Girlfriend having rape problems

cannonball · 03-30-2007, 11:18 PM

My girlfriend was raped a few years ago and she is just starting to talk to her parents about it. She had talked with a college councelor, who recommended she go to the crisis center. She is trying to live with the situation, instead of just buring it deep inside. She told me today that she is starting to be overwelmed over the whole situation. I am concerned about her situation and want to know how to relate to her. When I try to give her advice she says that I do not know how she feels, so how can I relate to her. Until I viewed this site I did not realize how rape effects people. I want to know what I can say to her, and how I can better relate to her. I am just afraid that this situation will effect our relationship. She was raped before we started dating, and told me a month after we started dating, and I was very supportive when she wanted to talk about it. I supported her in her decision to see a councelor and supported her to visit the rape crisis center. I want her to get past the rape and live a healthy life, what do I do?

Scout · 03-30-2007, 11:29 PM

Hi, cannonball...there is a very insightful thread up (you might have already seen it) where different people talk about how rape affected them. Of course, everyone processes things differently, but there are some distinctly common patterns you'll probably notice in the thread: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=169417

It may be impossible to relate to your girlfriend, per sec...and I would try and resist the urge to give her advice, even though it comes from a desire to help her...I would just suggest you listen to and comfort her. Let her know you are someone she can trust to talk to about these things, without judging her or trying to "fix" things.

On the other hand, I am sure this is causing some stress for you. You can always talk here about this, as well. You will find a good group of supportive folks on this forum.

cannonball · 03-30-2007, 11:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scout

Hi, cannonball...there is a very insightful thread up (you might have already seen it) where different people talk about how rape affected them. Of course, everyone processes things differently, but there are some distinctly common patterns you'll probably notice in the thread: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=169417

It may be impossible to relate to your girlfriend, per sec...and I would try and resist the urge to give her advice, even though it comes from a desire to help her...I would just suggest you listen to and comfort her. Let her know you are someone she can trust to talk to about these things, without judging her or trying to "fix" things.

On the other hand, I am sure this is causing some stress for you. You can always talk here about this, as well. You will find a good group of supportive folks on this forum.

Thank you for your help, I am reading these threads and getting a good idea. I wasn't too sure about how rape affect women. When my girlfriend first told me I didn't see it as being anything more than another guy having sex with her. But when she started what she is going through now, all I can think of is how awful rape is. I would have never raped anyone, but I feel a lot stronger against it, seeing what it does to these people. I am from a small town, and so is my girlfriend, even being from a small town it still happend to her. Rape is worse than murder, it effects people in ways that is worse than death. I think some of the problems we are having in our relationship can be linked to her situation, as well as her ex-boyfriends lack of support in the matter. And maybe the idea that she kept it locked up for so long.

musicguy · 03-31-2007, 12:33 AM

cannonball. My ex's have been raped and lemme tell you it was very hard because they had a lot of nightmares and it was hard for us to be intimate because of the rape (which is understandable) the only thing that you can do is to just be there for her. Rape is a memory that women have a hard time getting over, it's a lifelong memory. Make sure she goes to counseling and stand by her side through everything.

Karhu · 03-31-2007, 04:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cannonball

I am concerned about her situation and want to know how to relate to her. When I try to give her advice she says that I do not know how she feels, so how can I relate to her.

It sounds like she wants you to listen, understand, relate. She doesn’t want any advice, she probably gets enough. She probably just wants to be heard, and wants to feel like you can hear her and understand her.

Active listening is very important, full attention, body language, eye contact etc. then when she finishes her sentence instead of giving her advice, simply relay her feelings back to her, say something like “mmm, so you are feeling....” etc. You are only really repeating EXACTLY what she just said in your own words, it means a LOT to woman, that shows that you were listening and understanding. They don’t want any extra advice tacked on the end, they just want you to understand them. She wants ou to understand and feel what she went through and what’s in her mind.

Yes, you have never been raped, and so haven’t actually been there. If she feels like she hasn’t been heard she’ll say stuff like “you can never relate to it, it hasn’t happened to you” etc. true, but this is just her frustration that she hasn’t been heard. By living through the experience through her eyes, as she sees it, it’ll build a closeness and understanding between the two of you, which will help her work through her feelings and also build closeness between the two of you.

Siriana · 03-31-2007, 06:32 AM

Just avoid a mistake most guys do: she doesn't need advice (she doesn't need you to give her a solution). she just needs you to listen to her. It's that simple. You guys tend to freeze if a girl is venting because you want to find a solution!

