Dealing with the loss of intimacy is TOUGH!

My girl and I broke up about 8 weeks ago and she went straight to another guy after we've been together about 4.5 years. Aside from the emotional wreck that ive been through the lack of sex and intimacy is now one of the hardest parts of my day. We had our ups and downs but I always loved being with her physically, we just had chemistry between the sheets. Now, I can't stop thinking about her with someone else and what they are doing and its the worst thoughts imaginable but I can't stop them from coming into my head. I know this is normal but how long will it last? I had a chance to have sex last week with an old friend who has always liked me but I couldn't, I turned her down, the wound was just too fresh for me. BTW, my friends think im an idiot, but it was the best I could do given my emotional state.

Its just really tough.... I try not to focus on it but I wake up in the middle of the nights when its dark and quiet and my thoughts go there.

Any advice how to get past this?

In the same situation buddy. Two plus years we were together, then she ends it and runs off with another guy straight away (I suspect they were cheating, but don't know). And the sex thing is always painful to think about. We had great sexual chemistry, but now she's with someone else I can't get the image out of my head. In fact I know she's staying with her new boyfriend right now for the weekend. It makes me want to die knowing his hands are all over her.

As for the turning down sex, I'm kind of in that position too. I don't want to be with any other girls, it doesn't seem natural. Not yet anyway.

I couldn't honestly tell you when those feelings will pass. I guess the same time the emotional ones do. It's just one of the other things about her that you miss and can't accept she's giving to someone else. I'd say a few months and you might move on.

Women and men rarly run from one partner to another unless there has been something going on for a while...sorry.

But as for your problems, perfectly understandable. But unless you were her first, think of it this way. Did it bother you that she had been with someone before you? Just try as hard as you can to reverse this, you weren't the first, nor will you be the last.

I've been were you are, stings like a )(*&*&^%* I know. But the only real cure is to get her out of your mind and get on with your life as quickly as possible. Start working out, eating right, take classes and try to get back some of that old swagger.

Your gonna be ok....good luck.

I was her first, which makes it so much more difficult to accept. I believed all the BS about being her only lover. Bah.

There was something going on for a few weeks I think, i never got answers but I also never asked the question. Some things you don't want to know.

I wish the fact that she did this to me, and went straight to someone else, is enough for me to just write her off and see what a liar she is but I just can't turn it all off right now. You look back and start to piece together the stories and you realize what was happening.

Friends tell me I should tell her to go to hell and that I don't need her, that I should hate her and one minute I feel that way and another i want her back no matter what. its screwed up.

Don't believe what your friends or anyone else says. As time goes on, you will find your own way to deal with the pain and her memory. Just hang tough.

I'm the same, I can't make up my mind if I love her or hate. Well, I know I love her, or I wouldn't still be talking about it. But how much anger do I hold for her? If she could do this, throw away our relationship for somebody she's only just met, then what is she worth?

I feel sick, and sometimes hope I'll die in my sleep. At the time of writing this, I'm in a more calm frame of mind. I realise I'm better without that * * * * *, and that I can find somebody truly worthy of me. But in a few hours time, who knows, maybe I'll be depressed again. I agree, it is screwed up.

You can both love and hate a person! Don't try to pick just one emotion. You'll ALWAYS love the things you did together, the things you taught one another. And you'll ALWAYS hate each other, the break up, the fights and simple disagreements.

Its natural.

It get's easier Slick!

I went through the same thing as you guys. Its been 8 months now and I dont think about it and I dont care anymore. It took a good 4 months or so to stop thinking about them having sex.

Hang in there

Yeah that sounds about right Joe, four months, four months of NC and being active. It is the worst thing to think about.

Sex is a crazy thing. There are many emotions and thought connected to sex and one of the most difficult to deal with is the idea of possession. We think, especially as men, that when we have sex with a woman we take possession of that person. Dominance and all that. This is where letting go comes in.

As for not wanting to be with other women, that is totally natural. Sooner or later you will find someone who you are interested in again. I am totally the same way. I think that it is easier for some people, men and women, to get back into the sack with someone. Strangely it is easier when you are cheating on someone too because you are not feeling so vulnerable. You feel like "oh yeah, sex is just a part of my day." and you are steady in your mind about it.

Losing a partner is really hard in the fact that we have become so comfortable with them and that level of intimacy is just so hard to recover from. But the good news is that women do like it too and there will be other women in your life who will enjoy being intimate with you.

