How could he do this to me?

samiami · 03-12-2007, 11:53 AM

My boyfriend (Mike) and I have been together over 5 and a half years. We got together when we were 16 years old. Now we are 22 and we live together. We live about an hour away from our hometown of Lima, where we both still work at our high school restaurant job on the weekends. Mike goes back home more often than I because I have another job here in Toledo.

Anyway, I just found out that Mike has been {Mod Edit} another girl that we work with, one that I though was my friend, for two years. They've done everything together, oral sex, regular sex, anal sex....who knows what else. Mike says he kept it physical on his end, although my "friend" was in love with him (she told me herself). She only pretended to be my friend so that she could spend time with Mike (she goes to school in Toledo during the week and works at the restaurant in Lima on weekends too). They used to carpool back and forth from Lima to Toledo every weekend, because she is scared of driving on the highway.

She sent me a text message on Friday morning at 3am to tell me that Mike had been cheating on me. I called her and asked her to tell me everything. She told me they'd been together for the past two years. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. So I ended up getting to Lima around 7am. I picked her up and drove around getting all the information that I could before I confronted Mike. Then I went to his house. He admitted to everything, but said he broke it off with her right before she texted me, and that is probably why she told me. He was angry with her because he wanted to tell me himself.

I just don't know what to do. He and I have had our share of tough times, but we always pulled through. We've basically grown up together, and I love him more than I think it is possible to love someone else...he is my best friend, the one person I could trust to always be there for me and who knew everything there was to know about me. And now I find out he's basically been leading this double life for the past two years.

He loves me. I know that. But I don't know how to get past this to make it work. I keep picturing him with her. In our apartment, in my bed, on our living room floor, in his truck, in her dorm room, in his parents' house in his bed and on their couch. What do I do? I want so badly to make it with him, but how can I ever stop thinking about this and trust him again?

blender · 03-12-2007, 11:58 AM

Take some time to "just think it all through".. is there a therapist you can go see? This is a big hurdle for you emotionally, and yes it's very possible he loves you so much, and he made a big mistake, but this will effect you for awhile, and he's going to have to VERY PATIENT and understanding about how deeply he's hurt you. I'm so sorry that this happened, and you're going to need some time... and take all the time you need to process everything, and yes it's possible that the two of you can re-build trust, but you are going to need to do your own healing first, and he has to respect and understand the consequence of his actions/choice of not being "strong enough" to be honest with you from the start..ugh..but do NOT take it personally, his choice says more about him then it does about you... remember that. Have you told your Mom, a friend, anyone whom you trust for to you cry and talk this over with?

Honey Pumpkin · 03-12-2007, 12:01 PM

Ouch - that's a huge huge betrayal. Stop thinking about getting back with him for the minute, you HAVE to take time out for yourself. He cheated on you for two years - that's not an accident, one drunken incident (although they are bad enough). This was ongoing betrayal, deliberate and cold-blooded.

have you got family/friends where you are now? I think you need to take time out with them for a while, let them support and cherish you, and let you come to terms with this. What a horrible thing to find out about him, and in such a nasty way.

I'm so sorry, what a nightmare for you. Focus on you for the minute, and how you feel. Let him stew, and don't rush into anything at all.

Good luck.

samiami · 03-12-2007, 12:05 PM

Thanks you two. I can't even describe the emotions that I'm feeling. One minute I'm bawling my eyes out, and the next minute I want to physically hurt both of them. I haven't told my family, I don't want them to know this about him. I have talked to some friends about it, but what I really feel like doing is taking the week off work and just sitting around the house thinking. That's all I'm really capable of doing. I can't eat, I can only sleep for a few hours at a time. I just have no drive to do anything.

jimthzz · 03-12-2007, 12:05 PM

Cheating uy from Lima, OH?

Sure doesn't sound like a good catch to me.

BTW, that line about him wanting to tell you himself is total bull.

This guy cheated on you for two years with someone you thought was your friend.

I'm sorry for your pain, but you should count yourself lucky that you see this guy's true colors before you move in together or get married or get pregnant by him.

Get yourself checked for STDs and concentrate on finding happiness in Toledo. Tell that guy to get lost.

samiami · 03-12-2007, 12:07 PM

We already live together. We have an apartment together in Toledo. We just go back to Lima on weekends and over summers to work at our restaurant job.