There was a great sentence about it in a book called "All about a boy" written by Nick Hornby.
A girl is crying to a guy in a middle of a restaurant and he's all freaked out from fear. She says to him (I'm not quoting, I am writing this from memory) - the only thing you need to do is listen. You are desperately trying to find a person who'll fix this and give me a solution. We girls are not like that. I know you could feel happy only if you could give me a telephone number of a guy who can fix this - but I'm not your friend with a broken car

It's a very cute book! Better than the movie.

This rule applys in general. If she doesn't ask for solution do not give it. The only thing she needs is someone to listen.

I've never been in her situation so I don't know how to be of better help - but this way of comunicating might be of good use.

You can read "Men are from Mars and woman are from Venus" book. It has some great communication suggestions for people in relationship. It includes this suggestion - do not give solutions, just listen her venting.
You know the case - your gf comes all sad and frustrated from work and she starts venting. Than you say: well next time you can...? That way you're risking to be dead in the next 5 minutes. The only thing she needs is a hug and a sentence: come here, sit, and tell me all about it!

Good luck, you sound like a very good bf!

mike`ca · 03-31-2007, 07:41 AM

just standy by her and do what you can to help her get through this, I always loving boosting my girls self-esteem!

cannonball · 03-31-2007, 10:31 AM

Well we broke up last night, and her main basis for breaking up is that she said it might take her years to get over the rape issue. She is saying that she cannot handle a boyfriend right now, and that she is overwelmed with school and getting over the rape issue. In a situation where I want to be supportive for her, and be there for her; I am sitting here on the side-lines with a broken heart. We had a long term relationship, which was my first ever; and had plans to make it longer, where out of the blue she breaks up with me. She is talking like she does not want to get back together, because she wants to think about her and getting over her situation. I am so confused right now, we are still on good speaking terms. One side of me wants her to learn to deal with this issue, and the other side of me wants to work on getting back together. I told her last night that I dont think we will be able to get back together, while I was unable to sleep last night because I was thinking about her. I want to tell her that my heart wants to get back together, but my mind will not let me; because I want to see her through this situation and not be a burden. I feel that I can't because she will think I am being selfish.

musicguy · 03-31-2007, 12:26 PM

I'm sorry that you two broke up and I'm sure that it's really hard for you. She's dealing with a lot of stuff right now and maybe she felt that it was the best thing for her, I don't know. She needs to get some sort of counselig in order for her try to get over this or talk with the people at RAINN.

Scout · 03-31-2007, 12:34 PM

Geez, cannonball...I'm awfully sorry about this, for both of you. Because you are someone who it seems she can really trust during this difficult time and I think you would be an invaluable source of support for her.

Unfortunately, it sounds like now that she's facing everything that happened to her, it's pretty much freaking her out. I've never been through what she has, poor thing...but I can imagine it must be horrific to finally come to terms with, although eventually it will be the best thing she could do for herself.

I'm afraid all I can suggest is that maybe you just let her know if she needs a friend, someone to talk to...that you're there for her. However, I think for your own heart's sake, you shouldn't wait on standby in the hopes of a reconciliation. It may or may not happen, but there is only so much you can do. Just offer to be her friend, encourage her to keep dealing with this stuff, and...well, try to get on with your life at the same time, too.

Easier said than done, I know.

03-30-2007, 11:18 PM	#1
cannonball Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Northern California Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 13	Girlfriend having rape problems My girlfriend was raped a few years ago and she is just starting to talk to her parents about it. She had talked with a college councelor, who recommended she go to the crisis center. She is trying to live with the situation, instead of just buring it deep inside. She told me today that she is starting to be overwelmed over the whole situation. I am concerned about her situation and want to know how to relate to her. When I try to give her advice she says that I do not know how she feels, so how can I relate to her. Until I viewed this site I did not realize how rape effects people. I want to know what I can say to her, and how I can better relate to her. I am just afraid that this situation will effect our relationship. She was raped before we started dating, and told me a month after we started dating, and I was very supportive when she wanted to talk about it. I supported her in her decision to see a councelor and supported her to visit the rape crisis center. I want her to get past the rape and live a healthy life, what do I do?

