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Why is My Wife Insecure


envirodude

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This is my first post on your site. I am a 43 year old man who has been married for 18 1/2 years to a very wonderful woman. The only problem we have as a couple is insecurity and trust with our relationship. My wife is insanely jealous and does not trust me in almost any situation. When we are out in public, she swears that other women are looking at and/or flirting with me. We have a divorced woman who moved in accross the street from us that my wife has known since high school and does not like very much. Apparently, the neighbor was extremely "loose" in high school. She is so suspicious that I will not look out the front windows and will not go out in front of my own home unless she is with me becuase of the accusations she makes. It infuriates me because I have never even talked to this woman ... not even a polite hello. She even dislikes the women I work with and female clients of the company I work for. Phone calls and e-mails from these females are met with suspicion and accusations. I have let her read all the e-mails and let her listen to voice mail messages. Everything about these items are work related and nothing could be construed as "friendly". But to no avail. We routinely argue over these same issues. How do I get her to trust me and not be so insecure. The truth is that I have never cheated on her and never would cheat on her. I send her e-mails and call her frquently from work trying to show her that I love her and think about her all the time. I have absolutely no life outside of work and my family (I don't go out with the guys, I don't have any hobbies, etc.). I don't really mind her insecurity as much as I mind what she does when she gets so wrapped up init and starts accusing me of sleeping with every woman she thinks I would like. I just want her to start putting her energies into positive things and trust me. How do I do this?

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Do you think your wife feels insecure about something such as her weight? education? job? They may all sound like reasons which have nothing to do with whether one loves someone or not, but possibly she is feeling that way!

 

Its great that she has a supportive husband like you!

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I have tried several times over the past two years to get her to go to counseling (with or without me). She keeps telling me that counseling won't help her feel any differently. She will want me to do something to make her feel better (i.e. do more updates around the house, or don't call he so much, or call her more often, etc.). Her requests have little to do with her feelings of insecurity though. Her mother noticed the problems and asked her to go to counseling. She gave her mom the same nonsensicle type of reply that she gives to me. Last week she had a large blow-up with me, then her mom about this subject. At 11:30 in the evening she promised to go to counseling. At 7:30 AM the next day, everything was "peaches and cream" and there was again no need for counseling. Her mother has told me to "ignore" her when she gets like this. Explain to her that I love her and understand how she feels but the fact is that I love her and ONLY her. Then let it go. Don't acknowledge her rantings and accussations.

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My wife should not be insecure about her looks. She is beautiful ... 5'4" and 115 lbs. - the same weight she was when we met 22 years ago. She is educated and successful in her part-time career. Her insecurity has to do with her fear of me wanting someone else, not with anything else. I have tried every imaginable way to show her that I love her and that I don't want or need anyone else. She is OK 90% of the time. It is the 10% when something sets her off. She spends an inordinate amount of time looking at our neighbor lady accross the street. She says that she gets dressed with he blinds open in the morning so that "someone" can notice her. My wife thinks that the someone is me.

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I have an extremely jealous bf too, and believe me I know what you're talking about. If I receive a TXT message from a male friend, it's always fishy, even if it is just, as you said, a "polite hello". It drives me crazy, of course, and we argued frequently about it. Until one day - I got sick of it and told him he did not have the right to treat me like that, and that I was not responsible for his insecurities, that he should try to work them out himself, because he has female friends too, and I'm ok with it. It can drive you insane, believe me...

keep posting, telling us the developments

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I'm sorry, but what she is doing is emotionally abusive. I don't think your actions are any better. Why are you not pursuing hobbies and going out with people you want? Why are you calling her constantly and trying to appease her? Obviously, it's not working.

 

I liken your behavior to enabling. If you want things to change, frankly you need to change your tone completely. No more letting her read emails, no more calling 10000 times a day, or any of that. Put a stop to it immediately. She's doing this and getting away with it because you're allowing it to go on.

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Sorry, one more thing: I think you really need to put this into perspective ..

 

Take your situation, and flip it. Imagine it's a young man doing all of the above to his wife or girlfriend. Not letting her go anywhere, constantly interrogating her and checking up on her, making ridiculous accusations...

 

That's abuse. Plain and simple.

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I'm sorry, but what she is doing is emotionally abusive. I don't think your actions are any better. Why are you not pursuing hobbies and going out with people you want? Why are you calling her constantly and trying to appease her? Obviously, it's not working.

