my girlfriend was raped and abused

johndeerestx30 · 03-26-2007, 01:09 AM

well first off id like to say hi to everyone, and i just joined this forum.
a little background story, im 20 years old, still a virgin, and just got into my first "real" relationship. ive had a few teenage relationships but nothing seriouse and nothing ever came of them. so about 2 months ago i met this girl (ill call her "amy" not her real name) through a friend. we hit it off and after a few weeks i asked her out and she said yes. weve been going out since march first and didnt take long for both of us to say "i love you". now im not one that throws that word around at all and i really do meen it. anyway, we were in my room one night on my bed making out and things naturally progressed, so while i was kissing around her stomach and neck i had started to undo her belt and she stopped me and said im sorry and started crying. i figured something was up and told her not to be sorry and that its not her fault. and said that im here to talk anytime you want and just held her in my arms while she cried. the next night were chillen on my bed doing as kids do and she says i need to talk to you. so she tells me that her last (and first) BF raped her. and after this she started crying once again and i told her that i was sorry and just held her and couldnt really say anything but let her know i was there and i even teared up a little seeing her cry. a few days pass and things go great and we both get really heated up but at the same point (the point where cloths start coming off) she freezes and cant go any further. she mentiond one time that her BF had abused her going as far as breaking her cheek bone. when she told me this she actually felt scared for me (not of, for) because i clearly looked like i was ready to hunt him down and kill him (and would have). so last night things are going good and i rip my shirt off and asked her if she wanted to try baby steps and take hers off and that we can stop at anytime. she says yea and takes her shirt off but leaves her bra on. so i asked her if she was allright and she said its hard but shes doing allright. so were making out and im kissing allover her body and thats as far as it goes. earlier today i asked her what it was that makes her freeze up and she said that when shes closes her eyes shes fine up until clothes come off then she can see him. i suggested she try with her eyes open and see how it goes. so about 2 hours of cuddling and kissing and talking things are starting to heat up again and i had started to feel her up just rubbing her breast through her shirt and asked her if she was allright and she said yea. Then she wanted to take her shirt off to give me access to her breast but asked me if i would keep my eyes open with her. i said yes. so im playing around and shes nervouse but i asked her a few times if she was allright and she said yes. things went good and i had her bra up not off and she was allright, not doing great but doing allright and didnt want me to stop. so after a bit i asked her if she wanted to try closing her eyes for 10 seconds and see how it goes and she went about 5 seconds and lost it. so i did what i do and held her close and reassured her that its allright and that we will work through this. she wants to get past this and said she wants to have sex and progress this but cant. im being as supportive as i can but i really dont know what to do. she never did tell her parents. as a matter of fact her mom found out she "slept" with her ex and she had gotten in trouble for that. i didnt get the whole story but i believe her dad knows about the abuse but they hid it from her mom. im the only that knows about the rape aside from a therapist that she went to. i dont know full storys but i have a feeling her brother knows somethign happend cause he has told me if he ever sees him that he plans to kill him. Im the first person, guy or girl, that shes let back in her life since and have proved to her that im not an ******* and that i wont ever make her do something she dosnt want to. i even told her that nothing will ever happen unless the 2 of us are 100% on it. thats goes for me and her.
im sorry for the long winded post and the many spelling and gramatical errors. i just need some advice on what to do. we are taking baby steps and doing one thing at time until were both comfortable.

agualibre777 · 03-26-2007, 01:47 AM

wow. i'm really, really happy for her that you are there for her. it's really hard for a woman to open up and tell someone because for the person who went through it, it feels really shameful. especially when it's your boyfriend... cause it's confusing. my first boyfriend tried to rape me by getting me drunk and trying to get my clothes off, but i wouldn't i just cried and cried, and the next day he brought another girl to school. but i've spoken with many, many women that have been raped by partners. i would recommend taking it really slow like you are and maybe just letting her decide when to escalate things, just make out and cuddle and be close and build your trust up for a longer period of time. after all, you have time right? it's only been two months, i mean, really, you could wait even longer to be sexual couldn't you? for rape victims, the sexual part is really traumatizing, and it's also traumatizing for you to see the effect that you have on her being male and being sexual with her... it hurts a lot for both people... is she still seeing a therapist? people can see therapists for years with little progress, I have a friend that was raped multiple times by her father and by doctors as well and she has been in therapy for years and years and still has nightmares. but her partner was also raped and she said that sex isn't as important to their relationship. i would back off a lot on the sexual part and let HER initiate. let her know you feel she is sexy and you care for her and cuddle and all, but don't take off her clothes, let her take them off...

