Insanely strict parents...

HopelesslyLovely · 03-24-2007, 02:30 PM

My girlfriend's parents are making her life miserable, thus making mine miserable. They've even resorted to spying one her!

My girlfriend of six months and I have not been able to go out... not officially at least. For months I'd give her a ride after school, and spend around an hour with her, because both of her parents work, and they couldn't find out, or at least it was not likely. Apart from that we always spoke for hours on the phone, sometimes even hours a day, for six months. Anyways, two weeks ago, right before spring break, we decided to skip three classes. The reason for this, though I'm told was unwise, was that I was going out of town for spring break, and we wouldn't get to see, or speak, to each other for a week. Plainly, I'd miss her and wanted to spend as much time as possible with her that last day. So we went to her house, also unwisely, and spent around two hours there. Unfortunately for us, the neighbor saw us and informed her mother that afternoon. Now, obviously her parents, my parents, and the neighbor thought we had sex, but we did not. My parents have grown to believe me, but hers are less accepting. In fact, her mother called me, forbidding me to "even try to contact her." We still have school together, luckily, but that's hardly enough enough time spent together, I feel. They've lost any trust they might have begun to have in me, and have even resorted to spying on their daughter, my girlfriend, to make sure that she's staying away from me. Before that, though, they spoke to her teachers and counselor, though I don't know about what. Fortunately, apparently I have one teacher that cares about us, and warned me to tell my parents if I hadn't already, though I already had. I distinctly remember her telling me that the counselor thought it would be a good idea if her parents let us go out on the weekends, so that we wouldn't feel the impulse to do anything like that again.

Though all modesty may be lost in this, I think I'm a decent guy, the kind I'd want my daughter to go out with if I had one. I mean, I'm first in my class (I suppose a parent would like that), want to practice abstinence, and have waited for six months to even start to go out with their daughter, but I slipped up. They've even taken her phone from her, making any contact away from school impossible.

So I guess the reason I'm writing this is to find out if anyone might have some insight into what might possibly happen. I mean, for parents especially, what could I do to change their minds, if they even will, or how long until they begin to trust their daughter (and me) again? I imagine once they know for a fact that she's not pregnant they'll believe us at least an iota more, but fear that they might just consider us lucky...

I suppose I might also add that she and her parents have never had a good relationship. In fact, she's even told me about her wishes of "having another home to go to."

(sorry about the repeated thread, I was just unpleased with the first one, in which I only recieved one response, albeit thoughtful)

HopelesslyLovely · 03-24-2007, 02:34 PM

Oh, I guess I'll add her punishments to reflect the thread name. She's not allowed to be at home alone anymore, and has had her phone taken away (even though she takes the bus everyday after school... now I constantly worry about what might happen to her). They explicitly ordered her to not allow me to walk with her to the bus stop, so I can't relieve my worries. They've taken her computer and mp3 player away, and have limited her TV watching. Not that she does nothing else, in fact, she goes to a youth center after school to help children with homework! Personally, I've become to dislike, if not hate her parents, because though she does nothing wrong, excpet for that one time, they've been making her do all the housework for years (imagine a Cinderella situation), and she never resists.

CarnelianButterfly · 03-24-2007, 02:56 PM

It really is their choice how they raise their daughter. If she was forbidden to date and broke that rule, then they are following up with discipline. Your parents may raise you differently, but that does not mean hers are wrong. They are trying to protect their daughter from the many things that are rampant, like teen pregnancy, STI's and such. They are strict in your view, but how would you think they see your parents, they could very well call them lax.

She has obviously broken their trust, she skipped school and was home alone with a guy, they have every right to be angry. Neither of those things are small infractions. The skipping alone would make many parents very upset, but adding the sneaking around with a boy, its not really hard to see they are justified in their concern and anger.

The Cinderella reference is a little over the top, having a child learn to be responsible and be a productive part of the house isn't cruel or forcing a child to sleep on a hearth.

spinstermanquee · 03-24-2007, 03:13 PM

HopelesslyLovely, I got some good advice here on the forum today and am most pleased... let me see if I can offer you anything helpful in turn...

