I don't know what to think...

ayekasong · 04-15-2007, 12:31 AM

Hey enotalone! It has been a long time since I posted, but I really need some opinions.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. About 3 of these years were done long distance, including a year I spent overseas. Now we are seperated by about 100 miles. I tried very hard to move into his city, but I could not get a job there, and I got a really nice offer in a nearby city. He is very happy with his job and does not wish to move.

The problem is that I think he is no longer in love with me. Around Christmas last year, things were awesome. I actually thought he might pop the question... but he didn't. That is okay, but I attempted to have some discussion with him regarding whether or not he thought we would end up married. After 5 years, I would assume a person would know this. However, he kept telling me he "didn't know" and offered a variety of excuses as to why he didn't know. Of course I was crushed, but I tried not to push as we are both still fairly young. The more I thought about it though, the more I didn't understand why his answer was "I don't know" as opposed to "yes, after I get a little more settled" or something along those lines.

Now, 5 months later, he has become very distant. I don't think it is because of our "future" discussion as we have had such talks before and he has never been one to freak out about the possibility of marriage. I decided to back off a bit and give him some space - even though we only see each other once every few weeks. I am constantly the one who initiates contact, through phone calls or e-mail, so I decided to give him a chance to initiate the contact.

Previously, he had given me excuses such as "my days are all the same," for why he doesn't call just to say hi. I know men aren't as attached to the phone as women tend to be, but most men I know will at least attempt to call or even text their girlfriends once a day. He hasn't really talked about us moving closer together and when I broach the subject he says "yea that would be nice," and nothing more. When he started pulling away, I asked him if he wanted to take a break, and he got very upset and posessive of me, so I just kind of let it go. Many of my friends have said that I should move on because of his neglect, and I sometimes feel like he is just holding on to me because there isn't another girl he has in mind to go to.

I hadn't heard from him at all for the past 2 weeks - no phone calls, no e-mails, letters, anything. When he didn't call me on the Easter holiday, I was extremely upset since he always made sure we spoke on the holidays. I had pretty much assumed that he was ready to break up with me and had started preparing myself for it - when he called me this evening, like nothing could have been wrong. He told me he didn't call because he just assumed I would call and he that he wanted to come over next weekend.

Now I am second guessing myself - did I mess something up? Should I have called him? Was I just getting upset over nothing? Should I just give this another chance? I love the guy, but we both need to do what's best for ourselves too... I just don't know what to think and I feel so confused. Any thoughts?

DoorMouse · 04-15-2007, 02:34 AM

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I think you answered your own query. With him becoming distant that suggests that he might not be interesting in continuing the relationship but can't find a nice way to break it off. Some people just think relationships will go away if they ignore them long enough. With him having commitment issues that tells me that maybe he just isn't mentally ready to "grow up". I hope this helps.

ghost69 · 04-16-2007, 03:22 PM

maybe you are a bit pushy and he isn't ready. i would distance myself too.

ayekasong · 04-16-2007, 06:28 PM

DoorMouse: Yes, I am pretty sure you are right, I have been suspecting that he has lost interest in the relationship for a while now.

ghost: I don't really think I am being pushy, as I drop the subject if it makes him uncomfortable, but I suppose he could be percieving me that way. In any case, I really think I've gotten my answer about what he wants since didn't call me for two weeks.

ghost69 · 04-16-2007, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ayekasong

DoorMouse: Yes, I am pretty sure you are right, I have been suspecting that he has lost interest in the relationship for a while now.

ghost: I don't really think I am being pushy, as I drop the subject if it makes him uncomfortable, but I suppose he could be percieving me that way. In any case, I really think I've gotten my answer about what he wants since didn't call me for two weeks.

i understand you drop the subject. but how many times does it come up?

anggrace · 04-16-2007, 07:19 PM

After 5 years, I would of asked the same question. It definatly sounds like he's trying to slip away. 2 weeks is a long time. Are you okay with all of this space?

