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  1. #1
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    Arrow Why is My Wife Insecure

    This is my first post on your site. I am a 43 year old man who has been married for 18 1/2 years to a very wonderful woman. The only problem we have as a couple is insecurity and trust with our relationship. My wife is insanely jealous and does not trust me in almost any situation. When we are out in public, she swears that other women are looking at and/or flirting with me. We have a divorced woman who moved in across the street from us that my wife has known since high school and does not like very much. Apparently, the neighbor was extremely "loose" in high school. She is so suspicious that I will not look out the front windows and will not go out in front of my own home unless she is with me becuase of the accusations she makes. It infuriates me because I have never even talked to this woman ... not even a polite hello. She even dislikes the women I work with and female clients of the company I work for. Phone calls and e-mails from these females are met with suspicion and accusations. I have let her read all the e-mails and let her listen to voice mail messages. Everything about these items are work related and nothing could be construed as "friendly". But to no avail. We routinely argue over these same issues. How do I get her to trust me and not be so insecure. The truth is that I have never cheated on her and never would cheat on her. I send her e-mails and call her frquently from work trying to show her that I love her and think about her all the time. I have absolutely no life outside of work and my family (I don't go out with the guys, I don't have any hobbies, etc.). I don't really mind her insecurity as much as I mind what she does when she gets so wrapped up init and starts accusing me of sleeping with every woman she thinks I would like. I just want her to start putting her energies into positive things and trust me. How do I do this?

  2. #2

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    Sounds like you should take her to a counselling session...she needs to hear from a third party that how she is behaving will drive you away...and isn't healthy for either of you.

  3. #3
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    Do you think your wife feels insecure about something such as her weight? education? job? They may all sound like reasons which have nothing to do with whether one loves someone or not, but possibly she is feeling that way!

    Its great that she has a supportive husband like you!

  4. #4
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    I have tried several times over the past two years to get her to go to counseling (with or without me). She keeps telling me that counseling won't help her feel any differently. She will want me to do something to make her feel better (i.e. do more updates around the house, or don't call he so much, or call her more often, etc.). Her requests have little to do with her feelings of insecurity though. Her mother noticed the problems and asked her to go to counseling. She gave her mom the same nonsensicle type of reply that she gives to me. Last week she had a large blow-up with me, then her mom about this subject. At 11:30 in the evening she promised to go to counseling. At 7:30 AM the next day, everything was "peaches and cream" and there was again no need for counseling. Her mother has told me to "ignore" her when she gets like this. Explain to her that I love her and understand how she feels but the fact is that I love her and ONLY her. Then let it go. Don't acknowledge her rantings and accussations.

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  6. #5
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    My wife should not be insecure about her looks. She is beautiful ... 5'4" and 115 lbs. - the same weight she was when we met 22 years ago. She is educated and successful in her part-time career. Her insecurity has to do with her fear of me wanting someone else, not with anything else. I have tried every imaginable way to show her that I love her and that I don't want or need anyone else. She is OK 90% of the time. It is the 10% when something sets her off. She spends an inordinate amount of time looking at our neighbor lady across the street. She says that she gets dressed with he blinds open in the morning so that "someone" can notice her. My wife thinks that the someone is me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member metrogirl's Avatar
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    Just continue doing what you are doing, letting her know that you love her and you want only her. You, my friend have the patience of a saint. I know a few people that would have just said "forget it". Much luck to you.

  8. #7
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    I have an extremely jealous bf too, and believe me I know what you're talking about. If I receive a TXT message from a male friend, it's always fishy, even if it is just, as you said, a "polite hello". It drives me crazy, of course, and we argued frequently about it. Until one day - I got sick of it and told him he did not have the right to treat me like that, and that I was not responsible for his insecurities, that he should try to work them out himself, because he has female friends too, and I'm ok with it. It can drive you insane, believe me...
    keep posting, telling us the developments

  9. 04-12-2007, 02:54 PM

  10. #8
    Platinum Member Kalika's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, but what she is doing is emotionally abusive. I don't think your actions are any better. Why are you not pursuing hobbies and going out with people you want? Why are you calling her constantly and trying to appease her? Obviously, it's not working.

    I liken your behavior to enabling. If you want things to change, frankly you need to change your tone completely. No more letting her read emails, no more calling 10000 times a day, or any of that. Put a stop to it immediately. She's doing this and getting away with it because you're allowing it to go on.

  11. #9
    Platinum Member Kalika's Avatar
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    Sorry, one more thing: I think you really need to put this into perspective ..

    Take your situation, and flip it. Imagine it's a young man doing all of the above to his wife or girlfriend. Not letting her go anywhere, constantly interrogating her and checking up on her, making ridiculous accusations...

    That's abuse. Plain and simple.

  12. #10
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    I agree 100% with Kalika. What she is doing is extremely controlling and hurtful to you. I would expect this from a teenage girl, not a woman that has been married for 18.5 years.
    "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

    Very few people can be totally ruthless. It isn't easy; it takes more strength than you might believe.

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