Sadly she broke her parents trust and will need to earn back the trust she lost. And even if they didn't have a rule about guests, many parents would be uncomfortable with having visitors in their home without their knowledge - even though you weren't doing anything wrong it just SEEMED sneaky. Most parents don't want their daughter to become a teen parent (like, my worst nightmare). And to find out from a neighbor instead of their daughter… well you get the picture.

Now as a parent of a 17-year-old daughter I can say nothing impresses me more than when a young man speaks directly to us. Would it be possible to approach with something like this (of course all in your own words):

Mr. and Mrs. X, can we talk?
1) Take full and complete responsibility for breaking the "rules." No explanations, no excuses. I am sorry, it was wrong, will not repeat.
2) Tell them their daughter is special and you honor her chastity, that you are waiting (like what you confided above). Everyone likes to hear how great their kid is, and alleviating their fears about the "nasty" would be a very mature move on your part.
3) Ask them what you can do to earn back their trust - maybe only visiting when one or both parents are in their house, coming to a family dinner or two, introducing your parents, only going out with her in groups instead of 1-on-1 dates, etc. Make sure if you are with her in the house you NEVER close the door behind you, always leave it ajar or wide open (did you ever see that scene in Gilmore Girls when Dean closes the door and his Mom burst in)? Ew.

Remember we fear what we don't know and if you are half the young man you seem to be then you can only win with this type of open and direct strategy.

It may seem very difficult to talk this way or like kissing up to her parents but it's really not. It's addressing the problem and proposing some solutions until such time they feel comfortable with you. You could even talk to your parents about it, and one or both of them might help you role play the conversation, or just lend you moral support.

Well I hope there is something in here for you. Good luck to your and your girlfriend.

w

HopelesslyLovely · 03-24-2007, 03:16 PM

The thing is that she wasn't forbidden from seeing me, as long as it was in school... and the Cinderella reference is as accurate as I could make it. Formerly I would be speaking to her on the phone when I would hear her father yell at her to take his glass to the kitchen, or feed his dog, make a meal for him, or her brother, etc. I was on the verge of an invitation to dinner to meet her parents, but now that's highly unlikely.

It aslo wasn't as simple as skipping a class. It started when she asked me for a ride to her house to pick up some homework she'd forgotten, because it was the end of the grading period, and she has high academic standards. I acquiesced, but once we were there I convinced her that we might as well stay for that one class, since we'd obviously be well over 20 minutes late if we'd left immediately. I admit it's my fault for having convinced her to stay there for the remaining school day, but in all honesty, the day before any vacation is a day full of doing nothing because the teachers don't want to have anything to grade over their vacation.

How likely is it that they'll either get over it, forgive her, or me, and let us be? If even possible, how long would that take, and what could I do to speed up the process?

HopelesslyLovely · 03-24-2007, 03:22 PM

Wendymg, the thing about that is that her father has, shall we say "violent tendencies." I've spoken to my parents about doing that very thing, but they frown on it, and I don't blame them for it. However, I'd still like to do it, but could not if I plan on continuing an open relationship with my parents. Would a phone call lose the sincerity, or could that suffice in this case? When her mother called me I did take full responsibility, but that was little after she found out, and was still furious and yelling, so I doubt she heard, or chose not to hear. I'd prefer to talk with a single parent, but don't know which would be more appropriate, but considering what her father is like, I'd choose her mother.

I appreciate the advice from a parent, so thank you.

CarnelianButterfly · 03-24-2007, 03:26 PM

Its still truancy even if its the day before break. Class and school are important. You need to understand it is not something you can blow off even with break coming up. Your flippancy over your transgression shows you haven't really learned anything from this.

You need to tell her parents you were wrong, you acted irresponsibly and that you were not respectful of their rules.

If you want to regain their trust and see their daughter you will have to make it clear you know it was wrong and you will not do it again. It would be good for you to ask if you could have chaperoned visits and maybe spend time just studying with their daughter or be allowed to have meals with them so that the whole family is present when you are together.

spinstermanquee · 03-24-2007, 03:37 PM

Well. first, I would try to conduct this business WITHOUT the girlfriend anywhere around. Even try to make sure she is not home for the initial phone call. Her presence might skew the conversation in person or over the phone - Dad might need to be more "manly" or somesuch if he has testosterone issues.

