I'm scared of getting married

[Scared2007]

Hi all,

I need help. I'll try to make this as coherent as possible. I am engaged to be married to one of the world's most wonderful men. He works hard and makes great living. He treats me like a queen, will do anything for me, I have no doubt how much he loves me and that he will be faithful,etc.

I am petrified of getting married. I feel like I am settling because I know that he loves me, but I don't think I love him like that. I feel like people that get all head over heels in love are silly. I keep myself guarded and don't think I could feel like that. I wonder though if I just haven't met the right person to do that with. Maybe with the right guy I will open up to the crazy over the moon type love.

I am not attracted to him sexually. We have sex twice a month and it's fine but not the crazy passionate sex I want it to be. I have cheated on him in the past; the most recent being on a business trip. The worst thing- I don't feel the least bit guilty when I do it.

I slept with a coworker a couple nights ago after a night at the bar. It was fun and exciting and dirty and I loved it even though the sex itself was pretty unsatisfying for me. We're both in other relationships and laughed together about it the next day saying it was a great story- too bad we could never tell anyone. Now I'm sitting here thinking about the new guy non-stop. I have always been attracted to him but he isn't really someone I think I could date. I don't think he would leave his girlfriend for me anyway.

I guess I don't even know what my question is exactly. What the heck is the matter with me? I feel like I should marry my fiance because he is the perfect man. He will do anything to make me happy, why do I keep thinking that life would be better with other people? Am I just incapable of the crazy out of control type love? My father thinks so- he says I'm too much of a realist for that.

I seriously feel like I'm going crazy! Any insight or comments are much appreciated.

[RayKay]

Sorry, I am going to be blunt. Which I hate given you are a first time poster, but I am going to be.

You don't deserve your fiance.

This is not about you not being "head over heels" - in long term relationships love changes over time and it is unrealistic to think it will always be like that....but you do NOT RESPECT HIM AT ALL and you are CHEATING on him?

I am in fact extremely confused as to why you WANT to marry a man you feel fine cheating on, don't regret at all, and obviously plan on continuing to do - particularly since you seem to be convinced he is faithful and put that as a positive on HIM.

He deserves better; and I think you better call this wedding of right now. Because you are not dedicated to HIS happiness and what you are doing is cruel, selfish and horrible. If he is the wonderful man you say, he deserves to be with someone whom is wonderful to him as well, and whom deserves it. Because right now he loves whom he THINKS you are...it is based on a lie.

I feel you are with him for image and what you can get out of it only, and not because you are truly committed to HIM, love HIM or have any clue what marriage is about.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

DO NOT marry him if you have ANY doubts whatsoever. You are not in love with him, nor are you even attracted to him. Just because he is nice, hard working, a great person does not mean he is great FOR YOU.

Do not get married to someone you are not in love with. You have to talk to him and call this wedding off. Good luck.

[Siriana]

Don't be a coward - do not get married.

And not being in love is o.k., not being in love and considering whether to get married or not is o.k. BUT frequently cheating and not loving and being engaged and doubting marriage is WRONG and selfish.
Do what is right - you'll feel better after that.

[Batya33]

I agree with Raykay - I am in a minority maybe that the "head over heels" "over the moon" absolutely makes it easier to be "sure" about someone and want to get married, even desperately, but it is not essential in order to be sure about the person. Those head over heel feelings come and go. Sorry to repeat, Raykay, you said it perfectly, but I feel very strongly about this.

However, love and respect and trust are essential to be at least reasonably sure about. And yes, chemistry and physical/sexual attraction BUT that can vary widely in relationships and I would not judge what amount is enough. But again love, caring, respect and trust - wanting the best for your partner - that is what I think the 50 plus year marriages that are reasonably stable and happy are made of. It's lovely to hear when long term couples still have that zing for each other, that za za zoom as sex and the city puts it but what makes me all warm and fuzzy is seeing the couple who stays with each other through crises, enjoys celebrating the good times with each other, are each other's best friends. That can't happen when someone cheats.

