complicated situation, would really appreciate your thoughts...

confused12345 · 04-16-2007, 02:13 PM

hi everyone,
posted a message hear before at a really low moment, though don't feel comfortable having so much information online anymore

TheFoglifter · 04-16-2007, 02:22 PM

I think you need to get out there and meet some new people.

I know that if I was going through things like this, I would want to be even closer to my gf, but I also know that some people think the opposite way. If he is the type to isolate himself when things go wrong, then you can only be "so" available to him before he needs to make his decision.

Whether he is or is not cheating is irrelevant at this point since you've already ended things. There are some people for whom actions speak louder than words, and forgetting your birthday and/or blowing you off speaks volumes.

People make time for that which is important. If he wanted to contact you, he'd contact you.

I think you should just get involved in other social circles, focus on your exams, and be happy with who you are. While in university, you have plenty of opportunities to meet others your age. It only gets harder when you are out in the world working most of your hours.

confused12345 · 04-16-2007, 02:35 PM

thanks...i wish it was that simple. i'm happy in myself and have spent the last few months doing a lot of healing, going out, doing new things and meeting new people etc. now things are slowly down quite a lot because i'm spending the next few months working solidly, but thats not really the problem.

i think what i keep asking myself is do i contact him now, confront him about why he didn't acknowledge my birthday, or wait until after exams and give him some more time so by that time he might be able to talk about things.

i think at the moment he might be completely shut down. its really bad timing, i can't afford to be emotionally vulnerable because of work and hes in the same situation, but im not sure i can pend another 8 weeks trying to shut down my emotions and focusing on work. also im not the kind of person who can throw themselves into academic work - if i'm upset at all it means i can't concentrate :S

Jayar · 04-16-2007, 02:46 PM

He's clearly not into you. It's like you post the thing about him soliciting sex, but choose to ignore it?! Red flag number one. Then he disappears on you?! Twice?! Red flags two and three... Ignoring your birthday? Well, if you had been together it would be even bigger of a red flag, but since he was long gone before your b-day rolled around, it should instead be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

He doesn't "just" need time and space. It's over. Period.

Best of luck moving on!

TheFoglifter · 04-16-2007, 02:50 PM

I empathize with you -- I too can hardly concentrate if I am fixated on my gf's unhappiness. On days when we have a fight, I'm pretty well worthless until I have some assurance that things are better.

The only exception is when I really and truly do immerse myself in something and lose focus on the doubt. I know it seems impossible, but its actually very simple. The only way to believe that it works is to believe that it works. Paradoxical as that seems, it is also rock solid logic.

I also have been faced many times with the "contact/no contact" decision. When my gf is upset, I know its best to let HER come to ME. Sometimes when I contact her (normally after I've stewed so much I just need to hear ANYTHING) it turns out better than I expected. Other times, contacting her just re-energizes her anger, and prolongs the situation. The only difference is that AFTER I contact her, I know which one it was.

So if the suspense is killing you, you can break down and contact him. But think about how you will feel if you do NOT get the reassurance you crave. You will still be upset that things are bad, but you will not have the hope that things have progressed, and it will just be longer that you have to wait.

Perhaps the sooner you start breaking yourself of the cycle, the better off you'll be.

ghost69 · 04-16-2007, 03:38 PM

if i was going through a lot, i would want my chick around as much as possible to help me through it. if i really cared about her.

TheFoglifter · 04-16-2007, 04:09 PM

Ghost, as I said, some people are just the opposite. They isolate themselves as a coping mechanism. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't love the people around them.

bigheart09 · 04-16-2007, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheFoglifter

Ghost, as I said, some people are just the opposite. They isolate themselves as a coping mechanism. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't love the people around them.

I can understand this, but ignoring her for weeks on end...that is just rude.

Batya33 · 04-16-2007, 04:27 PM

Here's the question - are you going to settle for someone who loves you as in says he loves you and perhaps feels that he loves you or do you deserve someone who believes that loving is action - loving is giving - and that soliciting sex on a web site, being unreliable, disappearing, ignoring you is not showing love. It is showing selfishness, apathy or perhaps dislike/distrust of you, it could be showing signs of his depression or other problems but I think you'll agree that that is not showing loving actions towards you.

Watch the feet - what he does -- not the lips -- what he says. Heck, watch what he says on those web sites.

The only thing that is confusing here is you - for some reason you don't believe you deserve someone who is reliable and loyal and believe that you should remain committed to someone in a romantic relationship who does not treat you with respect.
Rather, if you truly want to help this person, refer him to an appropriate professional or counselor -- you're not helping him by continuing to treat yourself like a doormat and let him see how little you regard yourself. That's done for you - perhaps out of fear of being alone - but if you want to be there for him and simultaneously respect yourself, tell him that you will help him find appropriate help but that you care for yourself too much to be treated with disrespect.

If the way he shows love is by isolating himself and disrespecting you, you need to decide whether that is healthy for you - sounds like it's not. If it were, you would feel comfortable with "but he loves me!" and not care about the disrespectful treatment, right?

