Seriously, some parents/daughter relationships are as full of crap as a bad marriage!

Hazelnut56 · 04-27-2007, 10:03 PM

Why keep on taking it?

So, I never had a close relationship with my parents. I don´t even intend to have one. They´re honestly so immature and so full of crap. Not everyone is lucky in the parents department I guess. Fine, noone said life was fair.

What really grinds my gears is all this social conditioning of feeling guilty and bad about yourself because you don´t have a terrific relationship with them, and you don´t feel like struggling to have it.

I don´t care anymore, I´m supporting myself, I´m taking my own life in my hands and I just want them out of my face.

My father is a control freak. He snapped when I moved out, and kept calling to check on me, ask me all sorts of questions, because he is "so worried", he thinks I´m living in a dump full of crackwhores. I´m renting a freaking dorm room with other girls that are young students, what´s the biggie. The biggie is that I´m out of his control I suppose.

He doesn´t have a life or something, so he is so concerned about controlling someone else's. He cannot keep acting like when I was an 8 year old and going out for dinner and window shop was a fantastic trip, but he does!!! Is all we do when we see each other, and I don´t even have to say anything to him anymore.

He feels he is Mr.Dad of the Year because we go out a couple of times a month, eat fast food and chit chat about mindless crap. The only time when he gets serious is when he has some kind of complaint because I´m not acting in the way he expects me to.

I feel he doesn´t respect me. He cannot see me as another adult with a life and decisions to make. Seeing me as a stupid naive little girl is not protective and loving, is plain annoying and not respectful at all. And that´s obviously the way he sees me.

If I don´t feel like answering the cellphone in the minute he is calling, is the end of the world. He gets worried to death, because something really bad might be happening. It´s ridiculous.

Saddly, accepting his money and help, means I have to answer all sorts of questions and follow his suggestions, and tell him about every move I make, and hope he claps instead of frowning. Is a really high price to pay.

I want to live my life in my own terms.

I used to think parental support and care was (or should be) unconditional, but he just told me "If you don´t want me to worry about you, fine, but I won´t worry AT ALL"

Meaning he is gonna cut the finantial help.

Tough crap.

Sounds like the ultimate way of controlling me, uh? Sounds to me like, surrender and go my way, or you´re gonna die because I´m cutting the resources. Gosh, that´s Fidel Castro talking.

I don´t see what´s so hard in realizing that the babies you have turn into adults with a mind of its own. That they actually can be strong, smart, mature, confident and tough, and that they can survive in the world, even without your help

Is it so hard to admit that and RESPECT IT?

HyruleGuardian · 04-27-2007, 10:11 PM

Wow, sounds so much like my dad. I'm 19 now and my dad gets pissed off if I'm out too late and I don't give him a call. Or if I talk to someone on the phone he wants to know who it is and everything I said. He even routinely checks my myspace and questions me about what I put on there! Just stupid stuff like that. Then if I don't answer, he yells at me and says I don't respect him. It's so annoying.

But I do still live with my parents so it's a little bit understandable I guess. You don't. Seriously, just make it clear to him that you are an adult now and you can take care of yourself. You don't need his help anymore. It may hurt him, but you need to live your life for YOURSELF now.

CarnelianButterfly · 04-27-2007, 10:34 PM

My Dad promised me he'd pay for my schooling till my MS was done. Yeah, I'm on a student loan now. My Mom still helps me because she has kept a separate bank account, but I only need advances and not gifts. She doesn't have much either. My Dad will spend thousands of dollars on crap, he buys DVD's over and over again, I don't know how many copies we have of the Lord of the Rings. If some new electronic gismo comes out, he's got it in 2 colors. My Mom buys a pair of pants for work and he flips out. My Mom even had to buy our barn with money from her aunt because my Dad didn't see why we needed a barn, now its his barn so he's going to put all his stuff in there.

I am glad I'm not under his thumb because he's a frickin 2 year old going GIMME GIMME GIMME. Its all about him.

Try your hardest to cut ties, I did and I have relieved so much stress in my life. I have little to no contact with him any more and it is so much of a burden off me.

Hazelnut56 · 04-27-2007, 11:40 PM

Hey guys, thank you so much for your replies, I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to go thru all my crap, I was SO crossed since I had just finished talking to him.

Quote:

You don't. Seriously, just make it clear to him that you are an adult now and you can take care of yourself. You don't need his help anymore. It may hurt him, but you need to live your life for YOURSELF now.

HG,

Yeah, that´s so true. He is probably pouting right now because Miss 8 Year Old doesn´t want to go shopping and chitchatting again... He will never see me as responsible adult with a mind of her own that can make decisions and solve her life, but that´s his problem and is not my job to fix it.