You don't think there's a chance that he is sincere?

iLoveMyBabyCairo · 03-12-2007, 12:09 PM

oh god...ouch... i am so sorry...

As someone else said, you need to talk to someone, so you can straighten this out in your mind a little better. You need to take time apart from him before deciding what to do.

And I agree, he wasn't going to tell you.

Definitely go get tested for STDs

iLoveMyBabyCairo · 03-12-2007, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by samiami

We already live together. We have an apartment together in Toledo. We just go back to Lima on weekends and over summers to work at our restaurant job.

You don't think there's a chance that he is sincere?

this was going on for way too long for him to be sincere. Your relationship is built on a lie, to an extent.

blender · 03-12-2007, 12:10 PM

Yes, it's probably best for you to take some time to be on your own, I know that is scary for you to consider, but it's the most healthy thing for you to do.. just take this one day at a time, and if he calls you today, just say in a calm way, "I'm just not ready to talk right now"... and then get off the phone... if he keeps calling then say: "You have to respect that I'm hurting and confused, so please respect and understand when I say I'm not ready to talk about this right now"... and then let him live with himself for awhile... this is the most healing and attractive thing for you to do right now... let him live with HIMSELF, HIS OWN CHOICE TO CHEAT, LET HIM THINK AND DO NOT talk to him about it while you are still so highly emotional, feeling so betrayed and angry.. yelling at him will only give him some kind of "ego boost" that you are so upset..instead the MOST POWERFUL choice for YOU today, is to "NOT talk to him... let him wonder, think, feel, and realize that what he did has effected you deeply, so deeply that you can't even talk to him right now"..

samiami · 03-12-2007, 12:12 PM

I haven't yelled at him. I've just cried. Not only have we been together for what seems like our whole lives, he is my best friend. We have our lives planned with each other. And I'm not perfect. I know what it's like to get caught up in something and not have the balls to get out of the situation. It's so hard not to talk to him.

EDIT: I almost forgot. Before I was with Mike, I was involved in another long-term relationship with an older guy. We broke up because I cheated on him when I got curious about being with other people. I was Mike's first girlfriend. Because of what I did, I always told him that if he EVER felt the need to explore, to just come to me and we would work through it somehow. But instead he does this. I don't know why he thought he couldn't come to me. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me?

03-12-2007, 11:53 AM	#1
samiami Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Ohio Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 38	How could he do this to me? My boyfriend (Mike) and I have been together over 5 and a half years. We got together when we were 16 years old. Now we are 22 and we live together. We live about an hour away from our hometown of Lima, where we both still work at our high school restaurant job on the weekends. Mike goes back home more often than I because I have another job here in Toledo. Anyway, I just found out that Mike has been {Mod Edit} another girl that we work with, one that I though was my friend, for two years. They've done everything together, oral sex, regular sex, anal sex....who knows what else. Mike says he kept it physical on his end, although my "friend" was in love with him (she told me herself). She only pretended to be my friend so that she could spend time with Mike (she goes to school in Toledo during the week and works at the restaurant in Lima on weekends too). They used to carpool back and forth from Lima to Toledo every weekend, because she is scared of driving on the highway. She sent me a text message on Friday morning at 3am to tell me that Mike had been cheating on me. I called her and asked her to tell me everything. She told me they'd been together for the past two years. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. So I ended up getting to Lima around 7am. I picked her up and drove around getting all the information that I could before I confronted Mike. Then I went to his house. He admitted to everything, but said he broke it off with her right before she texted me, and that is probably why she told me. He was angry with her because he wanted to tell me himself. I just don't know what to do. He and I have had our share of tough times, but we always pulled through. We've basically grown up together, and I love him more than I think it is possible to love someone else...he is my best friend, the one person I could trust to always be there for me and who knew everything there was to know about me. And now I find out he's basically been leading this double life for the past two years. He loves me. I know that. But I don't know how to get past this to make it work. I keep picturing him with her. In our apartment, in my bed, on our living room floor, in his truck, in her dorm room, in his parents' house in his bed and on their couch. What do I do? I want so badly to make it with him, but how can I ever stop thinking about this and trust him again? Last edited by hubman01; 03-12-2007 at 12:39 PM. Reason: Language!

