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I'm scared of getting married


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Hi all,

 

I need help. I'll try to make this as coherent as possible. I am engaged to be married to one of the world's most wonderful men. He works hard and makes great living. He treats me like a queen, will do anything for me, I have no doubt how much he loves me and that he will be faithful,etc.

 

I am petrified of getting married. I feel like I am settling because I know that he loves me, but I don't think I love him like that. I feel like people that get all head over heels in love are silly. I keep myself guarded and don't think I could feel like that. I wonder though if I just haven't met the right person to do that with. Maybe with the right guy I will open up to the crazy over the moon type love.

 

I am not attracted to him sexually. We have sex twice a month and it's fine but not the crazy passionate sex I want it to be. I have cheated on him in the past; the most recent being on a business trip. The worst thing- I don't feel the least bit guilty when I do it.

 

I slept with a coworker a couple nights ago after a night at the bar. It was fun and exciting and dirty and I loved it even though the sex itself was pretty unsatisfying for me. We're both in other relationships and laughed together about it the next day saying it was a great story- too bad we could never tell anyone. Now I'm sitting here thinking about the new guy non-stop. I have always been attracted to him but he isn't really someone I think I could date. I don't think he would leave his girlfriend for me anyway.

 

I guess I don't even know what my question is exactly. What the heck is the matter with me? I feel like I should marry my fiance because he is the perfect man. He will do anything to make me happy, why do I keep thinking that life would be better with other people? Am I just incapable of the crazy out of control type love? My father thinks so- he says I'm too much of a realist for that.

 

I seriously feel like I'm going crazy! Any insight or comments are much appreciated.

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Sorry, I am going to be blunt. Which I hate given you are a first time poster, but I am going to be.

 

You don't deserve your fiance.

 

This is not about you not being "head over heels" - in long term relationships love changes over time and it is unrealistic to think it will always be like that....but you do NOT RESPECT HIM AT ALL and you are CHEATING on him?

 

I am in fact extremely confused as to why you WANT to marry a man you feel fine cheating on, don't regret at all, and obviously plan on continuing to do - particularly since you seem to be convinced he is faithful and put that as a positive on HIM.

 

He deserves better; and I think you better call this wedding of right now. Because you are not dedicated to HIS happiness and what you are doing is cruel, selfish and horrible. If he is the wonderful man you say, he deserves to be with someone whom is wonderful to him as well, and whom deserves it. Because right now he loves whom he THINKS you are...it is based on a lie.

 

I feel you are with him for image and what you can get out of it only, and not because you are truly committed to HIM, love HIM or have any clue what marriage is about.

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Hey there,

 

DO NOT marry him if you have ANY doubts whatsoever. You are not in love with him, nor are you even attracted to him. Just because he is nice, hard working, a great person does not mean he is great FOR YOU.

 

Do not get married to someone you are not in love with. You have to talk to him and call this wedding off. Good luck.

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Don't be a coward - do not get married.

 

And not being in love is o.k., not being in love and considering whether to get married or not is o.k. BUT frequently cheating and not loving and being engaged and doubting marriage is WRONG and selfish.

Do what is right - you'll feel better after that.

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I agree with Raykay - I am in a minority maybe that the "head over heels" "over the moon" absolutely makes it easier to be "sure" about someone and want to get married, even desperately, but it is not essential in order to be sure about the person. Those head over heel feelings come and go. Sorry to repeat, Raykay, you said it perfectly, but I feel very strongly about this.

 

However, love and respect and trust are essential to be at least reasonably sure about. And yes, chemistry and physical/sexual attraction BUT that can vary widely in relationships and I would not judge what amount is enough. But again love, caring, respect and trust - wanting the best for your partner - that is what I think the 50 plus year marriages that are reasonably stable and happy are made of. It's lovely to hear when long term couples still have that zing for each other, that za za zoom as sex and the city puts it but what makes me all warm and fuzzy is seeing the couple who stays with each other through crises, enjoys celebrating the good times with each other, are each other's best friends. That can't happen when someone cheats.

 

I don't think the issue is this guy or that you don't love him enough. I think you're just not ready for marriage because you prioritize the thrill and excitement of s_x with a hunky stranger. If you weren't cheating, I wouldn't judge that at all - everyone needs to sow their wild oats - some for a week, some for years, some forever, some just in their imaginations - but you are cheating and that in my opinion makes the answer a no brainer - you're not ready to commit to one person because that doesn't seem as exciting as these one night stands, etc.

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You want to marry him, but think of it this way..if he were to know all of the things you have been doing do you think he would want to marry you?

 

Do not hurt this man. If he is such the perfect guy, why cheat on him and be so hurtful and feel no guilt. That is SAD.

 

I`m here to tell you now...there arent too many great guys out there like that. Honestly to be forward...He desurves someone who will give him the same amount of respect he gives in the relationship.

 

You need to tell him of your cheating ways and your uncertainty and if he calls it off...you should be able to understand and move on...doesnt seem as though it would be too hard for you anyways..

