reconciling with aging mother...

[bcsofie]

hello everyone. i'm new here. the topic may have long been forgotten - support for disowned children. i hope not, but just the same if for some divine intervention someone will still get to read this, then maybe the messages that may be exchanged will be some form of answer or a direction to an answer to what some people may be experiencing.

my mother, a very strong and ambitious woman, accomplished in so many ways, but insecure in some ways as well, masking this with authority being the eldest of 7 children adopted me when I was barely 6 months old from my father who is her brother. i never knew any other mother except for her and my dad. the younger years of my life and my older (adoptive as well) sister (child of another brother) were materially well provided. we went to good schools, etc. in the latter years however, my mother became physically or at least that is what probably we only see, have become physically violent with my dad. there will be yelling, throwing of chairs, breaking things. if there were days that there was no fighting, it was considred rest day. i was in 3rd grade when i saw the first physical attack my mom gave to my dad. my dad was sitting in a chair, bowed head and my mom yelling at him and hitting him anywhere her hands landed. my dad's face was bleeding in some of the hits he took. and then my mom got a chair (solid wood) and threw is at my dad while he was backing out. she threw another chair to our sliding door and broke the whole celing to floor glass. it was a mess. all this times, i was looking through under the stairs with my grandma. i am 40 years old. and these have not been erased from my memory at all. sad, isn't it. you wonder why they had a fight? because i wondered too and later on i learned that my dad was having an affair and that was why my mom got so angry. in my mind thouugh, why did her need to have an affair? was something missing in their relationship. as much as it is wrong to have an affair, one needs to see both sides of the coin to really understand.

anyway, life went on, through their constant flights at the dinner table, after mass, after whatever... they will argue and fight. not as violent as before but my mom's eyes glared like you would like to to hide in a cave forever. i was in 3rd grade when my older sister got pregnant and my mom, hush with everything, said the three of us (me, her and my dad) were going out for dinner on a school night. unusual for us. but i did not question it. i was just wondering why my sister isn't coming with us. when we got back, all my sister's things are gone from the room we shared. i was sad. no goodbyes, nothing. she did leave me the nice smelling soaps we always fought about because i wanted to have one and she left her accordion which i always wanted to play with. from then on, no words were spoken about her leaving. until she gave birth to my nephew. i was 9 years old then. i took care of my nephew whenever she needed help. i liked that i can visit her in her new house with my brother in law.

i grew older of course, and so when i was in my junior year in high school, my mom and dad told me that they are leaving to work in NY and left me. i lived with my sister's family during those times, but the hard life she's had affected our relationship as well. she felt that i was a burden to her. i was 15. unfortuntaley, my sister's temper was similar to my mom. she started throwing things at me and yelling. i wondered why? i did all housework for them. cooked, cleaned the house, washed clothes, took care of their kids (by then they had 2), took care of the garden, ironed clothes... what? then one summer day, as i was hanging clothes to dry outside and my gandma visited, my sister suddenly through a pot at me and yelling that i was such a burden to her. i asked why? i said, i am short of a slave here in their house, and why are you so mad at me...? i just did not get it. my brother in law was stopping her from grabbing my hair and my grandma was crying while embracing me as i was folding the clothes. and then she said, "because mom and dad love you more than me." i was speechless. i cannot say anything else because this is how she feels and i want to respect it. i felt sorry for her, but still, i did not do anything to her. that was not my fault. and frankly speaking, i don't think its true.

i graduated high school and went to college, i was still living with my sister after cooling off. i was also working part-time and so gave her monthly rent which helped ease the tension between us. i still did all the house chores though. and i met my boyfriend, now my wonderful husband. a gift from God.

through the years of my marriage with 2 wonderful boys, my life apart from my past and my off and on associations with my side of the family are happy times. until my mom and dad retired from their NY work and lived with my family this time. why with me? because my sister wouldn't take them, or would take them but would make them feel unwelcomed. so they lived with me, which to a certain degree, was not easy. they are difficult people to live with, especially my mom. she is strong-willed and anyone with a different opinion, is wrong. no ifs, not buts. she is very vocal as well. good thing my husband is so easy going and would not bother himself with these too much. i for one, was not comfortable with the situation. we were not allowed to talk loud, or my sons couldn't bounce a ball while they're there because it was too noisy, etc. plus, financially, my parents were partially dependent on us. it was hard. every day i was walking on eggs. she was still the authority of everything, i let her because i did not know how to take it from her. my dad threw in the white towel way way back.. and just let her run his life as well. not good. i was stressed out. my dad passed away in 2000 and i was left to take care of my mom. not easy. she was demanding, as depressed as she was as well, she made it even harder for us at home. she then said a lot of things about me and my family to our relatives that are not true. and so i finally decided to move far away from her. the house was getting to tight for all of us. i consulted my biological father and mother who know about the whole situation and they helped me and my family relocate. My bio dad said, the easiest way to solve this is for you to leave our home and give control to my mom. my husband did not like the idea at all because he had a great job where we are! my kids loved their school... why should we leave? it was hard, but its either we leave or i go crazy (medically) . it was TOO TOO MUCH. I consulted psychiatrists, psychologists, nuns, priests, mentors in school, mature friends, every positive source of information. they all said, leave, walk away... the house is not worth the stress and the effects it was taking on my health and my family. so i convinced my husband, good as he is, agreed. went off to another country to start a new life.

my biological parents supported us with this decision. now my mom has disowned us. me, my husband and my children. she said that she could have gotten other children to adopt but she chose me because she wanted me to have a better future... which is crap because she wanted a child, period. (they don't have children of their own) and better future?... she gave me anxiety attacks to no end, she belittled my husband and my children. there was obviously no motherly love at all. i know because IAM a mother, and I would NEVER do anything that she did to us to my children. and maybe because I am adopted and that is why there was no real love and connection. i did love my adoptive father very much. there is still this question hanging in my mind, why my bio parents gave me up. maybe they were pressured by my mom. i don't know. no answers were given. my mom sent me back all pictures and things we left in our house. she never replied to my letters. and i stopped writing as well. what's the point.

i want to reconcile with her. still. she's old. i have reached out, but she she never met me half way. i want to try one last time... life is getting short for all of us to be in this senseless situation... all because (I think) of pride.... what more can i do?

[DN]

You have a very generous heart to want to reconcile with her but you can still forgive your mother without actually meeting her or reconciling with her. You have reached out and if she does not want to reciprocate then that is all you can do. Do not blame yourself in anyway but perhaps now you can concentrate your emotional energy on your husband and children instead of being distracted by your mother.

[under_my_amberella]

i've posted in the other thread although i have to admit, I don't have any insightful answers. i'm sorry you've had to deal with such an irrational and selfish person.

[isisastaria]

It seems your mother has some difficulties with her mental stability. Seems it might be better to just stay away. Obviously, biological parents aren't always the best candidates to raise children. Even if they adopt that can be the case. I know many people who were adopted. These homes can be some of the worst. I've seen it. Please understand there is always respect to be paid to the woman who gave you the attempt at raising you the best she could. That doesn't mean you have to expose yourself and your family to nonsense or abuse.