He doesn't really follow through, but thinks he does....

freeindeed · 04-13-2007, 01:50 PM

I'm not sure if I'm posting this for advice, or just to vent, but I would love some responses or insights if any.

My boyfriend is constantly saying that he'll do things and then just never follows through. I'll give him a little reminder (not nagging at all, just casually mentioning it and then letting it go), and he always says he'll do it, but then doesn't get around to it. Now, I'd understand if he was extremely busy and couldn't get to it...but he texts me throughout the day (while I'm at my full-time job) telling me he's bored and doesn't know what to do with himself.

What makes it worse is that he brags about how he always keeps his promises and always follows through on what he says he's going to do...yet, I haven't seen him exemplify this at all.

Is there anything I can do without hurting his ego?

RayKay · 04-13-2007, 02:34 PM

This is a pretty new relationship, isn't it?

If yes, I would take this as a warning sign....those whom need to "brag the most" about their strengths in an area tend to also be the worst in that area in my experience! If he really was so good at following through, you would be able to see it with action, not with him boasting about it.

There seem to be a lot of issues lately with such a new relationship honestly, and I am not sure whether so many issues so early on is a good thing at all!

Now, I am not sure what these "things" he says he will do are, and how big or little they are, or relate to you at all.....but I don't think there is much you can do honestly; this may be a character trait of his that will probably irritate you more as time goes on and he "forgets to do" even bigger things.

shikashika · 04-13-2007, 03:03 PM

^^^^ so true about people who brag about their good qualities Raykay Usually its because they have been reminded before that they are not so good at these things that makes them say this.

I call it the 'nice guy' syndrome.

how many guys do I hear say "oh but I'm a nice guy... I'm a nice guy"

Nice guys do not say "I'm a nice guy! To me, this is clearly a case of someone at one point saying they are NOT nice... and he has to tell you he's nice just in case you did not figure that out from his actions!

Telling someone "I'm nice' doesn't prove anything... they have to ACT it.

This is the way this guy sounds a bout "I always keep my promises'

Raykay is right, he may forget little things now.. but how will you feel if he starts to forget the big things?

Boughs · 04-13-2007, 03:16 PM

What about when a guy says "i'm not a nice guy" ?

ghost69 · 04-13-2007, 04:16 PM

im a nice guy. so i guess i'm not cause i said that?

henry rollins says it best in his liar song "...and i'll keep lying.....i promise."

shikashika · 04-14-2007, 03:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghost69

im a nice guy. so i guess i'm not cause i said that?

henry rollins says it best in his liar song "...and i'll keep lying.....i promise."

yeah but you don't need to TELL anyone.

Nice guys and girls don't go around saying "I'm nice... really I am... really..."

doyathink · 04-14-2007, 04:07 AM

My experience is....when they tell you who they are by their actions....listen, and believe them. Don't always listen to what a person says....listen to what their telling you in their actions as well.

I've had this exact same problem in my marriage...hasn't changed for 8 years.

BeStrongBeHappy · 04-14-2007, 01:41 PM

Maybe his ego needs to be hurt... by that i mean, he seems to have a high opinion of himself, taking credit for things he doesn't do...

but this is probably who he is, so don't ignore what you see. you perhaps need to be very blunt with him, and if he says he will do something and doesn't, then call him on it. ask him why he didn't do it, and why he keeps saying he will when he doesn't.

you might end up with someone who wants the world (and his partner) to take care of life's little chores for him, while he gets to keep his image of himself as a doer rather than a taker.

he's not a child, and if he can't take responsibility for himself and make commitments, you have a larger problem there, and need to negotiate this with him openly, or recognize you will spend your life with him taking care of things, while he takes the credit for it.

amy99roo · 04-14-2007, 11:11 PM

Dated a guy who had zero follow through. Always made plans and had ideas for great things we could do. When we both had the time to do some of these things he never felt like it. It became a serious problem and we ended up having serious issues...partly because "I made him do things he didn't want to do." Things that he had suggested we do in the first place.

