She loves me, isn't in love with me...

[Lsdaddy]

I'm not sure how to go about this or what to do. I"m just looking for advice. My wife of 3.5 years filed for divorce on Tuesday (we have a 2 year old daughter). She told me that she loves me but isn't in love with me and that she's sure that she cannot get those feelings back.

A little background, my wife is an attorney, I'm a financial advisor. We have a very good combined income but she makes about twice what I do. Money has always been an issue but is more so over the past year since we bought a more expensive home. Our agreement financially has always been split all bills and expenses 50/50 and then we each have our own money to spend on stuff. That way there is no nitpicking on little things here or there. After we bought the new home, I had trouble keeping up through some bad months at work (commission only). She was having to cover me quite a bit and wasn't happy about it. It all came to a head last summer when she saw that I had accumulated about $10,000 in our home equity line of credit for just living expenses/to cover bills/etc. She found out about this after getting a statement one month and blew up feeling like I betrayed her. That's when she claims that this all started. From then on, her feelings for me changed. She still loves me but isn't in love with me. She has also said that over our 8 total years together, I've "worn her down". We've always gotten in little arguments here and there and some could get pretty heated. To the point of insults sometimes, from both sides. She claims that she still remembers some of them but really this summer and the money deal is when this all started. It devastated her to the point that she feels that I broke her trust and can't regain it.

What does that even mean, that she loves me but isn't in love with me? I still love her dearly and don't want to lose her. Since December when we initially discussed a seperation or divorce because of this, I promised her I would change. I have. I have paid off about $5000 of the debt and have straightened out my financial issues by building up a nice savings to cover these bad months. She even admits that our relationship has been as good as ever. She just doesn't feel any different about me and thinks that there is better things out there.

I have talked her into marriage counseling since in our state (NE) we have 60 days after the initial filing of a divorce until anything else legally can be done. We have our first counseling session on Tuesday. From other posts on this board, I'm hoping that counseling helps her realize that she is still in love with me but just needs to break down an internal barrier that she's put up to "protect" herself. She is not cheating on me, nor have either of us ever. She just thinks there is something better out there that could make her happy. I think that is just her "barrier" as I'm calling it to keep from possibly getting hurt again.

We still sleep in the same bed, still talk, still hug and kiss, etc. We have not slept together (sexually) yet this week but I don't know that either of us would even have a problem with that. It is just a very weird situtaion...Almost like we are dating again but live in the same home and have a child. I just don't know what to think or do. I hope the counselor can shed some light on the situation.

Any thoughts or suggestions???

[Hayles]

Wow, incredibly sorry to hear.
It does seem though that perhaps she has been falling out of love for some time, and maybe didn't even realise until this breaking point of financial stress - perhaps?!
Does she seem emotional at all about the divorce etc. or is she quite cold?

[DN]

Personally I would find it hard to be with a woman who forgot the part of the marriage vows about 'for richer, for poorer'.
My wife and I have always pooled our money - it is not 'mine' and 'hers' but 'ours'. Sometimes I have earned more, sometimes she has. I suppose if we added it up I may have contributed more financially over the years but we never have done that - nor would we. for we are partners in a marriage not a business

As an attorney she should realise that she would be financially worse off in the event of a divorce unless there is an iron-clad pre-nup - and if you are having financial difficulties that may not be enforceable anyway.

I am not sure if this post is helpful or what you need. But I post it because I would seriously doubt the the love of a woman who would behave as she has for the reasons that she gives.

[Lsdaddy]

She is emotional and cried half of the night when she handed me the papers. I am torn. She is my first and only love. I'm 31 and she is my first "serious" relationship beyond messing around in college. I just don't know what to do. As I said, I'm hoping that a counselor can figure things out, for either of us (if I'm being stupid and there is no chance).

I also mainly want things to work out for our daughter's sake as well as the fact that I still love her.

There was no prenup as we were married when neither of us had anything. She just graduated from law school and I just began my job. Everything we have built together...

