Non religious /w Religious person... How would it even work?

[Q10]

Hi everybody,

I'm dating this wonderful girl since last week, we went on our second date yesterday and I learned that her parents are really religious and she's religious also. Myself, I'm not really, I believe in god but I hate to put a name to it. For me it's between you and "what you believe in", and that you don't have to put a name to it, be it christian, muslim etc. It's something in my heart and not to be put on someones face.

Every thing's perfect with this girl, it's just I'm thinking if this'd create some problems later. I'll give you some facts/examples:

- While we were talking, she mentioned "god damn" is a bigger swear then "damn"
- When her friends say "oh my god" in a swearing manner, that she finishes her sentences with "is great!"
- And when I woke up today I saw her msn nickname, something religious, looks like a chorus from church, it was something like "You were there, Hanging blameless on a cross, You would rather die than leave us in the dark"
- She drinks alcohol, unlike her parents, she has sex.
- She said she was agnostic before but became religious after something happen at the hospital and she saw her friend reading the bible so she started reading it too.

Me, I'm thinking if I'd be uncomfortable next to her every time I swear trying to make sure I don't offend her, because I use "god damn", and "oh my god" like every other person and I don't stop myself from doing religious jokes! And I'm thinking she might find those offensive..

She's a really great person so far and I'm not sure how to handle the religious view difference. Do you guys have any ideas?

[daveygravey]

Maybe it is a mixed match. Sometimes it can work, sometimes it can't. My mother is Church of England, my dad is atheist (brought up in Italian catholic household), but religion isn't a factor. My mother is relaxed about it, they don't really talk about.

On the other hand I can't help but make stupid, offensive jokes. I went out with a Christian girl for a few months once, and kept putting my foot in it by comments. I would even (I'm such an ***) ask why she believed in something as ridiculous as God. Naturally, it didn't last!

As much as I have grown up and wouldn't go looking for arguments anymore, I realise I could not go out with somebody who had strict religious views purely because I could not handle walking on egg shells and watching what I say. And to be honest, if everytime I said "Oh my God" she replied with "...is great" I would want to laugh in her face, as horrible as that sounds!

[Dako]

I think it's possible as long as you each respect the other's beliefs and aren't attmpting to change them. I had a long marriage to a woman who was a Sunday school teacher when we met, while I'm hardly Christian.

Swearing can show disrespect. I try to avoid saying
g_d damn as a habit, because I know it offends people of different faiths.
Some are even offended by the casual use of their diety's name.
I try to respect that.

I'm agnostic, and proud of it.

[TheFoglifter]

Like all conflicting relationships, it "can" work. The question is, "can YOU MAKE it work?"

I think it would be annoying as hell someone who interjects "god is great" like a brainwashed drone every time it came up. Whether its religion or not, it is very difficult dealing with someone who forces his/her beliefs/ideals into every sentence.

Be VERY careful about the drinking and sex thing. Sure, she drinks and has sex NOW, but if she is as religious as you say, those things could go right out the window AT ANY TIME. I can't tell you how many sob stories I've seen from guys who got bait-and-switched by a religious girl, but are too deeply in love to leave.

God forbid (she'd hate that) if you ever found yourself in a situation where this topic came up among your friends. I mean if your friends start joking about religion, she will probably start getting fidgety, or worse: she'll start striking back.

You guys CAN make it work, but you'll have to set some ground rules. Best of luck.

[Iceman26]

Well, I am not religious, and my wife is semi religious, and it works out pretty well.

Make sure that you communicate to make sure you are both on the same page about it however. It can cause problems further on if don't.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

My current boyfriend is very into his Christian Faith. Me, I was raised in a non-religious home. My dad is Roman Catholic and my mom is Methodist. So, my parents left it to my brothers and I to decide which faith (if any) to follow as we got older. My mom raised my brothers and I to be "basic" Christains. Like, treat others as you want to be treated, etc. Also, we believe in God and have been to church a few times.

My boyfriend, is another story. He grew up in a Prespyterian home but chose to leave that faith when he was older and now practices the a non-denominational Christainity. As I was getting know my boyfriend, I noticed he never said "god da*%^" or never says "oh my god..." Not wanting to offend him and realized it was a bad habit anyway, I stopped saying those phrases. Now it is "oh my gosh", "or gosh darn," etc.

