Loss of attraction

ddevil · 07-06-2007, 12:06 PM

My girlfriend (Melanie) and I would have been together a year tomorrow but have been apart since Sunday. Previously I was in a relationship for 5 years and loved that person but I love Melanie on a much higher level which is what makes this so difficult. The problem is that our physical relationship had been horrible the last few months because she's no longer attracted to me physically. It's not that she thinks I'm unattractive but she just can't seem to feel that way about me. We both still love each other but we're not together because she feels like that's what she needs to see if the attraction can come back. We've become best friends as well and I don't know if that's part of the problem, if anything I think that's a great thing. She also feels that we need to do more stuff on our own sometimes which could also play a part in her not being attracted to me since she feels that she doesn't have time to herself. I'm just not sure what to do on my end or what might help her. It's just very hard to deal with because if it weren't for this issue I would ask her to spend the rest of her life with me and marry me. I don't want to lose her more than anything. Currently I'm trying to follow SuperDave's guidelines and not call her which is of course very difficult. I really appreciate any advice you can offer.

beauty21 · 07-06-2007, 12:27 PM

I think Melanie is telling you half truth here. How is it that she is not attracted to you anymore? did you gain weight? Go bald? Even then, if she loves you, then she has to love all the things about you. I wouldn't trust her with your heart if I were you. Say you get married then she says, "your feet stink", so I want to split up. What type of mess it that? I just don't understand, how after a year she is saying that she is not attracted to you. That would not only hurt me, but it would kill my self-esteem too by me loving someone and being with them for a year and then they tell me they are not physically attracted to me anymore. She is holding back what she really wants to say. I know it's easier said, than done, but I would not even want to be her friend.

ddevil · 07-06-2007, 12:34 PM

I feel that it has something to do with our relationship that is affecting her attraction but I don't understand what and she doesn't seem to understand why she's not attracted to me anymore. I'm in very similar shape to what I was a year ago and getting better. I've started doing cardio and lifting 5 days a week hoping that maybe if my appearance were somewhat different that it would help even though people think I'm already attractive. She has always been very honest with me and never once given me a reason to mistrust her so I believe she's telling me exactly what she feels the problem is.

CrapAtNC · 07-06-2007, 12:43 PM

Have you been crowding her? Not giving her space? Being too available? Being too ... nice?

Nice is good; too nice isn't. When a relationship becomes too easy, when the guy becomes too predictable, when he's always there, displaying his love and undying affection, it becomes stale for the woman, and you lower your value to her.

Try giving her some space, not answering all her calls, replying a few hours or even a day late to text messages. Try showing her that you have self-respect, that you have a life beyond your relationship.

Hope that helps ... and doesn't sound too mean.

beauty21 · 07-06-2007, 12:47 PM

People change all the time. And maybe was feeling a bit crowded, who knows. But I still don't think you should bend over backwards to change your appearance for anyone, but yourself. You say yourself that people think you are attractive. Go out with some of them. It's better than trying to change your image for someone that will probably want you to change it up again down the road. Be happy with yourself and who you are. And be with someone that appreciates that. You sound like a great guy. Don't live your life for a woman.

ddevil · 07-06-2007, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrapAtNC

Have you been crowding her? Not giving her space? Being too available? Being too ... nice?

Nice is good; too nice isn't. When a relationship becomes too easy, when the guy becomes too predictable, when he's always there, displaying his love and undying affection, it becomes stale for the woman, and you lower your value to her.

Try giving her some space, not answering all her calls, replying a few hours or even a day late to text messages. Try showing her that you have self-respect, that you have a life beyond your relationship.

Hope that helps ... and doesn't sound too mean.

That sounds pretty on target in almost every aspect. What would you suggest to not be 'too nice' or predictable?

ddevil · 07-06-2007, 01:14 PM

Another twist on this is that we booked a cruise about a month ago for the end of August. We're not sure if we're going to go together now. If we don't go that's $2900 down the drain and I paid for all of it. The thing about a cruise is that she's not attracted to me and generally that doesn't work well on a cruise since you would normally expect to have sex frequently. I'm just not sure what to do about the situation if the attraction doesn't come back by then.

JadedStar · 07-06-2007, 01:16 PM

We cannot force attraction on anyone. It is either there or it is not. I think if she went so far as to admit this to you then it is a pretty powerful feeling (the non attraction).

At this point, you are nothing more than friends without the chemistry component and i think you would be selling yourself short to stick it out.

I guess people CAN get back attraction, but personally if I knew my SO were no longer attracted to me there is nothing that would motivate me to try to change his mind. You either are or you are not. I wouldn't try to force it.

CharLit · 07-06-2007, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrapAtNC

Nice is good; too nice isn't. When a relationship becomes too easy, when the guy becomes too predictable, when he's always there, displaying his love and undying affection, it becomes stale for the woman, and you lower your value to her.

Women are not cookies all made with the same cutter. Credit us with some more individuality and different tastes. I LOVE that my boyfriend is extremely nice. I love that our relationship is easy, why on earth would I not want it to be? I love how after nearly five years we are still displaying our undying love and affection to each other. I love that we also have great sex. My previous boyfriend was what you think ddevil should become and i felt increasingly miserable as the relationship progressed. I didn't feel like sex in the end anymore because I felt unloved.

