18yoF seeking 28yoM... or 28yo Father?

kiasuten · 05-26-2007, 01:53 PM

Not sure where to put this, so here it is.

My best friend gets crushes on guys all the time. Mostly, the stupid crushes that she gets on classmates last a few months or so and then she's over it, and moves on to the next dude. The only time we (her friends) worry about her is when her crushes last a little too long. She's the dependant type, which could be the absence of her father when she was growing up (she turns 18 in a few months) and, as her friends, we know that we're the only people that she can indefinately depend on.

Being the inquisitive type (not to mention needing to feel like I'm doing something important), I question her a lot about what's going on. I care about her well-being, and she knows this, and she doesn't get defensive or mad when I ask her-- we have an understanding that we both just want what's best for each other.

Right now, she has a huge crush on a school faculty member. We have all had our share of things for the staff at our high school (I mean, not everyone looks like Mr. Feeny, right?) and she can't stop talking about him. The guy who she is crushing on is the Coordinator of one of the programs we're apart of. He's pretty awesome-- I understand why she's crushing on him. He's attractive, funny, intelligent, and really friendly. Now, the thing is, his friendliness is probably what gets her-- she thinks that his friendliness is directed toward her specifically.

I don't know what else to put here, so I'll stick what I feel is important.

The guy is 28 years old. He is married, and loves his wife (who works in the same office as he does) and is the adoptive father of her children.

My friend is turning 18 in 2 months. I'm not sure why that's relevant, but she insisted I put it here.

I believe that my friend looks at this guy as a replacement (sort of) of her father, and she just wants his attention/acceptance/whatever. She doesn't want to break up the marriage, (or even think that she is able to) but she wants to tell this guy that she has some strong feelings for him (even though she's not sure what kind they are). I am advising her not to because that could create some really awkward tension between them, not to mention it could jeopardize the relationship that my friend, the guy, and his wife have with each other.

So, I ask, should she talk to him? And if so, what could she say? (Even if you don't think she should talk to him, could you give an example of what you'd advise someone to say? She's stubborn... you know the type).

Thanks

tylercdurden2004 · 05-26-2007, 01:57 PM

Talk to him about what? To profess her love? To talk about the weather?

Roasted Carrots · 05-26-2007, 02:01 PM

I don't think she should talk to him about her feelings. Not only could it cause tension, but legal problems. It doesn't matter that she'll be 18 soon, RIGHT NOW she's a minor. And he can get in serious trouble because he has authority and she's a student - even if she's the one who instigated everything.

I think she's attracted to his humor, sucess, and maybe even the danger involved in likeing someone you're not supposed to. I don't know why this crush is different from the rest, but you should try to steer your friend away so she can get over him.

Zackinlaw · 05-26-2007, 02:01 PM

It's a land mine!!!! Talk with him about what??? First of all, he's married! Second of all, he's 10 years older than her (a HUGE difference at her age), and third of all, if she tells him about her feelings, it will just make him uncomfortable and FORCE him to be distant because if he says or does anything that could be taken as remotely encouraging of her crush, he puts his job and marriage at risk.

I can't give any examples of what to say because I strongly believe that she shouldn't talk to him about her feelings at all ... anything she said would be bad, no matter how she put it.

Zack.

Snoopy24 · 05-26-2007, 02:03 PM

No she should not talk to him. Not only is he ten years her senior. He works in the school and he'd get fired. So why put him in a situation like that?
He is happily married. There is nothing wrong to have a crush on someone, but she shouldn't persue it at all.

Fisch · 05-26-2007, 02:03 PM

She is 18, she should pretty much be almost a child to him. If she finds in necessary to profess her "love" to him the only good that can come out of it is him telling her that he has no interest and it is highly inappropriate because he is married, her teacher, and arguably because it is barely legal. I am sure that these things will all fuel the fire of her attraction though, it sounds like she is that kind of person.

My advice to her would be to grow up and seek realistic relationships. Its ok to have a crush, its not ok to start taking actions that can hurt people including yourself (in my opinion)

**avman** · 05-26-2007, 02:04 PM

No, she should not tell him her feelings. It is an impossible situation that can only turn out badly for everyone.

It's one thing to have a crush. Everybody has had those. It's quite another to act on it. And if this guy is as decent as he seems - he'd immediately distance himself from your friend so as to avoid even a hint of something inappropriate going on once your friend revealed her feelings.

flipmo · 05-26-2007, 02:41 PM

Terrible idea. She will regret it hugely even though she doesn't see it that way now. It's hard, I've been there, but she just needs to move on and find someone available.

Tigris · 05-26-2007, 03:14 PM

Kiasuten TELL HER NOT TO DO IT!!!!

I did and all it got me was a lot of grief, humiliation, embarrassment, etc. The Female College Lecturer became frightened and I couldn't return to college the next year to do the next level in Psychology because she was the teacher.

It was all my fault because I thought she looked at me too long in class. A lot longer than she usually did with me or anyone else. She already knew I thought I was bi because I'd written it in my project and she told me I couldn't use personal stuff. She started the next lesson with genda and that's when she seemed to turn around and look directly at me for longer than she should.

