my father..

i_am_lost · 03-13-2007, 08:28 AM

my dad's been having an affair, he's been doin it for over 4 years now, with my friend's mom. She is a great friend of my mom, my dad is great friends with my friend's dad. It's all very fine, except for the fact that my dad's having an affair with this woman, and it sucks real bad. i don't know what to do. Confrontation seems to be the only way out to me, but I am afraid to do it.. I am lost as to how to handle this whole thing... i have a sister who is stuck bad in it, i am about to get out of college but she is still in school and will be hit real bad.

Living in India, I have a very conservative mindset, as does all of my family tree, as do all our friends... and I dont know how they will handle this.. how I will handle this.. please, please anyone, can anyone offer any ideas?

chocojay · 03-13-2007, 09:09 AM

Hi there im sorry to hear about the ways of your dad.

Having an affair is a very selfish act and the two people involved have no idea how much this destroys peoples lives forever and that the trust of a person is very hard to regain. Have you spoken to your father about it? I advise that you tell your father what you know and if it doesnt stop you'll go 2 your mother and the husband of the "friend". You should talk to the "friend" as well. Your mother doesnt deserve all the lies and pain that are heading her way. Imagine how she'd feel knowing that even her own child has betrayed her by not telling her? she'll feel completly broken. Its not easy but at the same time, you cant seem to be condoning this behaviour by keeping quiet either.

good luck...

lostinwilderness · 03-13-2007, 02:30 PM

Ouch! that is a really tough spot.

Nobody should be placed in this position. You are very reasonably conflicted about all of these divissions on your loyalty. I am not sure what advice to give you, but I will point out a couple of things that seem important from my viewpoint.

1) This is NOT your fault. It seems obvious, but it is sometimes hard to keep clear. Regardless of how you handle this situation the pain and mistrust are a result of the choices made by your father and your friend's mother. It might be easy for people to try to spread the blame around, but they are the ones that have violated the trust in both families.

2) Get assistance dealing with this yourself. Regardless of the outcome in the family this will stir up a lot of emotions for you and you deserve help dealing with it weither from friends or a therapist.

3) It is not your responsibility to reveal or hide this. Unfortunately there will be consequences to both paths, but again this problem was not created by you. Follow your heart.

I've never faced this situation, but I THINK that I would approach my dad to end the affair and come clean to my mom. It is his mess and he should be the one to deal with it. Of course you know your family dynamics best. In any case take a little bit of time to relect on your choice before you take action you cannot undo. Preferably discuss this with someone you trust like a good friend or a therapist.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

i_am_lost · 03-21-2007, 01:26 AM

ok, i'll talk to my dad. but do i involve my sister in this? she knows, too.. we have discussed it with each other. I personally would think to do it alone.

lostinwilderness · 03-21-2007, 12:49 PM

Do you think that involving your sister in a confrontation with your father would help him change or just put another person in the middle?

I do not know your family, but my gut tells me to talk to your dad one on one. There is a chance that he will react very defensively and take that out on you. You do not need to involve your sister in that too.

I hope that if he realizes the gig is up, he will take the high road and end the affair and come clean rather than have it come out a more hurtful way. Of course if he is the type to have an affair, I do not know that he is the type to fix the mess. Still for myself I would need to try.

How old is your sister? What does she think you both should do?

Good luck!

03-13-2007, 08:28 AM	#1
i_am_lost Offline Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 2	my father.. my dad's been having an affair, he's been doin it for over 4 years now, with my friend's mom. She is a great friend of my mom, my dad is great friends with my friend's dad. It's all very fine, except for the fact that my dad's having an affair with this woman, and it sucks real bad. i don't know what to do. Confrontation seems to be the only way out to me, but I am afraid to do it.. I am lost as to how to handle this whole thing... i have a sister who is stuck bad in it, i am about to get out of college but she is still in school and will be hit real bad. Living in India, I have a very conservative mindset, as does all of my family tree, as do all our friends... and I dont know how they will handle this.. how I will handle this.. please, please anyone, can anyone offer any ideas?

03-13-2007, 09:09 AM	#2
chocojay Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Durban,SA Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 63	Hi there im sorry to hear about the ways of your dad. Having an affair is a very selfish act and the two people involved have no idea how much this destroys peoples lives forever and that the trust of a person is very hard to regain. Have you spoken to your father about it? I advise that you tell your father what you know and if it doesnt stop you'll go 2 your mother and the husband of the "friend". You should talk to the "friend" as well. Your mother doesnt deserve all the lies and pain that are heading her way. Imagine how she'd feel knowing that even her own child has betrayed her by not telling her? she'll feel completly broken. Its not easy but at the same time, you cant seem to be condoning this behaviour by keeping quiet either. good luck...

03-13-2007, 02:30 PM	#3
lostinwilderness Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 83	Ouch! that is a really tough spot. Nobody should be placed in this position. You are very reasonably conflicted about all of these divissions on your loyalty. I am not sure what advice to give you, but I will point out a couple of things that seem important from my viewpoint. 1) This is NOT your fault. It seems obvious, but it is sometimes hard to keep clear. Regardless of how you handle this situation the pain and mistrust are a result of the choices made by your father and your friend's mother. It might be easy for people to try to spread the blame around, but they are the ones that have violated the trust in both families. 2) Get assistance dealing with this yourself. Regardless of the outcome in the family this will stir up a lot of emotions for you and you deserve help dealing with it weither from friends or a therapist. 3) It is not your responsibility to reveal or hide this. Unfortunately there will be consequences to both paths, but again this problem was not created by you. Follow your heart. I've never faced this situation, but I THINK that I would approach my dad to end the affair and come clean to my mom. It is his mess and he should be the one to deal with it. Of course you know your family dynamics best. In any case take a little bit of time to relect on your choice before you take action you cannot undo. Preferably discuss this with someone you trust like a good friend or a therapist. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

03-21-2007, 01:26 AM	#4
i_am_lost Offline Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 2	ok, i'll talk to my dad. but do i involve my sister in this? she knows, too.. we have discussed it with each other. I personally would think to do it alone.

03-21-2007, 12:49 PM	#5
lostinwilderness Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 83	Do you think that involving your sister in a confrontation with your father would help him change or just put another person in the middle? I do not know your family, but my gut tells me to talk to your dad one on one. There is a chance that he will react very defensively and take that out on you. You do not need to involve your sister in that too. I hope that if he realizes the gig is up, he will take the high road and end the affair and come clean rather than have it come out a more hurtful way. Of course if he is the type to have an affair, I do not know that he is the type to fix the mess. Still for myself I would need to try. How old is your sister? What does she think you both should do? Good luck!