Divorced parents causing problems...

[Portland Bill]

Hi all,

I hate having to dive headfirst into new forums for every different subject coz it seems weird approaching complete strangers with such dilemmas, however I hope somebody may have some sensible suggestions for me.

Here's my story.

When I was 8 years old, my parents split up and divorced. A lengthy fight ensued over who got custody of me and my younger brother who is 5 years younger than me so at the time he was 3. For the following few years, I remember speaking to several legal members of staff asking me which parent I preferred, what did I remember daddy doing to my mummy and which parent I wanted to live with and do I think my little brother would be happy with my decisions (I had to decide for both of us - what a nice light load of responsibility to dump on an 8 year old child who just wants everything to be normal and happy!).
Anyway, my father claims my mother was sleeping with most of his freinds behind his back and turning his friends against him and ruining his life basically. My mother claims my father beat her up constantly, raped her, abused her and made her life hell basically.

Unfortunately, not only do I still not want to believe either of them, I wouldn't know which to believe over the other as I have memories good enough to be evidence to me against both of them.

The top and bottom of it is, for the last 18 years, I've endured listening to my dad go on and on about how my mother is a **** and how she screwed his life completely (wouldn't have hurt him to get over it and get on with his life but he chose not to and has wallowed in his own self-pity ever since) etc etc.. and my mother going on about what a victim she has been and what an evil man my father is (my mother has re-married twice, and now I have a half-brother who is now 4 years old and I love like he was my own son (age difference) let alone not even considering he has a different father to me).

The unfortunate thing is that I love them both unconditionally and quite frankly don't care anymore what either of them did or didn't do.

Needless to say, the last time they were in a room together was when my younger brother was rushed into hospital after chopping one of his fingers off in a trolley-jack, and believe me that was tense.

So to bring things up-to-date, I currently live with my wonderful Fiancee who became such only a few weeks ago when I proposed to her on holiday.
For approx the last three years since I met her and decided I love her more than anyone I've ever met before and just knowing there was something different about our relationship, I've had a dilemma in the back of my mind which has been gradually increasing in volume and focus to the point where it is now coming to a head.

What am I going to do when I come to get married?

Since they divorced, my mother has done a very good job of making sure that everybody on her side of the family is well and truly behind her and thinks my dad is some kind of uncontrollable monster.
My father's parents died shortly after the turn of the millenium, his sister did a runner with all their money and belongings, and his brother doesn't want to know because he lives in the USA, has a beautiful family and doesn't need the stress of his family. Thus my father has me and my younger brother.

My mother's father is a Vicar and it has always been my wish to have him marry me to whosoever I choose to wed. Which I've spoken to him about and he is more than happy to do. When I spoke to him I noticed a little hesitance but put that down to the fact that he is retired and doesn't do as much work now.

So to summarise (sorry anyone who's got this far!), my father hates my mother and hates/is jealous of my step-father (who I have a lot of respect for and would prefer to have at my wedding), he also hates my mother's family for backing her throughout the divorce (although you wouldn't really expect any different).
My mother hates my father and is/pretends to be terrified of him and what he is capable of (which as time has gone past appears to me to be next to little or nothing besides self-pity).

I've only had a chance so far to discuss it briefly with my mother before I was biting my tongue at her selfish attitude. She first told me that my grandfather isn't keen on marrying me because my dad will be there and he doesn't think he can cope with it, which then extended to she doesn't think anybody in her family could cope with it because they all know "what he put her through", then we finally got down to the real issue (although she still witheld the previous reasons) that because they haven't encountered each other for so long she wouldn't know how to react and just wouldn't be comfortable with any of it so I should ask my father not to come to the ceremony and she will forego the evening event so that my father could attend that.

I tried to point out that although I'm pretty sure that my dad would find it hard to keep his feelings to himself for a day, he would, and that he wouldn't be a problem, and that she was making it sound as though the problem was coming from her side of the family and that compromising on either of my parents missing out on me and my fiancee's special day would be contrary to my wishes thus making me unhappy. My mam got all upset and said that she was upset because she thought I believed my dad over her and that this was his way of punishing her blah blah blah... I (as usual) reassured her that she is my mother and I love her indefinitey but what she has to remember is that although she's spent all this time thinking that she is the only victim in this situation and that she rescued me and my younger brother from my "evil" dad, she doesn't have to deal with it anymore whereas me and my younger brother are stuck with it until one of them dies.