Everyone at college thinks she's a lesbian because of the way she looks and dresses! Even my friend who told me NOT to tell her is in her class now and she thinks she's a lesbian too.

Unfortunately I was going through the stages of not knowing who I was anymore. I'd been married for 15 years (2nd marriage) and had very strong feelings for women. She wasn't the first person 'I fell for'.

I've been there 3 times and 2 were straight and the other one (the lecturer)...I'm sure she's in denial or keeping it a close guarded secret.

Tell her once I decided not to make myself look stupid again a wonderful woman came into my life and stole my heart forever!

Ask me questions anytime.

BeStrongBeHappy · 05-26-2007, 03:16 PM

it is a really common event for high school aged people to get crushes on teacher. that in itself should tell her that this thing she feels for him is relatively normal, BUT she should not assume that he returns those feelings or thinks she is special etc. teachers have a professional responsibility to be friendly to all their students, and to NOT pursue romantic liaisons with them. very few do, and those that do usually end up fired and/or in jail. the fact that she is almost 18 doesn't mean she's an adult, or do away with the circumstances here.

this sounds like a crush that has gotten out of hand in her own mind, where she expects that something will come of it. but i think what will happen is she will be hugely embarassed when rejected, and it will be awkward for everyone after the fact. he knows it is career suicide to get involved with a student, so such a confession will most likely result in him avoiding any future contact with her, and perhaps revealing to his own supervisors the situation, that the girl is getting carried away, and he did nothing to encourage it. Most likely, she will be immediately transferred to another class away from him, or out of any kind of contact with him.

she needs to play this out in her mind, looking at the realities, not just her feelings and fantasies. say she does tell him, what are the outcomes? does she really think he is going to confess undying love back, and leave his wife and family for her? does she want to be involved in wrecking someone else's family, get sucked into a divorce, be cast as a villain in breaking up a family.

but since the odds are 99.99999% that he does not reciprocate her feelings, i think that confessing her feelings for him will just mean a huge amount of embarassment, and the inevitable result that she will lose her friendship with him. schools take any form of sexual innuendo very seriously these days, and will immediately separate her from him and that will be that.

i think she just needs a reality check, and needs to spend time working on friendships/relationships with people her own age, who are truly available and not just fantasies.

05-26-2007, 01:53 PM	#1
kiasuten Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: PA Gender: Female Posts: 54	18yoF seeking 28yoM... or 28yo Father? Not sure where to put this, so here it is. My best friend gets crushes on guys all the time. Mostly, the stupid crushes that she gets on classmates last a few months or so and then she's over it, and moves on to the next dude. The only time we (her friends) worry about her is when her crushes last a little too long. She's the dependant type, which could be the absence of her father when she was growing up (she turns 18 in a few months) and, as her friends, we know that we're the only people that she can indefinately depend on. Being the inquisitive type (not to mention needing to feel like I'm doing something important), I question her a lot about what's going on. I care about her well-being, and she knows this, and she doesn't get defensive or mad when I ask her-- we have an understanding that we both just want what's best for each other. Right now, she has a huge crush on a school faculty member. We have all had our share of things for the staff at our high school (I mean, not everyone looks like Mr. Feeny, right?) and she can't stop talking about him. The guy who she is crushing on is the Coordinator of one of the programs we're apart of. He's pretty awesome-- I understand why she's crushing on him. He's attractive, funny, intelligent, and really friendly. Now, the thing is, his friendliness is probably what gets her-- she thinks that his friendliness is directed toward her specifically. I don't know what else to put here, so I'll stick what I feel is important. The guy is 28 years old. He is married, and loves his wife (who works in the same office as he does) and is the adoptive father of her children. My friend is turning 18 in 2 months. I'm not sure why that's relevant, but she insisted I put it here. I believe that my friend looks at this guy as a replacement (sort of) of her father, and she just wants his attention/acceptance/whatever. She doesn't want to break up the marriage, (or even think that she is able to) but she wants to tell this guy that she has some strong feelings for him (even though she's not sure what kind they are). I am advising her not to because that could create some really awkward tension between them, not to mention it could jeopardize the relationship that my friend, the guy, and his wife have with each other. So, I ask, should she talk to him? And if so, what could she say? (Even if you don't think she should talk to him, could you give an example of what you'd advise someone to say? She's stubborn... you know the type). Thanks

05-26-2007, 01:57 PM	#2
tylercdurden2004 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle East Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 3,696	Talk to him about what? To profess her love? To talk about the weather? __________________ "Depend Upon it, Sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully." - Samuel Johnson "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" - Ralph Waldo Emerson Avatar: Whale Skin Hubcaps Dealer. Nice guys: www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=136757&highlight=horsey

05-26-2007, 02:03 PM	#6
Fisch Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Pennsylvania Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 547	She is 18, she should pretty much be almost a child to him. If she finds in necessary to profess her "love" to him the only good that can come out of it is him telling her that he has no interest and it is highly inappropriate because he is married, her teacher, and arguably because it is barely legal. I am sure that these things will all fuel the fire of her attraction though, it sounds like she is that kind of person. My advice to her would be to grow up and seek realistic relationships. Its ok to have a crush, its not ok to start taking actions that can hurt people including yourself (in my opinion) __________________ Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. -Slovenian Proverb If Pam Beesly were real, I would want to date her.