johndeerestx30 · 03-26-2007, 02:04 AM

well getting to that "point" is really mutal. its both of us that contribute equally. she really wants to as do i, but only if shes 100% comfortable with it. shes fine until that point and cant go any further. I dont mind waiting and if it helps her then id prefer it. Its just difficult because we both want it. I made it very clear that she is in control and that i wont take any clothes off unless asked to. I also asked her if she wanted me to ask if shes ready to try something or if she just want to completly take the lead and she wants me to ask her. for example instead of waiting for her to take off her shirt, and inplace of me doing it, ill ask if she wants to and if not thats fine. so far shes liking it cause even tho its hard for her it helping. what im looking for i guess is reasurance that im doing that right thing and any advice from anyone. she isnt seeing the therapist anymore. id hate for this to sound like im "pushing" her for my benefit but i really am doing it mostly for her and some for "us" if that makes sence. through clothes theres no issues with groping and such and she gets really into and weve done a bit of "dry humping" also. Also yesterday i tried out a trick i learned from a lesbian friend of mine and that was to use my knee inplace of my hand to get her off. i took one "practice" sweep with my knee and asked if that was allright and she said yes. after she mentiond that while it wasnt a baby step she enjoyed it and that shes not sure if it will help or not but it was definatly a step in the "right" direction.
my feeling with that is that it may help as she was still fully clothed and it showed her she can infact come without having to worry about getting undressed and "seeing him". I think it may have been a little soon for it but the 2 of us were real cought up in the moment.

agualibre777 · 03-26-2007, 02:07 AM

well, it sounds good... but i dunno. is she really wanting to have sex or is it because she thinks that is what you want and she wants to please you? it could be, just something to consider. but it sounds like you are doing the right thing asking her every step of the way, i just think being there, cuddling and making out is good for now. it's only been two months, you can't *really* know you love someone in just two months, give it time, let things go slow... it's o.k...

johndeerestx30 · 03-26-2007, 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by agualibre777

well, it sounds good... but i dunno. is she really wanting to have sex or is it because she thinks that is what you want and she wants to please you? it could be, just something to consider. but it sounds like you are doing the right thing asking her every step of the way, i just think being there, cuddling and making out is good for now. it's only been two months, you can't *really* know you love someone in just two months, give it time, let things go slow... it's o.k...

She really does want to, because ive made it clear to her that while i do want it to an extent id much rather have a solid relationship first. i know 2 months is nothing and i guess slow is somewhat relative. i completly suprised myself when i told her i love her and its because ive never felt so at ease with someone and it was something said from the heart. she feels the same way. it starts with us just cuddling and kisssing but then it never fails that one of us gets "mad" at the other (the play mad things she steals my pillow from me or i poke fun at her or vice vers) and we end up tickling each other which leads to hand everywhere and ends up at athe above mentioned situation or we tease each other (seeing who can last longer without kissing the other or what have you) and that all leads to the same place.

Fisch · 03-26-2007, 02:22 AM

This girl is traumatized, though I know she wants to keep it private, she could probably benefit from some professional counseling.

johndeerestx30 · 03-26-2007, 02:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fisch

This girl is traumatized, though I know she wants to keep it private, she could probably benefit from some professional counseling.

i know, i confided in a friend i have (who now happens to be going with her bro) whats going on. this girl has always been my goto girl and im always her goto guy. she offered to tlk to her as shes been through a similiar situation but she dosnt want to. My GF wont talk to anyone else about it. She dosnt trust anyone short of me and her family but feels she cant talk to them for some reason allthough ive suggested it. im going to try and bring up the fact that she needs someone professional and will offer to go with her, however i know that she wont. i just feel real bad and helpless. i have a tough time dealing with things like this cause i cant just turn a wrench and fix it. Im also limited on people i can turn to as aside from my friend whos going with her bro i have no one to goto and seek advice. Im always the calm collected one that is giving the advice. friends joke that i should become a therapist.

