BF thinks i'm carrying a burden

SherriLi · 04-18-2007, 11:06 AM

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this gets long.. I really hope that you stick through and read it, for i REALLY need some input, thank you.

I feel so empty, so exhausted from all of this.

My bf and i had a painful past. He hurt me terribly, through cheating in the beginning with his ex, pursuing a friendship with her against my wishes after. He beat me up once ( I fought back). I stayed through all of this, and a painful abortion that we both regret. We broke up and he moved. We got back together right away and we LDRed it for a while.

When he came back he came with 15 pictures of his ex that she sent him... This became an issue. He lied about how much contact they had through phone and email.

I was very hurt by this, i regressed and it brought back all the pain that he put me through in the past with her. We fought and fought, I cried my eyes out one night, and he FINALLY seen the pain he put me through. He couldn't see it before because he was too wrapped up in himself and his wants... So he got rid of the pics, and promised to quit talking to her all together. He phoned and left a message on her machine in front of me and then gave me her numbers.

We've been fighting about alot of things lately, and when we drink on the weekends, the fights get ALOT worse.

I have an anger in me, I know that i'm still hurting for all the betrayal he's bestowed upon me, but he's been trying SO hard lately, he's been doing everything that he should have in the beginning. He doesn't understand why i'm the way i am. I guess that just because he's been doing everything right for the past 2 monthes, that my flaws should be erased immediatly also. Maybe he's right, maybe there's something else deep down inside that's making me so angry.

When we fight after drinking, what ever it is that sets us off, leads to other past issues and i end up callling him all the names in the book ( that i don't remember). When we argue, i try to run away from it. I go to my bedroom and he follows and argues more. When i try to get away he pushes me back or won't let me leave the room. Last weekend, he said that i grabbed his throat, which i don't recall. He said we both fell... which i don't recall. I'm still sore everywhere. I counted sixteen bruises all over my arms legs and back. He has one above his eye.

The next day he kept on yelling at me, i packed his bags and told him it was over. Then after a while he came into the bedroom and said "tell me your sorry" I told him i was sorry for calling him names that i didn't remember calling him. and for the bruise above his eye i don't recall giving him.

He wants me to talk to someone about my anger. He refuses to talk to someone about his because he says that his anger is directed at me, and not about something that happened in the past, he gets angry with me so he thinks his anger is ok.

He thinks that i have something horrible burried in my past that fuels my anger. There is a history of sexual abuse in my family. I don't remember being abused. A few of my family members have been abused by an uncle. They have alot of problems because of it. But i can't remember ever being touched.

I guess my question is what are signs and symptoms that one has been sexually abused? Would i know if i have been abused as a child? Is he just using his knowledge of this history to direct the blame elsewhere?

I want to post about what this argument was about, i think it's pretty important, but i don't want to write a novel that noone will read, so i'm going to post it in the relationship conflicts forum, if anyone wants to check it out.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read.

needopinions · 04-18-2007, 11:40 AM

First of all, you BOTH need to STOP drinking...especially if you get so drunk that you don't remember MAJOR events like this. Second, I think you both need counselling...not just you. Constant fighting, abuse and memory loss are not a good mix for a healthy, happy relationship.

Maybe you need to fix yourselves first before you can have a relationship.

**BellaDonna** · 04-18-2007, 11:46 AM

Quote:

He wants me to talk to someone about my anger. He refuses to talk to someone about his because he says that his anger is directed at me, and not about something that happened in the past, he gets angry with me so he thinks his anger is ok.

This is ridiculous reasoning.

Even if you had been abused in the past- how would that make his anger "ok"? You mentioned that he's beat you up once before? -He does not think he needs help for that?

I'm sorry but he's manipluating you mentally and emotionally. He should not just go around suggesting that you've been sexually abused and pin all the relationship problems on that.

It sounds like you two are toxic to one another and would be far better off apart.