Whichever parent answers the phone, you could say something like, "Good afternoon Mr/Mrs. X, this is HopelesslyLovely and I'd like to speak with you and clean up this bit of a mess I seem to have gotten myself and little X into (hehe). Because your daughter is important to me, and I know she is the world to you (kiss kiss

), I really would like to talk about how I could make this right again in person.

If Yes
Make appt for when daughter is NOT around; shoot for a public venue if you fear the father's temper or bring parents with you; have conversation, be sincere and willing to accept WHATEVER they tell you. And I cannot stress this enough, NO excuses. No matter how accountable we humans are we always seem to lapse into them

If No
Well gosh, then, can we speak now on the telephone? Have conversation.

In the final analysis - If they say, "Never no way, you loser HopelesslyLovely you," you can always say, "I am sorry you feel this way but I accept your decision and will respect your wishes." And no sneaking.

Having said all that, I think that no parent can resist someone who really, truly cares about their kid; takes responsibility for their mistakes; and tries to make it right again.

Go for it my dear!

spinstermanquee · 03-24-2007, 04:01 PM

They *may* initially say NO WAY and then see what you guys do... so that's why I said no sneaking no matter what. Because sometimes parents say no indefinitely and then a few weeks later based on the behaviour displayed, change their minds. It's one of those things that comes free of charge in the parenting kit...

HopelesslyLovely · 03-24-2007, 07:03 PM

CarnelianButterfly, I understand it was wrong, and if I could, I'd take it back in a heartbeat, but I believe that truancy is the major issue here. It seems that you also think that, but her parents think that being with me was the issue. I understand as parents they're trying to protect their child from evil teenage boys (that's me), but I think are being hypocritical and presumptuous, not that my opinion has any importance in the matter.

Anyway, I think I will call them sometime soon. Thanks for the advice wendymg. I'd just like one more pointer... or more like a question. Should the call strictly be for an apology (and kissing), or should I bring up something like letting us speak on the phone again, or something small like that (or should I shoot for dinner with the family, or something along those lines)?

03-24-2007, 02:30 PM	#1
HopelesslyLovely Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 30	Insanely strict parents... My girlfriend's parents are making her life miserable, thus making mine miserable. They've even resorted to spying one her! My girlfriend of six months and I have not been able to go out... not officially at least. For months I'd give her a ride after school, and spend around an hour with her, because both of her parents work, and they couldn't find out, or at least it was not likely. Apart from that we always spoke for hours on the phone, sometimes even hours a day, for six months. Anyways, two weeks ago, right before spring break, we decided to skip three classes. The reason for this, though I'm told was unwise, was that I was going out of town for spring break, and we wouldn't get to see, or speak, to each other for a week. Plainly, I'd miss her and wanted to spend as much time as possible with her that last day. So we went to her house, also unwisely, and spent around two hours there. Unfortunately for us, the neighbor saw us and informed her mother that afternoon. Now, obviously her parents, my parents, and the neighbor thought we had sex, but we did not. My parents have grown to believe me, but hers are less accepting. In fact, her mother called me, forbidding me to "even try to contact her." We still have school together, luckily, but that's hardly enough enough time spent together, I feel. They've lost any trust they might have begun to have in me, and have even resorted to spying on their daughter, my girlfriend, to make sure that she's staying away from me. Before that, though, they spoke to her teachers and counselor, though I don't know about what. Fortunately, apparently I have one teacher that cares about us, and warned me to tell my parents if I hadn't already, though I already had. I distinctly remember her telling me that the counselor thought it would be a good idea if her parents let us go out on the weekends, so that we wouldn't feel the impulse to do anything like that again. Though all modesty may be lost in this, I think I'm a decent guy, the kind I'd want my daughter to go out with if I had one. I mean, I'm first in my class (I suppose a parent would like that), want to practice abstinence, and have waited for six months to even start to go out with their daughter, but I slipped up. They've even taken her phone from her, making any contact away from school impossible. So I guess the reason I'm writing this is to find out if anyone might have some insight into what might possibly happen. I mean, for parents especially, what could I do to change their minds, if they even will, or how long until they begin to trust their daughter (and me) again? I imagine once they know for a fact that she's not pregnant they'll believe us at least an iota more, but fear that they might just consider us lucky... I suppose I might also add that she and her parents have never had a good relationship. In fact, she's even told me about her wishes of "having another home to go to." (sorry about the repeated thread, I was just unpleased with the first one, in which I only recieved one response, albeit thoughtful)