05-26-2007, 02:04 PM	#7
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	No, she should not tell him her feelings. It is an impossible situation that can only turn out badly for everyone. It's one thing to have a crush. Everybody has had those. It's quite another to act on it. And if this guy is as decent as he seems - he'd immediately distance himself from your friend so as to avoid even a hint of something inappropriate going on once your friend revealed her feelings. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

05-26-2007, 03:14 PM	#9
Tigris Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 3,556	Kiasuten TELL HER NOT TO DO IT!!!! I did and all it got me was a lot of grief, humiliation, embarrassment, etc. The Female College Lecturer became frightened and I couldn't return to college the next year to do the next level in Psychology because she was the teacher. It was all my fault because I thought she looked at me too long in class. A lot longer than she usually did with me or anyone else. She already knew I thought I was bi because I'd written it in my project and she told me I couldn't use personal stuff. She started the next lesson with genda and that's when she seemed to turn around and look directly at me for longer than she should. Everyone at college thinks she's a lesbian because of the way she looks and dresses! Even my friend who told me NOT to tell her is in her class now and she thinks she's a lesbian too. Unfortunately I was going through the stages of not knowing who I was anymore. I'd been married for 15 years (2nd marriage) and had very strong feelings for women. She wasn't the first person 'I fell for'. I've been there 3 times and 2 were straight and the other one (the lecturer)...I'm sure she's in denial or keeping it a close guarded secret. Tell her once I decided not to make myself look stupid again a wonderful woman came into my life and stole my heart forever! Ask me questions anytime. Last edited by Tigris; 05-26-2007 at 03:19 PM.

05-26-2007, 02:01 PM	#3
Roasted Carrots Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: United States Gender: Female Posts: 493	I don't think she should talk to him about her feelings. Not only could it cause tension, but legal problems. It doesn't matter that she'll be 18 soon, RIGHT NOW she's a minor. And he can get in serious trouble because he has authority and she's a student - even if she's the one who instigated everything. I think she's attracted to his humor, sucess, and maybe even the danger involved in likeing someone you're not supposed to. I don't know why this crush is different from the rest, but you should try to steer your friend away so she can get over him.

05-26-2007, 02:01 PM	#4
Zackinlaw Offline Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: New Jersey, USA Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,991	It's a land mine!!!! Talk with him about what??? First of all, he's married! Second of all, he's 10 years older than her (a HUGE difference at her age), and third of all, if she tells him about her feelings, it will just make him uncomfortable and FORCE him to be distant because if he says or does anything that could be taken as remotely encouraging of her crush, he puts his job and marriage at risk. I can't give any examples of what to say because I strongly believe that she shouldn't talk to him about her feelings at all ... anything she said would be bad, no matter how she put it. Zack.

05-26-2007, 02:03 PM	#5
Snoopy24 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: New York Gender: Female Posts: 1,622	No she should not talk to him. Not only is he ten years her senior. He works in the school and he'd get fired. So why put him in a situation like that? He is happily married. There is nothing wrong to have a crush on someone, but she shouldn't persue it at all.

05-26-2007, 02:41 PM	#8
flipmo Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 85	Terrible idea. She will regret it hugely even though she doesn't see it that way now. It's hard, I've been there, but she just needs to move on and find someone available.

05-26-2007, 03:16 PM	#10
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,417	it is a really common event for high school aged people to get crushes on teacher. that in itself should tell her that this thing she feels for him is relatively normal, BUT she should not assume that he returns those feelings or thinks she is special etc. teachers have a professional responsibility to be friendly to all their students, and to NOT pursue romantic liaisons with them. very few do, and those that do usually end up fired and/or in jail. the fact that she is almost 18 doesn't mean she's an adult, or do away with the circumstances here. this sounds like a crush that has gotten out of hand in her own mind, where she expects that something will come of it. but i think what will happen is she will be hugely embarassed when rejected, and it will be awkward for everyone after the fact. he knows it is career suicide to get involved with a student, so such a confession will most likely result in him avoiding any future contact with her, and perhaps revealing to his own supervisors the situation, that the girl is getting carried away, and he did nothing to encourage it. Most likely, she will be immediately transferred to another class away from him, or out of any kind of contact with him. she needs to play this out in her mind, looking at the realities, not just her feelings and fantasies. say she does tell him, what are the outcomes? does she really think he is going to confess undying love back, and leave his wife and family for her? does she want to be involved in wrecking someone else's family, get sucked into a divorce, be cast as a villain in breaking up a family. but since the odds are 99.99999% that he does not reciprocate her feelings, i think that confessing her feelings for him will just mean a huge amount of embarassment, and the inevitable result that she will lose her friendship with him. schools take any form of sexual innuendo very seriously these days, and will immediately separate her from him and that will be that. i think she just needs a reality check, and needs to spend time working on friendships/relationships with people her own age, who are truly available and not just fantasies.