Alcoholism and Dating

PrincesaPortuguesa07 · 05-23-2007, 01:03 PM

So here begins my dilemna...
I have been dating this guy for some time now and unfortunantely his mother is an alcoholic. When we first started out, I didn't realize the depth of her addiction and needless to say it's been a downward spiral for some time. I have been witness to several incidents where she needs help getting out of the car and walked to the house. (His parents are divorced!!)
I come from a background where alcoholism and drug abuse were present. My uncle started using drugs at 14 and graduated to alcohol soon after. I spent most of my life watching his addiction get worse and my family suffering for it. Thank God he was able to get help and has been sober for almost 15 years. He's even become a drug counselor and certified Social Worker. It's even gotten to the point where I have gone to him for advice on my boyfriend's situation.
I have read several articles on dating a child of an alcoholic and I have also read several entries from some of you and they have helped me to try and understand what I can and can't do for him. I can't hold his hand and I can't blame him for his attitude sometimes because I know it's not about me or how he feels for me. I care about his mother, she's not a bad person but it has caused me to question my place in his life. I know he cares for me, loves me in the way he can but I know that he is torn between wanting his own life and dealing with her illness.

Scotcha · 05-23-2007, 01:52 PM

I think the most you can do for your boyfriend is be there for him. The only person who can help his mother is herself.

PrincesaPortuguesa07 · 05-23-2007, 03:35 PM

I've been trying to be his friend more than anything. I try to put myself in his position when we go thru these types of things. I can honestly say that it's not always this way but when it is, it's pretty bad! I actually tried giving him his space and suggesting that maybe we should try to spend some time apart so he can breath a bit and not worry about me.. his response? there's no reason for us to be w/o contact, he's not looking to break things off w/me, if I need some space that's okay but we still remain in contact....Sigh!!!

TheFoglifter · 05-23-2007, 03:58 PM

You have the right not to be placed in a situation that you don't want to deal with. When you get into a relationship with someone who has these problems (be they ailments, handicaps, records, or family members) you accept that these things are probably not going to go away, and the longer you stay with the person, the harder it will be to leave.

You can be his support, or you can save yourself. Neither choice is right or wrong. Personally, I'd get out quick.

At the very best, you'll be dealing with him venting all the time about his alcoholic mother, and/or your dates will be broken because "mom needs this" and "mom needs that"

At the worst, he'll become an alcoholic himself, and you'll find yourself uttering phrases like "oh, I ran into a doorknob".

PrincesaPortuguesa07 · 05-23-2007, 04:22 PM

I've thought of that as well... believe me, every scenerio has played out in my head. He's told her several times that she has a severe problem and needs help ASAP!!! Unfortunately, until SHE understands that there's a problem, nothing can change and that's where I am torn. On one hand, I am not married to him nor do we have children together and on the other, I love him and I wouldn't want to walk away either. Eventually, I'll have to make a choice and it won't be easy either way I go....
Thanks for all your responses so far... believe it or not, it's helping me just talk about it w/people I don't know who are on the outside looking in and cna give me an honest answer!!!

PrincesaPortuguesa07 · 05-23-2007, 04:23 PM

"can" give me an honest answer...jeez I can't even spell today!!!!

TheFoglifter · 05-23-2007, 04:26 PM

...:::"Unfortunately, until SHE understands that there's a problem, nothing can change and that's where I am torn.":::...

Yes, this is the stumbling block. Its possible that if she gets the help she needs, the problem will be solved and all will be well, then you will be glad you stayed.

On the other hand, you could wait 5-10 years, and be married with 2 kids, and she is draining your time, energy, and money, and you'll be stuck.

How is her health? Will she pass away soon? If the clock is ticking, then the reaper might solve your problem for you. I assume you've also tried interventions, and all that other stuff that goes with it. I don't expect your bf to write his mother off either.

Just remember, the longer you stay, the harder it'll be to leave.

PrincesaPortuguesa07 · 05-23-2007, 04:29 PM

You actually made me laugh with the reaper comment.... LOL!! But seriously, I know I sound like a bit of a naiive ass, I guess I'm hoping for some miracle.. hopeful no???

TheFoglifter · 05-23-2007, 04:31 PM

When you lose hope, you lose everything. Hope can get you through anything.

Its not unreasonable at all to hope that things will work out. It seems like this woman at least has a supportive family. Nothing you listed is uncommon (her not admitting the problem) and these symptoms are all the reason why AA and other support programs exist, and are successful.

PrincesaPortuguesa07 · 05-25-2007, 09:44 AM

I've been giving much thought to the situation at hand and have come to the sad conclusion that this will probably not work out and it's okay. I have been leaving it alone and letting him deal in his own way, I hope things work out for the best and that the situation will get the attention and help it needs. I've been reading articles and studies about this and needless to say, I can't do anything or help in any way.... The characteristics are him to a T and even if he wanted to give me 100%, it wouldn't work...