Locke2121 · 03-26-2007, 07:14 AM

Professional counseling couldn't hurt...but in the meantime YOU ARE DOING GREAT! You don't seem to be having at tough time at all to me! Your understanding, loving and letting her know that your willing to go to any lengths to make her feel safe. The baby steps are wonderful! Just remember to let HER remain in full control of the situation each time. Always try to keep it as light-hearted as possible each time. Never set a goal, just try, as gently as possible, to prolong the loving moment just a few seconds longer each time.

It also sounds like her family is there for her, which is good.

Think about trying this...get back into a sexual situation that your both comfortable in. Have her look deep into your eyes, smile and tell her to think only of you. Then tell her to close her eyes and hold that image. Three seconds later have her open her eyes. The idea is to not let her have enough time to switch over to an image of the pervert who hurt her. As time goes on, this will get easier and easier for her.

Keep up the work, you da man!

03-26-2007, 01:09 AM	#1
johndeerestx30 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Mass Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 14	my girlfriend was raped and abused well first off id like to say hi to everyone, and i just joined this forum. a little background story, im 20 years old, still a virgin, and just got into my first "real" relationship. ive had a few teenage relationships but nothing seriouse and nothing ever came of them. so about 2 months ago i met this girl (ill call her "amy" not her real name) through a friend. we hit it off and after a few weeks i asked her out and she said yes. weve been going out since march first and didnt take long for both of us to say "i love you". now im not one that throws that word around at all and i really do meen it. anyway, we were in my room one night on my bed making out and things naturally progressed, so while i was kissing around her stomach and neck i had started to undo her belt and she stopped me and said im sorry and started crying. i figured something was up and told her not to be sorry and that its not her fault. and said that im here to talk anytime you want and just held her in my arms while she cried. the next night were chillen on my bed doing as kids do and she says i need to talk to you. so she tells me that her last (and first) BF raped her. and after this she started crying once again and i told her that i was sorry and just held her and couldnt really say anything but let her know i was there and i even teared up a little seeing her cry. a few days pass and things go great and we both get really heated up but at the same point (the point where cloths start coming off) she freezes and cant go any further. she mentiond one time that her BF had abused her going as far as breaking her cheek bone. when she told me this she actually felt scared for me (not of, for) because i clearly looked like i was ready to hunt him down and kill him (and would have). so last night things are going good and i rip my shirt off and asked her if she wanted to try baby steps and take hers off and that we can stop at anytime. she says yea and takes her shirt off but leaves her bra on. so i asked her if she was allright and she said its hard but shes doing allright. so were making out and im kissing allover her body and thats as far as it goes. earlier today i asked her what it was that makes her freeze up and she said that when shes closes her eyes shes fine up until clothes come off then she can see him. i suggested she try with her eyes open and see how it goes. so about 2 hours of cuddling and kissing and talking things are starting to heat up again and i had started to feel her up just rubbing her breast through her shirt and asked her if she was allright and she said yea. Then she wanted to take her shirt off to give me access to her breast but asked me if i would keep my eyes open with her. i said yes. so im playing around and shes nervouse but i asked her a few times if she was allright and she said yes. things went good and i had her bra up not off and she was allright, not doing great but doing allright and didnt want me to stop. so after a bit i asked her if she wanted to try closing her eyes for 10 seconds and see how it goes and she went about 5 seconds and lost it. so i did what i do and held her close and reassured her that its allright and that we will work through this. she wants to get past this and said she wants to have sex and progress this but cant. im being as supportive as i can but i really dont know what to do. she never did tell her parents. as a matter of fact her mom found out she "slept" with her ex and she had gotten in trouble for that. i didnt get the whole story but i believe her dad knows about the abuse but they hid it from her mom. im the only that knows about the rape aside from a therapist that she went to. i dont know full storys but i have a feeling her brother knows somethign happend cause he has told me if he ever sees him that he plans to kill him. Im the first person, guy or girl, that shes let back in her life since and have proved to her that im not an ******* and that i wont ever make her do something she dosnt want to. i even told her that nothing will ever happen unless the 2 of us are 100% on it. thats goes for me and her. im sorry for the long winded post and the many spelling and gramatical errors. i just need some advice on what to do. we are taking baby steps and doing one thing at time until were both comfortable.

03-26-2007, 02:22 AM	#6
Fisch Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Pennsylvania Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 547	This girl is traumatized, though I know she wants to keep it private, she could probably benefit from some professional counseling. __________________ Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. -Slovenian Proverb If Pam Beesly were real, I would want to date her.

