"Thick Skin"...

Glenn_from_MA · 05-21-2007, 02:43 PM

Hey everyone,

This is my first post here although I have been reading everyone's posts for sometime. This is truly a wonderful site!

Here's my situation:

My girlfriend frequently becomes angry and lashes out at me with terribly demeaning insults and character assassinations. Often this occurs simply when I have tried to discuss issues with our relationship. This seems to make her very defensive.

Today she told me that if I can't take her insults and taunts then I am simply immature and a "big baby". She told me that if I was mature I would have "thick-skin" and be able to take it. Unfortunately I cannot: her words hurt and are driving me away.

What does everyone think? Am I immature? Should I simply try to develop "thick-skin"?

Thanks.

Glenn

Jeffrey2095 · 05-21-2007, 02:49 PM

Hi Glenn, welcome.

I for one wouldn't want a relationship like that.

Uh, I can get abuse anywhere.

Jeff

**BellaDonna** · 05-21-2007, 02:49 PM

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

Quote:

What does everyone think? Am I immature? Should I simply try to develop "thick-skin"?

Absolutely not.

It sounds like you are being mentally abused, and your girlfriend is doing the typical thing that "abusers" do- blaming anyone but herself- blaming "the victim".

In contrast, I think she is very immature for not having the self-control to stop temper tantrums.

You should not tolerate that kind of treatment. No one deserves to be talked to in that manner.

If the roles were reversed and it was a man saying things like that to a woman- would she think that the woman should have "thick skin"? She is being very unfair. Anyone can get hurt emotionally, whether male or female.

In my opinion, you do not need thick skin, rather she needs counseling or to be shown the door.

BellaDonna

ghost69 · 05-21-2007, 02:59 PM

there is a difference between joking with put downs and the constant bashing of someone. i joke with my gf a lot. i don't mean 99% of it. she knows that and can take it. you need to know a limit. if it bothers you so much, explain it to her. usually if it a direct character joke, she is making fun of you for some reason. it's not nice.

Altoona · 05-21-2007, 03:06 PM

Sounds as though she has anger issues.

Life is too short to be abused this way. Get out while the going is good!

TheFoglifter · 05-21-2007, 03:08 PM

I say you should develop thick skin, but not in the way she wants you to.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. She needs to be careful what she wishes for, because she just might get it.

Right now, she gets a nice reaction out of you, but doesn't get jabbed back in return. Insulting her right back won't work because you don't believe it, and she would know you were just trying to give her her own medicine, but that she could outlast you.

But if she is not careful, one day, you'll toss her out like sour milk; without an ounce of regret.

So the trick is to pay it no mind whatsoever, and deny her the reaction that is feeding the behavior. Deny her the opportunity to insult you. Walk away calmly, saying something like "when you want to be rational, come find me" and go watch TV. She'll chase you and try to rile you up -- deny her.

If she is just looking for a power struggle, and wants to fight in order to feel good about herself, then to hell with her -- you don't need that kind of crap in your life.

Jeffrey2095 · 05-21-2007, 03:32 PM

Belladonna

Quote:

It sounds like you are being mentally abused, and your girlfriend is doing the typical thing that "abusers" do- blaming anyone but herself- blaming "the victim".

This is pretty common, making you feel like you are "oversensitive" maybe.

You're not the one with the problem.

Also, I think the advice has been pretty good in total Glenn.

Personally, I think she has low self esteem issues, (along with anger) and is compensating by dishing out abuse...

Jeff

WhiteForest · 05-21-2007, 09:53 PM

She either needs to get counseling now and stop this or you need to walk away.

Glenn_from_MA · 05-22-2007, 02:00 PM

Thanks for everyone's responses. Her taunts and insults got too much for me and I have left the relationship. I can't say I handled it very well - I was finally very angry. Her emails to me over the past couple days have been brutal. I tried sending her a heartfelt apology to bring us closure and she unleashed on me with the most brutal things.

Such is life! I have learned a lot from this relationship which is the good thing.

Glenn

ghost69 · 05-22-2007, 03:10 PM

good job man. let her beat on someone else. maybe she will find another that dishes it out like her and they will hit it off.

05-21-2007, 02:43 PM	#1
Glenn_from_MA Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 31	"Thick Skin"... Hey everyone, This is my first post here although I have been reading everyone's posts for sometime. This is truly a wonderful site! Here's my situation: My girlfriend frequently becomes angry and lashes out at me with terribly demeaning insults and character assassinations. Often this occurs simply when I have tried to discuss issues with our relationship. This seems to make her very defensive. Today she told me that if I can't take her insults and taunts then I am simply immature and a "big baby". She told me that if I was mature I would have "thick-skin" and be able to take it. Unfortunately I cannot: her words hurt and are driving me away. What does everyone think? Am I immature? Should I simply try to develop "thick-skin"? Thanks. Glenn

05-21-2007, 02:59 PM	#4
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,424	there is a difference between joking with put downs and the constant bashing of someone. i joke with my gf a lot. i don't mean 99% of it. she knows that and can take it. you need to know a limit. if it bothers you so much, explain it to her. usually if it a direct character joke, she is making fun of you for some reason. it's not nice. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

05-22-2007, 02:00 PM	#9
Glenn_from_MA Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 31	I left Thanks for everyone's responses. Her taunts and insults got too much for me and I have left the relationship. I can't say I handled it very well - I was finally very angry. Her emails to me over the past couple days have been brutal. I tried sending her a heartfelt apology to bring us closure and she unleashed on me with the most brutal things. Such is life! I have learned a lot from this relationship which is the good thing. Glenn

05-22-2007, 03:10 PM	#10
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,424	good job man. let her beat on someone else. maybe she will find another that dishes it out like her and they will hit it off. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

05-21-2007, 02:49 PM	#2
Jeffrey2095 Offline Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 783	Hi Glenn, welcome. I for one wouldn't want a relationship like that. Uh, I can get abuse anywhere. Jeff

05-21-2007, 03:06 PM	#5
Altoona Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: East USA Gender: Female Posts: 99	Sounds as though she has anger issues. Life is too short to be abused this way. Get out while the going is good!

05-21-2007, 03:08 PM	#6
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	I say you should develop thick skin, but not in the way she wants you to. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. She needs to be careful what she wishes for, because she just might get it. Right now, she gets a nice reaction out of you, but doesn't get jabbed back in return. Insulting her right back won't work because you don't believe it, and she would know you were just trying to give her her own medicine, but that she could outlast you. But if she is not careful, one day, you'll toss her out like sour milk; without an ounce of regret. So the trick is to pay it no mind whatsoever, and deny her the reaction that is feeding the behavior. Deny her the opportunity to insult you. Walk away calmly, saying something like "when you want to be rational, come find me" and go watch TV. She'll chase you and try to rile you up -- deny her. If she is just looking for a power struggle, and wants to fight in order to feel good about herself, then to hell with her -- you don't need that kind of crap in your life.

05-21-2007, 09:53 PM	#8
WhiteForest Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In a Hollow Tree Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 372	She either needs to get counseling now and stop this or you need to walk away.