All my dad has said is that he doesn't want to come if my step-father is going to be there which I could (although unwillingly) compromise on. As much as I like and respect my step-father, my biological father comes first in my priorities.

Up to now I've decided that I need to speak to my father about the situation and find out what his idea of what is going to happen is.

Don't get me wrong, my father just hasn't had a chance to say anything unreasonable about the situation yet and I'm guessing that his reaction will be something along the lines of "Tell your mother that it's time to deal with the mess she created" or something a bit less polite.

I would love to think that I'd be able to sort this situation by just sitting down and talking with the pair of them, but I honestly don't have much confidence in that.

Since myself and my fiancee returned from holiday, I haven't been able to stop worrying about this situation, and Sarah is aware of this and even told me last night (after the set-to with my mother) that if my parents' situation becomes too much of a problem, she's happy to go away and have a small wedding abroad with just me, her and a few friends.

As appealing an idea that is, I want all my friends, all her friends, all her family and all of my family to share our day with us and I'm not prepared to force her family and friends to miss out on it because of my parents' inability to think outside of their own lives.

Is there any way out of this?

Has anybody else had to deal with a similar situation?

I think at the end of the day I'm going to have to compromise at some point and either hurt one of my parents or miss them both during my wedding.

I just don't see why I should force one of them to miss seeing their son get married because of the other being infantile.

Can anyone possibly help?

Thank you so much to anyone who endured that story. Not many divorce stories are straightforward and I'm sure there are worse than mine, but even the summarised version seems like a nightmare let alone the lifelong version.

Thanks again....

[jessijess]

Reading your post sounded alot like my own childhood. Except that in my case as much as my mother hated my father, she always encouraged a relationship with him. It took a long time, but I finally talked to my father. It wasn;t until I had serious eye problems and almost lost my vision that they finally called a truce. That and the fact that 2 of my cousins on my dad's side of the family got married he finally realized that some day my brother and I would probaly get married and have kids some day & he would have to be inthe same room as my mother. Now we're to the point that we get together for a family meal 1-2 times a year.
I know you havent been that luckey to have your family reconcile, but I wanted you to know I know how you feel (my father almost didn;t come to my high school graduation because of my mom). Have you made it clear to both parents how this is YOUR day? One of the biggest of your life? Is there any chance of getting them to sit down to a dinner (in a public place) to talk to them both? Have you tried to talk to other members of your mom's side of the family? My father and my uncle still hate each other and I've told my mom that I will have no problem kicking one or both our of my wedding if they start anything.

[DN]

Here's what I suggest you do. Tell each of them, and tell them that you have told the other exactly the same thing, that this is your wedding day and that you expect them to put aside whatever differences they have for your sake and to make you and your fiancé happy.

Tell them that you will invite whomever you wish, that they don't have veto power and that they are expected to show up, dressed and sober and be polite and civilised to everybody, including each other. And tell the same thing to anyone else who might have a beef with anyone else.

Tell them this is not about them and what they want - it is about you and what you want and that if ever there was a test of their love for you - this would be it.

And then tell them that those are the rules of the day and if they can't accept them - stay away.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Definitely agree with DN here, he's given you some great advice. My parents are much the same way, and I'm dreading the wedding day because of them...fortunately, they're 3000 miles away, so I might be able to get away with not inviting both of them!

[TheFoglifter]

I agree -- this is YOUR day and you need to tell them how it needs to be. A great threat is that if they can't put their feelings aside for one day and be civil and not cause any problems, then they will NEVER EVER EVER see their grandchildren. Tell them that you will not have your children experience the same horrors you went through, and if they can't put their ill will aside for just one day, then you have every reason to believe they will poison your marriage.

Plus, if there is no money to inherit and nothing worth staying for, you are better off. Think about the stress of holidays, and how many different entities you'd have to split it with. Besides you and your wife, you have two sets of parents to visit, along with her parents. Too much!

[Portland Bill]

Thanks firstly to all of you for enduring my post.

Thanks again for your replies.

Unfortunately I still haven't had a chance to speak to my dad yet about any of this, I've just been manically busy this last week.

I had gone over writing them both a letter to a similar effect to DN's post, or tricking them both into coming to a pub with me or something so I can tell them both to their faces (together) that I'm not prepared to have to cope with worrying about their history on my day.

I couldn't threaten them with keeping their grandchildren from seeing them coz I know what it was like when I wanted to see my dad and was kept from doing so because of somebody else's spite.

I'll update once I've spoken to him, but thanks again for your help.