CB,

It is absurd when the parents act like babies. I think both of my parents are like that. I´m sorry, but I can´t respect that. It seems like it´s all about them and the tantrums they throw because I´m not reacting the way they want me to. Just out of curiosity, what did you do? Did you move out?

CarnelianButterfly · 04-27-2007, 11:57 PM

I moved out, got a student loan and have been working as a grader at the school I go to. I'm probably going to need to take out another loan.

I was so sick of my Dad's controlling bs that I have been making sure he's got nothing to say about my life.

I had dealt with enough of his broken promises and ego centric attitude. Its not like I was going to school to party, I was Dean's List and am doing research in a very hard field. But he feels the need to use his money on 3 ipods or 2 new printers, a new this and that, and he pours money out on my brother (who almost didn't get an HS diploma and is currently in a pending trial for his 2nd DUI).

My uni is in the same state as my parents (why pay out of state when there's a top 5 school in my backyard). When I get a real job it will take me out of this state and then I will be happy to ask my Mom to visit, alone.

Hazelnut56 · 04-28-2007, 12:49 AM

We´re not gonna take it,

No! We ain´t gonna take it,

We´re not gonna take it, anymore...

.....................................

Glad to hear that CB

shes2smart · 04-28-2007, 12:52 AM

Some thoughts from someone who did what you are considering.....

I haven't spoken to my parents in, oh, 8 or 10 years now.

Capping off a lifetime (well, my lifetime) of weird, disrespectful and bordering-on-verbally-and-emotionally-abusive behavior with an incident that required me to explain to a nice police officer that I was nowhere near their home when it was broken into...well, after that, I decided I'd had enough and "broke up" with them.

It was amazing how the stress level in my life took a nosedive from that point forward. Funny how removing a constant of source of negativity will do that for a person. I don't have interest in rebuilding that relationship. I don't believe there is anything good that can come of it and I am better off without them in my life.

Guilt? Nope. Others are free to have their opinions, but I'm the only one who gets a vote on who is allowed into my life and who isn't.

I sleep just fine at night, thanks. If I had it to do over again, I would've done it much sooner.

Siriana · 04-28-2007, 03:24 AM

Well be smart.
Let him call as much as he want - you're away from him...but once in a while do not pick up the phone immediately.
Call him after 10 minutes.
If he asks where have you been invent something like washing my hair, studying so you had mobile on silent mode, on a class...etc.
Be persistant in that until he accept that you can't always pick up the phone.
It will take a looooong time - I used that trick on my super control freak mother.

Put up with his crap since he's paying for your school. Later do with your life whatever you want - take a job on the other side of the country.
Finally you are going to repay him that college by paying nursing home when he gets really, really old.

Hazelnut56 · 04-28-2007, 05:26 PM

Syrix,

Thanks. You mixed up stories though...

Carnelian´s Dad is the one that forgot to pay for her education.

Mine is just a control freak. I finished college, no debts, haven´t asked him for anything since I moved out.

He keeps trying to find a way of controlling me though, in this new situation. He calls, and if I don´t feel like answering he tells me he is worried to death. I don´t feel like seeing him, and he threatens with cutting the finantial help.

Before all that, he kept on asking if I needed to store some of my stuff in his house. I understand now that is just an excuse of seeing exactly where I´m living (I haven´t invited him to my dorm room), see the stuff I brought with me, ask about all the stuff he gave in the past -that is gone now- (TV, stereo, PC - I sold it, eff it), to question me about every little thing around.

Hell, I already told him how much is the rent, the internet, the freaking laundry... and he keeps saying that "we need to sit and talk" LOL What else does he need to know? I´m not gonna let him continue digging. Apparently information is power and he knows that very well.

He is buying his chance to question me and control me by putting some money in my bank account. That´s not help, thats manipulation. Sad. Very sad.

But yeah, you are right about not jumping and answering the phone when he is calling. He can get used to the idea that I´m not here just to take all his calls and keep him "tranquile", or walk away. Not my problem. I will survive.

Hazelnut56 · 04-28-2007, 05:41 PM

S2S,

Thanks for your words. That´s exactly how I feel and what I´m struggling with.

I´ve felt since a very young age that they were no good. I used to see people around praising their relationship with their families, parents specially, on how important it was, and how unthinkable it would be to cut all ties, because "Awww, they are your parents! The bond will always be there! You´re insane, you HAVE to make it work!"

That´s why I compared it to a bad marriage. If the person you married is not good for you, you get a divorce, walk away, and look for something better. Or nothing at all. So why not following the same proccedure with the parents? The fact that they "created" you does not change the fact that they might be bad for you, and a burden.

