My teen daughter treats her boyfriend terrible

naturelover4life · 04-17-2007, 12:47 PM

My teen daughter treats her boyfriend terrible and now we fight about it all the time. Her boyfriend is a nice kid who cares about my daughter and treats her well. She in return verbally puts him down, doesn't support him in anything he does, pulls away if he tries to show her any affection, and it seems he can never say or do anything right.

I've tried to talk to her about how wrong it is to treat someone that way. She insists she loves him and is working on things, but nothing changes. He stays with her because he loves her and wants to work things out.

I can't stand it and I bring it to my daughters attention which always starts an argument between my daughter and I. She would like me to mind my own business and leave them alone. She can't tolerate my interference anymore.

I know if someone was treating my daughter the way she treats her boyfriend I would do whatever possible to put an end to it.

Should I just butt out?

RayKay · 04-17-2007, 12:54 PM

I think since you have talked to her, you do need to butt out now...and at least not cause more conflict between you two.

It is unfortunate, but she may need to learn her lesson the hard way when he finally does reach his breaking point. It might be better to talk to HIM and let him know he deserves better...but that may be a bad idea too.

I am afraid until she does learn it the hard way, she will keep doing it to him and others...

When you are a teen, these are lessons you often need to learn for yourself!

Momene · 04-17-2007, 12:54 PM

She treats him bad because she is able to do so. As someone with doormat tendencies myself, I feel unable to challenge anyone I see as having the power over me. I'm getting better but still got a long way to go.

If she ever split from him, she'll probably seek out another partner with whom she can do what she likes.

To remedy the situation, you're better off talking to him.

**BellaDonna** · 04-17-2007, 12:56 PM

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

Quote:

Should I just butt out?

As long as she is a teenager and you are her parent, I think it is perfectly acceptable that you would point out that her behavior is unhealthy and destructive. Verbal abuse is not something to be taken lightly and you are doing her a favor by trying to intervene. If she has an abusive personality it can cause a lot of trouble in her life.

Where do you think this is coming from? Try to get to the core of it with her- and ask her where she learned that behaving that way is "okay".

BellaDonna

kellbell · 04-17-2007, 12:56 PM

Hey there and welcome,

I would stay out of it. You both have said your piece, she knows how you feel. I know it is hard to stand by the sidelines and let this happen, as often people, teens especially, have to find out for themselves, the choices they make and the consequences that come along with their choices.

But I wonder, where is this coming from? Has she done this kind of thing before?

fnlyfrei · 04-17-2007, 01:00 PM

I have tried to talk to my son about mistakes HE makes/and is making in his relationship...he gives me advice from time to time...we both listen to one another, but she is going to have to learn, possibly the hard way, about how to treat people. I say you told her once, leave it alone now. Let the outcome be her teacher.

Goldfish6888 · 04-17-2007, 01:13 PM

You are her mother and therefore it is your right to speak your mind. She is now an adult (I'm guessing a teenager) and is now finding her independence, hence her telling you to leave her alone and butt out.

I would not be happy leaving my daughter to behave inappropriately to anyone - boy or girl! We as mothers (although I'm not one yet!) have to direct our children, show them in our behaviours and our words what is appropriate and what is not.

Remember that her anger towards her boyfriend is an emotion that could be expressing other feelings. For example:helplessness, hurt, frustration, confusion and guilt are often expressed as anger.

In helping young adults deal with their anger, the example we set is crucial. Like younger children, teens take their cues from us. Teens often like to bait their parents, so mothers and fathers who overreact can be drawn into a destructive pattern of pointless arguments. The last thing an out-of-control teen needs is an out-of-control parent!!

The way you talk is important. In the heat of argument, if you can't help "sounding off" about your teen's behaviour, do it without attacking his or her personality.

Start your sentences with the word 'I' followed by a statement of your feelings. "I don't like it when you use that kind of language towards x" or "I'm really upset when you take your anger out on him."

This way you will avoid laying blame. You are just telling her how it affects you! In other words, speak as you would be spoken to. The way you listen is important too. A more useful way to listen is by trying to understand what feelings lie behind your teen's actions or words. Your response should start with the word "you", as in

"You sound like you're pretty frustrated," or "You look like you're really fed up with your boyfriend." Do you want to talk about it? We all know how important it is to feel heard and understood, especially when we are upset. Remember that you should listen twice as much as you talk.

• Don't argue with her on how she treats this boyfriend. Instead, state your own case and speak from that. I have a different opinion," "This is what I believe," and "This is the way I see it."

• Don't talk down to your teenager. There's nothing more irritating than a condescending tone. I hated it!

• Don't lecture or preach. Again, this only provokes hostility. Besides, the average teenager goes "deaf" after hearing about five sentences!

• Do focus on the behaviour, not her!

• Do think ahead to what you will say and how you will say it.

• Do keep your messages clear and concise.

I Hope this helps.

naturelover4life · 04-17-2007, 01:28 PM

I'm so glad that I posted. I appreciate all the replies. Each of you had sound common sense advice that I will take to heart. Thank you again for taking the time to respond to a "unknowns" troubles.

Goldfish6888 · 04-17-2007, 01:36 PM

Post whenever you feel you need to...I'm sure someone will try and help you in the best way they know how!

None of us here on ENA are perfect ..but it sometimes helps when you're not in the situation to see the clearer picture!!

kellbell · 04-17-2007, 01:39 PM

Yes, please keep us informed. Hang in there, I cannot imagine what it is like raising a teenager!