[Hayles]

I think that counselling most certainly is the best option for you both... just hang in there and do what you can, but do not settle for anything less than what makes you happy!

[Lsdaddy]

thank you for the replies...I'm also hoping counseling will shed some light on things. It just feels like she is giving up on us too easy. If nothing else, for our daughter's sake, we need to MAKE SURE that this is what we want. Right now, she obviously does but I'm just not sure.

Thanks again...

[DN]

Well, see how the counselling goes. But I do think it is a mistake to sleep in the same bed and to have sex. You can be cordial and friendly but I think you should also not be intimate. Perhaps that might start her on the realisation of what it would really mean to lose you.

As to the future: if she continues with the divorce proceedings it is really important that you get a lawyer and protect your interests as the father of your child, the co-owner of your house and financially. Under no circumstances should you agree to anything less than a fair settlement, especially in regard to your daughter, in the hopes that she will see you as a 'nice guy' and want you back as a result. You should make it very clear that you will be seeking joint physical and legal custody of your daughter.

That is not to say that you should be nasty in the proceedings nor use anything as a leverage for any ulterior motive. It is merely to say that you must protect your future as a father.

[Lsdaddy]

Definately DN...we've actually discussed all of this (the other night after she gave me the papers) and she agrees. We will have complete joint custoday if we can't work it out. Every other weekend and Tuesday and Thursday evenings with me (she'll sleep at my wife's home still though).

Honestly, this is what is so weird. We are still so "on the same page" that I just don't get how it isn't working. We get along better than we ever have before but again, "she just isn't in love with me". I can tell she still has feelings for me and loves me though.

From a financial situation, we have already discussed things a little. She will keep the house (as I couldn't afford it anyways) but she will buy me out of it. I will then have enough for a down payment and to start my own "life" so to speak. We are keeping our own retirement accounts as they are very close in value and are keeping our separate debt (her student loans and vehicle versus my credit card/home equity line and vehicle).

We both want this as fair as possible as we have commited to remain good friends no matter what happens. We have to for our daughter. We do still love each other which leads me to believe this is salvagable. It won't be ugly and won't get nasty. I have spoken with an attorney and they have also advised me to find separate representation which I will do if it comes to divorce (I have a friend that is an attorney and can represent me).

I just hope it won't come to that. Again, I appreciate all of the help and am glad I found this board. It helps me get some of my heartache out to people who understand!!!

[DN]

I don't want to push this unnecessarily but:

Every other weekend and Tuesday and Thursday evenings with me (she'll sleep at my wife's home still though).

this is very far from joint custody. At best that is six days out of fourteen even if she were to sleep at your house. In reality, for a two year old, it is but a few hours and you are setting a bad precedent by not having her sleep at your house. That is tantamount to admitting that you are not as capable at looking after your daughter as is your wife.

This is exactly what I mean by looking out for your best interests as a father. I understand you are trying to save your marriage but you really must plan for the strong possibility that you will not be able to achieve that. It is entirely possible to do both at the same time.

[Lsdaddy]

I'm sorry, I think you misunderstood me. The schedule would be Mondays and Wednesdays with my wife, Tuesdays and Thursdays with me (but I would bring her back "home" to sleep) and alternate weekends where she actually stays at my house or the wife's house.

The only reason for the sleeping at my wife's during the week would be to create more of a regular schedule for her so she wouldn't feel so shuffled back and forth. We are utmostly concerned for our daughter and through all of this want to make it work for her benefit. If we can't work the marriage out, the least we can do is work together on raising our daughter and being friends. For all practical purposes, it would be joint custody. We've both read many places that shuffling the kids back and forth can create some issues for them and it is better for them to at least sleep the majority of the week in the same place so there is a sense of consistency.

We also still love the other enough, and both love our daughter SOOOOO much, that we can adjust the schedule as necessary. If one has something going on, the other can take her and vice versa. That is the nice thing about us still getting along...

Of course, everything could change too. We'll just have to see what the counselor, attorneys, etc. say.