Turns out the guy had serious commitment issues.

TheFoglifter · 04-16-2007, 11:56 AM

You better make ABSOLUTELY sure that the scoreboard is as bleak as you say it is, and you better have an absolutely thorough and immaculate list of evidence to back it up.

I know I've accused my gf of falling behind once or twice, only to be "reminded" of many things I had either forgotten, or had not weighted as significantly as she did. I have also BEEN the one to be accused of not following through on one stupid tiny little thing because I WAS FOCUSING ON THE OTHER TWELVE THINGS YOU NAGGED ME ABOUT.

The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but if those other wheels weren't pulling their weight, the cart wouldn't go anywhere.

Now if he really and truly doesn't follow through on anything at all ever, you definitely have a bigger problem on your hands. You need to evaluate whether you can tolerate the way he is now, because once you believe he is failing, you will only see failure.

I call this the 95/5 rule. Gf and I fight about dish cleanliness a lot. Lets say I used to get it right 50% of the time. Then I improved to 60, 70, 80, 90, and now 95% of the time.

Unfortunately, that 5% of the time I get it wrong COMPLETELY overshadows the 95% of the time I get it right. I feel resentful because I am not given ANY praise for that 95%, and it makes me feel like I shouldn't bother.

Case in point -- its easy to notice what is wrong when so many other things are right.

So here is what you need to do.

1) Evaluate the situation -- look at things big and small. Some people are bad at small things, but always come through when it counts. Some people are also extremely disproportionate when it comes to what they value.

2a) If you determine that he IS okay, and just needs slight improvement, make sure you start complimenting him on the things he IS getting right. I swear it will not surprise me at all if you attack him for forgetting only to discover (as he seems to already assert) that he believes he is already working hard.

2b) If you determine that he is NOT up to par, then you have to have a serious discussion about your expectations. You may be shocked to discover that he is completely unaware of some of the things you expect. This may be because he has missed signals, or it may be because you didn't communicate them.

Hammer out what you each want, and keep positive.

Best of luck.

04-13-2007, 01:50 PM	#1
freeindeed Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Redding, CA Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 376	He doesn't really follow through, but thinks he does.... I'm not sure if I'm posting this for advice, or just to vent, but I would love some responses or insights if any. My boyfriend is constantly saying that he'll do things and then just never follows through. I'll give him a little reminder (not nagging at all, just casually mentioning it and then letting it go), and he always says he'll do it, but then doesn't get around to it. Now, I'd understand if he was extremely busy and couldn't get to it...but he texts me throughout the day (while I'm at my full-time job) telling me he's bored and doesn't know what to do with himself. What makes it worse is that he brags about how he always keeps his promises and always follows through on what he says he's going to do...yet, I haven't seen him exemplify this at all. Is there anything I can do without hurting his ego?

04-13-2007, 02:34 PM	#2
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	This is a pretty new relationship, isn't it? If yes, I would take this as a warning sign....those whom need to "brag the most" about their strengths in an area tend to also be the worst in that area in my experience! If he really was so good at following through, you would be able to see it with action, not with him boasting about it. There seem to be a lot of issues lately with such a new relationship honestly, and I am not sure whether so many issues so early on is a good thing at all! Now, I am not sure what these "things" he says he will do are, and how big or little they are, or relate to you at all.....but I don't think there is much you can do honestly; this may be a character trait of his that will probably irritate you more as time goes on and he "forgets to do" even bigger things. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

04-13-2007, 04:16 PM	#5
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,424	im a nice guy. so i guess i'm not cause i said that? henry rollins says it best in his liar song "...and i'll keep lying.....i promise." __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

04-14-2007, 04:07 AM	#7
doyathink Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Venus Gender: Female Posts: 5,308	My experience is....when they tell you who they are by their actions....listen, and believe them. Don't always listen to what a person says....listen to what their telling you in their actions as well. I've had this exact same problem in my marriage...hasn't changed for 8 years. __________________ When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

