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Thread: My Girlfriend Wont Touch Me

  1. #1
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    My Girlfriend Wont Touch Me

    I am 22 years old and i have been recently seeing a girl who was my best friend for the last 2 years, we have been friends though for 8 years. The problem is that besides making out with me from time to time she wont do anything else with me at all. I am trying to be patient about the whole situation ( I came into the relationship knowing that it takes her along time to be comfortable with people sexually) but after three months I feel like I'm going to explode. I have always been a pretty sexual person, and I have always had my sexual needs met by the people I have either dated or hooked up with, but they have never met cerebral or emotional needs. With this girl originally those my emotional and cerebral need were being met, and I was willing to understand, joke about, and go through the slow process of being sexually satisfied with her. It just seems now though that the process is completely going backward, she does less now than when we started. I really love her, but I am starting to become really passive aggressive and moody. I have never been an insecure person in fact I was completely the opposite, but this is really doing a number on me. I bartend and I am complete surrounded by tons of girls who I could easily have sex with, but I don't want any of them, just her, but it seems that she just uses me as a support system for herself. I don't want to come off as a jerk pressuring her to be more physical with me, but at the same time I dont know if I can take this much longer. Sometimes I find myself really depressed because of the situation or very really angry, I keep all of it in because i don't want her to feel pressured.
    Bottling this in though sometimes makes me so frustrated though that I just need to get away and leave sometimes. We sleep in the same bed a lot of nights and I am so tired of her moving my hands away from anywhere that i touch her that I spend most of the night curled up in the fetal position facing the wall so I can stop thinking about it. I have recently turned to bitting myself really hard so that way the pain of that takes away from the insane amounts of sexual frustration and anxiety I feel. She tells me that she finds me very attractive, and from time to time she is somewhat aggressive with me but its always at times when i can't take advantage of the oppertunity. I.E. when I am working or 10 minutes before I have to leave to go somewhere, and then jokes with me about how I should have taken advantage of the situation. The worst part is, is that my sexual frustration is affecting me so much that I am also losing my ability to enjoy all the good stuff about our relationship. Some body please help me Im actually going insane I dont want to cheat at all. I just am so confused, angry, upset, and overwhelmed.

  2. #2
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    Is there a reason she takes a long time to be comfortable? like did something happen in her past that made her wary of guys?

    When someone isn't satisfying you sexually, take matters into your own hand and jerk off while waiting for her to be ready. If you feel the need to cheat, then you probably shouldn't be in the relationship to begin with.

    I know it's hard to wait sometimes, but sometimes good things come to those who wait.

    Maybe you should talk to her about what's going on. How you love her so much that you want to express your love in a physical way, you want to maker her feel good, you want to show her how sexual things can feel good. Some girls just aren't really interested in that stuff all that much.

    Whatever happens, good luck!

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Lovestragedies's Avatar
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    It really isn't healthy to be putting so much emphasis on the sexual aspect of a relationship. If you care about her enough to be with her for other reasons than that, you need to be willing to allow her time to become comfortable with you in that area. Of course she's going to shy away from you if you begin to grow frustrated with her, and that's definitely going to cause her to take longer to be ready. If you can focus on the other aspects and allow her to know she can take her time, the sooner it will be for her to be comfortable with you. That's something you and your mind have to deal with, not something requiring a specific remedy.
    “There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.” -Arnold Bennett

    “I find it quite funny that we all feel the need to jump the gun on people's mistakes, yet if they were as perfect as we want them to be, we'd hate them simply for being better than us.”

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    Everything else in our relationship seems to be fine. its not the sexual that concerns me so much its the physical. I would be quite content kissing her and holding her. Its that she has backed away from that whole aspect completely.
    Its very odd to me. The other thing is I guess that for the first time I feel insecure about myself in a relationship. What I want is a balance of sexual, physical, and cerebral, and this isn't it. I want my partner to desire me, and not make me feel like Im lucky just to be able to touch her even in a very non sexual manner.

