I need your advice --PLEASE!

blackcloud · 03-04-2007, 09:10 PM

Hello, I'm new to this forum.

I really needed someones input. My marriage is on the brink of falling apart. Here is the story: I lied to my wife about money. I'm not proud of it but it's the reality. It wouldn't be so bad but over the last 8 years of marriage I've just been a disaster with money. I always screw something up with our money. I felt ashamed and I end up lying to her. I don't know why, because she always finds out. So I haven't been the best husband in that department. In everything else I've been a good husband, honestly! So I really messed up this time and she's really tired of it. She has given me an ultimatum: I need to get a second job and quit all my outside hobbies. One of those hobbies is playing in a band. The band is a once a week thing that I do with some friends. We play out once or twice a month. I don't make any money at it but it is something I really enjoy. I really get a lot of fulfillment from it. To quit it now would leave a huge hole in my life. If I quit this then I'm afraid that there other things that she with ask me to quit. Is her request fair? Am I out of line? I'm fine with the second job and giving up everything else.

Please understand, I love my wife - very much! I'm just afraid if I quit my music then I'll end up resenting her and feeling regret for the rest of my life.

Please help!

Locke2121 · 03-04-2007, 09:15 PM

Perfectly fair in my opinion. Your out playing rock star while your finances are in the red. You need to reevaluate what is most important to you, your marriage or your music. Music can always be taken back up after you set the finances back on track, your marriage is another matter.

**melrich** · 03-04-2007, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Please understand, I love my wife - very much! I'm just afraid if I quit my music then I'll end up resenting her and feeling regret for the rest of my life.

That's understandable. How is the band issue related to the money issue?

I think that if you yourself have recognised that you are a screw up with money then you probably are.

I think you need to start listening to your wife and give up some of these "hobbies" that you are spending money on. Maybe the band is the one you don't give up but you are going to have to compromise on some things from the sounds of it.

blackcloud · 03-04-2007, 09:31 PM

Actually, the band hobby doesn't (or hasn't) costed us any money. So the money issue and the music are not totally related. But like Lock2121, said that I'm "out playing rock star while your finances are in the red" would be correct. A partly I think she wants me to hurt like she hurts. So it's a pay back in some ways.

isisastaria · 03-04-2007, 09:32 PM

WELCOME TO THE FORUM!! Hope you can get some very helpful advice here!

I think the band is taking up time he could spend working.

Is there a compromist that could be reached? I think your wife needs a lot from you right now. You DID lie about the money. But I realize as a musician that music isn't always an OPTION. It can be very very depressing without my piano. Even for a week!!!

Can you ask her if you can just come to an agreement? Maybe just go Down on the amount of time you are playing in the band? If you explain to her you are afraid you'll get depressed without it (if that's the fact) then she might just compromise. Does this help?

**melrich** · 03-04-2007, 09:33 PM

Well I can understand that giving up the music could actually do more harm than good but you have to start showing her some progress. So maybe the compromise is give up the other hobbies but keep your one nite a week with the band.

I think the important thing is you start making a real effort and show her that you are doing so.

**caro33** · 03-04-2007, 09:34 PM

It's not clear to me why you need to give up all your outside hobbies and the relation to finances. Is it because they all cost money, or time that might be better spent earning money, or is it a form of punishment?

If we're talking purely punishment then I can see why she would be angry, but agree that it's not constructive as it doesn't address the real problem here of your money management, and yes, you'll resent her. Maybe she wants you to resent her as much as she resents you right now, but it's not sustainable path.

Does the band cost money or valuable time? What other hobbies are you also to give up? How exactly are you resolving the money issue besides a second job? And how are you resolving the trust issue? Maybe if you make serious inroads in these other areas the band ceases to be an issue....

Edit: posted this before I saw other posts above but am still keen on answers to last para's questions.

NHBaglady · 03-04-2007, 09:38 PM

If I didn't know better I could swear my husband wrote this post, it hits that close to home for me. He now jams every week with his bandmates, I have no problems with him going over to his buddies house and rocking on until the wee hours.

But, when I compromised and said, sure, stay with the band.....it may not seem to you to cost anything, but you know, you don't stay at a club all night and drink or eat nothing. You and I both know there are many hidden costs.

Look, you lied to her...you mishandled money seriously.......and I kinda feel that you may have a bit of a Peter Pan complex.

My suggestion is, try it her way for a while. If music is that important to you - she never told you to sell your instrument. Isn't she and your family the MOST important audience???

Eva:Gina · 03-04-2007, 09:43 PM

She probably wants you to prove that your marriage means something to you.
I understand that you will resent her for making you quit music, but perhaps talk to her about giving it up for a month or two?

It sounds to me like it might go deeper than the money, that she sees the carelessness with the family's assets as a sign you dont care about them. She might want you to spend the time you would normally spend playing in your band, re-establishing the connection with her.

She want assurance that you care... Its a pretty big blow when your partner doesnt care about you enough to keep your finances in check, and then to lie about it...

I think its fair, if it is a temporary measure.

blackcloud · 03-04-2007, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by caro33

Does the band cost money or valuable time? What other hobbies are you also to give up? How exactly are you resolving the money issue besides a second job? And how are you resolving the trust issue?

No the band doesn't cost that much money. Besides guitar strings and replacing chords. I practice once a week and play out on weekends once or twice a month. I only drink water during our shows.

