Girlfriend was raped...having trouble dealing

WindieBobcat · 04-19-2007, 01:45 PM

I am...she is having trouble as well...I guess I should explain. Bear in mind, we're gay. We got together last October.

She went to a party as a designated driver in November 2005, went out for a smoke. Guy who was drunk followed her out and raped her, and she didnt tell anybody, never reported it. When we got together she would have these nightmares and I would calm her, help her through it...we talked about it from time to time. We're currently in a long distance relationship, we see each other every two months, thats the arrangement we've come up with...

She works at a gym, doing child care, and she is a friendly person. I recently broke down and told her that I was having difficulties dealing with how learning of her rape affected me and such...its a strain to try and be strong when all I want to do is kill the bastard who did this...I know him, he went to our university and was in two of my classes...I confessed to her that what comes across as jealousy and mistrust of her behavior around men, particularly those at the gym, is really just me being terrified as heck for her...she broke down, saying she never once gave thought to how it would have affected me, how she didnt want to burden me...

I told her she's not a burden to me, she never was and never will be. The main reason for her reaction is that when she finally told her parents and siginicant other at the time, both her mother and her significant other said "how could you let that happen...." It destroyed her and so she blamed herself for a long time before I finally started getting through to her that it wasnt her fault.

Now last night, she had to swing by the gym to pick up her ipod, she had forgotten it and this guy she's known for about a month was holding it for her. She got there around 9:30, and when I called her around 1:30 AM (I was out at a meeting), she was still there....talking to the guy, just her and him, outside in the parking lot of the gym. Every other store around it was closed down, and it was just them, near her car. I freaked out...and she doesnt understand why I did

Now she's angry...I'm freaking out still but now because I think she wants to end it. She stunned me to tears today by telling me that the healing process has nothing to do with me, as she was the one who was hurt...I dont see how she can say that, when I have been the one who has held her when she wakes up screaming and crying....

She knows, after my confessions, that its not mistrust of her or jealousy...its just an overwhelming concern for her safety...

Should I back off and just let her do as she pleases without giving any input? Because that seems like I dont care...but I do care...could I be caring too much? Any help here would be so very much appreciated....I just want someone to understand how much I am hurting myself...and that I have no one to talk to about it because she doesnt want to tell anybody else for fear of being pitied by them...

I just need someone to talk to me.

AzureSkyes69 · 04-19-2007, 01:58 PM

I am very sorry to hear what your gf has gone through and what you are still going through.I can very much understand how deeply this affects you as well cause it would be very much the same case for me if I were you.

I would just explain to your gf that you are afraid for her safety and that you are however not going through the healing or inner emotional pain that she might be going through...but ...it still affects you because you care about her and when she is hurting so are you.

Ash · 04-19-2007, 02:24 PM

Sounds like there's more than one thing going on here. There's fear for her safety, fear that you might lose her, and upset that you don't figure more highly in her life according to her.

Rapists are actually few and far between. While it is somewhat of a concern to be wandering the streets alone as a single female, on the other hand she did know this guy somewhat and it wasn't a party or some other similar related activity. She was likely fairly safe. I do understand your concern though.

She's had trouble dealing with what happened to her obviously. She likely believe at some lever it was her fault and as a result, she thinks the healing and acceptance of what happened is something for just her to deal with. The best thing you can do is be there for her, let her know it was just not her fault, and that you want to help her heal in whatever way you can. At the same time, although you may want to, it's difficult right now to take any credit for what you're doing. One day she'll realize, but right now she doesn't.

Honestly speaking, are you scared of losing her to this guy? It sounds like there's a hint of that. This could be a conflict between you two.

I doubt I have any answers or ways of making you feel a bit better. If it helps to talk about it to others then you should do that. That's a very common thing. Also, keep talking to her about whatever things you normally do, try not to be upset, and certainly don't make her think she did anything wrong because that's already a place she's been with this rape. Let her know you are concerned about her safety though.

WindieBobcat · 04-19-2007, 02:26 PM

hey thanks so much for your comments...I've tried explaining that to her...I've even suggested to her that she should try and keep the hanging out with the male friends she makes at the gym to the times when she's actually working. Another reason I freak out is because she's been harassed by a coworker, to the point where he even grabbed her shoulders and started trying to convince her to let him convert her (one such typical reaction of a male when faced with a good looking woman who happens to be a lesbian). She reported it and he is being dealt with by management, but it doesn't help that 99% of the guys at the gym are total sleaze bags who start getting aggressive when they find out she's gay. Its like they feel the need to try and convert her.

