simple problem

Budman · 04-12-2007, 12:21 PM

Hi all, well I guess I'm writing this in a few ways to get this off my chest.

I'm currently engaged to my pregnant fiance (she's carrying my child), overall my past posts I may have discussed about this before.

Anyway, recently it's been coming in to my mind about how "poorly" she treats me, granted I put "" simply because maybe I'm being subjective.

Some examples are:

She will get mad sometimes when I state "I have to work tomorrow I need to get to sleep" (I probably said it in an annoyed voice), this happened last night.

I will be trying to go to sleep, and she'll leave the light on/tv/music even if I ask her not to, (and refuses to go to another room). She'll get mad if I go to sleep in another room too.

I feel that I do everything, and she doesn't pick up the slack really. I'll be doing laundry (for almost every night of the week), she'll come home and watch tv, or want to spend time with me (which I like but at the same time I wouldn't mind some help).

She gets mad at me when maybe one night a week I will sit at the computer (and kind of ignore her, basically I listen but don't seem interested). IT just seems that all I do is run for her (to get food, to take her here, to help her buy this), and it seems nothing I do will bring her mood up.

She chose to move in with me and my dad, and we're around 1.5-2 hours away from her home town, and she constantly brings up the fact that they are so far away, "everyone I know lives so far away, so on my days off I have nothing to do", "I give some "options" like a friend that lives in stl, her response "well she's never off on the days that I am", or "they're too far away."

Every night after work I come and hang out at her work for almost 30 mins to an hour almost every night. I say almost because there has been a time that I was not feeling very well so I didn't stay long.

When i'm off and she's working she asks me to get her food (and sometimes on my own choice I would run her food if I went out to eat when she was working), but its gotten to the point that almost every day I'm off she wants me to hang out up at her work (for at least 30 minutes if not more) and I do this because I love her, but it keeps me from being able to do anything that I would like to do.

Whenever she has a problem (which lately has involved me as well) I always jump in to help, my dad even cosigned on a new car for her, and so he has even been a big help.

My problem seems to be that whenever I'll ask her to do something for me (even something as simple as handing me something that's two feet away from her, tends to be a chore. She will show displeasure, and will sometimes not even hand it to me until I force the issue.

She says that she shows me affection which granted she does say it, and does cuddle up with me on most nights, but I hardly ever see her do anything special, such as: bringing me food, or buying me something I like, or just in general doing something for me out of her way. She recently painted me a picture, which was very sweet of her and I really like it, but its one thing in a week where I do something for her dang near daily.

I don't like it how if something goes wrong (anything goes wrong), she'll take it out on me, for example at sonic, which decided to close early, she immediately showed dissatisfaction on the phone, and when I asked "do you want me to go to the store to get some ice cream", she said in a very angry voice, "Just go to the store", even when I went and found a way to get something near what she wanted, she still showed dissatisfaction/anger when I handed it to her before she knew what it was, and didn't even really thank me until I said, "you're welcome".

She just recently made a blog, about her being depressed and not having anything to do, and wanting to sleep all day, but not being comfortable, etc. Which this has happened before, which is one of the reasons that we called off the engagement a few months back. I'm just not sure that I can deal with this any longer, I find myself starting to think about other women, and I find myself not fully sure that I want to marry her any longer simply for the fact that I've been starting to become a tad bit miserable in many senses of the word, I don't feel appreciated, or I feel used in some senses. Like whatever I do is not good enough. She will say that sometimes she feels unloved by when I kind of ignore her (by playing a game one night a week), and I don't understand because of all the additional things that I do for her.

Whenever she does have an issue, or is mad at me I ask her to talk about it, and I have to keep pressing a subject for her to even respond, and then she will almost immediately stop talking about it. Which does not let it get resolved.

Part of me wants to kick her out, call off the engagement because quite honestly I feel that this will only get worse, but then I have concerns about my child, and its potential to live in her parents house, and how that would be unacceptable to me (her dad's an alcoholic, and neither of her parents work.) As well as the fact that I did/do love her, for the small times that she did show affection. It also seems to stem from a fact that I will not get any "physical" attention as well which does not help the matters either. I'm not sure what to do. I've consistantly tried to discuss/work out the matters but it only seems to be in a cycle, even with taking considerations with pregnancy it still seems at least 90% of the time that I am a door mat for her to rub her feet on. Many parts of me want to just kick her out simply for the fact of its not getting any better, and it seems as if I put the majority of work in to the relationship and I don't feel an adequate return has happened. It does not feel balanced to me.

Does anyone have any opinions or ideas on how to improve it, or what I should do?

Thank you for your time.

essell55 · 04-12-2007, 12:34 PM

dude, pregnant wemen are hormonally imballanced. After her birth she'll be back like before.

hosswhispra · 04-12-2007, 12:54 PM

Hey Budman,

You're feeling under appreciated right now. I think that is one of the worst feelings anyone can feel.

