love my wife, hate my marriage

So I've been with my wife for 6 years, married for 3, and from the beginning, folks warned that we were a mismatch, but I'm very stubborn & wanted to prove our love to the world!

At this point, it's interesting to see the fo talk of "changing in the 20s", as I was 23, she was 30 when we married. I wouldn't say that I've "changed" in the last 3 yrs, but I've definitely "learned." I've learned that neither of us truly comprehended each others needs, or our own needs when we committed to each other.

I've learned that she IS a needy, dependent person & can not care for herself physically & emotionally. I meant it when I said, "for better for worse," & as her family's screwed up & she doesn't have many friends, I'm her sole support structure. (Ok, that's not true, we have a great faith community at church, but they're not engaged with us/her on a daily basis).

Through different situations, where I've needed her, she's let me down, or been unable to support me in endeavors, family crises, educational goals, etc., though she tries. Because of this I've stopped trusting her ability to be a partner, & have started to wall myself off from her emotionally. At this point I feel like a robot & try to have no feelings.

I've encouraged her to go to therapy, but she went to one for 7 yrs before we met, to deal with her screwed up family, & isn't eager to re-hash that & re-invest with a new therapist (we've since moved a few states away from her old one). She wants me to go to a therapist because she realizes that we no longer connect. I don't want to, because I already know what's wrong, & a therapist will just encourage me to get out of the relationship.

I really can't leave her - she'll hurt herself & be unable to function w/o me. As mentioned, she doesn't have any professional, friend, or family support structure. She is a good person who has spent her life serving youth programs & contributing to the betterment of society, so don't think poorly of her!

How do I let her know that I am committed to caring for her, no matter what, without sounding condescending?

How do I get her to lay off the "emotional cx" discussions? Thx, DNM

I think a big part of what you want her to do involves changing the way she feels about you but more importantly, herself. At times, we can be contributors to negative behaviors which are not desireable. For example, for a person to be "needy, " their partner "buys into" their insecurities or lack of self-esteem. In a sense, this is an unintentional way of contributing and encouraging negative behaviors. So how do you get her to be less needy?

Not sure you could do it all by yourself but I would think that weening her would be part of the process. But it would first start with her gaining more confidence in herself and getting higher self-esteem. This is by no means an overnight project though.

At some point, she's going to need to realize that her behaviors aren't beneficial and possibly destructive to you guys' relationship. Once she realizes this, it could possibly get her to rethink or reevaluate her own behaviors. This could be especially true since you're the one person in her life who she feels is her "rock."

I understand what you're going through, at times people do grow attached o their partners to the extend whereby they feel that without their partner they are nothing and the partners pick up on these vibes. Unfortunately this is very bad for any healthy relationship. YOU feel now that you are more of a parent than anything else in her life...its a very draining situation to be in yet somehow she cant "help" it. She really needs to seek help. Maybe you both need to seek councelling.

good luck

You say you know what's wrong and you also say you know a therapist will encourage you to get out of the relationship.

I would suggest to you that both of those things you "know" may, in fact, be false assumptions.

After spending a lot of time in therapy, I've found that what we think is the problem is often not really the problem....or is only the visible symptom of several underlying issues that need to be addressed.

So, unless you're getting some satisfactory payoff from things being the way they are, you may find a few therapy sessions (either individual or couples) useful....if you can drop your pre-concieved notions long enough to be open to some options other than the ones you've come up with.

how do you know what a therapist would say? are you one?

Okay everybody - I'm signed up for therapy starting next month, but don't know what my goals are for it. What do I want out of therapy? I don't want to get in touch with my emotions. I don't want to be more honest with myself....

Chai714 - I think you're right. Certainly she'd be a better person all around if she was able to fulfill her own needs. And you're right that this is deep seated (not a single member of her family TRULY believes they deserve to be loved unconditionally). Since I'm committed to helping her in EVERYTHING in life, how can I help her do this? How can I convince her to get into therapy?

chocojay - I know this is a dysfuntional relationship, but I'm committed to it, so I need to make it functional. She keeps asking for "connection" and romance, which I can't fabricate. If she stopped asking for those things, it'd be a lot easier for me to follow a nice routine and be a friend and team mate in the long term. How can I get her to see that?