I´ve never seen the point of continue dragging that burden just because the social conditioning says that you owe your parents a lifetime of gratitude and blind respect, even if they are toxic and a heartache.

Yes, you decide who is allowed into your life and who is not. Great way to put it.

04-27-2007, 10:03 PM	#1
Hazelnut56 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 164	Seriously, some parents/daughter relationships are as full of crap as a bad marriage! Why keep on taking it? So, I never had a close relationship with my parents. I don´t even intend to have one. They´re honestly so immature and so full of crap. Not everyone is lucky in the parents department I guess. Fine, noone said life was fair. What really grinds my gears is all this social conditioning of feeling guilty and bad about yourself because you don´t have a terrific relationship with them, and you don´t feel like struggling to have it. I don´t care anymore, I´m supporting myself, I´m taking my own life in my hands and I just want them out of my face. My father is a control freak. He snapped when I moved out, and kept calling to check on me, ask me all sorts of questions, because he is "so worried", he thinks I´m living in a dump full of crackwhores. I´m renting a freaking dorm room with other girls that are young students, what´s the biggie. The biggie is that I´m out of his control I suppose. He doesn´t have a life or something, so he is so concerned about controlling someone else's. He cannot keep acting like when I was an 8 year old and going out for dinner and window shop was a fantastic trip, but he does!!! Is all we do when we see each other, and I don´t even have to say anything to him anymore. He feels he is Mr.Dad of the Year because we go out a couple of times a month, eat fast food and chit chat about mindless crap. The only time when he gets serious is when he has some kind of complaint because I´m not acting in the way he expects me to. I feel he doesn´t respect me. He cannot see me as another adult with a life and decisions to make. Seeing me as a stupid naive little girl is not protective and loving, is plain annoying and not respectful at all. And that´s obviously the way he sees me. If I don´t feel like answering the cellphone in the minute he is calling, is the end of the world. He gets worried to death, because something really bad might be happening. It´s ridiculous. Saddly, accepting his money and help, means I have to answer all sorts of questions and follow his suggestions, and tell him about every move I make, and hope he claps instead of frowning. Is a really high price to pay. I want to live my life in my own terms. I used to think parental support and care was (or should be) unconditional, but he just told me "If you don´t want me to worry about you, fine, but I won´t worry AT ALL" Meaning he is gonna cut the finantial help. Tough crap. Sounds like the ultimate way of controlling me, uh? Sounds to me like, surrender and go my way, or you´re gonna die because I´m cutting the resources. Gosh, that´s Fidel Castro talking. I don´t see what´s so hard in realizing that the babies you have turn into adults with a mind of its own. That they actually can be strong, smart, mature, confident and tough, and that they can survive in the world, even without your help Is it so hard to admit that and RESPECT IT?

04-28-2007, 12:52 AM	#7
shes2smart Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: same world, different server Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 5,139	Some thoughts from someone who did what you are considering..... I haven't spoken to my parents in, oh, 8 or 10 years now. Capping off a lifetime (well, my lifetime) of weird, disrespectful and bordering-on-verbally-and-emotionally-abusive behavior with an incident that required me to explain to a nice police officer that I was nowhere near their home when it was broken into...well, after that, I decided I'd had enough and "broke up" with them. It was amazing how the stress level in my life took a nosedive from that point forward. Funny how removing a constant of source of negativity will do that for a person. I don't have interest in rebuilding that relationship. I don't believe there is anything good that can come of it and I am better off without them in my life. Guilt? Nope. Others are free to have their opinions, but I'm the only one who gets a vote on who is allowed into my life and who isn't. I sleep just fine at night, thanks. If I had it to do over again, I would've done it much sooner. __________________ "But there's no use crying over every mistake You just keep on trying til you run out of cake"

04-28-2007, 03:24 AM	#8
Siriana Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Europe Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 3,769	Well be smart. Let him call as much as he want - you're away from him...but once in a while do not pick up the phone immediately. Call him after 10 minutes. If he asks where have you been invent something like washing my hair, studying so you had mobile on silent mode, on a class...etc. Be persistant in that until he accept that you can't always pick up the phone. It will take a looooong time - I used that trick on my super control freak mother. Put up with his crap since he's paying for your school. Later do with your life whatever you want - take a job on the other side of the country. Finally you are going to repay him that college by paying nursing home when he gets really, really old. __________________ Quid pro quo "Don't have any children or get married until you can support and love yourself first."

