my wife is leaving!

caseydooley · 03-05-2007, 05:18 PM

The past two years of my life have been the happiest yet. I have a beautiful wife and a beautiful baby girl. I went away on business for a few weeks (first, last, and only absence from the home) and when I returned, my wife told me she loves me, but is not "in" love with me. I heard every speech in the book..."It's not you, it's me". "I never meant to hurt you", "lets be mature about this" etc... Even before I came home, my wife was out partying every weekend and continues to deceive me and avoid me and our failing marriage. All I ever wanted in life was to have a happy family and now that dream is ruined! The thing of it is, and even my wife agrees, I am a great husband. I was loving and loyal and we had an unbelievably close relationship. I've lost my partner, my lover, my best friend, and I don't even know why. We both want full custody of our 15 month old child and I can feel a bitter custody battle brewing. She is seeing a counselor, and we are scheduled for couples therapy, but she''s not trying to fix the marriage, she's only trying to understand why she's leaving. My heart is physically, constantly hurting and although I never wanted or expected this, the pain is too much to bear and I want a solution soon so I can start to heal. My wife was not only my best friend, she became my only friend and now I have no one to talk to about it and its tearing me apart.

**Hope75** · 03-05-2007, 05:24 PM

Hi Casey,

And welcome to enotalone!

I am so sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I'm not really sure what you can do, it does in fact seem like your wife has made up her mind on this, but the fact that she is willing to at least go to counseling (even if she denies the chance to work on the marriage) is a step- perhaps you both can get some insight on what made her change her mind, and maybe she would be willing/open to considering working things out.

How long have you been married? Did you have ANY problems before you went away? Any idea at all that she might not be happy, and was thinking of leaving?

obscurity · 03-05-2007, 05:28 PM

There is no point doing this

, realize this is somethings how life works. Its a cruel fate. I feel she is going to regret this as the weeks, and months pass by. Did you guys get married young?? Maybe she feels (with the excessive partying) that she missed out on her life and wants to experience being single.

I am sorry, I dont have a solution for you. Just a friendly :hug: and a ear to listen to.

ghost69 · 03-05-2007, 05:37 PM

it's better that you find out who she is before it gets further into progression and you get extremely hurt. it sucks.

caseydooley · 03-05-2007, 08:26 PM

Thanks everybody for your kind words and support,
Before I left, we had ZERO major problems, and although she never told me how she was feeling, I know for a fact that she was not miserable. I am very attentive and astute so any serious doubts would have been more than evident to me. We have been married two and a half years and all of her married friends would gush and be envious of our relationship. I felt so sorry for our friends that were not able to enjoy eachother like my wife and I did. My wife is fairly young but assured me many times that she was through dating and was ready to commit. With one phone call, she completely changed. I cryed my heart out to her and all I got in response was a sigh of inconvenience. I emailed her and she would throw it out without reading.
I am in agony

assumeLove · 03-05-2007, 10:09 PM

It's not over until the fat lady sings. When you are with the therapist, ask your wife what was missing from the marriage. Ask it genuinely and bite your tongue every time you're tempted to disagree with her view of how things were. Even if she says something outrageous, say something like, "If that's what you were experiencing, I can understand you'd be very upset. I never wanted to do that to you." Then ask for examples of what happened, so that you'll understand how she could have seen it that way.

If she's out of line, projecting her personal issues onto you unfairly, the therapist will guide her back to reality. Let the therapist do this. Don't try to do it yourself, because it will drive you apart. If your goal is to save the marriage, you gain nothing, maybe even lose everything, by convincing her she's wrong about what's wrong with the marriage or by defending yourself to her or the therapist. Focus only on how it could be if your wife stays.

That will be difficult to do, because we all have a natural tendency to defend ourselves. Right now, though, you have to listen and learn. She saw everything you saw very differently, like the blind men describing the elephant based on which part of it they touched (tail, trunk, ears, etc.) Instead of insisting the elephant really looks like a huge ear, listen to her description of the trunk and empathize with how frightening this was to her. She cannot listen to your description while she's still frightened. And once she's now longer frightened, it serves no good purpose to go back and convince her things were different. Just offer her a better future.

The past was good only for you. The future needs to be different. It must include what you need AND what she needs.

Until you get to the therapist, you might want to take a look at Gary Chapman's book on the Five Languages of Love. There's even a version of it just for men. Use it to figure out which language your wife responds to (gifts, acts of service, etc.), then speak to her with that language as much as possible.

AwdreeHpburn · 03-05-2007, 10:43 PM

Hey Casey -

I'm sorry about your situation!

