New bf's dad might have cancer

goonie · 06-13-2007, 09:38 AM

Hi,

I've been dating this guy for three months now, and things have been going great. This past weekend was the first time that we had spent multiple days in a row together, and we had such a fun time. We have yet to label our relationship as bf/gf, but I came out of the weekend really great about things, like we had reached the point that where things were comfortable and that we were really bf/gf.

Well, we usually IM eachother at work all day, and I hadn't heard anything from him on Monday and Tuesday after our weekend together, so I was worried that maybe all the together time we had was too much for him. So I gave him a call last night, and he told me that they think his father might have colon cancer and his father had surgery so had been in the hospital with his family. I felt absolutely awful! He said that they wouldn’t know for sure if it was cancer until Friday, but made it seem as though the prognosis was not good. He said that he'd like to see me this week but wasn't sure if it would happen, and apologized for not being in touch. I told him not to worry, and if we hangout great, but that he had to do what he needed to do and be with his family. I asked questions and showed concern, but he seemed to want to get off the phone quickly.

After I got off the phone I realized that I hadn’t asked him how HE was doing through all of this, and just had asked about his mom and dad. So I felt bad and texted him that I was there for him if he needed anything, and to have a good night sleep and that I would talk to him later. I haven’t heard from since, do you think I was being too pushy? I’ve never had someone close to me have cancer, so I’m not sure how to really act. In addition, with things still be so new in our relationship, it makes it hard for me to know where the line is. I know that they don’t even know for sure if it is cancer, but I can’t stop feeling such anxiety. Any advice?

Beec · 06-13-2007, 09:51 AM

I think what you did was fine. You asked and made yourself available. When you see him, in the future, the one question to always ask and look at him when you ask, and get a real answer much of the time is how HE is. And ask how his father is, but gauge how he reacts when you ask. If he does not want to be asked that, let it slide and just ask about him or ask about him and his family. There is nothing wrong with showing you care some. Early on, you can show you care too much, but this was not it.

Crazyaboutdogs · 06-13-2007, 10:26 AM

You did the right thing...don't worry. If he does indeed have colon cancer, people do survive that...my father did. It depends on whether or not the cancer is localized to the colon or if it has spread to the liver and elsewhere. It takes time to get the results from pathology so the waiting and not knowing is very tough. My father's cancer had not spread to the liver, but one lymph node was affected so he went through chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is rough on the patient as well as on the family. There can be bad reactions to the chemo until they regulate the dose. I am telling you all of this so that in case your boyfriend shuts down on you...that you don't take it personally...it is just the rough time he is going through. Be there for him but gauge whether or not he wants to talk about it. If he pulls away from you and doesn't call back...just understand that it is not you...it is the situation he is in. If he pulls away, just leave a message on his machine every once in awhile just saying hi and hoping he is okay. Believe me, even if he does pull away...at some point when the crisis is over, he will remember if you were patient and understanding during his time of need.

TheFoglifter · 06-13-2007, 01:33 PM

I don't think you did anything wrong. I had a friend whose dad just went through this, and unfortunately did not survive. Depending on what the prognosis is, you may not see your boyfriend much at all over the next few weeks. When you do see him though, he'll definitely need the support.

prizmpyxis · 06-13-2007, 05:37 PM

Hi Goonie,

I think that you handled this situation very well. My best friend's father died of lung cancer last summer, and it was extremely difficult for me because I didn't know how to help her. Sometimes I still feel like I should be doing something, but then I stop myself because I know that she doesn't want to be treated differently and she knows that I'm there for her.
Your guy is obviously going through a tough time! He just found out that his Dad has a serious illness and with that comes the prospect of dying. His whole family is stressed right now, so I honestly wouldn't worry about him not calling you. I think that you should give him space, and let him call you when he is ready.
When my friend's Dad was sick, we were in high school. There were days when she would come to school and I honestly couldn't recognize her because she looked so exhausted and awful. I just kept treating her the same and let her know that I was there if she needed to talk. You expressed the same to him, and now you just need to let him be. He seems to like you, and he will come around when he is ready. I understand that you are feeling anxious, but you need to understand that right now he needs to be with his family and you did NOTHING wrong. He will contact you as soon as he feels better about his current situation.
I would definately not contact him again, and try to busy yourself with other things until he feels better and contacts you.

goonie · 06-13-2007, 07:53 PM

Thank you all for your comments and support, I will definitely take your adivice!! He IM'd me at work earlier today and thanked me and said he really appreciated what I said. On top of it all, his mother just finished recuperating from surgery and his aunt had a heart attack last week, so his family has been through a lot lately. I just told him to stay positive and hope that everyone gets healthy. He's a very fun-loving guy and a total comedian, so he went right into the jokes and we kidded around on IM all day at work...which may have been what he needed because from what I can tell so far he doesn't necessarily want to talk about the seriousness of it, and joking around seems to be the way he deals with things like this. So for now I will go with that. As I was leaving work tonight I asked if he was going to the hospital tonight, he was unsure and seemed a little upset b/c he had been waiting around at work all day to hear from his mother to see what he should do, and still hand't heard from her. I just told him that I was sure she'd be in touch soon, and to hang in there and have a good night.

They should know the prognosis on Friday so depending on how things go I'm sure I will need some additional advice!