 

I liken your behavior to enabling. If you want things to change, frankly you need to change your tone completely. No more letting her read emails, no more calling 10000 times a day, or any of that. Put a stop to it immediately. She's doing this and getting away with it because you're allowing it to go on.

Kalika:

 

What would cause her to be this jealous now? When we first got married, she was jealous, but not to this extent. The only thing I have ever done was e-mail an old friend who was like my sister growing up. We graduated high school together and hadn't seen each other in about 15 years. My wife and my friend actually went to college at the same place and knew one another. My wife knows how close we were when we met and when we got married, my friend was at the wedding. I didn't tell her about the e-mail and when she found out ... she exploded. Frankly, I e-mail a lot of people every day and didn't think much about it. Granted 99% of all the e-mails I do are business and not personal. Since that time, she has been overly suspicious of everything. Every day she asks me how many females I talked to, I sent e-mails to or sent e-mails to me. I spend all day talking to people and I really don't keep track of males / females. I don't think of people in those terms. Should I? Am I being insensitive to her by not paying that much attention to people?

 

She tends to go to extremes. One day she is mad because the woman who lives accross the street is home and I am home (my wife will be at work). The next day, she is as happy and loving. She falls all over me telling me that she can't help it and to be patient with her. I love her and I just want her to be happy. How can I do this if she keeps reverting back to the "monster" who accuses me of everything under the sun?

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What is she saying about you every time she accuses you? I mean, honestly, if she is going to THIS extent to check up on you and yet remaining with you, doesn't that strike you as odd?

 

If she honestly believed you were/are cheating, shouldn't she just... leave? This isn't about you cheating. That's pretty obvious. This is about her and needing this power over you. Again, this is called abuse. It's nothing less than that.

 

No, you are not being insensitive to her. You are being overly accommodating and it needs to end this minute, forever. She can't help it, you say? Then she needs to be in therapy, working on it. Or you need to be in therapy to figure out why on earth you're putting up with this behavior. It is completely unacceptable.

 

You seem to think that this is all up to her. SHE needs to change her behavior, SHE needs to get a grip. And of course, that's true. But what about you? What has YOUR role in all of this been? In my mind, as I stated earlier, I think that the next time she wants to see your email, you need to refuse. And the next time she accuses you, you need to put your foot down once and for all. She needs to help you search for a good counselor, or she needs to search on her own for a divorce attorney. Seriously, what has been going on in your marriage is bad enough for that.

 

I honestly hope that you don't have any children together.

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One day she is mad because the woman who lives accross the street is home and I am home (my wife will be at work). The next day, she is as happy and loving. She falls all over me telling me that she can't help it and to be patient with her.

 

P.S. This isn't uncommon for abusers. They're not ALWAYS abusive, 24/7. If they were, their victims wouldn't stay.

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We do have two children, and I do consider them in all of this. I love both my kids more than anything and they have witnessed some pretty "heated" arguments between my wife and myself. It hurts them so bad, because they are both very emotional. If we ever did get divorced, I know that my daughter would definitely want to be with me and I'm 95% sure my son would want to be with me as well. But you know how the system works ... the wife always gets the kids! That we devaste both of them and it would devastate me.

 

While I don't agree that with my wife looking at all of my e-mails, cell phone, etc., ... I have always hoped that this would make her feel more secure. I do get the "Well you could have another e-mail address" or you could have erased your phone log. When I offer to get my phone log (bill) from work, she always claims she believes me and it isn't necessay.

 

Look I love my wife. I want the same woman that I married 18.5 years ago. I just want to figure a way to get her more secure with herself. Telling her I don't want anyone else doesn't work. And she does acknowledge that she honestly feels that I have never cheated on her .. but she still thinks it could happen some day. How do I prove to her that it is not going to happen?

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Sounds to me like she is hiding somthing? Guilty feelings people espicially women have a way of putting the blame on there spouse when they are actually the one who is doing the dirty deed(covering guilt) its something to look for.Just watch her for a period of time. just a thuoght.

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Sounds to me like she is hiding somthing? Guilty feelings people espicially women have a way of putting the blame on there spouse when they are actually the one who is doing the dirty deed(covering guilt) its something to look for.Just watch her for a period of time. just a thuoght.

 

I was thinking the same thing.....

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I really don't think she is feeling guilty. I think she is just so insecure that she becomes completely irrational. Sometimes her accusations are so off the wall and childish, that I really don't know how to respond to her.