My one other hobby is pretty geeky. Once a week I play Dungeon and Dragons with some old friends. Besides snacks it costs nothing.

The trust issue can only be resolved by honesty on my part. Slowly I guess...

03-04-2007, 09:10 PM	#1
blackcloud Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 26	I need your advice --PLEASE! Hello, I'm new to this forum. I really needed someones input. My marriage is on the brink of falling apart. Here is the story: I lied to my wife about money. I'm not proud of it but it's the reality. It wouldn't be so bad but over the last 8 years of marriage I've just been a disaster with money. I always screw something up with our money. I felt ashamed and I end up lying to her. I don't know why, because she always finds out. So I haven't been the best husband in that department. In everything else I've been a good husband, honestly! So I really messed up this time and she's really tired of it. She has given me an ultimatum: I need to get a second job and quit all my outside hobbies. One of those hobbies is playing in a band. The band is a once a week thing that I do with some friends. We play out once or twice a month. I don't make any money at it but it is something I really enjoy. I really get a lot of fulfillment from it. To quit it now would leave a huge hole in my life. If I quit this then I'm afraid that there other things that she with ask me to quit. Is her request fair? Am I out of line? I'm fine with the second job and giving up everything else. Please understand, I love my wife - very much! I'm just afraid if I quit my music then I'll end up resenting her and feeling regret for the rest of my life. Please help!

03-04-2007, 09:15 PM	#2
Locke2121 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The South, nuff said. Gender: Male Posts: 1,661	Perfectly fair in my opinion. Your out playing rock star while your finances are in the red. You need to reevaluate what is most important to you, your marriage or your music. Music can always be taken back up after you set the finances back on track, your marriage is another matter. __________________ Blessings Be. http://www.myspace.com/locke2121 "Bald is beautiful......at least thats what I keep saying to myself!"

03-04-2007, 09:32 PM	#5
isisastaria Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 441	WELCOME TO THE FORUM!! Hope you can get some very helpful advice here! I think the band is taking up time he could spend working. Is there a compromist that could be reached? I think your wife needs a lot from you right now. You DID lie about the money. But I realize as a musician that music isn't always an OPTION. It can be very very depressing without my piano. Even for a week!!! Can you ask her if you can just come to an agreement? Maybe just go Down on the amount of time you are playing in the band? If you explain to her you are afraid you'll get depressed without it (if that's the fact) then she might just compromise. Does this help? __________________ I love people too much to hide what I truly see.

03-04-2007, 09:34 PM	#7
caro33 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 2,569	It's not clear to me why you need to give up all your outside hobbies and the relation to finances. Is it because they all cost money, or time that might be better spent earning money, or is it a form of punishment? If we're talking purely punishment then I can see why she would be angry, but agree that it's not constructive as it doesn't address the real problem here of your money management, and yes, you'll resent her. Maybe she wants you to resent her as much as she resents you right now, but it's not sustainable path. Does the band cost money or valuable time? What other hobbies are you also to give up? How exactly are you resolving the money issue besides a second job? And how are you resolving the trust issue? Maybe if you make serious inroads in these other areas the band ceases to be an issue.... Edit: posted this before I saw other posts above but am still keen on answers to last para's questions. Last edited by caro33; 03-04-2007 at 09:36 PM.

03-04-2007, 09:38 PM	#8
NHBaglady Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: NH Gender: Female Posts: 4	I am in your wifes position If I didn't know better I could swear my husband wrote this post, it hits that close to home for me. He now jams every week with his bandmates, I have no problems with him going over to his buddies house and rocking on until the wee hours. But, when I compromised and said, sure, stay with the band.....it may not seem to you to cost anything, but you know, you don't stay at a club all night and drink or eat nothing. You and I both know there are many hidden costs. Look, you lied to her...you mishandled money seriously.......and I kinda feel that you may have a bit of a Peter Pan complex. My suggestion is, try it her way for a while. If music is that important to you - she never told you to sell your instrument. Isn't she and your family the MOST important audience???

03-04-2007, 09:31 PM	#4
blackcloud Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 26	Actually, the band hobby doesn't (or hasn't) costed us any money. So the money issue and the music are not totally related. But like Lock2121, said that I'm "out playing rock star while your finances are in the red" would be correct. A partly I think she wants me to hurt like she hurts. So it's a pay back in some ways.

03-04-2007, 09:33 PM	#6
melrich Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Gender: Male Posts: 8,503	Well I can understand that giving up the music could actually do more harm than good but you have to start showing her some progress. So maybe the compromise is give up the other hobbies but keep your one nite a week with the band. I think the important thing is you start making a real effort and show her that you are doing so.

03-04-2007, 09:43 PM	#9
Eva:Gina Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Aotearoa Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 3,473	She probably wants you to prove that your marriage means something to you. I understand that you will resent her for making you quit music, but perhaps talk to her about giving it up for a month or two? It sounds to me like it might go deeper than the money, that she sees the carelessness with the family's assets as a sign you dont care about them. She might want you to spend the time you would normally spend playing in your band, re-establishing the connection with her. She want assurance that you care... Its a pretty big blow when your partner doesnt care about you enough to keep your finances in check, and then to lie about it... I think its fair, if it is a temporary measure. __________________ Dont let the self-rightous dictate your own mind to you...