04-17-2007, 12:47 PM	#1
naturelover4life Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: California Gender: Female Posts: 10	My teen daughter treats her boyfriend terrible My teen daughter treats her boyfriend terrible and now we fight about it all the time. Her boyfriend is a nice kid who cares about my daughter and treats her well. She in return verbally puts him down, doesn't support him in anything he does, pulls away if he tries to show her any affection, and it seems he can never say or do anything right. I've tried to talk to her about how wrong it is to treat someone that way. She insists she loves him and is working on things, but nothing changes. He stays with her because he loves her and wants to work things out. I can't stand it and I bring it to my daughters attention which always starts an argument between my daughter and I. She would like me to mind my own business and leave them alone. She can't tolerate my interference anymore. I know if someone was treating my daughter the way she treats her boyfriend I would do whatever possible to put an end to it. Should I just butt out?

04-17-2007, 12:54 PM	#2
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	I think since you have talked to her, you do need to butt out now...and at least not cause more conflict between you two. It is unfortunate, but she may need to learn her lesson the hard way when he finally does reach his breaking point. It might be better to talk to HIM and let him know he deserves better...but that may be a bad idea too. I am afraid until she does learn it the hard way, she will keep doing it to him and others... When you are a teen, these are lessons you often need to learn for yourself! __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

04-17-2007, 12:56 PM	#5
kellbell Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 4,333	Hey there and welcome, I would stay out of it. You both have said your piece, she knows how you feel. I know it is hard to stand by the sidelines and let this happen, as often people, teens especially, have to find out for themselves, the choices they make and the consequences that come along with their choices. But I wonder, where is this coming from? Has she done this kind of thing before? __________________ "Let your soul be your pilot, let your soul guide you, it will guide you well." Sting <---- me and my mom :) "Get busy living or get busy dyin', damn right..." Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.

04-17-2007, 01:28 PM	#8
naturelover4life Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: California Gender: Female Posts: 10	Thank-you I'm so glad that I posted. I appreciate all the replies. Each of you had sound common sense advice that I will take to heart. Thank you again for taking the time to respond to a "unknowns" troubles.

04-17-2007, 01:39 PM	#10
kellbell Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 4,333	Yes, please keep us informed. Hang in there, I cannot imagine what it is like raising a teenager! __________________ "Let your soul be your pilot, let your soul guide you, it will guide you well." Sting <---- me and my mom :) "Get busy living or get busy dyin', damn right..." Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.

04-17-2007, 12:54 PM	#3
Momene Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Wiltshire Gender: Male Posts: 3,498	She treats him bad because she is able to do so. As someone with doormat tendencies myself, I feel unable to challenge anyone I see as having the power over me. I'm getting better but still got a long way to go. If she ever split from him, she'll probably seek out another partner with whom she can do what she likes. To remedy the situation, you're better off talking to him.

04-17-2007, 01:00 PM	#6
fnlyfrei Offline Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Posts: 1,585	I have tried to talk to my son about mistakes HE makes/and is making in his relationship...he gives me advice from time to time...we both listen to one another, but she is going to have to learn, possibly the hard way, about how to treat people. I say you told her once, leave it alone now. Let the outcome be her teacher.

04-17-2007, 01:13 PM	#7
Goldfish6888 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Europe Gender: Female Posts: 473	You are her mother and therefore it is your right to speak your mind. She is now an adult (I'm guessing a teenager) and is now finding her independence, hence her telling you to leave her alone and butt out. I would not be happy leaving my daughter to behave inappropriately to anyone - boy or girl! We as mothers (although I'm not one yet!) have to direct our children, show them in our behaviours and our words what is appropriate and what is not. Remember that her anger towards her boyfriend is an emotion that could be expressing other feelings. For example:helplessness, hurt, frustration, confusion and guilt are often expressed as anger. In helping young adults deal with their anger, the example we set is crucial. Like younger children, teens take their cues from us. Teens often like to bait their parents, so mothers and fathers who overreact can be drawn into a destructive pattern of pointless arguments. The last thing an out-of-control teen needs is an out-of-control parent!! The way you talk is important. In the heat of argument, if you can't help "sounding off" about your teen's behaviour, do it without attacking his or her personality. Start your sentences with the word 'I' followed by a statement of your feelings. "I don't like it when you use that kind of language towards x" or "I'm really upset when you take your anger out on him." This way you will avoid laying blame. You are just telling her how it affects you! In other words, speak as you would be spoken to. The way you listen is important too. A more useful way to listen is by trying to understand what feelings lie behind your teen's actions or words. Your response should start with the word "you", as in "You sound like you're pretty frustrated," or "You look like you're really fed up with your boyfriend." Do you want to talk about it? We all know how important it is to feel heard and understood, especially when we are upset. Remember that you should listen twice as much as you talk. • Don't argue with her on how she treats this boyfriend. Instead, state your own case and speak from that. I have a different opinion," "This is what I believe," and "This is the way I see it." • Don't talk down to your teenager. There's nothing more irritating than a condescending tone. I hated it! • Don't lecture or preach. Again, this only provokes hostility. Besides, the average teenager goes "deaf" after hearing about five sentences! • Do focus on the behaviour, not her! • Do think ahead to what you will say and how you will say it. • Do keep your messages clear and concise. I Hope this helps.

04-17-2007, 01:36 PM	#9
Goldfish6888 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Europe Gender: Female Posts: 473	Post whenever you feel you need to...I'm sure someone will try and help you in the best way they know how! None of us here on ENA are perfect ..but it sometimes helps when you're not in the situation to see the clearer picture!!