 

I am not saying that she couldn't have done "something" because I have seen the perfect couple break up after one spouse (who was thought to be pretty close to "nunhood") cheated on her husband. I think that she needs to realize that she spends so much of her energy on worrying about things that aren't going to happen, and concentrate on being happy and content with what she has (if that is waht she really wants). Sometimes, I think that she is almost trying to get to a point where it is a self-fulfilling profacy ... drive me away so that I will "cheat" on her just so she can say she was right. I'm just so bull-headed that I won't let her!

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It's not fair to drag this mess out in view of the kids. That needs to stop immediately.

 

Listen, if you honestly want things to change, you have to encourage her to try counseling. Otherwise, things will probably go on as they have, because there's no real incentive for her to change. She can continue to do this, and fight with you in front of the kids, because you're not threatening to take action against HER actions.

 

I applaud you for your faithfulness to your wife. You truly sound dedicated to your wife and children, and that's so rare in today's society. However, you really do need to consider that standing up for yourself is important for your marriage. And also for your kids... You need to demonstrate to them that their mother's accusations and actions are completely unacceptable. It IS appropriate to ask someone, talk to them, if you have trust issues. It is NOT acceptable to screen them, monitor their conversations, their phone calls, accuse them nonstop, etc. You need to teach your children, by demonstration, that this is unacceptable behavior and a completely inappropriate reaction to handling stress and insecurity.

 

By standing up for yourself, I don't necessarily mean that you should up and leave your wife. I mean that you are going to set clear, strict, unwavering limits on what your wife is and isn't allowed to do.

 

Seriously, write down a list for yourself if you have to. For example:

 

I WILL allow her to ask me where I have been if I go leave with friends for a few hours.

 

I WILL NOT allow her to scan my phone logs.

 

Etc.

 

We are ALL insecure about being cheated on. But truly, not many people would consider your wife's actions appropriate at all. Personally, I'm terrified of being cheated on, but you wouldn't ever catch me rifling through someone's emails, yelling accusations at them!!

 

You need to realize that this isn't JUST about insecurity.. There's something else there. Your wife is telling herself that it's okay to act like this, and it's not. EVEN IF YOU WERE CHEATING, THIS ISN'T OKAY FOR HER TO DO!

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I am the exact same way as your wife is with my boyfriend. I was never this way with any other boyfriends until I was in a committed relationship. We've been together almost 3 years. The thing about it is that you can't help it. I don't know WHY I am like that, I don't know how to not be like that. I also don't want to be, but my boyfriend has lied to me about things before, not about cheating or anything but he has lied, so it's harder for me to trust him with ANYTHING. There's also a girl at his work that I don't like whom I think likes him. He is just really nice to everyone, including females, and a female who might have a crush on him could take that wrong. Because he is kind of secretive in his life, or doesn't open up much like I do..and because he forgets to mention things to me such as that a girl gave him her # or he gave a girl his #..but only for business purposes..then I am going to think he's hiding something from me, why else would he not tell me?? Anyway, the point is that I am the same way as your wife, and I bet that she too can not help the way she feels, or the way she acts. Yeah, maybe we need couseling, but even if some stranger tells me that its wrong and not to do it, and that i should give him space...I won't feel any differently, because she doesn't know what he's doing while he's away from me...and neither do I, and I will always be afraid he's going to do something that will hurt me, and then I will lose him, because I can't be with someone who hurts me. See I love him thats why I want to keep him, but if he messes up, I can't be with him and if I do stay with him i will be hurting everyday and he will be having a good time, and if I do leave him it will be very hard, and hurt a lot. I don't want that, so I try to keep him from making a big mistake that I would have to leave him over. I guess that sounds...insane..and im not saying I am not.. i might be...but these feeling wont just go away because I want them to.

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Well, I just left a relationship of 4 years like yours. I am your wife. My boyfriend tried to work with me but he just could take it. My insecurities with him started with one thing Porn. They from then on I stopped trusting him. It's not anything I can explain except I didn't want to be like that. I love my boyfriend very much but I ran him away with my jealousy. Your wife needs help but until she realizes it she is the one who is suffering.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm in the same boat. My wife gets major jealous. I started using Facebook and added a whole bunch of my old friends and acquaintances, some of which were female. When she saw them on there she flipped and we fought about it for weeks until I gave in and stopped using Facebook altogether. Her rationale was that other women would temp me and that I would be more jealous if she had men on her profile.