03-24-2007, 02:34 PM	#2
HopelesslyLovely Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 30	Oh, I guess I'll add her punishments to reflect the thread name. She's not allowed to be at home alone anymore, and has had her phone taken away (even though she takes the bus everyday after school... now I constantly worry about what might happen to her). They explicitly ordered her to not allow me to walk with her to the bus stop, so I can't relieve my worries. They've taken her computer and mp3 player away, and have limited her TV watching. Not that she does nothing else, in fact, she goes to a youth center after school to help children with homework! Personally, I've become to dislike, if not hate her parents, because though she does nothing wrong, excpet for that one time, they've been making her do all the housework for years (imagine a Cinderella situation), and she never resists. Last edited by HopelesslyLovely; 03-24-2007 at 02:37 PM.

03-24-2007, 04:01 PM	#9
spinstermanquee Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 591	One other thing... They may initially say NO WAY and then see what you guys do... so that's why I said no sneaking no matter what. Because sometimes parents say no indefinitely and then a few weeks later based on the behaviour displayed, change their minds. It's one of those things that comes free of charge in the parenting kit...

03-24-2007, 02:56 PM	#3
CarnelianButterfly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Too far from home Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 4,473	It really is their choice how they raise their daughter. If she was forbidden to date and broke that rule, then they are following up with discipline. Your parents may raise you differently, but that does not mean hers are wrong. They are trying to protect their daughter from the many things that are rampant, like teen pregnancy, STI's and such. They are strict in your view, but how would you think they see your parents, they could very well call them lax. She has obviously broken their trust, she skipped school and was home alone with a guy, they have every right to be angry. Neither of those things are small infractions. The skipping alone would make many parents very upset, but adding the sneaking around with a boy, its not really hard to see they are justified in their concern and anger. The Cinderella reference is a little over the top, having a child learn to be responsible and be a productive part of the house isn't cruel or forcing a child to sleep on a hearth.

03-24-2007, 03:13 PM	#4
spinstermanquee Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 591	HopelesslyLovely, I got some good advice here on the forum today and am most pleased... let me see if I can offer you anything helpful in turn... Sadly she broke her parents trust and will need to earn back the trust she lost. And even if they didn't have a rule about guests, many parents would be uncomfortable with having visitors in their home without their knowledge - even though you weren't doing anything wrong it just SEEMED sneaky. Most parents don't want their daughter to become a teen parent (like, my worst nightmare). And to find out from a neighbor instead of their daughter… well you get the picture. Now as a parent of a 17-year-old daughter I can say nothing impresses me more than when a young man speaks directly to us. Would it be possible to approach with something like this (of course all in your own words): Mr. and Mrs. X, can we talk? 1) Take full and complete responsibility for breaking the "rules." No explanations, no excuses. I am sorry, it was wrong, will not repeat. 2) Tell them their daughter is special and you honor her chastity, that you are waiting (like what you confided above). Everyone likes to hear how great their kid is, and alleviating their fears about the "nasty" would be a very mature move on your part. 3) Ask them what you can do to earn back their trust - maybe only visiting when one or both parents are in their house, coming to a family dinner or two, introducing your parents, only going out with her in groups instead of 1-on-1 dates, etc. Make sure if you are with her in the house you NEVER close the door behind you, always leave it ajar or wide open (did you ever see that scene in Gilmore Girls when Dean closes the door and his Mom burst in)? Ew. Remember we fear what we don't know and if you are half the young man you seem to be then you can only win with this type of open and direct strategy. It may seem very difficult to talk this way or like kissing up to her parents but it's really not. It's addressing the problem and proposing some solutions until such time they feel comfortable with you. You could even talk to your parents about it, and one or both of them might help you role play the conversation, or just lend you moral support. Well I hope there is something in here for you. Good luck to your and your girlfriend. w

