Why Won't She Tell Me She Doesn't Love Me?

[Antistar]

She finally used the words "I honestly think we should start dating other people". Just prior to telling me about how incredibly busy and uncertain about things she is, which would seem to preclude dating other people.

I'm slowly getting better. I am. But I still need to have some kind of closure.

I've asked EXPLICITLY for her to tell me she doesn't love me. I've nearly begged. That's all I need to hear. If she doesn't have feelings for me, I can move on and get over things relatively quickly. But she won't do it.

And it still tears me up inside. She knows it, too.

Why won't she just tell me that?

[melrich]

What are you going to do if she tells you she doesn't love you? Why do you need to hear those words?

Look to her behaviour...not her words.

[friscodj]

Look to her behaviour...not her words.

And re-read what you wrote. She is telling you she doesn't love you anymore. Would you tell someone you loved to go out, date, and find someone else to love, while I do the same?

I'm sorry man, I know you are hurting but you have all the closure you need here. You just need to believe and accept it.

We'll be here my friend and you'll be just fine. Someday (hopefully sooner than later), you will look back on this and see that it served the purpose to free you to find a true and lasting love with someone else.

Why won't she tell you? In light of your begging, she probably is trying to spare your feelings, afraid it will completely devastate you or urge you into fighting to get her feelings back, a fight she wishes to avoid. And perhaps the begging as a sign of your emotional state is intimidating her a bit.

She may also be in denial, not wanting to hear those words herself, maybe giving herself some insurance "in case" her feelings change or (quite common) the grief sinks in and she needs some comfort in someone she "loves", at least in her mind.

Or she may still "love" you but is not "in love" with, i.e., loves you as a friend, in which case she feels saying what you want to hear would be inaccurate.

There a ton of reasons but none matter. All that matters is the truth here that her feelings do not match yours and you are best to step away to recollect and rebuild your emotional stature.

[RebeccaChow]

Well, maybe she does love you but think that you guys are incompatible?

Action speaks louder than words, that's what I always believe. I rather someone SHOW me he loves me than just keeps telling me. Since she has already shown you enough to let you feel that she don't love you, just move on dude.

Hugs.

[kaoticbaby]

i think she wont tell you she doesnt love you because she knows hearing those words will help you "move on." she probably wants to see other people, but doesnt want you to move on from her completely.

[friscodj]

i think she wont tell you she doesnt love you because she knows hearing those words will help you "move on." she probably wants to see other people, but doesnt want you to move on from her completely.

Absolutely.

[Antistar]

Well, I got an answer.

She said she does, and that she's known for a while. And that she's still confused, due to everything else.

Didn't help much.

I'm hoping for an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" sort of thing, I really am.

[friscodj]

Hey Antistar-

That is the expected response...a "non" answer. Classic...

A few years ago, I would have waited on this and continued to give the situation my time, energy, and patience.

Knowing what I know now based on multiple experiences with things like this, as far as I'm concerned, there are 3 possible answers to your question here: 1) Yes, I love you, 2) No, I don't love you, or 3) I don't know/I'm confused/Yes but No/Yes but I don't know/No but maybe/No but Yes, etc.

So in my mind, anything but a "Yes" is equal to a "No". If someone has to think if they love and want to be with you, they don't. If someone is confused about what to do or what they want, whatever love they have is not strong or deep enough to provide them sure direction and to me, it is not worth continuing to beat yourself up over.

Getting caught up in the confusion of someone you love in regards to reciprocation of your love is a classic trap. Someone has to step up and take the situation by the reigns. Why let a confused person do this? Step up, tell her straight how you feel, what you want, what you can deal with and what you can't. If you get anything less than "Yes, I love you and I want to work through this together"...buh bye...

The confusion needs to stop before you get caught up in it, get more confused yourself, and only add to the confusion. This is a one-shot deal yo, the time has come for a hard boundary condition...she is either "in" or "out"...and you make that decision if she can't...