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I'm attracted to my FIRST cousin...


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Well I wasn't really sure where to put this...

 

But since there's not an "Is this normal?" category or one called, "What's wrong with me?!", I decided to put it here.

 

My family's not very close-knit. I used to hang out with my cousins (girls and boys) when I was younger but we all just grew apart as we got older. wHen we were kids I was pretty close with one cousin in particular. Hes like two years older and I liked him best because he was nicest to me out of everyone of my cousins.

 

Over the past ten years or so I have only seen him a few times and we don't keep in contact.

 

Earlier this year I saw him when I went home for my sister's wedding and right away, all I could think was, "This isn't good..."

 

Yes, I was attracted to him immediately. Now, all of my other male cousins are attractive guys (well, most of them, lol) but I'm not attracted to them--just him.

 

He's a really sweet guy; we just sat and talked and caught up for a long time--it got to the point where the rest of the family started teasing us for ignoring everyone else.

 

He has a great sense of humor and when we werent talking he was playing around with the kids, which I found endearing.

 

He travels a lot for business and when we were talking we realized that he comes to my city a few times a year for his job. He suggested that he stop by the next time he's in town (which will be three weeks...) and then jokingly said he may as well just stay with me so I can cook him dinner (apparently, I make really good biscuits, lol).

 

We exchanged phone numbers and I told him to let me know when he's in town and I'll definitely make him dinner.

 

The wedding was in March and he's called me a few times since then and the conversations are always great.

 

It's just really weird because, if you subtract the fact that we're freaking related, I'd be 99 percent sure this was the beginning of a great relationship.

 

Part of me doesn't mind being attracted to him and, if I'm completely honest, in a perfect world I wouldn't mind pursuing a relationship...if there weren't going to be any underlying complications (i.e., potential awkwardness and, most of all, the disapproval of our families).

 

In addition, from the way we interact with eachother, I have an idea that he might be somewhat attracted to me, as well. Our conversations are light-hearted, but he often initiates light flirting.

 

Still, though...considering my budding feelings for him, I don't know if I should invite him over when he comes to town. We've vaguely discussed him staying with me for the week he's here but nothing's settled because he doesn't know how much driving he's going to need to do once he's here.

 

I'm not worried about initiating any sexual, really, it's just that I almost feel like it'd be easier to move beyond my attraction to him if he wasn't staying with me for a week.

 

I have two questions, I guess:

First, should I let him stay with me when he comes and, if not, how do I tell him that I've changed my mind about it without seeming flakey?

 

And second, is it really SO wrong that I'm attracted to him? The only reasons I can find that make it a problem (at least in my head) is that our family wouldn't approve, but other than that, am I really such a terrible person?

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And second, is it really SO wrong that I'm attracted to him? The only reasons I can find that make it a problem (at least in my head) is that our family wouldn't approve, but other than that, am I really such a terrible person?

 

It is not wrong to be attracted to a cousin, because we can't control attraction. Cousins (unlike siblings we grow up with and see differently) are just regular people that happen to share our genetics. But bieng WITH a cousin is extremely taboo and you will not only take flack from your family but many people will judge you for this. Right or wrong it's going to happen.

 

Being attracted to him is not controllable. Not acting on the attraction is. There are always times in our lives where it is not appropriate to act on an impulse or an attraction. This is one of them. I'd take this as a lesson in growing up and not act on this.

 

I am sure more people than not had a hot cousin that they were attracted to, but they didn't act on it. Anyone can be attracted to a nice looking person and just because someone is our cousin doesn't mean they can't be good looking.

 

I suggest you look outside of the family tree for dates because this is going to cause you much much headache if you act on it.

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WOS. I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Chemistry is weird, and you can't always help who you are attracted to. It just happens that way. I have had a few relatives that I found really attractive...but

knowing we were related DID always put that "Ewww' factor in it, which sort of kept things in check for me. lol

 

As for inviting him over, that's your call.I see nothing wrong with it as long as you can keep yourself in check.Another reason is because HE might not feel like this at all, and imagine the embarrassment if he doesn't? Just something to think about.

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But bieng WITH a cousin is extremely taboo

 

Really? Not here. In the past marriage between cousins were commonplace and even encouraged (for economical reasons). I am slightly put off by the idea but maybe it's because I grew up with my cousins, so they're really family.

