were you always that kid at dinner

who didn't talk or laugh or smile. but merely sat and ate. and when a grownup asked why don't you smile or laugh. you put on the biggest fakest smile as possible for a minute then immediately went back to eating your meal in silence.

then you grew up a little went to school, never standing out, never making close friends, always going home to the comfort of your siblings to watch tv, play video games together or do something together.

then you grew up some more only to feel a little self conscious of being around your sibling so much while trying to make friend. they didn't turn out to be really close friends but one or two people you did activities with. because deep down your that same awkward kid/

then one or two years later. you really don't do anything with anybody anymore but bury yourself in studies, wanting to get to the next stage of your life and see how it all turns out, but unfortunately nothing really changes. no matter what choice you make. your still lost without any thoughts, and still without any friends. still that same kid at the dinner table eating alone.

those first two paragraphs described me pretty well and i realized what was happening to me. So i changed. I began approaching people more with more of a care-free attitude not caring what other people thought.

i assume u r talking about yourself here and if this is not the kind of life u want to live i would recommend doing something to boost your confidence and get out more. I would read up on self-confidence boosters and just go out and have a good time, and go with friends if u have any close ones.

Its just a typical anti-social thread tho.

A family member as you described it is nothing more then a stranger that happens to be related by blood to you.

Its the loving activities that take place that make bond with your family, you become an alien if you never do activities, what you need to get rid of is the auto-expectation that the rest of the world is obliged to make you happy. The nothingness that you reside in by being lonely and a hermit is worth nothing. You don't have to be social if you don't want to , but its plain boring in my opinion. People intereact for a reason, because they are social and they want to have a cozy time, not because they want to be tortured by all the conversations, talking and intereacting isn't meant as a means to make you unhappy. althought that can happen and you should close yourself to the people who do make you unhappy, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't experience all the wonderfull things and people that are out there.

Listen to comedy central radio for 1 hour every day, and you can experience for yourself the joy of talking, people can give eachother a wonderfull time while talking. See that as an addition instead of a 'you are forced to do so'.

if you don't want to be lonely, then you have to step towards the people. No action is no reaction. So make sure you invest effort into having contacts and maintaining them, if that is what you want.

No, I wasn't that kid.

Nothing changes because you need to change how you act and relate.

The above posters are right that change won't happen on its own accord. You can make choices to change the way things are and become more active, socially and in other ways.

I can definitely relate to that feeling of being muted at the dinner table. The question is whether you have something to say or not. Are you content just listening? Do you feel like throwing in your opinions at times but don't because of indifference or perhaps fear? I'm not trying to sound like I'm selling you a product here: I'm genuinely asking!

At some point, I came to a new stage in my life, a new scene with new people, and although I didn't really change as much as I would've liked to, I outgrew some of my own awkwardness. I know it's easy to just let things slip by while focusing on other things, like hobbies perhaps. But I was tired, frankly, of feeling so distant and detached from everyone, and it seems like you feel the same way too.

It's scary to give because you won't always get back what you invest in the first place, but after having not given much for the past couple of years, I feel that it's well worth it to give everything than to hold back. I'm talking specifically about friendships here and just opening up to people. When you open up to someone (like reveal a personal secret or even more simply just reveal a side of yourself that you've kept pent up all along) you are essentially opening yourself up to rejection. But only when you are that vulnerable can you learn to really trust (and value) others, and only then can they learn to truly value you.

Awkwardness is something that you outgrow not by age but by experience. The brain has amazing capabilities for adaptation, and even though it's best to learn instruments and stuff like that when you are young, the brain is always adapting. When you strum a guitar the first time, it's awkward and stiff and probably really uncomfortable. But then as you keep repeating the motions, pathways in your brain begin to build and reinforce that action, until it comes out smoothly and naturally.

It's sort of the same principle with socializing. There are norms and understood conventions to socializing which you can only truly master by immersing yourself in social situations, even if it is really challenging at the beginning. For the social guru, things like small talk come so naturally to them that they don't really think about it, whereas for people who haven't had as much social experience, even small talk requires effort. We all fall somewhere on that spectrum, and only through experience can we become accustomed to those minute details of social interactions (posture, body language, facial expressions, etc.) until they become more and more automatic. That frees your mind to stop worrying about all those details (which can really be incredibly overwhelming), so that you can more fully engage yourself in conversation with others and develop more meaningful bonds (perhaps at the dinner table?).

It's better than talking while you eat. Talking with your mouth full is very rude.

Could it be that the kid is too obedient? Trying too hard to be good. Staying still and quiet because it is only the naughty kids who run around and make noise. And if you are good you give the adults what they want. A big smile even if it is not genuine.

And when you are in the company of your peers how do you know what to do since you only know how to do what you are told. So you sit and wait for any social cues to know how you must perform to find out how to please the other. Maybe you have learned helplessness.

Maybe he needs to learn to break the rules and disobey. (I don't mean the rules that prevent harm to people though I mean the ones where people say to do this or do that simply because it is what *they* want. Don't be selfish. Don't be greedy. Don't be mean. Don't exist. Maybe you need to sometimes.

I wasn't that kid until recently now that kid is pretty much me apart from the fact that i do have a few close friends and go out from time to time but inside I am just like that and I still spend too much time with my brother but I am growing on him he's a cool kid I love him.