03-30-2007, 11:29 PM	#2
Scout Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 7,292	Hi, cannonball...there is a very insightful thread up (you might have already seen it) where different people talk about how rape affected them. Of course, everyone processes things differently, but there are some distinctly common patterns you'll probably notice in the thread: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=169417 It may be impossible to relate to your girlfriend, per sec...and I would try and resist the urge to give her advice, even though it comes from a desire to help her...I would just suggest you listen to and comfort her. Let her know you are someone she can trust to talk to about these things, without judging her or trying to "fix" things. On the other hand, I am sure this is causing some stress for you. You can always talk here about this, as well. You will find a good group of supportive folks on this forum. __________________ If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. * * * One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. - Dale Carnegie * * * Bob Ross rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOpF_ZGD4Ps

03-31-2007, 06:32 AM	#6
Siriana Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Europe Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 3,769	Just avoid a mistake most guys do: she doesn't need advice (she doesn't need you to give her a solution). she just needs you to listen to her. It's that simple. You guys tend to freeze if a girl is venting because you want to find a solution! There was a great sentence about it in a book called "All about a boy" written by Nick Hornby. A girl is crying to a guy in a middle of a restaurant and he's all freaked out from fear. She says to him (I'm not quoting, I am writing this from memory) - the only thing you need to do is listen. You are desperately trying to find a person who'll fix this and give me a solution. We girls are not like that. I know you could feel happy only if you could give me a telephone number of a guy who can fix this - but I'm not your friend with a broken car It's a very cute book! Better than the movie. This rule applys in general. If she doesn't ask for solution do not give it. The only thing she needs is someone to listen. I've never been in her situation so I don't know how to be of better help - but this way of comunicating might be of good use. You can read "Men are from Mars and woman are from Venus" book. It has some great communication suggestions for people in relationship. It includes this suggestion - do not give solutions, just listen her venting. You know the case - your gf comes all sad and frustrated from work and she starts venting. Than you say: well next time you can...? That way you're risking to be dead in the next 5 minutes. The only thing she needs is a hug and a sentence: come here, sit, and tell me all about it! Good luck, you sound like a very good bf! __________________ Quid pro quo "Don't have any children or get married until you can support and love yourself first." Last edited by Siriana; 03-31-2007 at 06:36 AM.

03-31-2007, 07:41 AM	#7
mike`ca Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 874	just standy by her and do what you can to help her get through this, I always loving boosting my girls self-esteem! __________________ "There are certain people you just keep coming back to She is right in front of you You begin to wonder could you find a better one Compared to her now she's in question .. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same Maybe you want her maybe you need her Maybe you started to compare to someone not there" The Fray - All at once

03-31-2007, 12:34 PM	#10
Scout Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 7,292	Geez, cannonball...I'm awfully sorry about this, for both of you. Because you are someone who it seems she can really trust during this difficult time and I think you would be an invaluable source of support for her. Unfortunately, it sounds like now that she's facing everything that happened to her, it's pretty much freaking her out. I've never been through what she has, poor thing...but I can imagine it must be horrific to finally come to terms with, although eventually it will be the best thing she could do for herself. I'm afraid all I can suggest is that maybe you just let her know if she needs a friend, someone to talk to...that you're there for her. However, I think for your own heart's sake, you shouldn't wait on standby in the hopes of a reconciliation. It may or may not happen, but there is only so much you can do. Just offer to be her friend, encourage her to keep dealing with this stuff, and...well, try to get on with your life at the same time, too. Easier said than done, I know. __________________ If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. * * * One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. - Dale Carnegie * * * Bob Ross rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOpF_ZGD4Ps

03-31-2007, 12:33 AM	#4
musicguy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Tattoo Land Gender: Male Age: 30 Posts: 3,751	cannonball. My ex's have been raped and lemme tell you it was very hard because they had a lot of nightmares and it was hard for us to be intimate because of the rape (which is understandable) the only thing that you can do is to just be there for her. Rape is a memory that women have a hard time getting over, it's a lifelong memory. Make sure she goes to counseling and stand by her side through everything.

03-31-2007, 10:31 AM	#8
cannonball Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Northern California Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 13	Well we broke up last night, and her main basis for breaking up is that she said it might take her years to get over the rape issue. She is saying that she cannot handle a boyfriend right now, and that she is overwelmed with school and getting over the rape issue. In a situation where I want to be supportive for her, and be there for her; I am sitting here on the side-lines with a broken heart. We had a long term relationship, which was my first ever; and had plans to make it longer, where out of the blue she breaks up with me. She is talking like she does not want to get back together, because she wants to think about her and getting over her situation. I am so confused right now, we are still on good speaking terms. One side of me wants her to learn to deal with this issue, and the other side of me wants to work on getting back together. I told her last night that I dont think we will be able to get back together, while I was unable to sleep last night because I was thinking about her. I want to tell her that my heart wants to get back together, but my mind will not let me; because I want to see her through this situation and not be a burden. I feel that I can't because she will think I am being selfish.

03-31-2007, 12:26 PM	#9
musicguy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Tattoo Land Gender: Male Age: 30 Posts: 3,751	I'm sorry that you two broke up and I'm sure that it's really hard for you. She's dealing with a lot of stuff right now and maybe she felt that it was the best thing for her, I don't know. She needs to get some sort of counselig in order for her try to get over this or talk with the people at RAINN.