Does your wife work outside the home?

BikerBoy · 03-06-2007, 04:25 AM

Casey,
believe me I know exactly how it feels. Some time ago I had my marriage on the edge. And what I found out was that I was great husband, dad and friend but also I learned I had no friends.

This is how I am. I cannot go out and party, all I want is a great and sound relationship and happy family. This is the foundation of everything for me and I believe you are similar in that sense.

Going through our impass we found our way and we got back together stronger. There are two sides of it. First one is your wife's side - selfish and egoistic with no respect, love and caring and no signs of responsibility for her life and the lifes of those who she decided to sher her life with.

The other side is your side. Hurts, wants to put it back in place, but the more you push the more resistance you get.

Think for a while. If this happens now, what can you expect later? Do you want to be in relationship which you will be following, begging and being humiliated? Or you prefer a relationship where you have someone who loves you, cares for you and someone you can trust? Because they are out there.

Give it a chance, don't look for any new friendship if you feel it is getting you out of your comfort zone. Think about yourself. You are a good person, you don't deserve such a bad treatment. Millions of women would like to have such a great husband! In our society though we don't have enough problems so we create them in our relationships... Shame how we lose our sense of values!

Shame your little child will get it but maybe not everything is lost. I wish you both to find yourselves, to reborn agan stronger! Talk, get some help. Maybe it will come back!

BB

ghost69 · 03-06-2007, 09:57 AM

i don't think it will ever be the same. once a woman said those things to me, peace out. sorry.

caseydooley · 03-06-2007, 12:20 PM

I thank everybody for their comfort and advice. To the question, yes my wife works as a nanny and is also going to school full time. I wish I could emotionally detach and rebuild my life without her, but I'm scared if I move too soon, I'll destroy any chance of reconnecting. If we didn't have a child together, the choice would be much easier. I'd call her an idiot and drop her like a hot rock, but I realize it's not me, it is her. Being a caring and loving husband, I want to help her and ease her pain. I just wish, for now, that she could put her marriage before herself as I am putting the marriage before my hurt and mangled ego. I just don't know how much longer I can endure such heartache, anger, humiliation, and rejection. This really really sucks and I would never wish this feeling on anyone.

03-05-2007, 05:18 PM	#1
caseydooley Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 3	my wife is leaving! The past two years of my life have been the happiest yet. I have a beautiful wife and a beautiful baby girl. I went away on business for a few weeks (first, last, and only absence from the home) and when I returned, my wife told me she loves me, but is not "in" love with me. I heard every speech in the book..."It's not you, it's me". "I never meant to hurt you", "lets be mature about this" etc... Even before I came home, my wife was out partying every weekend and continues to deceive me and avoid me and our failing marriage. All I ever wanted in life was to have a happy family and now that dream is ruined! The thing of it is, and even my wife agrees, I am a great husband. I was loving and loyal and we had an unbelievably close relationship. I've lost my partner, my lover, my best friend, and I don't even know why. We both want full custody of our 15 month old child and I can feel a bitter custody battle brewing. She is seeing a counselor, and we are scheduled for couples therapy, but she''s not trying to fix the marriage, she's only trying to understand why she's leaving. My heart is physically, constantly hurting and although I never wanted or expected this, the pain is too much to bear and I want a solution soon so I can start to heal. My wife was not only my best friend, she became my only friend and now I have no one to talk to about it and its tearing me apart.

03-05-2007, 05:24 PM	#2
Hope75 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,512	Hi Casey, And welcome to enotalone! I am so sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I'm not really sure what you can do, it does in fact seem like your wife has made up her mind on this, but the fact that she is willing to at least go to counseling (even if she denies the chance to work on the marriage) is a step- perhaps you both can get some insight on what made her change her mind, and maybe she would be willing/open to considering working things out. How long have you been married? Did you have ANY problems before you went away? Any idea at all that she might not be happy, and was thinking of leaving? __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

03-05-2007, 05:37 PM	#4
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,434	it's better that you find out who she is before it gets further into progression and you get extremely hurt. it sucks. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

03-05-2007, 08:26 PM	#5
caseydooley Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 3	thrown out like trash Thanks everybody for your kind words and support, Before I left, we had ZERO major problems, and although she never told me how she was feeling, I know for a fact that she was not miserable. I am very attentive and astute so any serious doubts would have been more than evident to me. We have been married two and a half years and all of her married friends would gush and be envious of our relationship. I felt so sorry for our friends that were not able to enjoy eachother like my wife and I did. My wife is fairly young but assured me many times that she was through dating and was ready to commit. With one phone call, she completely changed. I cryed my heart out to her and all I got in response was a sigh of inconvenience. I emailed her and she would throw it out without reading. I am in agony

03-05-2007, 10:43 PM	#7
AwdreeHpburn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tiffany's Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 4,639	Hey Casey - I'm sorry about your situation! Does your wife work outside the home? __________________ What i really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am......