05-23-2007, 01:03 PM	#1
PrincesaPortuguesa07 Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 11	Alcoholism and Dating So here begins my dilemna... I have been dating this guy for some time now and unfortunantely his mother is an alcoholic. When we first started out, I didn't realize the depth of her addiction and needless to say it's been a downward spiral for some time. I have been witness to several incidents where she needs help getting out of the car and walked to the house. (His parents are divorced!!) I come from a background where alcoholism and drug abuse were present. My uncle started using drugs at 14 and graduated to alcohol soon after. I spent most of my life watching his addiction get worse and my family suffering for it. Thank God he was able to get help and has been sober for almost 15 years. He's even become a drug counselor and certified Social Worker. It's even gotten to the point where I have gone to him for advice on my boyfriend's situation. I have read several articles on dating a child of an alcoholic and I have also read several entries from some of you and they have helped me to try and understand what I can and can't do for him. I can't hold his hand and I can't blame him for his attitude sometimes because I know it's not about me or how he feels for me. I care about his mother, she's not a bad person but it has caused me to question my place in his life. I know he cares for me, loves me in the way he can but I know that he is torn between wanting his own life and dealing with her illness.

05-23-2007, 01:52 PM	#2
Scotcha Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: New York Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 802	I think the most you can do for your boyfriend is be there for him. The only person who can help his mother is herself.

05-23-2007, 03:35 PM	#3
PrincesaPortuguesa07 Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 11	I've been trying to be his friend more than anything. I try to put myself in his position when we go thru these types of things. I can honestly say that it's not always this way but when it is, it's pretty bad! I actually tried giving him his space and suggesting that maybe we should try to spend some time apart so he can breath a bit and not worry about me.. his response? there's no reason for us to be w/o contact, he's not looking to break things off w/me, if I need some space that's okay but we still remain in contact....Sigh!!!

05-23-2007, 03:58 PM	#4
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	You have the right not to be placed in a situation that you don't want to deal with. When you get into a relationship with someone who has these problems (be they ailments, handicaps, records, or family members) you accept that these things are probably not going to go away, and the longer you stay with the person, the harder it will be to leave. You can be his support, or you can save yourself. Neither choice is right or wrong. Personally, I'd get out quick. At the very best, you'll be dealing with him venting all the time about his alcoholic mother, and/or your dates will be broken because "mom needs this" and "mom needs that" At the worst, he'll become an alcoholic himself, and you'll find yourself uttering phrases like "oh, I ran into a doorknob".

05-23-2007, 04:22 PM	#5
PrincesaPortuguesa07 Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 11	I've thought of that as well... believe me, every scenerio has played out in my head. He's told her several times that she has a severe problem and needs help ASAP!!! Unfortunately, until SHE understands that there's a problem, nothing can change and that's where I am torn. On one hand, I am not married to him nor do we have children together and on the other, I love him and I wouldn't want to walk away either. Eventually, I'll have to make a choice and it won't be easy either way I go.... Thanks for all your responses so far... believe it or not, it's helping me just talk about it w/people I don't know who are on the outside looking in and cna give me an honest answer!!!

05-23-2007, 04:23 PM	#6
PrincesaPortuguesa07 Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 11	"can" give me an honest answer...jeez I can't even spell today!!!!

05-23-2007, 04:26 PM	#7
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	...:::"Unfortunately, until SHE understands that there's a problem, nothing can change and that's where I am torn.":::... Yes, this is the stumbling block. Its possible that if she gets the help she needs, the problem will be solved and all will be well, then you will be glad you stayed. On the other hand, you could wait 5-10 years, and be married with 2 kids, and she is draining your time, energy, and money, and you'll be stuck. How is her health? Will she pass away soon? If the clock is ticking, then the reaper might solve your problem for you. I assume you've also tried interventions, and all that other stuff that goes with it. I don't expect your bf to write his mother off either. Just remember, the longer you stay, the harder it'll be to leave.

05-23-2007, 04:29 PM	#8
PrincesaPortuguesa07 Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 11	You actually made me laugh with the reaper comment.... LOL!! But seriously, I know I sound like a bit of a naiive ass, I guess I'm hoping for some miracle.. hopeful no???

05-23-2007, 04:31 PM	#9
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	When you lose hope, you lose everything. Hope can get you through anything. Its not unreasonable at all to hope that things will work out. It seems like this woman at least has a supportive family. Nothing you listed is uncommon (her not admitting the problem) and these symptoms are all the reason why AA and other support programs exist, and are successful.

05-25-2007, 09:44 AM	#10
PrincesaPortuguesa07 Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 11	I've been giving much thought to the situation at hand and have come to the sad conclusion that this will probably not work out and it's okay. I have been leaving it alone and letting him deal in his own way, I hope things work out for the best and that the situation will get the attention and help it needs. I've been reading articles and studies about this and needless to say, I can't do anything or help in any way.... The characteristics are him to a T and even if he wanted to give me 100%, it wouldn't work...