BellaDonna

sneaker · 04-18-2007, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SherriLi

When we fight after drinking...

You guys needs to quit drinking ASAP. Stay sober and see how things go.

agent · 04-18-2007, 12:07 PM

Quote:

I guess that just because he's been doing everything right for the past 2 monthes, that my flaws should be erased immediatly also

Two months is nothing.

Honestly, if I were you, I would get very far away from this man. He is abusive, and refuses to accept his own part in his behaviour, blaming you.

Your anger comes from the fact that he is physically and mentally abusive. Maybe you do have buried trauma, it does not take the burden away from him. It does not excuse him.

This relationship seems to bring out the worst in both of you, you need to stay away from the alcohol and seek some councelling.

SherriLi · 04-18-2007, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaDonna

This is ridiculous reasoning.

Even if you had been abused in the past- how would that make his anger "ok"? You mentioned that he's beat you up once before? -He does not think he needs help for that?

I'm sorry but he's manipluating you mentally and emotionally. He should not just go around suggesting that you've been sexually abused and pin all the relationship problems on that.

It sounds like you two are toxic to one another and would be far better off apart.

BellaDonna

Thank you Belladonna, i also thought that it was ridiculous. A great friend on another forum said the same thing. But the thing is, i want to get help for my anger regardless of wether or not he goes. I know that i can't make him go. So i'm not going to try. I've told him i think he should go to. I've pointed out why. He thinks i'm angry about something other than our problems. And him justifying his anger at me and the things that i say isn't right. I've also told him not to corner me and yell in my face, that it makes me want to run. He does it anyway and my anger intensifies.

Then i start insulting him and i feel closed in and want to leave the room and he pushes me back or stands at the entrance and wont let me through.

I know that i'd get the "we'd be better off without eachother" speech, i appreciate all the words that you have all taken the time to post. At this point, i am unhappy but i'm still in love with him. We've made it this far and i can't leave after we've made "some" progress. We both want to try harder.

I know that we've been drinking too much latelly. It has also been when these fights have broken out. When we are sober and have "tiffs" it's NOTHING like this. So yes, i will talk to him about us cutting back alot.

Thanks again for all your replies.

SherriLi · 04-18-2007, 12:23 PM

The thing that i can't wrap my head around, is what started this arguement.

I have done one thing that he disapproves of since he's moved back. I think that it's ridiculous (as do others) that he doesn't approve.

I have come to love a forum, it's a relationship forum (not a dating site) while he was living elsewhere. When he moved back i wanted to keep posting. So i told him about it, was open and gave him my username to show him that i had nothing to hide.

He was jealous. He hated that i even spoke to males on advice threads. It bugged him so bad that he started posting there, behind my back. I knew who he was RIGHT away and confronted him, he lied, but i had proof. He checks my posts everyday and gives me gruff about them... I don't get it.

Anyway last week he was posting back and forth with a female member, and he IMed me and asked where i thought she was today. I said i didn't know, and thought if i asked a question like that, that he'd sh*t bricks. I wanted to use this as an example of what he's been jealous about. Just to make him see that my postings were innocent and he was doing the same thing...

When i did he was mad and said that it was uncomparable, that my and my friends posts had "overtones????" and that was what he was jealous of.

I knew there was no way i was going to get through to him, so i apologized for upsetting him. When i got home he was still mad at me. I told him again that i was sorry, and asked what more i could do... he said nothing. We kept on arguing until my family came over... and the above post was the end result.

Just so you know, in the beginning, a few months ago, i told him i wouldn't go on that site anymore, i stayed off for a week, and he told me to go back on. That he's slowly coming to understand that it's not a bad thing.... but after i'd go on he'd get mad at me all over again... IDK,

Do you think it was wrong of me to make a comparison to make him see what i was posting was innocent? He can see all of my posts, and i would never post anything that i would "think" would make him angry.

Was this whole fight my fault? My anger? and nothing else?