I was the kid at the dinner table who had to be constantly reminded to eat because I was to busy talking. I was the kid who decided to wear my flamingo hat on the first day of kindergarten. I was the kid who had a million best friends. I was the kid who grew up with more confidence then anyone. I was the most outgoing kid of all my friends. So I was the opposite of everything you said but somehow I still end up feeling the same way sometimes. I don't think it really matters if you were social or anti-social you can still end up feeling lost.

i aint understand the rest of it

I wasn't that kid until recently now that kid is pretty much me apart from the fact that i do have a few close friends and go out from time to time but inside I am just like that and I still spend too much time with my brother but I am growing on him he's a cool kid I love him.

how old is your brother? mine is 2 years younger. its good you've grown closer to your brother as you get older. growing up preteen, my brother was my best friend, hating, fighting, laughing, having fun. but in our teeny years we developed separate personalities and lifestyles and grew apart. and like one poster said i was the good kid who studied, never went out to parties and never got in trouble, he was the opposite, the blacksheep.

so we've grown up and moved on after all those late years of silence. he's more successful now, professionally and socially.

I was the kid at the dinner table who had to be constantly reminded to eat because I was to busy talking. I was the kid who decided to wear my flamingo hat on the first day of kindergarten. I was the kid who had a million best friends. I was the kid who grew up with more confidence then anyone. I was the most outgoing kid of all my friends. So I was the opposite of everything you said but somehow I still end up feeling the same way sometimes. I don't think it really matters if you were social or anti-social you can still end up feeling lost.

at least you have that choice. whether to surround yourself with friends and enjoy their company, or withdraw within yourself around their company.

for the socially unskilled, not only do we have to fight negative feelings within ourselves, and other's perception of who we are, but learn how to relate to and communicate with people.

i hate it when at work i'm introduced as the quiet one. or someone asks. is your sister quiet like you.

My brother is about three and a half years younger than me. I would love it if he were just two years younger than me. Well when we were small we did a lot together i taught him how to ride a bike and swim etc. But its only recently that we've been hanging out like at night i will go to his room and chat with him or when we get home from school we will make something to eat together and play on the game consoles. Were very different but what I like now is that he's growing up and it looks like he will hit puberty soon which i will have to endlessly tease him for i cant imagine it. So now that he is soon to be a teenager i think we will be closer instead of growing apart, well unless he becomes the kind of boy who always parties. He's very into the idea of girls already lol i found a "Nuts" magazine in his room which he claims he found on a train and it is now used as his bible. But I hope he doesn't become one of those kids, he's on ritalin though not for Attention Deficit but for some learning disability and its made him a lot more assertive and confident, he's become the popular kid again from being the loner who got bullied so he could turn out to be very different from me. You should try to stay in touch with your brother and try and forge a bond again i'm sure you would enjoy it.

I was the opposite of everything you said but somehow I still end up feeling the same way sometimes. I don't think it really matters if you were social or anti-social you can still end up feeling lost.

Very wise observation, Brooke!

for the socially unskilled, not only do we have to fight negative feelings within ourselves, and other's perception of who we are, but learn how to relate to and communicate with people.

You're right, it's harder (not impossible, though) for some people.

Do you mind if I ask what you are currently doing to fight those negative internal feelings, and learning how to relate, communicate, and forge deeper connections with people?

Or what you've done in the past that had at least some positive results? Because I am sure you have had at least one or two successes in this area, made some strides. It's all about persisting, and understanding that important, and yes, tough goals, can take quite a bit of time and effort to realize.

well, after working all day i go home around 6 pm, sit by myself in silence, watch tv, surf the net, work out, study or pass out. anyone of those combination. i met a few people at a club. they go there regularly so i've been around them a couple of different times. but after a few rounds of drinks i'm at a loss for words again.

and there's this one girl i've known for a year from the internet, we would exchange short emails about every week at first, we hungout a few times in the past several month, doing activities or sharing a few meals. and yes i found myself at loss for words as well. haven't heard from her in a few weeks since she was finishing her exams. wish i could call her up but what would i say?

though she did leave a blog on her page wishing a guy would send her a message to see how shes doing. it would be far fetched to think she could refer to me? i don't know. i've been waiting for her to contact me actually. i don't think we've progressed far enough that she would think of me and expect me to send her a message. eventhough i think of her more than i should.

i've also tried eating at a bar and grill. met someone once who was a tourist. had pretty decent get to know you conversation but i didn't really pursue it.

guess i'm tired of coming home daily to emptiness and loneliness. tired of not getting to know the few people that i do know beyond the superficial level. everyone i've ever known moves on and i never hear from again.

I don't think people have to be anti-social or socially unskilled. I think people who are alone choose to be alone. I'm not trying to say that it's not hard or a tough situation to be in. And it's not always easy to be the person who has a million friends. Those are more relationships you have to worry about and try to maintain. I know personally people expect me to be out partying everything and sometimes I just don't want to. I think when were 5 years old out on the kidergarten playground we make a choice of weather were going to be the kid playing tag with all of the other kids or if were going to be the kid playing alone in the sandbox. And I just think we keep making that exact same kind of decision over and over again and if you want to have friends and you want to have a social life eventually you have to decide that that's what you want and you have to put yourself out there. People aren't going to come to you wanting to be friends and yeah it may be awkward at first but you'll get better at it.