Have you communicated any of this with her? For example, "I feel sad/under appreciated when you don't thank me for getting food, doing the laundry etc."

Pregnancy is a time where hormones are all of the place. It seems the two of you have had many changes in a relatively short time (pregnancy, moving in etc.). It's a definite adjustment period. I'd like to add that just because she is pregnant, you shouldn't feel as though you have to marry her. Marriage won't 'fix' the feelings you're feeling about this--good communication is a starting block.

hoss

Cassie · 04-12-2007, 04:15 PM

Hi Budman - it doesn't feel balanced because it isn't balanced, especially if she's pregnant. Although her hormones are raging, she also can't keep that as a trump card to stick in her back pocket to conveniently treat you however she sees fit. You sound like a genuinely nice person who doesn't need to be walked over.

Set boundaries and firmly stick to them. Running out in the middle of the night to satify one of your fiance's bizarre unrelenting cravings is nurturing and sweet. Bowing down to every whim and tantrum, however, is not. It will only create a spoiled brat.

How was she toward you before the pregnancy?

Budman · 04-12-2007, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hosswhispra

Hey Budman,

You're feeling under appreciated right now. I think that is one of the worst feelings anyone can feel.

Have you communicated any of this with her? For example, "I feel sad/under appreciated when you don't thank me for getting food, doing the laundry etc."

Pregnancy is a time where hormones are all of the place. It seems the two of you have had many changes in a relatively short time (pregnancy, moving in etc.). It's a definite adjustment period. I'd like to add that just because she is pregnant, you shouldn't feel as though you have to marry her. Marriage won't 'fix' the feelings you're feeling about this--good communication is a starting block.

hoss

You don't even know the have of it:

My mom died in october ( a lil after she moved in), it wasn't a surprise (cancer), but it still sucked, she got pregnant around the same time (proposed a month or so before she got pregnant), also recently just purchased a car/we got hit with a 1,200 dollar debt because of a fraudulant check given to us... (which we didn't know was stolen), I am also getting adjusted to a 40 hour work week with school. Time apart isn't the problem, because of work/school I'm away a whole lot, but not because I chose to be.

Definitely will take all of this into consideration, I should also add that she's still getting over depression so most of it, is just to vent, when she "makes" up for it, life is a lot better. It's just all of it at once, definitely appreciate the input!

TheFoglifter · 04-16-2007, 01:23 PM

What was she like BEFORE she was pregnant.

I agree that the pregnancy is causing her to treat you in ways she herself probably doesn't control sometimes. I have the same issue with my gf's PMS -- I'm told that for women, its like watching your body do things you don't want to do.

However I also agree (and have been advised) that PMS and/or pregnancy is not a blanket excuse for her to do as she pleases.

If she was NOT this way before the pregnancy then in all probability she will mellow a bit, after the birth. Of course with all the stresses of dealing with a new baby, you may just replace one kind of stress with another.

However if she WAS this way before the pregnancy, then you have to change your reaction by setting firm boundaries. As was said before, its very easy for the things you are doing to go from "sweet and nurturing" to "creating a spoiled brat".

Perhaps you could start with the way she asks for things. My gf is a lot like you -- when she is upset, and when I am trying to make her feel better, she still acts like I'm an inconvenience. I almost heard my gf's voice when you relayed the anecdote about her saying "just go to the store". It makes you want to yell out "you know what, GO YOURSELF" and hang up.

You don't need to be nasty in doing this (unless she has pushed you THAT far, and then a straw that broke the camels back is the only way to fix things) but you do need to be firm. Don't be like a kindergarten teacher asking for "whats the magic word" but don't be a jerk saying "ask me nicely or else" because that will just trigger a fight.

Hang in there.

heloladies21 · 04-17-2007, 04:32 AM

Such a typical scenario for people to find themselves in.

I read this analogy in a dating book "How to Succeed with Women." Imagine buying coffee for someone at work out of the blue. Of course they will be appreciative, but try buying for them every day for a month straight. The appreciative response turns into a simple thank you. Do it for a year, and you'll start to hear complaints that it doesn't taste right, isn't hot enough, etc.

So what's the solution?

I remember some advice that I've seen from a few different dating gurus that says "You must always show a willingness to walk away." Although I understand the advice, I don't think it accurately describes what's needed to succeed. If I were to reword it, I'd say "Never leave issues unresolved and always look for the true meaning in her words." And there are very many subtlties I see in what she says.

I could dissect every single comment she makes and give you my response, but to sum it up she's basically telling you "I'm being selfish, I don't 100% care about you, and am not 100% into this relationship." There is only one way to respond, and that is to stick up for yourself. And if she doesn't agree to what you have to say when you explain it to her, then things have to end. Because you're not here in this world to take up space or pass time, you want to be in a real caring relationship with no doubts. She needs to see that you're being real with her and not hiding your true emotions, and not willing to accept less than what you deserve.