Hmmmm...I just don't have any answers, and every day it seems hard.

Hey 'definitelynotme' I wonder if you're still checking this forum?

It's so weird. My wife and I have been really close to ending our relationship a few times these past couples months. I just got off the phone from setting up therapy with another therapist...I've seen a few in my life. We're setting up our 2nd round of couples therapy today with a new therapist--the last one had nothing insightful to say.

I feel totally misunderstood and cold. I actually feel exactly like your post explained. I think we're in a very similar situation. I found your post b/c i typed into Google: "My wife is so emotionally needy and i hate it".

Since your post is from March, I would love to see how the past 6 or so months with a therapist has served you and your marriage.

I have to say the original post here described my situation very well. Scary similarities. I didn't go through the whole "mismatch" beginnings but my situation of her dependence on me, my feeling like the "parent" and us not having the relationship were I feel a partner with her is all very similar. My wife is trying but struggling to put her own life together so she can be happy with herself before expecting me too. I love her and married her for all her good, but I gotten to spend time mostly with the bad so far. I've been patient for a long time and feel caught is spot where I'm hanging on the hopes things get better but wondering if it is best for us both to start over.

Like Melrox, I too am curious if the counseling has helped and where you are today in your relationship so that it might shed some light on my situation.

I could easily be the female in this post and it makes me wonder if my husband is trying to distance himself from me by being gone constantly, (see my post). Sometimes I think that we both know this isn't working but we don't have the heart to make the first move and instead we each choose lonely stability. But then on the other hand, I think, hey, he's a guy, he's emotionally detached anyway and maybe he is simply oblivious to the problems. I just don't know.

she is a woman and that is what you signed up for.

I felt like it was my husband the one complaining in the first post, but I know it wasn't him because he doesn't speak english. The thing is, and here it is a female perspective: I am like that, exactly like that, and thanks for the post I think I can understand how my husband feels. I am a little better now, since I found a job I don't have too much time to think poorly of me and my problems, every single day is hard when we need to make a big change, but I am getting there.

I know that you want to be the one to help her, but the truth is she is the only one that can help herself. Does she notice how needy she is? Does she feel guilty because of that? That is gonna be her first step, the next may take a while to come, but the next step is to take advantage of every happy moment and be encouraged by it. It takes some time, and she may fall back at times, but then you can pull her and put her back in track. But from where she is now, you can't do much. But you could try little things...

Ask her how she is, how was her day, if something is on her mind, make time to talk and to listen. And as far as romance is concerned maybe you could fabricate just a little dinner for her, right? And then, at that moment you can tell her that you are always there for her, because you love her. Just that. I am sure, that will put a smile on her face, and that might just be a happy moment that will encourage her to pursuit more happiness. Of course, I understand it's hard for you, but you said yourself you are willing to try. I hope you both the best, don't give up on her, she sounds like a great person, don't let her nail herself to the ground, help her to loose herself and I am sure you will both feel more happy with your marriage.

Best of luck!!!!

I really can't leave her - she'll hurt herself & be unable to function w/o me.

If this is true then she needs to be seen for a psychiatric evaluation; if she is a danger to herself or others, which you are saying she is.

Your relationship is very dysfunctional and co-dependent. It sounds sick.

Please note: This thread was originally posted about a year and a half ago. The screen name starting the thread has not been logged into the site since then.

Please note: This thread was originally posted about a year and a half ago. The screen name starting the thread has not been logged into the site since then.

LOL I wonder what happened! He isn't happy with the marriage, he's sacrificing his happiness to try to keep a small part of her happy.

Oh, man... I was thinking this was a couple of lesbian with the gender to female.

If this is true then she needs to be seen for a psychiatric evaluation; if she is a danger to herself or others, which you are saying she is.

If you really love her, you would be committed to helping her with her issues. If she needs help, you are probably the only one she can count on to give it.

Some people don't want to babysit their partners, and in my case, my husband doesn't want to babysit my passive aggressiveness...so he's tired of being the 'strong' person in the relationship and feeling like he's the only one wanting to move forward. It's not that I don't want to, I am just having a hard time actually putting my good 'intent' into 'action'.

Good luck.