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  6. #5
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    Maybe something else is wrong, maybe she's stressed about school, family, life. Try talking to her about things, not sexual things. Just about life in general, how things are going with her life, with her family. If she's stressed about anything, worried about things. Maybe something happened to her when she was younger that is causing her to pull away.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Lovestragedies's Avatar
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    Maybe she's backing away because she feels you're pressuring her.
    “There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.” -Arnold Bennett

    “I find it quite funny that we all feel the need to jump the gun on people's mistakes, yet if they were as perfect as we want them to be, we'd hate them simply for being better than us.”

  8. #7
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
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    this is a case where you need to TALK to her about this very openly... tell her everything you told us, and ask her why she is not interested in a physical connection, when she might want it, any issues that are keeping her from wanting to be physical with you??

    saying she finds you 'attractive' but not explaining why she is not interested is not a sufficient response. little girls find barbie dolls attractive, that kind of response sounds like game playing or like she is really naive, if she can't talk about why she doesn't want to hold hands, kiss, etc.

    otherwise you are stuck in a cycle of approaching her and being rejected, and are getting no closer to understanding what is going on or solving the problem.

    is she is someone who wants to wait until marriage, do you want to wait? or was she sexually abused, and do you want to help her work through that? if she was abused, then she needs treatment. just 'waiting' won't solve your problem unless you know what you are waiting for, why, how long etc.

    if she is someone who is totally not interested in physical aspects of a relationship and you are very interested in that, then it is better to know that sooner rather than continuing to be frustrated and 'waiting.' there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner you can be close to and have sex with, in fact, that is ultimately why we have partners. it may just be a question of her wanting to know you better, or maybe she is committed to virginity til marriage. but either way, you need to know, so you can decide whether you are compatible or not when it comes to dating...

  9. #8
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    ...:::"but its always at times when i can't take advantage of the oppertunity. I.E. when I am working or 10 minutes before I have to leave to go somewhere, and then jokes with me about how I should have taken advantage of the situation":::...

    I really empathize with you. I had a gf who was so sexually wild at first, and now its really something I have to beg or bargain for.

    As far as the above, when she presents you with an opportunity, YOU TAKE IT! There is almost NO APPOINTMENT that it is more important, and I bet its a LOT easier to get forgiven for being late than it is to get sex from your supposed girlfriend. She is being MALICIOUS, trying to hurt you.

    She is offering you the opportunities she knows you can't take because she feels guilty about starving you. She knows DAMN well what time you have to leave for work, but she wants to be able to say "well I OFFERED it to you and YOU turned me down, so its not my fault". Don't let her do that.

    You also said: "I came into the relationship knowing that it takes her along time to be comfortable with people sexually"

    This suggests to me that she HAS had sexual relationships in the past (if you were friends for so long, I'm sure you know). So WHY does every OTHER guy get the benefit, and you get strung along? While its nice to respect her feelings, I believe there is a statute of limitations on how long "I don't feel comfortable" can be used as an excuse. I'll bet she feels totally comfortable when you are picking up the tab for dinners out, or you are buying her presents.

    I would suggest you make a mental deadline for yourself, and when it gets close, tell her that you feel you have been patient long enough, and that you are just not getting what you want out of this relationship. You will NOT be surrounded by willing hotties forever, and if you keep yourself chained to a dry well when there is a raging river nearby, one day you are going to wake up very thirsty.

  10. #9
    TheFoglifter's Avatar
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    ...:::"Maybe she's backing away because she feels you're pressuring her.":::...

    What in the high holy hell does she EXPECT?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! This line angers me to no end, because its a ridiculous cop-out.

    Suppose your dog was hungry, and was bugging you to feed him. Tell your dog he is pressuring you, and that eventually he'll get used to not being fed. Yeah... Fido will be dead.

    It needs to be understood that denying someone something they want is NOT going to make them want it less. It is going to lead to a bitter and resentful downward spiral. If you cannot reach an acceptable compromise, then you should just dump her and move on. This problem seldom improves, and will eventually lead you to leave or cheat.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ghost69's Avatar
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    if i wasn't getting sex, i'd be out. plain and simple. i don't care who says, "if you care, it wouldn't bother you" ..... pfffft, bs. sex is a part of any relationship. i don't care who you are. otherwise, you have a buddy.
    Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too.
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