Ddevil, are you - and she - sure that it you she isn't attracted to? Or is her sex drive just generally low at the moment? Do you know if she's attracted to other people? Does she masturbate?

Aside from the attraction issue, it might indeed be good to re-develop your own lives outside of each other. How ever crazy you are about one another, time spent doing things apart gives you more to talk about, it allows you to get feedback about life from other people too, it gives you the opportunity to miss one another, and it ensures you have something to fall back on if things do ever go wrong in your relationship.

She's asking for space - I would give it to her. And try and have a good time even without her, to show both yourself and her that you can. It doesn't guarantee anything, but it stands a better chance than going against what she has asked.

I really hope things get better!!!

ddevil · 07-06-2007, 01:20 PM

I just don't understand what changed such that she is no longer attracted to me and how to fix it.

07-06-2007, 12:06 PM	#1
ddevil Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 25	Loss of attraction My girlfriend (Melanie) and I would have been together a year tomorrow but have been apart since Sunday. Previously I was in a relationship for 5 years and loved that person but I love Melanie on a much higher level which is what makes this so difficult. The problem is that our physical relationship had been horrible the last few months because she's no longer attracted to me physically. It's not that she thinks I'm unattractive but she just can't seem to feel that way about me. We both still love each other but we're not together because she feels like that's what she needs to see if the attraction can come back. We've become best friends as well and I don't know if that's part of the problem, if anything I think that's a great thing. She also feels that we need to do more stuff on our own sometimes which could also play a part in her not being attracted to me since she feels that she doesn't have time to herself. I'm just not sure what to do on my end or what might help her. It's just very hard to deal with because if it weren't for this issue I would ask her to spend the rest of her life with me and marry me. I don't want to lose her more than anything. Currently I'm trying to follow SuperDave's guidelines and not call her which is of course very difficult. I really appreciate any advice you can offer.

07-06-2007, 12:27 PM	#2
beauty21 Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 960	I think Melanie is telling you half truth here. How is it that she is not attracted to you anymore? did you gain weight? Go bald? Even then, if she loves you, then she has to love all the things about you. I wouldn't trust her with your heart if I were you. Say you get married then she says, "your feet stink", so I want to split up. What type of mess it that? I just don't understand, how after a year she is saying that she is not attracted to you. That would not only hurt me, but it would kill my self-esteem too by me loving someone and being with them for a year and then they tell me they are not physically attracted to me anymore. She is holding back what she really wants to say. I know it's easier said, than done, but I would not even want to be her friend.

07-06-2007, 12:34 PM	#3
ddevil Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 25	I feel that it has something to do with our relationship that is affecting her attraction but I don't understand what and she doesn't seem to understand why she's not attracted to me anymore. I'm in very similar shape to what I was a year ago and getting better. I've started doing cardio and lifting 5 days a week hoping that maybe if my appearance were somewhat different that it would help even though people think I'm already attractive. She has always been very honest with me and never once given me a reason to mistrust her so I believe she's telling me exactly what she feels the problem is.

07-06-2007, 12:43 PM	#4
CrapAtNC Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 516	Have you been crowding her? Not giving her space? Being too available? Being too ... nice? Nice is good; too nice isn't. When a relationship becomes too easy, when the guy becomes too predictable, when he's always there, displaying his love and undying affection, it becomes stale for the woman, and you lower your value to her. Try giving her some space, not answering all her calls, replying a few hours or even a day late to text messages. Try showing her that you have self-respect, that you have a life beyond your relationship. Hope that helps ... and doesn't sound too mean.

07-06-2007, 12:47 PM	#5
beauty21 Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 960	People change all the time. And maybe was feeling a bit crowded, who knows. But I still don't think you should bend over backwards to change your appearance for anyone, but yourself. You say yourself that people think you are attractive. Go out with some of them. It's better than trying to change your image for someone that will probably want you to change it up again down the road. Be happy with yourself and who you are. And be with someone that appreciates that. You sound like a great guy. Don't live your life for a woman.

07-06-2007, 01:14 PM	#7
ddevil Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 25	Another twist on this is that we booked a cruise about a month ago for the end of August. We're not sure if we're going to go together now. If we don't go that's $2900 down the drain and I paid for all of it. The thing about a cruise is that she's not attracted to me and generally that doesn't work well on a cruise since you would normally expect to have sex frequently. I'm just not sure what to do about the situation if the attraction doesn't come back by then.

07-06-2007, 01:16 PM	#8
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,347	We cannot force attraction on anyone. It is either there or it is not. I think if she went so far as to admit this to you then it is a pretty powerful feeling (the non attraction). At this point, you are nothing more than friends without the chemistry component and i think you would be selling yourself short to stick it out. I guess people CAN get back attraction, but personally if I knew my SO were no longer attracted to me there is nothing that would motivate me to try to change his mind. You either are or you are not. I wouldn't try to force it.

07-06-2007, 01:20 PM	#10
ddevil Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 25	I just don't understand what changed such that she is no longer attracted to me and how to fix it.