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Hey

 

What it comes down to right now is the right thing. You know that you are not "in love" with him. Forget your past or what you have done it comes down to the bare bones of you don't love him, you care for him. Anybody who treats you with that amount of love and respect deserves something better. And you deserve something that will suit YOU better. Break it off, walk away. Maybe not for you but for him. Because it's the right thing to do.

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Hey there,

 

DO NOT marry him if you have ANY doubts whatsoever. You are not in love with him, nor are you even attracted to him. Just because he is nice, hard working, a great person does not mean he is great FOR YOU.

 

Do not get married to someone you are not in love with. You have to talk to him and call this wedding off. Good luck.

 

I think it's fine to have some doubts - her behavior in this case is the main problem. I know of many happy/stable marriages where one or both had some doubts before and even after the marriage but the good stuff far outweighed the doubts and there was a deep commitment to making it work. Much of the time people who say they have no doubts are head over heels (which can fade and then the doubts do come up) or they are not being 100% honest with themselves. That's where there are problems - when someone has no doubts because they are head over heels and are not seeing the other person realistically.

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Thank you all for your bluntness. I am 100% aware that I am being horrible and selfish. I do not deserve a man like my fiance. I beat myself up on a daily basis about what an awful person I am, I don't deserve anything.

 

We separated for a week a few months ago and during that week I made out with another guy. He is unaware of either time I have cheated, which I completely understand doesn't make it right. I'm just saying.

 

I know that I'm not being honest with myself or with him. I just don't look at him and think that I love him. My question is why? Everything is how it should be. This is what I should want. He is who I should be with. Why isn't that enough for me?

 

I have no doubt in my mind that I will never find anyone better than him. Why do I feel that validation from a stranger is more important? I know that I'm afraid of feeling old and settled. I'm 24 and the thought of staying in on weekends and having babies scares the crap out of me. I am so afraid of my life becoming monotonous and boring.

 

I wish I would have met him later. I loved being single. I was at the point where I had just started my great career. I traveled all the time and felt important. I changed jobs to be home more and I hate it. I have no hobbies and no passion for anything. My life is 100% consumed by my job and planning this 450 person wedding, before that it was work and my masters, before that work and my undergrad.

 

I know that some people find comfort in routine and stability. I feel that it makes me old and boring. I have friends that are married and when they call to talk about what they did that weekend, they'll tell me about the yardwork they did or the painting. I want to go out, see shows and concerts.

 

I don't know. Bottom line, this is exactly what I should want- why don't i??

 

ETA: My fiance is painfully shy and the thought of him being alone makes me cry. So on some terms, I do care about his happiness. I don't want him to be alone or be sad. I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for his.

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Hey there,

 

I know what you are saying but just because he is nice, sweet, makes a good living, takes care of you DOES NOT mean he is RIGHT FOR YOU! There is such a thing called chemistry and obviously, you do not have it with your fiance. There is nothing wrong with that, but you have to be smart about it, realize this and let him go.

 

It sounds like you are not ready to get married....PERIOD! Not to this guy, not to anyone. Call this wedding off...it you marry him, you will be making a dreadful mistake. Get out NOW! Whom cares what 450 people will think???? This is YOUR life, not THEIRS! It will be old news in a day.

 

And feeling sorry for him does him no favors. You should never stay with anyone out of pity or guilt!! Gosh, I feel terribly sorry for your fiance.

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I hope this thing of women being fearful of commitment is not a new trend or something. I remember years ago, most girls WANTED to find a great guy to marry... now it seems, they are more commitment-phobic than us men!

 

(Plus, it does marriage-minded men like myself no favour when most of the women act this way!) Ugh.

 

One question: Why did you go out with him if you were not sexually attracted to him? What is out of pity or something?

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Why should you want that? Yes it's the sterotype or the people around you want that. Or maybe your parents feel that's how it should be. But why should that be the life for you at this point?

 

Well what other life would there be? This is pretty much how it's supposed to go. Maybe I'm feeling like this is the best possible opportunity I should probably take it while it's here? I don't know.

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Honey, don't get married. Listen to your inner voice.

 

I was in a similar situation 6 years ago. I didn't cheat, but I knew inside he wasn't the one for me. I'm now married to a man I don't love "that way" and am miserable. I shouldn't be because I have that stereotypical "great" life that you described, but I am...and it sucks.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to "talk".

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I don't think you should worry about him being alone. Great guys get descoverd. You are not ready to settle down. Don't ignore your happiness for his, because really it's false. I think you should let it go before it gets in too deep, if it isn't already. You should tell him of your ways and tell him you really aren't ready and that you are feeling extream guilt as you should. You really arent ready to settle down you shouldnt be held back. I couldnt even see the marraige working out to be honest.

 

You deserve to be happy as well as he does and he can find happiness but you wont be able to be as happy as you want to be with him.

 

It would only be fair to leave this behind. Fair for you both. You just arent made for eachother...he doesnt know that because he doesnt know the things you are doing...Im sure if you let him know he will be able to heal and over time realize it was for the best.

 

He will be able to find love else where...true love with someone who loves him back. If you TRULY care about his happiness you will let it go.