 

She keeps me on a short leash by calling me all the time. She used to call me when I would go out for coffee with my friends every time and ask me when I was coming home. My friends wives never did that. Noticed I used the past tense...I don't go out with friends any more because she makes me feel guilty about it.

 

Guilt is her weapon against me. Also any time I planned to go out with my friends or wanted to go to the gym for an hour or so she would insist that I put the kids to bed first. I do that every night so it's kind of insulting why she can't do it once or twice a month. She on the other hand goes to the gym or out for dinner with friends and I am still putting the kids to bed after she goes out. (That's a bit of a double standard)

 

I sympathize with envirodude because I am living in the same abusive environment. People tell me to put my foot down like all of you are telling him to do, but I can tell you that it would make my life a living hell if I did. As soon as a show any resistance out comes the guilt hammer and she's looking for any excuse to start a fight. She'll bring up old fights and pick me apart until I feel so depressed I just want to die. One time I told her I just wanted to kill myself I was so sad. She told me that if I ever tried that she would call the police and have me put in an mental hospital. She showed absolutely no sympathy even though I was being truly sincere about my feelings.

 

The only way I cope now is by being on anti-depressants. She will never go to counseling because in her opinion I am the one with all of the problems and she is just fed up with me. I think the only solution is for me to leave her for a while and see if she actually wants me back. The only way I could take her back would be if we both went to a counselor. Only after that would we get back together.

 

The problem is that kids complicate things and we have two. If I leave it would totally screw up their lives. We're also maxed out financially so we'd loose our house. Oh yeah, she takes care of the finances so that's another way she has control over me.

 

I'm just...well you know the four letter word that fits.

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WOW. You deserve some type of medal of courage! Eighteen years dealing wtih this? Whoa man...that is a LONG time to go thru this. What she is doing is hinging on verbal abuse even...if you have not given her any reason to be this irrational, and it does not sound like you have, then this could be considered a bit abusive. You are a prisoner in your marriage. And despite this, you started this off by saying you have had a wonderful marriage, that speaks VOLUMES for your character. You sound like a good man who deserves much better than this.

 

I suggest you put your foot down immediately. Tell her that you adore her but enough is enough. Tell her that these insane thoughts that are dancing around in her head are going to destroy your marriage. Tell her that she is creating a self fulfilling prophecy as in if she continues to accuse you of these things, you are eventually going to be tired of the accusations and just leave to find someone else.

 

Would she be happy then? no doubt that will open her eyes. Tell her you have been wtih her this long for a REASON. Because you LOVE her and no one else but if she does not start treating you with some serious respect and soon you are OUT the door.

 

I would tell her either she gets counseling and starts making strides for improvement, or the counsel that is seeked next will be in the form of legal counsel, as in a divorce attorney.

 

That will wake her up.

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To those of you men who are terrified of the guilt hammer, what are you allowing guilt to creep in for? Stand firm, don't allow that emotion to take hold of you. Can't you look her in the eye and tell her that if she accuses you one more time of messing with some women you are going to go out and do it?

 

Tell her that if you are going to be accused of it, you might as well have some fun and actually do it. Of course I don't mean to really do it, but heck make her realize you are not her whipping boy. Look at your username! Take control of your life today.

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envirodude - I can relate to what your wife is going through. I for years have been obsessing over the apparent fact that everything my wife did was somehow related to her wanting to cheat on me, leave me, or otherwise screw me over. It started off fairly weak, but over time it grew stronger and stronger. I had this constant analysis going through my head, thinking and double-guessing how her action obviously showed signs she wanted to cheat. I mean, objectively, really really stupid things. I would do little passive-aggressive things to try to prevent any possibility of her cheating, which pretty much caused her to be rather miserable as "everything she did was wrong". So she started keeping secrets from me, not because they were things that she should have to hide, but rather because they were things I would go nuts over that were pointless to go nuts over. And in truth, eventually I did drive her to have an emotional affair with another man, because I could not really provide what she needed during this time.

I found out about the affair, and went all the more ballistic - this was hard evidence that I was right all along. The truth is, no it is not - it is evidence that I have been treating her horribly.

The thing that woke me up was reading about co-dependency. It sounds like it is possible your wife is co-dependent, and that this could be driving much of her actions. I know when I actually read about it, it felt like a 1,000 ton weight came off my shoulders... I don't know if it fully matches the situation, but I would recommend reading over co-dependency and perhaps urge your wife to also.

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