03-24-2007, 03:16 PM	#5
HopelesslyLovely Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 30	The thing is that she wasn't forbidden from seeing me, as long as it was in school... and the Cinderella reference is as accurate as I could make it. Formerly I would be speaking to her on the phone when I would hear her father yell at her to take his glass to the kitchen, or feed his dog, make a meal for him, or her brother, etc. I was on the verge of an invitation to dinner to meet her parents, but now that's highly unlikely. It aslo wasn't as simple as skipping a class. It started when she asked me for a ride to her house to pick up some homework she'd forgotten, because it was the end of the grading period, and she has high academic standards. I acquiesced, but once we were there I convinced her that we might as well stay for that one class, since we'd obviously be well over 20 minutes late if we'd left immediately. I admit it's my fault for having convinced her to stay there for the remaining school day, but in all honesty, the day before any vacation is a day full of doing nothing because the teachers don't want to have anything to grade over their vacation. How likely is it that they'll either get over it, forgive her, or me, and let us be? If even possible, how long would that take, and what could I do to speed up the process?

03-24-2007, 03:22 PM	#6
HopelesslyLovely Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 30	Wendymg, the thing about that is that her father has, shall we say "violent tendencies." I've spoken to my parents about doing that very thing, but they frown on it, and I don't blame them for it. However, I'd still like to do it, but could not if I plan on continuing an open relationship with my parents. Would a phone call lose the sincerity, or could that suffice in this case? When her mother called me I did take full responsibility, but that was little after she found out, and was still furious and yelling, so I doubt she heard, or chose not to hear. I'd prefer to talk with a single parent, but don't know which would be more appropriate, but considering what her father is like, I'd choose her mother. I appreciate the advice from a parent, so thank you.

03-24-2007, 03:26 PM	#7
CarnelianButterfly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Too far from home Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 4,473	Its still truancy even if its the day before break. Class and school are important. You need to understand it is not something you can blow off even with break coming up. Your flippancy over your transgression shows you haven't really learned anything from this. You need to tell her parents you were wrong, you acted irresponsibly and that you were not respectful of their rules. If you want to regain their trust and see their daughter you will have to make it clear you know it was wrong and you will not do it again. It would be good for you to ask if you could have chaperoned visits and maybe spend time just studying with their daughter or be allowed to have meals with them so that the whole family is present when you are together.

03-24-2007, 03:37 PM	#8
spinstermanquee Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 591	Well. first, I would try to conduct this business WITHOUT the girlfriend anywhere around. Even try to make sure she is not home for the initial phone call. Her presence might skew the conversation in person or over the phone - Dad might need to be more "manly" or somesuch if he has testosterone issues. Whichever parent answers the phone, you could say something like, "Good afternoon Mr/Mrs. X, this is HopelesslyLovely and I'd like to speak with you and clean up this bit of a mess I seem to have gotten myself and little X into (hehe). Because your daughter is important to me, and I know she is the world to you (kiss kiss ), I really would like to talk about how I could make this right again in person. If Yes Make appt for when daughter is NOT around; shoot for a public venue if you fear the father's temper or bring parents with you; have conversation, be sincere and willing to accept WHATEVER they tell you. And I cannot stress this enough, NO excuses. No matter how accountable we humans are we always seem to lapse into them If No Well gosh, then, can we speak now on the telephone? Have conversation. In the final analysis - If they say, "Never no way, you loser HopelesslyLovely you," you can always say, "I am sorry you feel this way but I accept your decision and will respect your wishes." And no sneaking. Having said all that, I think that no parent can resist someone who really, truly cares about their kid; takes responsibility for their mistakes; and tries to make it right again. Go for it my dear!

03-24-2007, 07:03 PM	#10
HopelesslyLovely Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 30	CarnelianButterfly, I understand it was wrong, and if I could, I'd take it back in a heartbeat, but I believe that truancy is the major issue here. It seems that you also think that, but her parents think that being with me was the issue. I understand as parents they're trying to protect their child from evil teenage boys (that's me), but I think are being hypocritical and presumptuous, not that my opinion has any importance in the matter. Anyway, I think I will call them sometime soon. Thanks for the advice wendymg. I'd just like one more pointer... or more like a question. Should the call strictly be for an apology (and kissing), or should I bring up something like letting us speak on the phone again, or something small like that (or should I shoot for dinner with the family, or something along those lines)?