Siriana · 04-18-2007, 12:46 PM

1. Leave him and never come back. His problems are his only. By staying you're only hurting yourself.
2. Ask for help about your problems

This situation is wrong and it will never improve.

SherriLi · 04-18-2007, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by syrix

1. Leave him and never come back. His problems are his only. By staying you're only hurting yourself.
2. Ask for help about your problems

This situation is wrong and it will never improve.

But don't you think that if i go to talk about my anger it will help our relationship? At least somewhat?

I know that i shouldn't be calling him ugly things, and if he didn't confine me and as he calls it "try to get me to hear him" but pushing me onto the bed, and not letting me leave the room, i don't think my anger would be as half as bad as it gets. But he keeps doing it, and i feel enclosed and clausterphobic and feel the need to get air. He won't let me and there fore i explode with anger. I know i have some part in our problems and i want to do somethign about it.

I just don't like being forced to talk to someone about it. He gave me the name of a Pastor that he wants me to see, he said he was going to call him too. I asked what for, and he said jus to let him know that i'm goingto call him... But he doesn't even know this man personally so i don't really get it.

He doesn't want me to see any of the councillor's in town, because the last time i went to see them, they were actually angry with him...... They confirmed that he was in the wrong with him pursuing his ex, with out my blessing especially after he left me for her in the beginning and then cheated on me with her...

It's easy to say leave him.... but it's so hard to do. My girls love him and he's been their father for 3 years, especially since their real father is too unstable to support them and be there for them.

CarnelianButterfly · 04-18-2007, 12:56 PM

He wants you to stop fighting back and control you.

Leave him NOW!

This relationship is very unhealthy and if you physically fight there is not going to be any good come of it.

2 months is hardly time to fix such deep rooted problems. He's being a baby because he doesn't have his way. The fact that he demanded you to apologize further shows he's still self centered. How did you get so bruised? Did he say he was sorry?

04-18-2007, 11:06 AM	#1
SherriLi Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 193	BF thinks i'm carrying a burden Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this gets long.. I really hope that you stick through and read it, for i REALLY need some input, thank you. I feel so empty, so exhausted from all of this. My bf and i had a painful past. He hurt me terribly, through cheating in the beginning with his ex, pursuing a friendship with her against my wishes after. He beat me up once ( I fought back). I stayed through all of this, and a painful abortion that we both regret. We broke up and he moved. We got back together right away and we LDRed it for a while. When he came back he came with 15 pictures of his ex that she sent him... This became an issue. He lied about how much contact they had through phone and email. I was very hurt by this, i regressed and it brought back all the pain that he put me through in the past with her. We fought and fought, I cried my eyes out one night, and he FINALLY seen the pain he put me through. He couldn't see it before because he was too wrapped up in himself and his wants... So he got rid of the pics, and promised to quit talking to her all together. He phoned and left a message on her machine in front of me and then gave me her numbers. We've been fighting about alot of things lately, and when we drink on the weekends, the fights get ALOT worse. I have an anger in me, I know that i'm still hurting for all the betrayal he's bestowed upon me, but he's been trying SO hard lately, he's been doing everything that he should have in the beginning. He doesn't understand why i'm the way i am. I guess that just because he's been doing everything right for the past 2 monthes, that my flaws should be erased immediatly also. Maybe he's right, maybe there's something else deep down inside that's making me so angry. When we fight after drinking, what ever it is that sets us off, leads to other past issues and i end up callling him all the names in the book ( that i don't remember). When we argue, i try to run away from it. I go to my bedroom and he follows and argues more. When i try to get away he pushes me back or won't let me leave the room. Last weekend, he said that i grabbed his throat, which i don't recall. He said we both fell... which i don't recall. I'm still sore everywhere. I counted sixteen bruises all over my arms legs and back. He has one above his eye. The next day he kept on yelling at me, i packed his bags and told him it was over. Then after a while he came into the bedroom and said "tell me your sorry" I told him i was sorry for calling him names that i didn't remember calling him. and for the bruise above his eye i don't recall giving him. He wants me to talk to someone about my anger. He refuses to talk to someone about his because he says that his anger is directed at me, and not about something that happened in the past, he gets angry with me so he thinks his anger is ok. He thinks that i have something horrible burried in my past that fuels my anger. There is a history of sexual abuse in my family. I don't remember being abused. A few of my family members have been abused by an uncle. They have alot of problems because of it. But i can't remember ever being touched. I guess my question is what are signs and symptoms that one has been sexually abused? Would i know if i have been abused as a child? Is he just using his knowledge of this history to direct the blame elsewhere? I want to post about what this argument was about, i think it's pretty important, but i don't want to write a novel that noone will read, so i'm going to post it in the relationship conflicts forum, if anyone wants to check it out. Thanks so much for taking the time to read.