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But bieng WITH a cousin is extremely taboo

 

Really? Not here. In the past marriage between cousins were commonplace and even encouraged (for economical reasons). I am slightly put off by the idea but maybe it's because I grew up with my cousins, so they're really family.

 

Well let me reword that. It is highly taboo in the US and some other countries. There are countries where this is desirable and wealthy families ONLY marry cousins and other family.

 

I assumed she is living in the US. If she lives in a country that does not see this as taboo that makes a difference. My assumption was based on the way her post was worded - in other words if she lived in a country like yours I don't think she would be creating this post worrying about her attraction.

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But bieng WITH a cousin is extremely taboo

 

Really? Not here. In the past marriage between cousins were commonplace and even encouraged (for economical reasons). I am slightly put off by the idea but maybe it's because I grew up with my cousins, so they're really family.

 

That's true. Monarchies often practised this. Just as polygamy was also commonplace (and still is in some places) for thousands of years.

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Yeah, in the U.S. dating a cousin is usually looked down upon or called "inbreeding"

 

Yes, yes, I live in the U.S.

 

And yes, as someone mentioned above, I realize that it's called incest.

And no, for the reason that I mentioned (basically the disapproval of family AND society) it's not going beyond being attracted to him. So that really makes whether or not he feels the same way a moot point, regardless.

 

I'm just saying that, given the circumstances, I'd expect myself to feel like a bad person, but I don't.

 

Honestly, I'm more grossed out by the idea of dating a close male friend than I would be about dating (in theory) my first cousin.

 

I think it's because, as someone said, it's weird to have romantic feelings about someone that you grew up with. Yes, he's family, but we've basically been strangers for the past decade.

 

So...I guess this post has turned more philosophical than anything else.

 

WHY is incest wrong? Okay, given--I understand that brother/sister, mother/son, father/daughter, etc. relationships are frowned upon because of the potential for DNA issues, but why would it be wrong if he turned out to feel the same way?

 

I feel like a great deal of the "incest taboo" is based on social views, which, in my opinion, is a bit odd considering no one can tell me why it's wrong, just why it's not right.

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I feel like a great deal of the "incest taboo" is based on social views, which, in my opinion, is a bit odd considering no one can tell me why it's wrong, just why it's not right.

 

It depends on the culture. It is not considered wrong everywhere. It is in the US simply for social reasons there are no clear cut reasons other than it has been thought of for centuries that children born from parents who are related will suffer a higher degree of birth defects. In the case of siblings having children the risk might be somewhat higher but with cousins the stories that have been passed down over the years are myths.

 

The PRIMARY evil of incest in my mind is when the act is forced upon a family member - when it is not consentual. That is one of those times it is very "bad".

 

There are many social rules of each land that sometimes have very little, if any, scientific basis behind it, it just is what it is. Cousins marrying would be one of those things. It would be hard to shift a mindset that has been so many years in the making. It is not a lot different than interracial marriage as far as mindsets. It is not even illegal, nor do children bear anymore risk of defects than same race parents but in many places it is still taboo. In that case it is more social ignorance IMO.

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Why would it be considered 'wrong'?

 

DNA aside, I would say it has to do with social structure. Not an absolute wrong. It is a social wrong.

 

In your case, your cousin and yourself did not grow up into adulthood in a tight bond.

 

In my family, cousins are like brothers and sisters. That is the dynamic, the relationship that is created.

 

So you can see how acting on an attraction to a cousin who is in all ways more of a brother would be wrong. Because it messes with the safety and control of a family.

 

That is also the concern in places where cousins do not marry as a rule. We all need some familial or familial-like relationships with opposite sex people who we can feel safe in knowing that there is not a sexual element to it.

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Why would it be considered 'wrong'?

 

DNA aside, I would say it has to do with social structure. Not an absolute wrong. It is a social wrong.

 

In your case, your cousin and yourself did not grow up into adulthood in a tight bond.

 

In my family, cousins are like brothers and sisters. That is the dynamic, the relationship that is created.

 

So you can see how acting on an attraction to a cousin who is in all ways more of a brother would be wrong. Because it messes with the safety and control of a family.

