...........

[Gracelove]

I'm getting so sleepy, but natuarally I don't want to go to sleep.

I'm thinking about Monday and work. It's amazing how sometimes I love my job and other times it's so boring I can't stand it.

I guess it's just the thought of sitting at the computer all day.

I really need to lose weight but I can't see how to accomplish that without having a breakdown.

If I don't eat I don't think I'll do any work at all.

I'm depressed and I know I'm using food to treat it. Sometimes I become so afraid that I'll fall apart.

I'm also worried about making an appointment to get on medicine again. For some reason the whole medicine thing is really scary for me right now.

What am I going to do? I'll be getting married in less than a year, and I really want to be "together". I'm feeling scared all around. I don't want to quit my job. Maybe that's what I need to get myself together.

But I enjoy work, it's the only time I'm around people other than my parents. How am I going to make it through the days without crying? Food shuts me up, but I'm starting to feel so ill.

I can't really afford to take any sick days.

I'm so scared. Medicine? Therapy? I just keep finding myself slipping away.

I love God, I do, but I don't even feel open enough to him anymore.

I feel like I'm closing up.

And then there's the whole graduation thing.
And I'm under so much pressure to lose weight before graduation. A graduation I really don't want to go to.
And then my psycho ex could be there, I don't need that kind of pressure.
I can' t deal with all of this pressure.

I'm under wayyy to much pressure. And you know what? I'm still trying to please everyone around me, when does it end?

When can I breathe?

When will things be completely okay.

And then there's the honeymoon. It's going to be so expensive I'm embarrased to tell anyone the price.
And I've made all the arrangements.

Then my dad reminded me that my boyfriend may get a great job offer in another state.

That means that our plane tickets will have to be out of another, currently unknown, state.

Then I'm afraid to be with anybody right now. I'm really unable to trust anyone completely.

What am I going to do?

When I was on medicine I was constantly tired, I yawned constantly, and jerked in my sleep (I would jerk so hard I'd wake myself up).

But then I need medicine so I can stop eating. I'm getting stretch marks.

I don't even know if I'm frustrated. I'm tired. Why can't I just........

Is there any way I could convince my parents to let me stay home, and not walk? Probably not.

I wish I didn't have to leave my boyfriend. I felt safe, happy, I was a better person than I am now.

Should I go back? To be with him? So many questions, so little to go on. Too much to decide.

Maybe I should go back. At least we had each other.

[robowarrior]

Imagine you are locked inside of a prison, what helps more to get out, eating or a key? You need to invest the energy you put into eating into finding the key to unlock and solve the roots of your problems. Its about changing your character.

I've lived like a pig, unhealthy but even tho my entire body wants to live like a pig, the end conclusion is not only that you do not want to be fat, you have to do it for yourself and not because others want it, being fat is bad for your health, people who are fat are prone to a wide variety of diseases and have much more risks to all kinds of heart problems, its not only that moving around becomes so much better and nicer and lighter when you don't weight much, life actually becomes litterarly less heavier on you if you are of normal proportions.

So i had to say to myself ' i don't want to live like a pig anymore' , you see there's only 3 directions in life, you can go down, stay where you are or go up. The first 2 are worthless because one leads to death, the second is a state of limbo, and only going up leads to improvement.

So the only thing that help was kicking my own as , and put your mind on zero and just 'Move" , the moment you start making exuses this and that are just ways of your body to get nothing done, but no action = no reaction, so you really have a change in character as wel as in changing your own lifestyle. What you eat needs to change into a (although you should consider seeing a dietist before changing your eating behaviour) for instance only fruits and grains.

Whenever i get this absurd hunger, i try to trick my own body. I just get 2 cups of rice and cook it (flavour it with something non fat that i actually like)and just stuff my body so it will get the idea that i actually had a full meal, while in reality rice doesn't add all of that much energy V.S chocolate, french fries,milk,cheese. All those fat products just have to go out of your life. Im going for a more asian eating style because for instance in Japan, most of the meals are not all that fat. So my hunger dissapears for at least a period of time, and after that i just try to eat 1 time a day, which is absurd for normal people, but for people with overweight its just more then enough.

Anyway i have a really easy method on how to get rid of uncertainty in your life. Always go for gold in your life, and whenever you are in doubt don't do it, that way you'll always stay on the safe side. Once a decision is made stick with it and go thru it,unless additional information would lead to think otherwhise.

What you need to do is to take measurements and the keyword to that is balance, i would advice you to take a course that teaches you on how to properly deal with your finances.

I know a wedding is a special occassion and you probably already spend the money, but you need to let your life be guided by the (harsh) reality, and less on your dreams. The decisions you should make are always easy in that they are to be made in order to improve your life.

So don't let others stop you from living, even if that psycho ex is there, don't put your life on a halt just because of him, go to the graduation party and have a great time. In terms of your wedding, maby there's a financial forum on e-notalone too, im not to sure but it would be helpfull to get help on getting rid of the possible debt that you have created. If you aren't good with finances its better to let your husband (if he's better with financial issues) to do the financial household.

So it all comes down to that you need to live a responsible life, and need to make responsible decisions. Keep your head above the water so you don't drown, and added to that don't put more load on your back that you can carry, a farmer can only take up so much weight on his fork before he falls down, so only lift that amount in your life that you can handle.

You know i can't force you,(to go training,financial responsiblity,diet etc) but its for you to bring the power of your life back to where it belongs, namely in your own hands. Other people may guide and help , but winning the war is up to you.