Like you, I'm not a confrontational guy. I'd say I'm nice, but if I'm disrespected, I address it right on the spot. If I'm feeling unappreciated, then I address that too, and either I get the response I'm looking for (her seeing my point of view), or the relationship is in some real danger of ending then and there.

04-12-2007, 12:21 PM	#1
Budman Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Saint Louis, Mo Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 580	simple problem Hi all, well I guess I'm writing this in a few ways to get this off my chest. I'm currently engaged to my pregnant fiance (she's carrying my child), overall my past posts I may have discussed about this before. Anyway, recently it's been coming in to my mind about how "poorly" she treats me, granted I put "" simply because maybe I'm being subjective. Some examples are: She will get mad sometimes when I state "I have to work tomorrow I need to get to sleep" (I probably said it in an annoyed voice), this happened last night. I will be trying to go to sleep, and she'll leave the light on/tv/music even if I ask her not to, (and refuses to go to another room). She'll get mad if I go to sleep in another room too. I feel that I do everything, and she doesn't pick up the slack really. I'll be doing laundry (for almost every night of the week), she'll come home and watch tv, or want to spend time with me (which I like but at the same time I wouldn't mind some help). She gets mad at me when maybe one night a week I will sit at the computer (and kind of ignore her, basically I listen but don't seem interested). IT just seems that all I do is run for her (to get food, to take her here, to help her buy this), and it seems nothing I do will bring her mood up. She chose to move in with me and my dad, and we're around 1.5-2 hours away from her home town, and she constantly brings up the fact that they are so far away, "everyone I know lives so far away, so on my days off I have nothing to do", "I give some "options" like a friend that lives in stl, her response "well she's never off on the days that I am", or "they're too far away." Every night after work I come and hang out at her work for almost 30 mins to an hour almost every night. I say almost because there has been a time that I was not feeling very well so I didn't stay long. When i'm off and she's working she asks me to get her food (and sometimes on my own choice I would run her food if I went out to eat when she was working), but its gotten to the point that almost every day I'm off she wants me to hang out up at her work (for at least 30 minutes if not more) and I do this because I love her, but it keeps me from being able to do anything that I would like to do. Whenever she has a problem (which lately has involved me as well) I always jump in to help, my dad even cosigned on a new car for her, and so he has even been a big help. My problem seems to be that whenever I'll ask her to do something for me (even something as simple as handing me something that's two feet away from her, tends to be a chore. She will show displeasure, and will sometimes not even hand it to me until I force the issue. She says that she shows me affection which granted she does say it, and does cuddle up with me on most nights, but I hardly ever see her do anything special, such as: bringing me food, or buying me something I like, or just in general doing something for me out of her way. She recently painted me a picture, which was very sweet of her and I really like it, but its one thing in a week where I do something for her dang near daily. I don't like it how if something goes wrong (anything goes wrong), she'll take it out on me, for example at sonic, which decided to close early, she immediately showed dissatisfaction on the phone, and when I asked "do you want me to go to the store to get some ice cream", she said in a very angry voice, "Just go to the store", even when I went and found a way to get something near what she wanted, she still showed dissatisfaction/anger when I handed it to her before she knew what it was, and didn't even really thank me until I said, "you're welcome". She just recently made a blog, about her being depressed and not having anything to do, and wanting to sleep all day, but not being comfortable, etc. Which this has happened before, which is one of the reasons that we called off the engagement a few months back. I'm just not sure that I can deal with this any longer, I find myself starting to think about other women, and I find myself not fully sure that I want to marry her any longer simply for the fact that I've been starting to become a tad bit miserable in many senses of the word, I don't feel appreciated, or I feel used in some senses. Like whatever I do is not good enough. She will say that sometimes she feels unloved by when I kind of ignore her (by playing a game one night a week), and I don't understand because of all the additional things that I do for her. Whenever she does have an issue, or is mad at me I ask her to talk about it, and I have to keep pressing a subject for her to even respond, and then she will almost immediately stop talking about it. Which does not let it get resolved. Part of me wants to kick her out, call off the engagement because quite honestly I feel that this will only get worse, but then I have concerns about my child, and its potential to live in her parents house, and how that would be unacceptable to me (her dad's an alcoholic, and neither of her parents work.) As well as the fact that I did/do love her, for the small times that she did show affection. It also seems to stem from a fact that I will not get any "physical" attention as well which does not help the matters either. I'm not sure what to do. I've consistantly tried to discuss/work out the matters but it only seems to be in a cycle, even with taking considerations with pregnancy it still seems at least 90% of the time that I am a door mat for her to rub her feet on. Many parts of me want to just kick her out simply for the fact of its not getting any better, and it seems as if I put the majority of work in to the relationship and I don't feel an adequate return has happened. It does not feel balanced to me. Does anyone have any opinions or ideas on how to improve it, or what I should do? Thank you for your time. __________________ "Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting...."HOLY CRAP WHAT A RIDE!"

