what do you think??

aster158 · 04-20-2007, 06:08 PM

i am 32 years old and all of my life i have had memories or clips of time that arent complete. smells, sights, mostly feelings of pressure on my chest, like a weight is on it, i remember a closet with my older brother with me in it being naked and knowing i was going to be past to a friend of his and i remember having sex with this "friend". i was about 4 they were about 11 maybe 12. this same brother later on was found to have been abusing my younger cousin when she was about 4 or 5 years old. when the family found out it was told to everyone that "boys will be boys". by our mother and the topic was dead. no i have never told anyone who or what happend matter of fact this is the first time ever to have describe any of this. I have told a few selective bf that i have had been raped but never more than that.

now fast foward to about 25, i had only been with 2 people and was very innocent,and i mean VERY INNOCENT. a friend of the family you could say someone i knew exposed then forceably touched and hurt me he called later that day and said sorry i told him never ever to call me again. he didnt.

now fast foward to about 30, i had been with this man on and off for about 3 years. i was in a point in my life where i was very extremly depressed you know the kind couldnt get out of bed didnt eat or sleep just stayed in bed and breathed that was it. now this friend of mine called me and asked me to come over and watch a movie, i was ready to get happy and get back to being around people i went to his house. it took me over 3 hours to get out of bed take a shower and drive 5 miles. i was very depressed. anyway i went over and he wanted to mess around and i told him no not that day, i didnt have anything in me to fight much harder than to ask him not to do anything i just couldnt, wasnt in my right mind and just couldnt have sex that day give me time and i will. that is what i told him. i dont rmember the movie just that i wanted to go back home to my bed. then i remember getting dressed and driving home. i dont remember ever changing my mind, or saying no during the sex act, just laying there wishing it wasnt going on. and getting dressed and leaving as fast as i could.

so this is the question i have fought with most of my life. was any of this 3 of the most saddest times in my life what i think it was. a sexual assult? or justing making mountains out of mole hills?

about 6 months ago i was watching something on tv about a girl getting and living with abuse and one scene shows her about 9 years old getting raped. i think it was a lifetime movie. anyways, i stopped breathing, and then jumped up and got in my truck and left the house and ran. pure fear, that pressure on my chest feeling and just wanting to run and no where to go feeling. that was the frist time i have ever had that feeling to that extent and i havent had it since. when i let myslef think too hard on any of it most the first two i do experance a mild attack but i can handle it most of the time.

so is it or not.

thank you for reading this and for your input.

just please be kind with comments this has been very hard to write and talk about.

thank you
aster

agent · 04-20-2007, 06:27 PM

Yes. They were assault.

And when you were 30 and said no, it was rape. It doesn't matter that you did not resist, you said no. You are not making a mountain out of anything but a mountain.

I would definately seek councelling or therapy to help you deal with them.

Tigris · 04-20-2007, 08:32 PM

Please go and get counselling of some sort because if you don't you will continue to be put into this type of situation for the rest of your life.

There's no point in trying to lock it away because it always finds a way out. I know! I see a psychiatrist now.

Good luck and take care.

Scout · 04-20-2007, 10:35 PM

Hi, aster...welcome to eNotalone, friend. What a terrible trauma to have carried with you all these years. My heart truly goes out to you.

Unfortunately, the fact you have carried the burden alone is not uncommon in these types of situations, nor is the fact that your memories about what have happened are spotty. That is a defensive measure the mind takes to blunt some of the trauma of what has happened.

You were definitely raped as a child. That being said, I cannot say what exactly transpired between you and your "friend," as your memory appears to have blanked out large parts of what happened. But regardless, it was a sexual experience that left you feeling powerless, and I believe that alone is worth seeking some counseling for.

Personally, I think you have been experiencing traumatic stress for years now. You do not deserve to carry this pain with you for the rest of your life. Do consider talking to a kind, skilled therapist who is experienced in counseling victims of sexual abuse.