06-13-2007, 09:38 AM	#1
goonie Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 13	New bf's dad might have cancer Hi, I've been dating this guy for three months now, and things have been going great. This past weekend was the first time that we had spent multiple days in a row together, and we had such a fun time. We have yet to label our relationship as bf/gf, but I came out of the weekend really great about things, like we had reached the point that where things were comfortable and that we were really bf/gf. Well, we usually IM eachother at work all day, and I hadn't heard anything from him on Monday and Tuesday after our weekend together, so I was worried that maybe all the together time we had was too much for him. So I gave him a call last night, and he told me that they think his father might have colon cancer and his father had surgery so had been in the hospital with his family. I felt absolutely awful! He said that they wouldn’t know for sure if it was cancer until Friday, but made it seem as though the prognosis was not good. He said that he'd like to see me this week but wasn't sure if it would happen, and apologized for not being in touch. I told him not to worry, and if we hangout great, but that he had to do what he needed to do and be with his family. I asked questions and showed concern, but he seemed to want to get off the phone quickly. After I got off the phone I realized that I hadn’t asked him how HE was doing through all of this, and just had asked about his mom and dad. So I felt bad and texted him that I was there for him if he needed anything, and to have a good night sleep and that I would talk to him later. I haven’t heard from since, do you think I was being too pushy? I’ve never had someone close to me have cancer, so I’m not sure how to really act. In addition, with things still be so new in our relationship, it makes it hard for me to know where the line is. I know that they don’t even know for sure if it is cancer, but I can’t stop feeling such anxiety. Any advice?

06-13-2007, 09:51 AM	#2
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	I think what you did was fine. You asked and made yourself available. When you see him, in the future, the one question to always ask and look at him when you ask, and get a real answer much of the time is how HE is. And ask how his father is, but gauge how he reacts when you ask. If he does not want to be asked that, let it slide and just ask about him or ask about him and his family. There is nothing wrong with showing you care some. Early on, you can show you care too much, but this was not it. __________________ "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." C.S. Lewis--Answers to Questions on Christianity

06-13-2007, 10:26 AM	#3
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,630	You did the right thing...don't worry. If he does indeed have colon cancer, people do survive that...my father did. It depends on whether or not the cancer is localized to the colon or if it has spread to the liver and elsewhere. It takes time to get the results from pathology so the waiting and not knowing is very tough. My father's cancer had not spread to the liver, but one lymph node was affected so he went through chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is rough on the patient as well as on the family. There can be bad reactions to the chemo until they regulate the dose. I am telling you all of this so that in case your boyfriend shuts down on you...that you don't take it personally...it is just the rough time he is going through. Be there for him but gauge whether or not he wants to talk about it. If he pulls away from you and doesn't call back...just understand that it is not you...it is the situation he is in. If he pulls away, just leave a message on his machine every once in awhile just saying hi and hoping he is okay. Believe me, even if he does pull away...at some point when the crisis is over, he will remember if you were patient and understanding during his time of need.

06-13-2007, 01:33 PM	#4
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	I don't think you did anything wrong. I had a friend whose dad just went through this, and unfortunately did not survive. Depending on what the prognosis is, you may not see your boyfriend much at all over the next few weeks. When you do see him though, he'll definitely need the support.

06-13-2007, 05:37 PM	#5
prizmpyxis Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New York Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 215	Hi Goonie, I think that you handled this situation very well. My best friend's father died of lung cancer last summer, and it was extremely difficult for me because I didn't know how to help her. Sometimes I still feel like I should be doing something, but then I stop myself because I know that she doesn't want to be treated differently and she knows that I'm there for her. Your guy is obviously going through a tough time! He just found out that his Dad has a serious illness and with that comes the prospect of dying. His whole family is stressed right now, so I honestly wouldn't worry about him not calling you. I think that you should give him space, and let him call you when he is ready. When my friend's Dad was sick, we were in high school. There were days when she would come to school and I honestly couldn't recognize her because she looked so exhausted and awful. I just kept treating her the same and let her know that I was there if she needed to talk. You expressed the same to him, and now you just need to let him be. He seems to like you, and he will come around when he is ready. I understand that you are feeling anxious, but you need to understand that right now he needs to be with his family and you did NOTHING wrong. He will contact you as soon as he feels better about his current situation. I would definately not contact him again, and try to busy yourself with other things until he feels better and contacts you.

06-13-2007, 07:53 PM	#6
goonie Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 13	Thank you all for your comments and support, I will definitely take your adivice!! He IM'd me at work earlier today and thanked me and said he really appreciated what I said. On top of it all, his mother just finished recuperating from surgery and his aunt had a heart attack last week, so his family has been through a lot lately. I just told him to stay positive and hope that everyone gets healthy. He's a very fun-loving guy and a total comedian, so he went right into the jokes and we kidded around on IM all day at work...which may have been what he needed because from what I can tell so far he doesn't necessarily want to talk about the seriousness of it, and joking around seems to be the way he deals with things like this. So for now I will go with that. As I was leaving work tonight I asked if he was going to the hospital tonight, he was unsure and seemed a little upset b/c he had been waiting around at work all day to hear from his mother to see what he should do, and still hand't heard from her. I just told him that I was sure she'd be in touch soon, and to hang in there and have a good night. They should know the prognosis on Friday so depending on how things go I'm sure I will need some additional advice!