04-18-2007, 12:23 PM	#7
SherriLi Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 193	What started this argument. The thing that i can't wrap my head around, is what started this arguement. I have done one thing that he disapproves of since he's moved back. I think that it's ridiculous (as do others) that he doesn't approve. I have come to love a forum, it's a relationship forum (not a dating site) while he was living elsewhere. When he moved back i wanted to keep posting. So i told him about it, was open and gave him my username to show him that i had nothing to hide. He was jealous. He hated that i even spoke to males on advice threads. It bugged him so bad that he started posting there, behind my back. I knew who he was RIGHT away and confronted him, he lied, but i had proof. He checks my posts everyday and gives me gruff about them... I don't get it. Anyway last week he was posting back and forth with a female member, and he IMed me and asked where i thought she was today. I said i didn't know, and thought if i asked a question like that, that he'd sht bricks. I wanted to use this as an example of what he's been jealous about. Just to make him see that my postings were innocent and he was doing the same thing... When i did he was mad and said that it was uncomparable, that my and my friends posts had "overtones????" and that was what he was jealous of. I knew there was no way i was going to get through to him, so i apologized for upsetting him. When i got home he was still mad at me. I told him again that i was sorry, and asked what more i could do... he said nothing. We kept on arguing until my family came over... and the above post was the end result. Just so you know, in the beginning, a few months ago, i told him i wouldn't go on that site anymore, i stayed off for a week, and he told me to go back on. That he's slowly coming to understand that it's not a bad thing.... but after i'd go on he'd get mad at me all over again... IDK, Do you think it was wrong of me to make a comparison to make him see what i was posting was innocent? He can see all of my posts, and i would never post anything that i would "think" would make him angry. Was this whole fight my fault? My anger? and nothing else? Last edited by SherriLi; 04-18-2007 at 12:26 PM.*

04-18-2007, 12:46 PM	#8
Siriana Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Europe Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 3,769	1. Leave him and never come back. His problems are his only. By staying you're only hurting yourself. 2. Ask for help about your problems This situation is wrong and it will never improve. __________________ Quid pro quo "Don't have any children or get married until you can support and love yourself first."

04-18-2007, 11:40 AM	#2
needopinions Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: canada Gender: Female Posts: 166	First of all, you BOTH need to STOP drinking...especially if you get so drunk that you don't remember MAJOR events like this. Second, I think you both need counselling...not just you. Constant fighting, abuse and memory loss are not a good mix for a healthy, happy relationship. Maybe you need to fix yourselves first before you can have a relationship.

04-18-2007, 12:56 PM	#10
CarnelianButterfly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Too far from home Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 4,473	He wants you to stop fighting back and control you. Leave him NOW! This relationship is very unhealthy and if you physically fight there is not going to be any good come of it. 2 months is hardly time to fix such deep rooted problems. He's being a baby because he doesn't have his way. The fact that he demanded you to apologize further shows he's still self centered. How did you get so bruised? Did he say he was sorry?