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  1. #1
    Bronze Member mumble's Avatar
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    Living situation during separation/divorce

    We may be on the road to splitsville.

    Due to financial and situational constraints, it would be hard to sell our residence and create two new ones.

    Emotionally, living apart seems to be the only appropriate answer. Even if both people can be friendly, there is the tension created by seeing the other person in the household.

    Opinions from others in the same boat?
    Last edited by mumble; 07-17-2007 at 02:17 AM.
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  2. #2
    JadedStar's Avatar
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    All I can say is that is correct. Living in the house together creates unnecessary tension even if you are civil. I did this once with my ex husband. Horrible situation. Will try to never have to do that again!

  3. #3
    Bronze Member skyjuice's Avatar
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    Hi

    Do both of you have children?

    Is it possible for either one of you to live in friends/parents house?

    Do both of you have pre-nuptial agreement?

    If both of you are unable to live in friends or parents house, how about set a time table to reduce the time both of you seeing each other in the household? For example, one leave for work earlier then the other.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
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    Have not been in that situation. Everyone's divorce situation is different and with mine... living in the same home was "NOT" an option during the divorce process. It was an abusive situation.

    However... I've had friends who have done it. Some do it with more style than others... depends on the emotional maturity of the persons involved.

    One couple... just live separate lives. They are both proffessionals and travel quite a bit. They agreed to stay in the home for the last few years of their childrens High School career. The children may... or may not know... the parents do not discuss it with them. They've continued to live as if... all is ok. They consult each other on the children and the schedules...they still do the family holiday party thing. Knowing that... once the children are in College.. they will split the assets and go their separate ways. finances are NOT A concern.

    Another couple.... where finances are a concern... YIKES. Divorce is NOT an option because like you.... creating 2 households would be impossible. The husband also can not fathrom "NOT" seeing his children everyday. So.... somehow they've been able to live in the same household... but have separate lives. She dates... but does not bring her dates home. He on the other hand can't seem to get a date or go on with his life because as soon as he discloses his situation to any woman, she goes running in the other direction. Can't say I blame them. I'd be afraid that he was trying to find a soft landing spot too. No one wants to be used as someone elses band aid or get away vehicle.

    My advice to you is to go to family and friends and see if you might work out some sort of solution with them. Rent a room from them.

    And if there are children involved.... please please be kind to one another for the children sake. If you both feel its done... then its done. Work a separation solution together that will alleviate stress on the children.
    "Sit vis vobiscum."

    "nemo me impune lacessit"

    "Libera Te Ex Inferis"

    "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
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    Perhaps during the period before the house sells you could look for a room in someone else's house, or a shared house situation. it is usually a lot cheaper than getting your own new place.

    Or plan to stay with friends or relatives on weekends when you are not working. Those long stretches when you are both home will be the most difficult.

    Some people handle this by officially 'splitting' the house, things like 'this room is mine, that yours' and 'the kitchen is yours between 4-6, and mine 7-9'... that is NOT the best way to do it, best to try to maturely decide to ignore one another as best as possible and have grounds rules about not picking fights. someone can't fight with you if you walk away.

    but really, best to find some way to move out... economize on something else, sell something if you have to, to cover the costs til the house sells.

  7. #6
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    Dealing with the same thing now myself. Wife wants the divorce but wants me to move out. I said no, she can move out since she is the one that wants the divorce. She has now come back to stay temporarily until we figure out who has to move out or worst case let the judge say who gets to stay. No kids involved. Doesn't sound like staying in separate rooms, even though ideal for financial reasons, will be very good for starting the healing process e.g., no contact being the best policy as seems to be the consensus of this forum.

  8. #7
    Member Bdhod1's Avatar
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    My soon to be ex husband and I were able to live in the same house for six weeks until he closed on a new house, not quite the same circumstance because I could see an end to it but I can tell you that for me, no contact did not work during that period, it actually created more stress. We both agree to live one day at a time during that period. It is hard because you want it all over now, but if you can treat each other with respect I found it easier to be friendly than not to talk or to create schedules in the house. My divorce seems to be very different than most. Even though I do not want it I can respect my husbands differences and dont Hate him. It has been painful but I found looking at my Ex as a human to be helpful.

  9. 07-11-2007, 12:52 AM

  10. #8
    Member star_fish's Avatar
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    I was just going to post something similar!

    I don't know exactly what to do, I am hoping my husband will be mature about it all.

    Good luck!

    ~sf

  11. #9
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    My soon to be ex is living at home with us still.
    Papers haven't been filed and now won't be filed until September as he is off abroad this weekend for two months. Hopefully.

    Initially it was ok. I thought we could be amicable and even be 'friends' but after a few weeks of doing this, I have found it incredibly hard to remain civil in front of the children. the stress of living with someone who a) couldn't give two ****s about me and b) acts as though nothing is happening because for the moment, apart from the bedroom aspect, nothing much as changed (he still gets his laundry done, dinner cooked and eaten with the kids etc etc, AND he gets to go and do whatever he wants whilst I look after ...everything)...well, I think I've plumbed new depths in my character and i'm not proud of it. It's funny - I would feel unbelievably petty if i didn't chuck his laundry in with mine and the kids/ or left him out of mealtimes, and yet lately I seem to have thought nothing of picking really unpleasant arguments in front of the children and swearing like a marine (no offence to marines!). So on top of the stress described, I'm in constant battle with myself to NOT give in and let rip.


    If one of you can find somewhere else to live until all is resolved, you will both be better off for it, particularly as regards your ability to deal amicably with one another in the future.


    Good luck in whatever you decide.

  12. #10
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    we're going on about 2 weeks living in separate rooms in the house while she pursues the divorce and it hasn't been much of a problem, no kids though. My approach is not to initiate any contact, no casual chat or dinners etc., only logistics and business as necessary to keep things in order.

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