03-05-2007, 05:28 PM	#3
obscurity Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 147	There is no point doing this , realize this is somethings how life works. Its a cruel fate. I feel she is going to regret this as the weeks, and months pass by. Did you guys get married young?? Maybe she feels (with the excessive partying) that she missed out on her life and wants to experience being single. I am sorry, I dont have a solution for you. Just a friendly :hug: and a ear to listen to.

03-05-2007, 10:09 PM	#6
assumeLove Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Pennsylvania Gender: Female Age: 57 Posts: 50	It's not over until the fat lady sings. When you are with the therapist, ask your wife what was missing from the marriage. Ask it genuinely and bite your tongue every time you're tempted to disagree with her view of how things were. Even if she says something outrageous, say something like, "If that's what you were experiencing, I can understand you'd be very upset. I never wanted to do that to you." Then ask for examples of what happened, so that you'll understand how she could have seen it that way. If she's out of line, projecting her personal issues onto you unfairly, the therapist will guide her back to reality. Let the therapist do this. Don't try to do it yourself, because it will drive you apart. If your goal is to save the marriage, you gain nothing, maybe even lose everything, by convincing her she's wrong about what's wrong with the marriage or by defending yourself to her or the therapist. Focus only on how it could be if your wife stays. That will be difficult to do, because we all have a natural tendency to defend ourselves. Right now, though, you have to listen and learn. She saw everything you saw very differently, like the blind men describing the elephant based on which part of it they touched (tail, trunk, ears, etc.) Instead of insisting the elephant really looks like a huge ear, listen to her description of the trunk and empathize with how frightening this was to her. She cannot listen to your description while she's still frightened. And once she's now longer frightened, it serves no good purpose to go back and convince her things were different. Just offer her a better future. The past was good only for you. The future needs to be different. It must include what you need AND what she needs. Until you get to the therapist, you might want to take a look at Gary Chapman's book on the Five Languages of Love. There's even a version of it just for men. Use it to figure out which language your wife responds to (gifts, acts of service, etc.), then speak to her with that language as much as possible.

03-06-2007, 04:25 AM	#8
BikerBoy Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Western Europe (very west :-) ) Gender: Male Posts: 17	Casey, believe me I know exactly how it feels. Some time ago I had my marriage on the edge. And what I found out was that I was great husband, dad and friend but also I learned I had no friends. This is how I am. I cannot go out and party, all I want is a great and sound relationship and happy family. This is the foundation of everything for me and I believe you are similar in that sense. Going through our impass we found our way and we got back together stronger. There are two sides of it. First one is your wife's side - selfish and egoistic with no respect, love and caring and no signs of responsibility for her life and the lifes of those who she decided to sher her life with. The other side is your side. Hurts, wants to put it back in place, but the more you push the more resistance you get. Think for a while. If this happens now, what can you expect later? Do you want to be in relationship which you will be following, begging and being humiliated? Or you prefer a relationship where you have someone who loves you, cares for you and someone you can trust? Because they are out there. Give it a chance, don't look for any new friendship if you feel it is getting you out of your comfort zone. Think about yourself. You are a good person, you don't deserve such a bad treatment. Millions of women would like to have such a great husband! In our society though we don't have enough problems so we create them in our relationships... Shame how we lose our sense of values! Shame your little child will get it but maybe not everything is lost. I wish you both to find yourselves, to reborn agan stronger! Talk, get some help. Maybe it will come back! BB

03-06-2007, 09:57 AM	#9
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,434	i don't think it will ever be the same. once a woman said those things to me, peace out. sorry. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

03-06-2007, 12:20 PM	#10
caseydooley Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 3	I thank everybody for their comfort and advice. To the question, yes my wife works as a nanny and is also going to school full time. I wish I could emotionally detach and rebuild my life without her, but I'm scared if I move too soon, I'll destroy any chance of reconnecting. If we didn't have a child together, the choice would be much easier. I'd call her an idiot and drop her like a hot rock, but I realize it's not me, it is her. Being a caring and loving husband, I want to help her and ease her pain. I just wish, for now, that she could put her marriage before herself as I am putting the marriage before my hurt and mangled ego. I just don't know how much longer I can endure such heartache, anger, humiliation, and rejection. This really really sucks and I would never wish this feeling on anyone.