One thing that I am feeling pressure over is to NOT feel pressure to have sex with someone. Being a man can be hard in the regard because we're "supposed to" get out and have as much sex as possible and if we aren't feeling up to it then there is something wrong. Well there is something wrong, our f***ing hearts are broken. I suspect that it is a good thing that you are emotionally connected enough to have that effect your desire to be with another person.

Good advice Bar, thanks.

Four months seems like forever when getting through each day is a challenge.

We broke contact on Tuesday. I realized that I had said EVERYTHING that I could and that nothing has worked. I thought that a week ago but we talked again, each time the hope in me that things can be worked out diminshed. Finally everytime now I think of something I want to say I realize that I have said it - with no results.

She, at least from the outside, appears to have moved on and the last couple of days I hope that I have bottomed. She has said some things to me that make me really question her maturity but the things that have come out of her mouth scream rebound but who knows. I can't analyze her relationship with someone else.

The sex thing is really tough though. Time heals all wounds...

I was where you were four months back. Constantly awake and thinking about laughing boy with his hands and bits all over her. Arghhh... Nothing steamed me up more! But over time (with everybody's posts and SD's advice), I started to realize that I can't control something that I have no control over. And that is the time for me to start living again. If my ex is doing whatever she wants then I should too.

But what really helped get over this particular point was getting out with another person on a date (not sexually). To be with someone else really helps to cement those ideas and does a good job of quelling the thoughts of the ex with someone else.

I still have occasional twinges where I get sad but they're only fleeting and few and far between. I'm beginning to feel better and I go on dates and even started seeing a girl (semi-seriously). I haven't committed because there is still a part of me that is avoiding a rebound situation. And I haven't been physically intimate with anyone else since my ex either.

So what you're going through is painful, but not abnormal. The duration is entirely an individual matter so what I went through and what you're going through will be different.

Keep strong and were all here for you. Take care of yourself brother.

Hey lostinatlanta,

glad to help. my second to last ex was really quick to jump in the sack with someone. it was insane and it was the first time that i had to deal with such craziness. she came back around to me then it was just drama and mess and then she did it again with someone new and then did it AGAIN! LOL. In retrospect it's really funny at the time it hurts like hell.

Years later we now work at the same place. We are able to talk, I actually don't mind hearing about her boyfriends, i mean i really don't mind at all. But you know why I don't mind?

Because i used that energy of feeling stepped on to get stronger. I went back to school, i kept exercising, i stayed creative, i forced myself to do the things for myself that I needed to do. I lived by the phrase "living well is the best revenge." and you know what...i out grew her.

If i let myself remain where I was I would probably still be vulnerable to her and that was 3 years ago. Now I have a new fight, but I am taking the next step forward. Surrounding myself with strong men who want to achieve things in life. Leaning on people here to help me stand. Looking back on my weaknesses and working to resolve them.

You're gonna have sex again. It'll be good. You will love again. Just try not to duplicate your past relationship with someone new. That is the hardest part.

Look, you just stopped talking to this girl on Tuesday. If you need to get some sleep go to the dr. and get some ambien. I still wake up in the morning and my thoughts are haunting but i am getting better and better sleep. Once you start getting some decent rest you will be able to relax more. The brain needs to rest and when you are sleeping your mind will sort some things out. I used to wake up sweating, screaming, nightmares. The ambien helped me to settle down and then i got off of it once i was back on schedule. I don't know if you are having difficulty sleeping but that is something that I went through and rest is really important.

dave im going through the same thing i know its hard feeling and im going crazy but you know what lets listen to justin when he sings what goes around get back around !

hey guys lets keep lisenting to justin song what goes around get back around ! they will be hurt soon !

Women have those thoughts too. It made me physically ill for awhile to picture him with some other woman so soon after the breakup...then when the time lines became more clear I had to deal with the fact he was with her while he was still with me...one bed to another....THAT is the worst feeling.

I miss sex and intimacy, but not enough to hop in bed with any random guy even though I've had a few offers.

I just hope when I do meet someone I want to be with physically I will be able to appreciate and trust him and not wonder if he is sleeping with someone else.

hey ruby, thanks for writing that because my experience with women has been so much that they move very quickly into finding someone else. it's reassuring to know that they aren't all like that. stupid to think i know but it's always been that way for me.

hey ruby, thanks for writing that because my experience with women has been so much that they move very quickly into finding someone else. it's reassuring to know that they aren't all like that. stupid to think i know but it's always been that way for me.