04-12-2007, 12:34 PM	#2
essell55 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 3	dude, pregnant wemen are hormonally imballanced. After her birth she'll be back like before. __________________ Core9 Blog - http://core9.net "Even if you think your intelligent, you seem like an idiot to the rest"

04-12-2007, 12:54 PM	#3
hosswhispra Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Deep inside myself searching for motivation and inspiration Gender: Female Posts: 2,085	Hey Budman, You're feeling under appreciated right now. I think that is one of the worst feelings anyone can feel. Have you communicated any of this with her? For example, "I feel sad/under appreciated when you don't thank me for getting food, doing the laundry etc." Pregnancy is a time where hormones are all of the place. It seems the two of you have had many changes in a relatively short time (pregnancy, moving in etc.). It's a definite adjustment period. I'd like to add that just because she is pregnant, you shouldn't feel as though you have to marry her. Marriage won't 'fix' the feelings you're feeling about this--good communication is a starting block. hoss Last edited by hosswhispra; 04-12-2007 at 12:56 PM.

04-12-2007, 04:15 PM	#4
Cassie Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 610	Hi Budman - it doesn't feel balanced because it isn't balanced, especially if she's pregnant. Although her hormones are raging, she also can't keep that as a trump card to stick in her back pocket to conveniently treat you however she sees fit. You sound like a genuinely nice person who doesn't need to be walked over. Set boundaries and firmly stick to them. Running out in the middle of the night to satify one of your fiance's bizarre unrelenting cravings is nurturing and sweet. Bowing down to every whim and tantrum, however, is not. It will only create a spoiled brat. How was she toward you before the pregnancy? __________________ If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have gotten anywhere.

04-16-2007, 01:23 PM	#6
TheFoglifter Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,206	What was she like BEFORE she was pregnant. I agree that the pregnancy is causing her to treat you in ways she herself probably doesn't control sometimes. I have the same issue with my gf's PMS -- I'm told that for women, its like watching your body do things you don't want to do. However I also agree (and have been advised) that PMS and/or pregnancy is not a blanket excuse for her to do as she pleases. If she was NOT this way before the pregnancy then in all probability she will mellow a bit, after the birth. Of course with all the stresses of dealing with a new baby, you may just replace one kind of stress with another. However if she WAS this way before the pregnancy, then you have to change your reaction by setting firm boundaries. As was said before, its very easy for the things you are doing to go from "sweet and nurturing" to "creating a spoiled brat". Perhaps you could start with the way she asks for things. My gf is a lot like you -- when she is upset, and when I am trying to make her feel better, she still acts like I'm an inconvenience. I almost heard my gf's voice when you relayed the anecdote about her saying "just go to the store". It makes you want to yell out "you know what, GO YOURSELF" and hang up. You don't need to be nasty in doing this (unless she has pushed you THAT far, and then a straw that broke the camels back is the only way to fix things) but you do need to be firm. Don't be like a kindergarten teacher asking for "whats the magic word" but don't be a jerk saying "ask me nicely or else" because that will just trigger a fight. Hang in there.

04-17-2007, 04:32 AM	#7
heloladies21 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 3,897	Such a typical scenario for people to find themselves in. I read this analogy in a dating book "How to Succeed with Women." Imagine buying coffee for someone at work out of the blue. Of course they will be appreciative, but try buying for them every day for a month straight. The appreciative response turns into a simple thank you. Do it for a year, and you'll start to hear complaints that it doesn't taste right, isn't hot enough, etc. So what's the solution? I remember some advice that I've seen from a few different dating gurus that says "You must always show a willingness to walk away." Although I understand the advice, I don't think it accurately describes what's needed to succeed. If I were to reword it, I'd say "Never leave issues unresolved and always look for the true meaning in her words." And there are very many subtlties I see in what she says. I could dissect every single comment she makes and give you my response, but to sum it up she's basically telling you "I'm being selfish, I don't 100% care about you, and am not 100% into this relationship." There is only one way to respond, and that is to stick up for yourself. And if she doesn't agree to what you have to say when you explain it to her, then things have to end. Because you're not here in this world to take up space or pass time, you want to be in a real caring relationship with no doubts. She needs to see that you're being real with her and not hiding your true emotions, and not willing to accept less than what you deserve. Like you, I'm not a confrontational guy. I'd say I'm nice, but if I'm disrespected, I address it right on the spot. If I'm feeling unappreciated, then I address that too, and either I get the response I'm looking for (her seeing my point of view), or the relationship is in some real danger of ending then and there.