03-26-2007, 07:14 AM	#8
Locke2121 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The South, nuff said. Gender: Male Posts: 1,661	Professional counseling couldn't hurt...but in the meantime YOU ARE DOING GREAT! You don't seem to be having at tough time at all to me! Your understanding, loving and letting her know that your willing to go to any lengths to make her feel safe. The baby steps are wonderful! Just remember to let HER remain in full control of the situation each time. Always try to keep it as light-hearted as possible each time. Never set a goal, just try, as gently as possible, to prolong the loving moment just a few seconds longer each time. It also sounds like her family is there for her, which is good. Think about trying this...get back into a sexual situation that your both comfortable in. Have her look deep into your eyes, smile and tell her to think only of you. Then tell her to close her eyes and hold that image. Three seconds later have her open her eyes. The idea is to not let her have enough time to switch over to an image of the pervert who hurt her. As time goes on, this will get easier and easier for her. Keep up the work, you da man! __________________ Blessings Be. http://www.myspace.com/locke2121 "Bald is beautiful......at least thats what I keep saying to myself!"

03-26-2007, 01:47 AM	#2
agualibre777 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 173	wow. i'm really, really happy for her that you are there for her. it's really hard for a woman to open up and tell someone because for the person who went through it, it feels really shameful. especially when it's your boyfriend... cause it's confusing. my first boyfriend tried to rape me by getting me drunk and trying to get my clothes off, but i wouldn't i just cried and cried, and the next day he brought another girl to school. but i've spoken with many, many women that have been raped by partners. i would recommend taking it really slow like you are and maybe just letting her decide when to escalate things, just make out and cuddle and be close and build your trust up for a longer period of time. after all, you have time right? it's only been two months, i mean, really, you could wait even longer to be sexual couldn't you? for rape victims, the sexual part is really traumatizing, and it's also traumatizing for you to see the effect that you have on her being male and being sexual with her... it hurts a lot for both people... is she still seeing a therapist? people can see therapists for years with little progress, I have a friend that was raped multiple times by her father and by doctors as well and she has been in therapy for years and years and still has nightmares. but her partner was also raped and she said that sex isn't as important to their relationship. i would back off a lot on the sexual part and let HER initiate. let her know you feel she is sexy and you care for her and cuddle and all, but don't take off her clothes, let her take them off...

03-26-2007, 02:04 AM	#3
johndeerestx30 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Mass Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 14	well getting to that "point" is really mutal. its both of us that contribute equally. she really wants to as do i, but only if shes 100% comfortable with it. shes fine until that point and cant go any further. I dont mind waiting and if it helps her then id prefer it. Its just difficult because we both want it. I made it very clear that she is in control and that i wont take any clothes off unless asked to. I also asked her if she wanted me to ask if shes ready to try something or if she just want to completly take the lead and she wants me to ask her. for example instead of waiting for her to take off her shirt, and inplace of me doing it, ill ask if she wants to and if not thats fine. so far shes liking it cause even tho its hard for her it helping. what im looking for i guess is reasurance that im doing that right thing and any advice from anyone. she isnt seeing the therapist anymore. id hate for this to sound like im "pushing" her for my benefit but i really am doing it mostly for her and some for "us" if that makes sence. through clothes theres no issues with groping and such and she gets really into and weve done a bit of "dry humping" also. Also yesterday i tried out a trick i learned from a lesbian friend of mine and that was to use my knee inplace of my hand to get her off. i took one "practice" sweep with my knee and asked if that was allright and she said yes. after she mentiond that while it wasnt a baby step she enjoyed it and that shes not sure if it will help or not but it was definatly a step in the "right" direction. my feeling with that is that it may help as she was still fully clothed and it showed her she can infact come without having to worry about getting undressed and "seeing him". I think it may have been a little soon for it but the 2 of us were real cought up in the moment.

03-26-2007, 02:07 AM	#4
agualibre777 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 173	well, it sounds good... but i dunno. is she really wanting to have sex or is it because she thinks that is what you want and she wants to please you? it could be, just something to consider. but it sounds like you are doing the right thing asking her every step of the way, i just think being there, cuddling and making out is good for now. it's only been two months, you can't really know you love someone in just two months, give it time, let things go slow... it's o.k...