 

That is also the concern in places where cousins do not marry as a rule. We all need some familial or familial-like relationships with opposite sex people who we can feel safe in knowing that there is not a sexual element to it.

 

I like your use of the term "family dynamic" ... great way to put it. Even cousins we are not close to are still a part of that family dynamic and that is the component that makes it taboo in some cultures.

 

Good response to the OP.

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I found this thread to be very interesting. In many South Asian countries, marriages are routinely arranged between cousins and other more distant family members. I wouldn't call it incest because of the concept of consanguinity. In my family, a couple of cousins have married each other. Interestingly, cousin marriages may be against the law depending up on the state where you live. What is taboo depends on the dominant culture. So, this is not taboo in many other cultures outside of the U.S.

 

People also worry about birth defects when people in the same blood line marry. But, you have to talk about a genetic counselor about that. I don't that the stats are any higher when first cousins marry.

 

I think you should do some research into this idea of whether or not it is Taboo or incestuous. Do a google search on cousing marraiges and you'll find a lot of intersting stuff. Also, get clear on how you really feel about your cousin.

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I like your use of the term "family dynamic" ... great way to put it. Even cousins we are not close to are still a part of that family dynamic and that is the component that makes it taboo in some cultures.

 

Good response to the OP.

 

Maybe I'm missing the point, but the logic here (and elsewhere, mind you) seems to be rather convoluted.

 

I realize that cousins and relatives, close or not, are part of the "family dynamic." But that doesn't mean the taboo aspect of a romance between cousins isn't almost entirely arbitrary.

 

I feel like a lot of the aversion to this type of relationship is simply based on personal feeling/opinion. Like I said, I have a few close guy friends that I would never think of romantically simply because we grew up together.

 

In addition, our circle of friends is, in large part, made up of girls who grew up with us, and even if one of them dated one of the guys in the group, I'd still be weirded out by it.

 

I guess relationships between cousins goes the same way; it's not necessarily wrong, just...weird?

 

I don't, however, agree that it's taboo because it messes with the family dynamic since, in my opinion, the only reason why it messes with the family dynamic is that it's seen as wrong.

 

And we're back to where we started.

 

As someone suggested to me earlier, I guess I should figure out how I feel about my cousin. I know I'm attracted to him and I know that, in a different culture/country/time period, that wouldn't be a problem--but it is.

 

So, as I said before, it doesn't matter that I "like" my cousin, because nothing will come of it. I've decided to treat the situation in the same manner as if he were an inappropriate partner in another sense (i.e., a boss, teacher, etc). I'd never pursue a relationship in one of those instances, either.

 

Thus, no worries about my family collapsing around my ears.

 

Or society imploding, for that matter.

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Maybe I'm missing the point, but the logic here (and elsewhere, mind you) seems to be rather convoluted.

 

It is very convoluted which is why I stated that there are some social taboos that we just cannot explain entirely, but they do exist.

 

I disagree about it not being a part of the family dynamic because close or not, you are blood related, and first cousins are close bloodlines being the children of a parent's sibling.

 

Just because we don't agree with a predominate mindset doesn't change it. Whenever you embark on a cultural shift you will be faced with many obstacles.

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Well, of course it is arbitrary! That is how systems maintain themselves. Rules.

 

It is wrong because we say it is wrong because we want to maintain an order.

 

The only question is whether you wish to remain part and participate in that order, or to risk some/all of the priveys of it by going against the grain.

 

Makes sense to me.

 

Getting clear on how you feel about your cuz makes a lot of sense, too.

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  • 6 years later...

Other than the fact that there are higher risks of genetic abnormalities occurring, I don't think you should feel like a freak or bad for being attracted to a first cousin, especially if didn't have much contact with them until adulthood. There is a a term for this kind of attraction.

 

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The stigma is primarily cultural. This has been practiced a lot in the past and even currently in some places, sometimes out of necessity. Did you know that at one point in prehistoric history humans were facing extinction and there were only a couple thousand humans on the entire planet?

 

Now, I don't have any siblings, but me first gut feelings towards siblings even consensual is a big EWWWW... I do have kids though, and one time when my children were very young I caught my son "playing doctor" with his younger sister. Let's just say I put the fear of god into him, with no problems since.

 

EDIT ARRGH... mods is there ANY WAY to prevent posts that are more than a couple years old from being bumped??

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