04-20-2007, 06:08 PM	#1
aster158 Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1	what do you think?? i am 32 years old and all of my life i have had memories or clips of time that arent complete. smells, sights, mostly feelings of pressure on my chest, like a weight is on it, i remember a closet with my older brother with me in it being naked and knowing i was going to be past to a friend of his and i remember having sex with this "friend". i was about 4 they were about 11 maybe 12. this same brother later on was found to have been abusing my younger cousin when she was about 4 or 5 years old. when the family found out it was told to everyone that "boys will be boys". by our mother and the topic was dead. no i have never told anyone who or what happend matter of fact this is the first time ever to have describe any of this. I have told a few selective bf that i have had been raped but never more than that. now fast foward to about 25, i had only been with 2 people and was very innocent,and i mean VERY INNOCENT. a friend of the family you could say someone i knew exposed then forceably touched and hurt me he called later that day and said sorry i told him never ever to call me again. he didnt. now fast foward to about 30, i had been with this man on and off for about 3 years. i was in a point in my life where i was very extremly depressed you know the kind couldnt get out of bed didnt eat or sleep just stayed in bed and breathed that was it. now this friend of mine called me and asked me to come over and watch a movie, i was ready to get happy and get back to being around people i went to his house. it took me over 3 hours to get out of bed take a shower and drive 5 miles. i was very depressed. anyway i went over and he wanted to mess around and i told him no not that day, i didnt have anything in me to fight much harder than to ask him not to do anything i just couldnt, wasnt in my right mind and just couldnt have sex that day give me time and i will. that is what i told him. i dont rmember the movie just that i wanted to go back home to my bed. then i remember getting dressed and driving home. i dont remember ever changing my mind, or saying no during the sex act, just laying there wishing it wasnt going on. and getting dressed and leaving as fast as i could. so this is the question i have fought with most of my life. was any of this 3 of the most saddest times in my life what i think it was. a sexual assult? or justing making mountains out of mole hills? about 6 months ago i was watching something on tv about a girl getting and living with abuse and one scene shows her about 9 years old getting raped. i think it was a lifetime movie. anyways, i stopped breathing, and then jumped up and got in my truck and left the house and ran. pure fear, that pressure on my chest feeling and just wanting to run and no where to go feeling. that was the frist time i have ever had that feeling to that extent and i havent had it since. when i let myslef think too hard on any of it most the first two i do experance a mild attack but i can handle it most of the time. so is it or not. thank you for reading this and for your input. just please be kind with comments this has been very hard to write and talk about. thank you aster Last edited by aster158; 04-20-2007 at 06:11 PM.

04-20-2007, 06:27 PM	#2
agent Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 3,890	Yes. They were assault. And when you were 30 and said no, it was rape. It doesn't matter that you did not resist, you said no. You are not making a mountain out of anything but a mountain. I would definately seek councelling or therapy to help you deal with them. __________________ "You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too." - Anais Nin "Come now, don't make such a funeral face. It isn't dying that's sad; it's living when you're not happy." -Octave Mirbeau "Don't be sad, don't be angry, if life deceives you! Submit to your grief; your time for joy will come, believe me." -Aleksandr Pushkin

04-20-2007, 10:35 PM	#4
Scout Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 7,292	Hi, aster...welcome to eNotalone, friend. What a terrible trauma to have carried with you all these years. My heart truly goes out to you. Unfortunately, the fact you have carried the burden alone is not uncommon in these types of situations, nor is the fact that your memories about what have happened are spotty. That is a defensive measure the mind takes to blunt some of the trauma of what has happened. You were definitely raped as a child. That being said, I cannot say what exactly transpired between you and your "friend," as your memory appears to have blanked out large parts of what happened. But regardless, it was a sexual experience that left you feeling powerless, and I believe that alone is worth seeking some counseling for. Personally, I think you have been experiencing traumatic stress for years now. You do not deserve to carry this pain with you for the rest of your life. Do consider talking to a kind, skilled therapist who is experienced in counseling victims of sexual abuse. __________________ If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. * * * One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. - Dale Carnegie * * * Bob Ross rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOpF_ZGD4Ps

04-20-2007, 08:32 PM	#3
Tigris Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 3,556	Please go and get counselling of some sort because if you don't you will continue to be put into this type of situation for the rest of your life. There's no point in trying to lock it away because it always finds a way out. I know! I see a psychiatrist now. Good luck and take care.