I care so much for my boyfriend that I was willing to be mindful of my words and to change a bad habit. I mean, come on, we are talking about phrases and words. It is not too much to ask.

It is my feeling that if you feel this is a good thing and there is a lot of potential in this relationship, perhaps be a little more mindful about your choice of words. Being a relationship sometimes calls for making a few sacrifices and this may be one of them, not a huge one.

Religion was something my boyfriend and I discussed in great detail. It is extremely important to him to have a partner whom can share his views and perhaps raise children together in that manner. I am willing to have an open mind and learn about his religion. Since I was not raised to be religious, I am a clean slate. So, this is VERY important for you and your girlfriend to discuss. If you are not willing to learn about her religion, or do not think it is all that important and she does, that can become a big problem. Have you discussed this issue as of yet. If not, do it ASAP. What are her goals and expectations from a partner in a religious sense and what are your limits and boundries? Communication is very important.

[boomvang]

Give me a break, you've known her a week. Don't worry about this for a few months. There may be plenty of other reasons for it to not work out. But if her parents set themselves against you, turn and walk.

[Blue Skittles]

It all depends on a couple things. It could work as long as you are respectful of her beliefs and she doesn't try to push you into anything.

If you are offended by her expression of her faith, or if she tries to push you into her religion when you are not ready for it then it can become a problem.

Just enjoy her company and see what happens. You'll know in time if it is going to be a problem or not.

[Cassie]

It can work as long as you don't feel you have to sacrifice too much of yourself or 'change' to make it work.

One poster subtly changed some of her word phrases because she wanted to. If, however, you're unhappy with making changes, your girlfriend would have to respect and accept that side of your personality.

[Q10]

First I want to thank everyone for their replies.

Now I'd like to point out some things some of you wrote that I find interesting and would like to comment.

daveygravey

"I could not go out with somebody who had strict religious views purely because I could not handle walking on egg shells and watching what I say."

That's what I was thinking, me and my friends are usually not so religious (I do have friends who go to church, they're not offended with anything so far) -- Sometimes we do make jokes about religion I never thought about if my religious friends would get offended or not, but I don't think they do because noone ever complained.

"if everytime I said "Oh my God" she replied with "...is great" I would want to laugh in her face, as horrible as that sounds!"

That is kinda true, I would not make fun of it, --but I imagine it'd get annoying after the first couple times if she says it all the time!

I find TheFoglifter had some unique point of views. Really interesting.

"I think it would be annoying as hell someone who interjects "god is great" like a brainwashed drone every time it came up. Whether its religion or not, it is very difficult dealing with someone who forces his/her beliefs/ideals into every sentence."

Especially the last sentence, if someone forces his/her beliefs into every sentence.. I can not know if she does this but will see it in the next coming weeks when I get to know her better.

"Be VERY careful about the drinking and sex thing. Sure, she drinks and has sex NOW, but if she is as religious as you say, those things could go right out the window AT ANY TIME. I can't tell you how many sob stories I've seen from guys who got bait-and-switched by a religious girl, but are too deeply in love to leave."

I'm not sure about that because she works in a bar and she's the one who asked me about sex first. She's hosts fantasia parties etc. But sure we'll see, I'd love to hear a couple stories that you've come across about this.

"God forbid (she'd hate that) if you ever found yourself in a situation where this topic came up among your friends. I mean if your friends start joking about religion, she will probably start getting fidgety, or worse: she'll start striking back."

This is serious -- since my friends do joke about religion BUT my friends are mature so they would not do it if they knew if she would be offended. HOWEVER, if they didn't know about it, and if they said something offensive by mistake..

"You guys CAN make it work, but you'll have to set some ground rules. Best of luck."

This is the big question. How?
Do I just tell her "look, my friends like to joke about religion and I do too. How can we handle this, would this be a problem for us in the future, I respect your beliefs and I wouldn't want to offend you in any way."

What do you guys think the best approach would be?

ps. I mean I don't use "oh my god" etc a lot but it would still be annoying to think of everything I say and try to filter out "oh my god" in case I say it lol wouldn't it feel as if I'm not being myself when I'm with her