04-13-2007, 03:03 PM	#3
shikashika Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 5,299	^^^^ so true about people who brag about their good qualities Raykay Usually its because they have been reminded before that they are not so good at these things that makes them say this. I call it the 'nice guy' syndrome. how many guys do I hear say "oh but I'm a nice guy... I'm a nice guy" Nice guys do not say "I'm a nice guy! To me, this is clearly a case of someone at one point saying they are NOT nice... and he has to tell you he's nice just in case you did not figure that out from his actions! Telling someone "I'm nice' doesn't prove anything... they have to ACT it. This is the way this guy sounds a bout "I always keep my promises' Raykay is right, he may forget little things now.. but how will you feel if he starts to forget the big things?

04-13-2007, 03:16 PM	#4
Boughs Offline Gold Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 737	What about when a guy says "i'm not a nice guy" ?

04-14-2007, 01:41 PM	#8
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	Maybe his ego needs to be hurt... by that i mean, he seems to have a high opinion of himself, taking credit for things he doesn't do... but this is probably who he is, so don't ignore what you see. you perhaps need to be very blunt with him, and if he says he will do something and doesn't, then call him on it. ask him why he didn't do it, and why he keeps saying he will when he doesn't. you might end up with someone who wants the world (and his partner) to take care of life's little chores for him, while he gets to keep his image of himself as a doer rather than a taker. he's not a child, and if he can't take responsibility for himself and make commitments, you have a larger problem there, and need to negotiate this with him openly, or recognize you will spend your life with him taking care of things, while he takes the credit for it.

04-14-2007, 11:11 PM	#9
amy99roo Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Chicago Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 39	Dated a guy who had zero follow through. Always made plans and had ideas for great things we could do. When we both had the time to do some of these things he never felt like it. It became a serious problem and we ended up having serious issues...partly because "I made him do things he didn't want to do." Things that he had suggested we do in the first place. Turns out the guy had serious commitment issues.

04-16-2007, 11:56 AM	#10
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	You better make ABSOLUTELY sure that the scoreboard is as bleak as you say it is, and you better have an absolutely thorough and immaculate list of evidence to back it up. I know I've accused my gf of falling behind once or twice, only to be "reminded" of many things I had either forgotten, or had not weighted as significantly as she did. I have also BEEN the one to be accused of not following through on one stupid tiny little thing because I WAS FOCUSING ON THE OTHER TWELVE THINGS YOU NAGGED ME ABOUT. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but if those other wheels weren't pulling their weight, the cart wouldn't go anywhere. Now if he really and truly doesn't follow through on anything at all ever, you definitely have a bigger problem on your hands. You need to evaluate whether you can tolerate the way he is now, because once you believe he is failing, you will only see failure. I call this the 95/5 rule. Gf and I fight about dish cleanliness a lot. Lets say I used to get it right 50% of the time. Then I improved to 60, 70, 80, 90, and now 95% of the time. Unfortunately, that 5% of the time I get it wrong COMPLETELY overshadows the 95% of the time I get it right. I feel resentful because I am not given ANY praise for that 95%, and it makes me feel like I shouldn't bother. Case in point -- its easy to notice what is wrong when so many other things are right. So here is what you need to do. 1) Evaluate the situation -- look at things big and small. Some people are bad at small things, but always come through when it counts. Some people are also extremely disproportionate when it comes to what they value. 2a) If you determine that he IS okay, and just needs slight improvement, make sure you start complimenting him on the things he IS getting right. I swear it will not surprise me at all if you attack him for forgetting only to discover (as he seems to already assert) that he believes he is already working hard. 2b) If you determine that he is NOT up to par, then you have to have a serious discussion about your expectations. You may be shocked to discover that he is completely unaware of some of the things you expect. This may be because he has missed signals, or it may be because you didn't communicate them. Hammer out what you each want, and keep positive. Best of luck.