I'm afraid to even try and explain to her that I am hurting because I care about her, even though it is nowhere near to the emotional and physical hurt she felt and still feels...I got snapped at last time I tried to explain that, and when that happens I tend to close into myself.

Ash · 04-19-2007, 02:30 PM

Sounds like she struggling with the whole issue of her sexuality to some extent. People aren't accepting her for who she is, and piled on top of the rape that's a lot to take on. Too bad they can't leave the flirtatious and worse parts out of it and just be friendly.

AzureSkyes69 · 04-19-2007, 02:33 PM

all you can do now really is just support her and ..sorry to say if it means letting go a little ,you might need to do that.
Just let her know if she needs u you will be ther for her.

WindieBobcat · 04-19-2007, 02:41 PM

I'm not afraid of losing her to this guy, even though in the past she has been the type to date around and date around often, without much time in between ppl. My main concern was that there was literally nobody else around. It was just the two of them, and while they have had the odd conversation or so at the gym for about a month, to me, in that part of Miami, at that hour of night, its just not sensible to be in that situation...

PocoDiablo · 04-19-2007, 02:58 PM

For one, it sounds that the two of you should consider seeking professional assistance. I would suggest speaking with a rape crisis center or something similar.

For two, I'm getting a weird vibe here... she was raped, but then she is trusting around guys in the middle of nowhere? My SO was raped, and guess what? She has a *really* hard time being alone with strange men. I am sure everyone reacts differently, so who knows, but this just struck me as odd.

Finally, something really out there came to me, so take this with a grain of salt... A long time ago I was engaged, in a LDR, and my fiancee told me she was raped. I drove to her state, found out where this guy lived, and drove to his house with her. She thought I was going to confront him (I'm a pretty big guy). I happened to know where her dad had a gun, and when we arrived I pulled it out. Guess what? When she realized I was about to shoot this guy, she quickly confessed that she had actually led the guy on at a party, and halfway through having sex someone caught them, so she lied to cover herself! She never pressed charges of course. It turns out she had slept with 12 guys while we were together, and gave me an STD (curable, thankfully.) Yeah, I dumped her on the spot.

All I am saying is that people do some pretty amazing things sometimes. Yeah, I am a little jaded, but I'd rather be jaded than naive.

What's going on in your case? It's hard to say, and I don't think anyone can tell you here. I think even you and she cannot find out the answers, hence why I suggest seeking an experienced health professional.

Good luck.

Ash · 04-19-2007, 03:01 PM

Perhaps not the safest thing, you're of course familiar with the area and I'm not! Hopefully she will realize your concern for her safety was genuine. She may be pushing back against anybody concerned about her in that way though if she feels the rape was her fault. She may feel she has to make her own safety in a way, that she should be responsible for herself.

WindieBobcat · 04-19-2007, 03:23 PM

PocoDiablo, I'm incredibly sorry for what happened to you, I hate when that happens because then when a woman is raped, nobody takes it seriously. I understand why you're jaded, trust me.

I asked her that same question myself, because I know how weirded out she gets around men she does not know. She said it just was easy to talk to him, because he is one of the few guys she's encountered who isn't trying to convert her to heterosexuality.

As for taking her story with a grain of salt well like I said, I understand why you are jaded personally, but I know her rapist...this is a guy who we had to boot from a school party (before my girl got there) because a girl was trying to shove him off and he wasn't listening. He wasn't drunk then, he was sober, and he grabbed her arms and actually tried forcing himself against her at the party. He got booted off campus not long after for attempting to persuade a girl to sleep with him, when her roommate thankfully walked in when he had gotten off the chair to advance on her. Both times...sober...

So...I can't say that I never thought he was capable of rape, because he was when he was sober and so drunk? yeah....

Well she and I are having a talk tonight once we both get off work...thanks everyone for your comments and insight, and by all means, please keep sharing...I will let you know how it goes.