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"Well what other life would there be? This is pretty much how it's supposed to go. Maybe I'm feeling like this is the best possible opportunity I should probably take it while it's here? I don't know."

 

Ummm, a life where you do not CHEAT on your fiance for one thing. You do not even love the guy. Nor have you even given love a chance. I resent you writing that being over the moon for someone is silly. It is NOT! It is a wonderful feeling, very priceless. No wonder you are settling, you have a scewed view on what a relationship should feel like.

 

You wrote you are willing to sacrifice YOUR happiness for him???? Ummm, cheating on him to seek happiness and thrills in someone else is HARDLY sacrificing.

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Kellbell-

 

You are absolutely right that there is no chemistry, but the chemistry dies too, right??

 

I am not ready to get married. It is becoming painfully obvious.

 

I didn't think what I said sounded like pity- it actually seemed quite selfless to me but I guess you're right.

 

Wilhelm-

 

I tried to find a proper response to that first part but none of them came out without me sounding like a raging feminist.

 

I should rephrase- I feel that we sexually imcompatible and that we lack chemistry. I remember thinking that I could see myself with him the first time we met. After we were friends about 6 months, we dated and I knew within a week that we would be married.

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Well what other life would there be? This is pretty much how it's supposed to go. Maybe I'm feeling like this is the best possible opportunity I should probably take it while it's here? I don't know.

 

AND there are plenty of other opportuniries out there, get your old job back, find a guy who shares similar interests, this is not somthing you should just take because its there, the other life youre talking about is the one you are living secretly behind his back and you've said it yourself...it was fun and too bad you cant tell others about it. It would be alot "funner'' if it werent a secret and without the big guilt on the shoulders...

 

like i said you deserve your happiness to. this isnt want you truly want.

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[b[/b]Ummm, a life where you do not CHEAT on your fiance for one thing. You do not even love the guy. Nor have you even given love a chance. I resent you writing that being over the moon for someone is silly. It is NOT! It is a wonderful feeling, very priceless. No wonder you are settling, you have a scewed view on what a relationship should feel like.

 

You wrote you are willing to sacrifice YOUR happiness for him???? Ummm, cheating on him to seek happiness and thrills in someone else is HARDLY sacrificing.

 

I sincerely apologize for offending you. I guess the premise was to inform people about myself. I am NOT a romantic. I don't even know if I am capable of feeling that way for a person. I would LOVE to. Is that what a relationship should feel like? I should hold out until I find the crazy in love feeling? I don't know if I ever will. As of right now, I don't know that I will.

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"You are absolutely right that there is no chemistry, but the chemistry dies too, right??"

 

Yes and no. I believe it changes. But have you EVER felt chemisty towards your fiance? I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and I STILL get a rush in my tummy when I think of being intimiate, I still crack a smile when I think of him and his smile. This is the way it should be, IMO. I believe the chemistry changes over time, but it is still present. It is hard to explain.

 

But staying with someone out of pity is not cool. I was in the SAME situation 2 years ago and let me tell you, this WILL get worse. After being intimate with my ex, I would cry. Whenever he called me to tell me he was on his way home, I wanted to smash my phone against the wall, I was crazy angry when he called, when I saw his truck in the driveway, I wanted to turn around and drive away. When your needs are not being met, it will turn into resentment, and then rage. I have been there. I thought the same things as you, he is nice guy, we have been together for so long, he works hard, etc...why do not I love him? I was never attracted to him...ever. I was MISERABLE!!! You believe me, you will be too if not already.

 

Please, let this man go. You both deserve to be happy.

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I think the bottom line here is that you are too young and picked the wrong guy to get married to. I know I wasn't when I was your age and I was afraid of some of the same things you are.

 

Fast forward 5 years and I have no desire to do the things I used to do, like geting drunk with my friends every weekend and meeting women all the time.

 

I look at that now as an empty existence, when I used to look at marriage as an empty existence.

 

Your marriage is what you make of it. If you don't want your life to be monotonous and boring, then don't let it become that.

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[b

After being intimate with my ex, I would cry. Whenever he called me to tell me he was on his way home, I wanted to smash my phone against the wall, I was crazy angry when he called, when I saw his truck in the driveway, I wanted to turn around and drive away. When your needs are not being met, it will turn into resentment, and then rage. I have been there. I thought the same things as you, he is nice guy, we have been together for so long, he works hard, etc...why do not I love him? I was never attracted to him...ever. I was MISERABLE!!! You believe me, you will be too if not already.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. I have cried after being intimate. I don't miss him when he's gone.

 

Why don't I love him? I want to. Terribly.

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Love cannot be forced, it just is. Friend, I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. I knew it was over with my ex a year and half before it ended offically. I realized it during a family BBQ. His family. I looked around and thought, "oh my gosh, if I ever broke up with him, he would have to explain to all these people." I was afraid of the mess afterwards. I felt trapped. But I was miserable and he was not happy either, even though he denied it.

 

Love is something that just is. There is no logic in emotions or feelings. It is okay that you do not love this man, you are not a bad person for that. But cheating is horrible, it is cruel. I know this is not what you had in mind. There is that special someone out there for you.

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