04-15-2007, 12:31 AM	#1
ayekasong Offline Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Wisconsin Age: 27 Posts: 564	I don't know what to think... Hey enotalone! It has been a long time since I posted, but I really need some opinions. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. About 3 of these years were done long distance, including a year I spent overseas. Now we are seperated by about 100 miles. I tried very hard to move into his city, but I could not get a job there, and I got a really nice offer in a nearby city. He is very happy with his job and does not wish to move. The problem is that I think he is no longer in love with me. Around Christmas last year, things were awesome. I actually thought he might pop the question... but he didn't. That is okay, but I attempted to have some discussion with him regarding whether or not he thought we would end up married. After 5 years, I would assume a person would know this. However, he kept telling me he "didn't know" and offered a variety of excuses as to why he didn't know. Of course I was crushed, but I tried not to push as we are both still fairly young. The more I thought about it though, the more I didn't understand why his answer was "I don't know" as opposed to "yes, after I get a little more settled" or something along those lines. Now, 5 months later, he has become very distant. I don't think it is because of our "future" discussion as we have had such talks before and he has never been one to freak out about the possibility of marriage. I decided to back off a bit and give him some space - even though we only see each other once every few weeks. I am constantly the one who initiates contact, through phone calls or e-mail, so I decided to give him a chance to initiate the contact. Previously, he had given me excuses such as "my days are all the same," for why he doesn't call just to say hi. I know men aren't as attached to the phone as women tend to be, but most men I know will at least attempt to call or even text their girlfriends once a day. He hasn't really talked about us moving closer together and when I broach the subject he says "yea that would be nice," and nothing more. When he started pulling away, I asked him if he wanted to take a break, and he got very upset and posessive of me, so I just kind of let it go. Many of my friends have said that I should move on because of his neglect, and I sometimes feel like he is just holding on to me because there isn't another girl he has in mind to go to. I hadn't heard from him at all for the past 2 weeks - no phone calls, no e-mails, letters, anything. When he didn't call me on the Easter holiday, I was extremely upset since he always made sure we spoke on the holidays. I had pretty much assumed that he was ready to break up with me and had started preparing myself for it - when he called me this evening, like nothing could have been wrong. He told me he didn't call because he just assumed I would call and he that he wanted to come over next weekend. Now I am second guessing myself - did I mess something up? Should I have called him? Was I just getting upset over nothing? Should I just give this another chance? I love the guy, but we both need to do what's best for ourselves too... I just don't know what to think and I feel so confused. Any thoughts? __________________ Those things in life that are worth doing are never easy.

04-15-2007, 02:34 AM	#2
DoorMouse Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Yuma, Arizona Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 112	I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I think you answered your own query. With him becoming distant that suggests that he might not be interesting in continuing the relationship but can't find a nice way to break it off. Some people just think relationships will go away if they ignore them long enough. With him having commitment issues that tells me that maybe he just isn't mentally ready to "grow up". I hope this helps. __________________ What seems wonderful today, may not be what you want tomorrow.

04-16-2007, 03:22 PM	#3
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,434	maybe you are a bit pushy and he isn't ready. i would distance myself too. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

04-16-2007, 06:28 PM	#4
ayekasong Offline Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Wisconsin Age: 27 Posts: 564	DoorMouse: Yes, I am pretty sure you are right, I have been suspecting that he has lost interest in the relationship for a while now. ghost: I don't really think I am being pushy, as I drop the subject if it makes him uncomfortable, but I suppose he could be percieving me that way. In any case, I really think I've gotten my answer about what he wants since didn't call me for two weeks. __________________ Those things in life that are worth doing are never easy.

04-16-2007, 07:19 PM	#6
anggrace Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 1,882	After 5 years, I would of asked the same question. It definatly sounds like he's trying to slip away. 2 weeks is a long time. Are you okay with all of this space?