04-19-2007, 01:45 PM	#1
WindieBobcat Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4	Girlfriend was raped...having trouble dealing I am...she is having trouble as well...I guess I should explain. Bear in mind, we're gay. We got together last October. She went to a party as a designated driver in November 2005, went out for a smoke. Guy who was drunk followed her out and raped her, and she didnt tell anybody, never reported it. When we got together she would have these nightmares and I would calm her, help her through it...we talked about it from time to time. We're currently in a long distance relationship, we see each other every two months, thats the arrangement we've come up with... She works at a gym, doing child care, and she is a friendly person. I recently broke down and told her that I was having difficulties dealing with how learning of her rape affected me and such...its a strain to try and be strong when all I want to do is kill the bastard who did this...I know him, he went to our university and was in two of my classes...I confessed to her that what comes across as jealousy and mistrust of her behavior around men, particularly those at the gym, is really just me being terrified as heck for her...she broke down, saying she never once gave thought to how it would have affected me, how she didnt want to burden me... I told her she's not a burden to me, she never was and never will be. The main reason for her reaction is that when she finally told her parents and siginicant other at the time, both her mother and her significant other said "how could you let that happen...." It destroyed her and so she blamed herself for a long time before I finally started getting through to her that it wasnt her fault. Now last night, she had to swing by the gym to pick up her ipod, she had forgotten it and this guy she's known for about a month was holding it for her. She got there around 9:30, and when I called her around 1:30 AM (I was out at a meeting), she was still there....talking to the guy, just her and him, outside in the parking lot of the gym. Every other store around it was closed down, and it was just them, near her car. I freaked out...and she doesnt understand why I did Now she's angry...I'm freaking out still but now because I think she wants to end it. She stunned me to tears today by telling me that the healing process has nothing to do with me, as she was the one who was hurt...I dont see how she can say that, when I have been the one who has held her when she wakes up screaming and crying.... She knows, after my confessions, that its not mistrust of her or jealousy...its just an overwhelming concern for her safety... Should I back off and just let her do as she pleases without giving any input? Because that seems like I dont care...but I do care...could I be caring too much? Any help here would be so very much appreciated....I just want someone to understand how much I am hurting myself...and that I have no one to talk to about it because she doesnt want to tell anybody else for fear of being pitied by them... I just need someone to talk to me. __________________ The unexamined life is not worth living. - Socrates

04-19-2007, 01:58 PM	#2
AzureSkyes69 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: A place where dreams are becoming real... Gender: Female Posts: 372	I am very sorry to hear what your gf has gone through and what you are still going through.I can very much understand how deeply this affects you as well cause it would be very much the same case for me if I were you. I would just explain to your gf that you are afraid for her safety and that you are however not going through the healing or inner emotional pain that she might be going through...but ...it still affects you because you care about her and when she is hurting so are you. __________________ ஐ♥"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies 'within' us"♥ஐ ......... Ralph W. Emerson

04-19-2007, 02:24 PM	#3
Ash Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Age: 46 Posts: 1,868	Sounds like there's more than one thing going on here. There's fear for her safety, fear that you might lose her, and upset that you don't figure more highly in her life according to her. Rapists are actually few and far between. While it is somewhat of a concern to be wandering the streets alone as a single female, on the other hand she did know this guy somewhat and it wasn't a party or some other similar related activity. She was likely fairly safe. I do understand your concern though. She's had trouble dealing with what happened to her obviously. She likely believe at some lever it was her fault and as a result, she thinks the healing and acceptance of what happened is something for just her to deal with. The best thing you can do is be there for her, let her know it was just not her fault, and that you want to help her heal in whatever way you can. At the same time, although you may want to, it's difficult right now to take any credit for what you're doing. One day she'll realize, but right now she doesn't. Honestly speaking, are you scared of losing her to this guy? It sounds like there's a hint of that. This could be a conflict between you two. I doubt I have any answers or ways of making you feel a bit better. If it helps to talk about it to others then you should do that. That's a very common thing. Also, keep talking to her about whatever things you normally do, try not to be upset, and certainly don't make her think she did anything wrong because that's already a place she's been with this rape. Let her know you are concerned about her safety though. __________________ Wisdom can come with youth ... my friends here prove it everyday.

04-19-2007, 02:26 PM	#4
WindieBobcat Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4	hey thanks so much for your comments...I've tried explaining that to her...I've even suggested to her that she should try and keep the hanging out with the male friends she makes at the gym to the times when she's actually working. Another reason I freak out is because she's been harassed by a coworker, to the point where he even grabbed her shoulders and started trying to convince her to let him convert her (one such typical reaction of a male when faced with a good looking woman who happens to be a lesbian). She reported it and he is being dealt with by management, but it doesn't help that 99% of the guys at the gym are total sleaze bags who start getting aggressive when they find out she's gay. Its like they feel the need to try and convert her. I'm afraid to even try and explain to her that I am hurting because I care about her, even though it is nowhere near to the emotional and physical hurt she felt and still feels...I got snapped at last time I tried to explain that, and when that happens I tend to close into myself. __________________ The unexamined life is not worth living. - Socrates

04-19-2007, 02:30 PM	#5
Ash Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Age: 46 Posts: 1,868	Sounds like she struggling with the whole issue of her sexuality to some extent. People aren't accepting her for who she is, and piled on top of the rape that's a lot to take on. Too bad they can't leave the flirtatious and worse parts out of it and just be friendly. __________________ Wisdom can come with youth ... my friends here prove it everyday.