03-12-2007, 12:01 PM	#3
Honey Pumpkin Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 2,396	Ouch - that's a huge huge betrayal. Stop thinking about getting back with him for the minute, you HAVE to take time out for yourself. He cheated on you for two years - that's not an accident, one drunken incident (although they are bad enough). This was ongoing betrayal, deliberate and cold-blooded. have you got family/friends where you are now? I think you need to take time out with them for a while, let them support and cherish you, and let you come to terms with this. What a horrible thing to find out about him, and in such a nasty way. I'm so sorry, what a nightmare for you. Focus on you for the minute, and how you feel. Let him stew, and don't rush into anything at all. Good luck. __________________ “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake…” (Francis Bacon, 1561 – 1626)

03-12-2007, 12:05 PM	#5
jimthzz Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Posts: 337	a cheating guy from Lima OH? Cheating uy from Lima, OH? Sure doesn't sound like a good catch to me. BTW, that line about him wanting to tell you himself is total bull. This guy cheated on you for two years with someone you thought was your friend. I'm sorry for your pain, but you should count yourself lucky that you see this guy's true colors before you move in together or get married or get pregnant by him. Get yourself checked for STDs and concentrate on finding happiness in Toledo. Tell that guy to get lost.

03-12-2007, 12:09 PM	#7
iLoveMyBabyCairo Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Liverpool, where the sun never shines. Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 6,038	oh god...ouch... i am so sorry... As someone else said, you need to talk to someone, so you can straighten this out in your mind a little better. You need to take time apart from him before deciding what to do. And I agree, he wasn't going to tell you. Definitely go get tested for STDs __________________ JenSocietyOfSloreMaking!© --Lionel Hutz No that's not how you express love! You express your love by calling her a dirty little ***** and slapping her in the face with your penis! --hersmudders...always classy.

03-12-2007, 12:12 PM	#10
samiami Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Ohio Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 38	I haven't yelled at him. I've just cried. Not only have we been together for what seems like our whole lives, he is my best friend. We have our lives planned with each other. And I'm not perfect. I know what it's like to get caught up in something and not have the balls to get out of the situation. It's so hard not to talk to him. EDIT: I almost forgot. Before I was with Mike, I was involved in another long-term relationship with an older guy. We broke up because I cheated on him when I got curious about being with other people. I was Mike's first girlfriend. Because of what I did, I always told him that if he EVER felt the need to explore, to just come to me and we would work through it somehow. But instead he does this. I don't know why he thought he couldn't come to me. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me? Last edited by samiami; 03-12-2007 at 12:16 PM.

03-12-2007, 11:58 AM	#2
blender Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,605	Take some time to "just think it all through".. is there a therapist you can go see? This is a big hurdle for you emotionally, and yes it's very possible he loves you so much, and he made a big mistake, but this will effect you for awhile, and he's going to have to VERY PATIENT and understanding about how deeply he's hurt you. I'm so sorry that this happened, and you're going to need some time... and take all the time you need to process everything, and yes it's possible that the two of you can re-build trust, but you are going to need to do your own healing first, and he has to respect and understand the consequence of his actions/choice of not being "strong enough" to be honest with you from the start..ugh..but do NOT take it personally, his choice says more about him then it does about you... remember that. Have you told your Mom, a friend, anyone whom you trust for to you cry and talk this over with?

03-12-2007, 12:07 PM	#6
samiami Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Ohio Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 38	We already live together. We have an apartment together in Toledo. We just go back to Lima on weekends and over summers to work at our restaurant job. You don't think there's a chance that he is sincere?

03-12-2007, 12:10 PM	#9
blender Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,605	Yes, it's probably best for you to take some time to be on your own, I know that is scary for you to consider, but it's the most healthy thing for you to do.. just take this one day at a time, and if he calls you today, just say in a calm way, "I'm just not ready to talk right now"... and then get off the phone... if he keeps calling then say: "You have to respect that I'm hurting and confused, so please respect and understand when I say I'm not ready to talk about this right now"... and then let him live with himself for awhile... this is the most healing and attractive thing for you to do right now... let him live with HIMSELF, HIS OWN CHOICE TO CHEAT, LET HIM THINK AND DO NOT talk to him about it while you are still so highly emotional, feeling so betrayed and angry.. yelling at him will only give him some kind of "ego boost" that you are so upset..instead the MOST POWERFUL choice for YOU today, is to "NOT talk to him... let him wonder, think, feel, and realize that what he did has effected you deeply, so deeply that you can't even talk to him right now"..