I'll second that too. I tend to go a longish time between boyfriends, sometimes a couple of years will go by. And it's ok. I don't like having a boyfriend or a date just for the sake of having one or to put a band-aid on loneliness (as I'm sure my most recent ex is doing with his latest pursuits ).

We can't control what the other does of course, but imho it's disrespectful too to jump right into another relationship after ending something meaningful. When my ex told me he had an online profile, before properly resolving our situation, for me it cheapened my whole experience with him. And doing it to likely try to score..ugh ugh ugh. [-(

We can't control what the other does of course, but imho it's disrespectful too to jump right into another relationship after ending something meaningful. [-(

I think the same way. I can't believe how somebody can go from being in love, or at least being very intimate with somebody, to jumping into bed with someone else. Like I said, my girlfriend of two-years is already sleeping with someone else, and we only broke up officially last week. It makes me sick

That said, I refuse to hop into bed with the first girl that comes along. In a way I want to, just for the quick fix. But I know in the longerm that'll just mess my head up even more, I just can't do it. Hopefully I'll find someone decent and actually be able to develop a relationship first.

We can't control what the other does of course, but imho it's disrespectful too to jump right into another relationship after ending something meaningful. [-(

I think the same way. I can't believe how somebody can go from being in love, or at least being very intimate with somebody, to jumping into bed with someone else. Like I said, my girlfriend of two-years is already sleeping with someone else, and we only broke up officially last week. It makes me sick I can't believe she could disrespect our memory and our relationship so much.

That said, I refuse to hop into bed with the first girl that comes along. In a way I want to, just for the quick fix. But I know in the longerm that'll just mess my head up even more, I just can't do it. Hopefully I'll find someone decent and actually be able to develop a relationship first.

I'm also glad to hear not all men have no problem jumping from one relationship to another, and I'm not the only woman who will go a year or more between relationships. All my exes, and the rest of the world it sometimes seems have no problem being with someone else right away. I so don't understand that.

I'll admit it is tough when that happens. I was married 12 years to someone else,

but when I got with my ex GF I was HER first. We were together for 3 1/2 years. It didn't seem like it was a problem at all for her to jump into bed with someone else., when she left me. She is still with the guy, but it doesn't bother me anymore. It does take awhile for those images to get out of your head. I had to take sleeping pills for months, because I couldn't go to sleep wondering what they were or weren't doing.

It takes awhile, but those feelings will fade. Just let good ol' time do it's thing!

You WILL get through this!

I was my ex's first too, and she has jumped into bed with another guy straight away too! Can't believe I convinced myself I was 'special' for her sleeping with me!

The loss of intimacy thing is hitting me again lately. I've been going through loads of ups and downs. Last week it was more the emotional things I was hurting from - the fact that she'll be holding this new guy watching DVDs together, looking into each other's eyes and getting lost, all the cute little things you whisper into each other's ears. That's what was hurting me.

But these last few days it's the sex. I don't miss sex, I miss sex with her. I can't get her gorgeous image out of my head. The gorgeous figure, the "I want you now" lustful look in her eyes, the way our bodies came together. I cannot believe she has given herself to somebody else.

 

But these last few days it's the sex. I don't miss sex, I miss sex with her. I can't get her gorgeous image out of my head. The gorgeous figure, the "I want you now" lustful look in her eyes, the way our bodies came together. I cannot believe she has given herself to somebody else.

exactly. I don't think about sex with anyone else.. No woman can turn me on like her.. Every other woman out there aren't even women to me.. It's just the one ..

Heck, I masturbate 5 times a day thinking of making love to her and it's been almost 2 months like this.. If I look at porn, no matter how hot the woman is, I can ONLY climax when thinking of making love to my ex near the end right before and during climax .. No one else arouses me at all.. And it's been like this for 5 years since I met her through our on and off relationship ..

The way she smells, tastes, looks, moans, and is so beautiful and sexy I can't put into words.. Even her feet arouse me and I never had a foot fetish before I met her.. With her though, I'd suck on her beautiful feet and toes for hours a day , she loved it too...

Yes, I know I sound pathetic but being totally in love is the most powerful thing that has ever overcome me ..