04-19-2007, 02:33 PM	#6
AzureSkyes69 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: A place where dreams are becoming real... Gender: Female Posts: 372	all you can do now really is just support her and ..sorry to say if it means letting go a little ,you might need to do that. Just let her know if she needs u you will be ther for her. __________________ ஐ♥"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies 'within' us"♥ஐ ......... Ralph W. Emerson

04-19-2007, 02:41 PM	#7
WindieBobcat Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4	I'm not afraid of losing her to this guy, even though in the past she has been the type to date around and date around often, without much time in between ppl. My main concern was that there was literally nobody else around. It was just the two of them, and while they have had the odd conversation or so at the gym for about a month, to me, in that part of Miami, at that hour of night, its just not sensible to be in that situation... __________________ The unexamined life is not worth living. - Socrates

04-19-2007, 02:58 PM	#8
PocoDiablo Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Springfield, VA Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 2,423	For one, it sounds that the two of you should consider seeking professional assistance. I would suggest speaking with a rape crisis center or something similar. For two, I'm getting a weird vibe here... she was raped, but then she is trusting around guys in the middle of nowhere? My SO was raped, and guess what? She has a really hard time being alone with strange men. I am sure everyone reacts differently, so who knows, but this just struck me as odd. Finally, something really out there came to me, so take this with a grain of salt... A long time ago I was engaged, in a LDR, and my fiancee told me she was raped. I drove to her state, found out where this guy lived, and drove to his house with her. She thought I was going to confront him (I'm a pretty big guy). I happened to know where her dad had a gun, and when we arrived I pulled it out. Guess what? When she realized I was about to shoot this guy, she quickly confessed that she had actually led the guy on at a party, and halfway through having sex someone caught them, so she lied to cover herself! She never pressed charges of course. It turns out she had slept with 12 guys while we were together, and gave me an STD (curable, thankfully.) Yeah, I dumped her on the spot. All I am saying is that people do some pretty amazing things sometimes. Yeah, I am a little jaded, but I'd rather be jaded than naive. What's going on in your case? It's hard to say, and I don't think anyone can tell you here. I think even you and she cannot find out the answers, hence why I suggest seeking an experienced health professional. Good luck. __________________ Advice given is only as good as the details you provide, and even then it's just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you do, so trust your gut.

04-19-2007, 03:01 PM	#9
Ash Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Age: 46 Posts: 1,868	Perhaps not the safest thing, you're of course familiar with the area and I'm not! Hopefully she will realize your concern for her safety was genuine. She may be pushing back against anybody concerned about her in that way though if she feels the rape was her fault. She may feel she has to make her own safety in a way, that she should be responsible for herself. __________________ Wisdom can come with youth ... my friends here prove it everyday.

04-19-2007, 03:23 PM	#10
WindieBobcat Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4	PocoDiablo, I'm incredibly sorry for what happened to you, I hate when that happens because then when a woman is raped, nobody takes it seriously. I understand why you're jaded, trust me. I asked her that same question myself, because I know how weirded out she gets around men she does not know. She said it just was easy to talk to him, because he is one of the few guys she's encountered who isn't trying to convert her to heterosexuality. As for taking her story with a grain of salt well like I said, I understand why you are jaded personally, but I know her rapist...this is a guy who we had to boot from a school party (before my girl got there) because a girl was trying to shove him off and he wasn't listening. He wasn't drunk then, he was sober, and he grabbed her arms and actually tried forcing himself against her at the party. He got booted off campus not long after for attempting to persuade a girl to sleep with him, when her roommate thankfully walked in when he had gotten off the chair to advance on her. Both times...sober... So...I can't say that I never thought he was capable of rape, because he was when he was sober and so drunk? yeah.... Well she and I are having a talk tonight once we both get off work...thanks everyone for your comments and insight, and by all means, please keep sharing...I will let you know how it goes. __________________ The unexamined life is not worth living. - Socrates