I don't think the issue is this guy or that you don't love him enough. I think you're just not ready for marriage because you prioritize the thrill and excitement of s_x with a hunky stranger. If you weren't cheating, I wouldn't judge that at all - everyone needs to sow their wild oats - some for a week, some for years, some forever, some just in their imaginations - but you are cheating and that in my opinion makes the answer a no brainer - you're not ready to commit to one person because that doesn't seem as exciting as these one night stands, etc.

[LaurenC123]

You want to marry him, but think of it this way..if he were to know all of the things you have been doing do you think he would want to marry you?

Do not hurt this man. If he is such the perfect guy, why cheat on him and be so hurtful and feel no guilt. That is SAD.

I`m here to tell you now...there arent too many great guys out there like that. Honestly to be forward...He desurves someone who will give him the same amount of respect he gives in the relationship.

You need to tell him of your cheating ways and your uncertainty and if he calls it off...you should be able to understand and move on...doesnt seem as though it would be too hard for you anyways..

[darkpumpkin]

Hey

What it comes down to right now is the right thing. You know that you are not "in love" with him. Forget your past or what you have done it comes down to the bare bones of you don't love him, you care for him. Anybody who treats you with that amount of love and respect deserves something better. And you deserve something that will suit YOU better. Break it off, walk away. Maybe not for you but for him. Because it's the right thing to do.

[Batya33]

Hey there,

DO NOT marry him if you have ANY doubts whatsoever. You are not in love with him, nor are you even attracted to him. Just because he is nice, hard working, a great person does not mean he is great FOR YOU.

Do not get married to someone you are not in love with. You have to talk to him and call this wedding off. Good luck.

I think it's fine to have some doubts - her behavior in this case is the main problem. I know of many happy/stable marriages where one or both had some doubts before and even after the marriage but the good stuff far outweighed the doubts and there was a deep commitment to making it work. Much of the time people who say they have no doubts are head over heels (which can fade and then the doubts do come up) or they are not being 100% honest with themselves. That's where there are problems - when someone has no doubts because they are head over heels and are not seeing the other person realistically.

[Scared2007]

Thank you all for your bluntness. I am 100% aware that I am being horrible and selfish. I do not deserve a man like my fiance. I beat myself up on a daily basis about what an awful person I am, I don't deserve anything.

We separated for a week a few months ago and during that week I made out with another guy. He is unaware of either time I have cheated, which I completely understand doesn't make it right. I'm just saying.

I know that I'm not being honest with myself or with him. I just don't look at him and think that I love him. My question is why? Everything is how it should be. This is what I should want. He is who I should be with. Why isn't that enough for me?

I have no doubt in my mind that I will never find anyone better than him. Why do I feel that validation from a stranger is more important? I know that I'm afraid of feeling old and settled. I'm 24 and the thought of staying in on weekends and having babies scares the crap out of me. I am so afraid of my life becoming monotonous and boring.

I wish I would have met him later. I loved being single. I was at the point where I had just started my great career. I traveled all the time and felt important. I changed jobs to be home more and I hate it. I have no hobbies and no passion for anything. My life is 100% consumed by my job and planning this 450 person wedding, before that it was work and my masters, before that work and my undergrad.

I know that some people find comfort in routine and stability. I feel that it makes me old and boring. I have friends that are married and when they call to talk about what they did that weekend, they'll tell me about the yardwork they did or the painting. I want to go out, see shows and concerts.

I don't know. Bottom line, this is exactly what I should want- why don't i??

ETA: My fiance is painfully shy and the thought of him being alone makes me cry. So on some terms, I do care about his happiness. I don't want him to be alone or be sad. I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for his.

[darkpumpkin]

Why should you want that? Yes it's the sterotype or the people around you want that. Or maybe your parents feel that's how it should be. But why should that be the life for you at this point?