regards to your step daughter... if she never learns that her way of thinking is wrong ..then she will always rely on others to take care of her... but if you force her to take care of herself... then she learns an entirely new set of values and view points. At this point ..she has some time to make changes.. let her know that it is unacceptable for her to not work ...that she chose to have a child she needs to find the means to buy it diapers, food, clothes... etc. You didn't choose to get pregnant ..she did ... so why should take all of the responsibility? At this point ..if you and your husband don't put your foot down...you'll both probably end up caring for this child while your step daughter meanders through life with her head in the clouds. __________________ “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~ Ghandi

07-11-2007, 02:49 PM	#9
Kalika Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 1,343	I agree with RayKay. You need to assert some major tough love right away, otherwise this girl will ruin you and your SO's life. If you don't get really hard on her really quick, and make her come up with a plan, this situation is just going to get worse. The fact that she's thrilled about the pregnancy and already making plans to do absolutely nothing to care for the child doesn't bode well for you. She needs to work. She doesn't have the luxury of sitting on her A every day while everyone else supports her financially. She has done absolutely nothing to earn your help with raising her child. I think you need to tell her that you're willing to provide support if she goes to school. Otherwise, she needs to be on her own. That means finding a decent job and working full time like everyone else on the planet has to do, and raising the baby herself. I must add that it seems as though you and your SO have, at some point, done something to give her the idea that this would be acceptable for her to do. Have you caved into her demands in the past? Has she done major things like this in the past that you've had to clean up? It seems like there's a precedent that's been set already that allowed this to happen. Again, if something isn't done about this soon, you and your SO will end up raising her child alone. Your stepdaughter seems to have some serious issues and needs to get her attitude checked. Last edited by Kalika; 07-11-2007 at 02:51 PM.

07-11-2007, 03:24 PM	#10
gj11235 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 7	Thank you all for your advice. Russ978, we are committed, but both of us are divorced, and our previous marriages soured the name of matrimony for us. (Something of a long story... we are legally entwined enough to be married, but we don't like to use 'husband' or 'wife'). And, while I appreciate your points, I'm not looking for a way out. I'm just over my head on this one! Kalika, her primary example in this has been her mother - who still believes that this is a good approach to life. Her mother is an unbalanced woman who has no sense of responsibility, and still has not learned to take care of herself. No matter how low her mother falls, someone always steps in to help her and bail her out. Not 4 months ago, this woman bounced a bunch of checks (again), had her car reposessed (again), and rather than straighten her bills and life out, she begged her own mother to buy a car for her.... which she (my stepdaughter's grandmother) ultimately did. The example that her mother (and her mother's family) sets has been our largest challenge in raising these girls.