04-28-2007, 05:26 PM	#9
Hazelnut56 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 164	Syrix, Thanks. You mixed up stories though... Carnelian´s Dad is the one that forgot to pay for her education. Mine is just a control freak. I finished college, no debts, haven´t asked him for anything since I moved out. He keeps trying to find a way of controlling me though, in this new situation. He calls, and if I don´t feel like answering he tells me he is worried to death. I don´t feel like seeing him, and he threatens with cutting the finantial help. Before all that, he kept on asking if I needed to store some of my stuff in his house. I understand now that is just an excuse of seeing exactly where I´m living (I haven´t invited him to my dorm room), see the stuff I brought with me, ask about all the stuff he gave in the past -that is gone now- (TV, stereo, PC - I sold it, eff it), to question me about every little thing around. Hell, I already told him how much is the rent, the internet, the freaking laundry... and he keeps saying that "we need to sit and talk" LOL What else does he need to know? I´m not gonna let him continue digging. Apparently information is power and he knows that very well. He is buying his chance to question me and control me by putting some money in my bank account. That´s not help, thats manipulation. Sad. Very sad. But yeah, you are right about not jumping and answering the phone when he is calling. He can get used to the idea that I´m not here just to take all his calls and keep him "tranquile", or walk away. Not my problem. I will survive. Last edited by Hazelnut56; 04-28-2007 at 05:31 PM.

04-27-2007, 10:11 PM	#2
HyruleGuardian Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 567	Wow, sounds so much like my dad. I'm 19 now and my dad gets pissed off if I'm out too late and I don't give him a call. Or if I talk to someone on the phone he wants to know who it is and everything I said. He even routinely checks my myspace and questions me about what I put on there! Just stupid stuff like that. Then if I don't answer, he yells at me and says I don't respect him. It's so annoying. But I do still live with my parents so it's a little bit understandable I guess. You don't. Seriously, just make it clear to him that you are an adult now and you can take care of yourself. You don't need his help anymore. It may hurt him, but you need to live your life for YOURSELF now.

04-27-2007, 10:34 PM	#3
CarnelianButterfly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Too far from home Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 4,473	My Dad promised me he'd pay for my schooling till my MS was done. Yeah, I'm on a student loan now. My Mom still helps me because she has kept a separate bank account, but I only need advances and not gifts. She doesn't have much either. My Dad will spend thousands of dollars on crap, he buys DVD's over and over again, I don't know how many copies we have of the Lord of the Rings. If some new electronic gismo comes out, he's got it in 2 colors. My Mom buys a pair of pants for work and he flips out. My Mom even had to buy our barn with money from her aunt because my Dad didn't see why we needed a barn, now its his barn so he's going to put all his stuff in there. I am glad I'm not under his thumb because he's a frickin 2 year old going GIMME GIMME GIMME. Its all about him. Try your hardest to cut ties, I did and I have relieved so much stress in my life. I have little to no contact with him any more and it is so much of a burden off me.

04-27-2007, 11:57 PM	#5
CarnelianButterfly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Too far from home Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 4,473	I moved out, got a student loan and have been working as a grader at the school I go to. I'm probably going to need to take out another loan. I was so sick of my Dad's controlling bs that I have been making sure he's got nothing to say about my life. I had dealt with enough of his broken promises and ego centric attitude. Its not like I was going to school to party, I was Dean's List and am doing research in a very hard field. But he feels the need to use his money on 3 ipods or 2 new printers, a new this and that, and he pours money out on my brother (who almost didn't get an HS diploma and is currently in a pending trial for his 2nd DUI). My uni is in the same state as my parents (why pay out of state when there's a top 5 school in my backyard). When I get a real job it will take me out of this state and then I will be happy to ask my Mom to visit, alone.

04-28-2007, 12:49 AM	#6
Hazelnut56 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 164	We´re not gonna take it, No! We ain´t gonna take it, We´re not gonna take it, anymore... ..................................... Glad to hear that CB

04-28-2007, 05:41 PM	#10
Hazelnut56 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 164	S2S, Thanks for your words. That´s exactly how I feel and what I´m struggling with. I´ve felt since a very young age that they were no good. I used to see people around praising their relationship with their families, parents specially, on how important it was, and how unthinkable it would be to cut all ties, because "Awww, they are your parents! The bond will always be there! You´re insane, you HAVE to make it work!" That´s why I compared it to a bad marriage. If the person you married is not good for you, you get a divorce, walk away, and look for something better. Or nothing at all. So why not following the same proccedure with the parents? The fact that they "created" you does not change the fact that they might be bad for you, and a burden. I´ve never seen the point of continue dragging that burden just because the social conditioning says that you owe your parents a lifetime of gratitude and blind respect, even if they are toxic and a heartache. Yes, you decide who is allowed into your life and who is not. Great way to put it.