That's what I would do, anyway.

ghost69 · 04-16-2007, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheFoglifter

Ghost, as I said, some people are just the opposite. They isolate themselves as a coping mechanism. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't love the people around them.

so when you get married, it's okay for your husband/wife to disappear for weeks? what if you have kids, etc? not cool.

all i'm saying is if the person took off on me for that long, i'd be out finding another gf. i understand some people are different in how they handle their feelings. isolation or not, not a person for me.

04-16-2007, 02:13 PM	#1
confused12345 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 11	complicated situation, would really appreciate your thoughts... hi everyone, posted a message hear before at a really low moment, though don't feel comfortable having so much information online anymore Last edited by confused12345; 04-16-2007 at 05:25 PM. Reason: changed mind about having so much information on here

04-16-2007, 02:46 PM	#4
Jayar Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 2,378	He's clearly not into you. It's like you post the thing about him soliciting sex, but choose to ignore it?! Red flag number one. Then he disappears on you?! Twice?! Red flags two and three... Ignoring your birthday? Well, if you had been together it would be even bigger of a red flag, but since he was long gone before your b-day rolled around, it should instead be the straw that breaks the camel's back. He doesn't "just" need time and space. It's over. Period. Best of luck moving on! __________________ Jayar

04-16-2007, 03:38 PM	#6
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,424	if i was going through a lot, i would want my chick around as much as possible to help me through it. if i really cared about her. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

04-16-2007, 02:22 PM	#2
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	I think you need to get out there and meet some new people. I know that if I was going through things like this, I would want to be even closer to my gf, but I also know that some people think the opposite way. If he is the type to isolate himself when things go wrong, then you can only be "so" available to him before he needs to make his decision. Whether he is or is not cheating is irrelevant at this point since you've already ended things. There are some people for whom actions speak louder than words, and forgetting your birthday and/or blowing you off speaks volumes. People make time for that which is important. If he wanted to contact you, he'd contact you. I think you should just get involved in other social circles, focus on your exams, and be happy with who you are. While in university, you have plenty of opportunities to meet others your age. It only gets harder when you are out in the world working most of your hours.

04-16-2007, 02:35 PM	#3
confused12345 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 11	thanks...i wish it was that simple. i'm happy in myself and have spent the last few months doing a lot of healing, going out, doing new things and meeting new people etc. now things are slowly down quite a lot because i'm spending the next few months working solidly, but thats not really the problem. i think what i keep asking myself is do i contact him now, confront him about why he didn't acknowledge my birthday, or wait until after exams and give him some more time so by that time he might be able to talk about things. i think at the moment he might be completely shut down. its really bad timing, i can't afford to be emotionally vulnerable because of work and hes in the same situation, but im not sure i can pend another 8 weeks trying to shut down my emotions and focusing on work. also im not the kind of person who can throw themselves into academic work - if i'm upset at all it means i can't concentrate :S

04-16-2007, 02:50 PM	#5
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	I empathize with you -- I too can hardly concentrate if I am fixated on my gf's unhappiness. On days when we have a fight, I'm pretty well worthless until I have some assurance that things are better. The only exception is when I really and truly do immerse myself in something and lose focus on the doubt. I know it seems impossible, but its actually very simple. The only way to believe that it works is to believe that it works. Paradoxical as that seems, it is also rock solid logic. I also have been faced many times with the "contact/no contact" decision. When my gf is upset, I know its best to let HER come to ME. Sometimes when I contact her (normally after I've stewed so much I just need to hear ANYTHING) it turns out better than I expected. Other times, contacting her just re-energizes her anger, and prolongs the situation. The only difference is that AFTER I contact her, I know which one it was. So if the suspense is killing you, you can break down and contact him. But think about how you will feel if you do NOT get the reassurance you crave. You will still be upset that things are bad, but you will not have the hope that things have progressed, and it will just be longer that you have to wait. Perhaps the sooner you start breaking yourself of the cycle, the better off you'll be.

04-16-2007, 04:09 PM	#7
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	Ghost, as I said, some people are just the opposite. They isolate themselves as a coping mechanism. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't love the people around them.

04-16-2007, 04:27 PM	#9
Batya33 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,062	Here's the question - are you going to settle for someone who loves you as in says he loves you and perhaps feels that he loves you or do you deserve someone who believes that loving is action - loving is giving - and that soliciting sex on a web site, being unreliable, disappearing, ignoring you is not showing love. It is showing selfishness, apathy or perhaps dislike/distrust of you, it could be showing signs of his depression or other problems but I think you'll agree that that is not showing loving actions towards you. Watch the feet - what he does -- not the lips -- what he says. Heck, watch what he says on those web sites. The only thing that is confusing here is you - for some reason you don't believe you deserve someone who is reliable and loyal and believe that you should remain committed to someone in a romantic relationship who does not treat you with respect. Rather, if you truly want to help this person, refer him to an appropriate professional or counselor -- you're not helping him by continuing to treat yourself like a doormat and let him see how little you regard yourself. That's done for you - perhaps out of fear of being alone - but if you want to be there for him and simultaneously respect yourself, tell him that you will help him find appropriate help but that you care for yourself too much to be treated with disrespect. If the way he shows love is by isolating himself and disrespecting you, you need to decide whether that is healthy for you - sounds like it's not. If it were, you would feel comfortable with "but he loves me!" and not care about the disrespectful treatment, right? That's what I would do, anyway.