my boyfriend and his popularity: part deux

emma34 · 03-02-2007, 08:15 PM

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170812
(ps. we've been together over a year)
K...following previous post.

I spoke about the issue of us not getting an QT last night. He picked me up @ bed time as per his usual garbage...and I was rather mad at this point cause I had been dwelling on this issue. So we talked about it, and he got really defensive, and was finnlly like'ya know, your right...' cause I was saying how him and his friends have things that they DO together, but we didn't have that: except of course for CSI:Miami, which happens to be on at bedtime...so realy we're not even spending THAT time together. Then I got kind of upset and didn't really want to talk to him anymore and went to sleep - probably not very productive arguement.

So tonight is Friday night and I told him I have to study...because I do, and partially because i'm "making myself not available" (which totally sucks..because i AM available!) When I asked what are his plans for this evening he said he was thinking about getting drunk...he didn't mention who, but this is obviously is not me because I have to study in the morning.
I want to express to him, that 'HEY last night we talked about this, and it's friday night', and maybe him and I could go for a glass of wine later or just chill out the two of us - but that doesn't seem to be crossing his mind at all.. i obviously did not get through to him.

Batya33 · 03-02-2007, 08:20 PM

You did get through to him but unfortunately he is choosing partying and drinking over you. The next step is to not be available because you have other plans - and if those plans are with yourself - a yoga or cooking class, going to the gym, doing something you like to do at home - that's great too.

astaro · 03-02-2007, 08:20 PM

your sending him mixed messages, atleast thats how i would feel if i was him.

you told him you have to study, is he suposed to guess that you told him that just to make yourself unavailable so he would want to ask you out more?!

Batya33 · 03-02-2007, 08:22 PM

Ahh -yes I agree with this -didn't read carefully - except that they are past the "asking out" stage - I think. What should happen is that the next time he wants to make plans with her, if it is last minute or the plan is just to come over late at night and hang out, she should not be as available. Not as a game but because she is working on having more to do with others socially.

astaro · 03-02-2007, 08:31 PM

i fully agree with you batya. but timing is everything. if you tell him you need to do something a certin night dont expect him to ask you out.

emma34 · 03-02-2007, 08:32 PM

I said I was studying till like 9...that's not the whole night...we still could of done something afterwards

Batya33 · 03-02-2007, 08:32 PM

All I am saying is that once he asks her out she can be busy if the invitation is just to come over late at night or if it is last minute, etc.

itsallgrand · 03-02-2007, 09:07 PM

Bah! He had his chance at swatting the ball back. He is choosing not to.

So, make it easy. Game over. Just ASK STRAIGHT OUT. " Wanna go for a glass of wine tonight? "

Not tonight, obviously, but next time you want to spend time with him. Why wait for him? You will be waiting forever.

Look, you already talked to him about it and voiced your concern. He got defensive. (He's not taking you seriously. Figures, ok, she will chatter about it once in a while but basically I can continue to do what I am doing and things will stay the same).

Time to be proactive. Ask him early. If he gives the "goin' drinkin'" response: Bingo. An opportunity to relay back to him "Remember how I mentioned how I'd love to spend more QT with you? Well, it is up to you now. I won't mention it again".

And then do it. Take his 'no' as a 'no' without taking it personally. You'll have the chance to make other plans.
If you need or want to study, so be it.

The point is: Don't get sucked into having him call the shots for your life.
You'll end up frustrated, waiting, maybe even mad and resentful.

Sorry, but you can't really convince a person to spend more time with you when your eye is on getting what you want from them. It takes away from you being you - the very thing that is so attractive and fun.

Hope that isn't too harsh. Just trying to save you some miserable nights.

Altruist · 03-03-2007, 07:20 AM

What kind of a guy is he who can't take such hints? He sounds egotistic to me. For the record, how old is he?

emma34 · 03-03-2007, 11:34 AM

He's 26.. almost 27

03-02-2007, 08:15 PM	#1
emma34 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 645	my boyfriend and his popularity: part deux http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170812 (ps. we've been together over a year) K...following previous post. I spoke about the issue of us not getting an QT last night. He picked me up @ bed time as per his usual garbage...and I was rather mad at this point cause I had been dwelling on this issue. So we talked about it, and he got really defensive, and was finnlly like'ya know, your right...' cause I was saying how him and his friends have things that they DO together, but we didn't have that: except of course for CSI:Miami, which happens to be on at bedtime...so realy we're not even spending THAT time together. Then I got kind of upset and didn't really want to talk to him anymore and went to sleep - probably not very productive arguement. So tonight is Friday night and I told him I have to study...because I do, and partially because i'm "making myself not available" (which totally sucks..because i AM available!) When I asked what are his plans for this evening he said he was thinking about getting drunk...he didn't mention who, but this is obviously is not me because I have to study in the morning. I want to express to him, that 'HEY last night we talked about this, and it's friday night', and maybe him and I could go for a glass of wine later or just chill out the two of us - but that doesn't seem to be crossing his mind at all.. i obviously did not get through to him.

03-03-2007, 07:20 AM	#9
Altruist Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Cloud 9 Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 1,345	What kind of a guy is he who can't take such hints? He sounds egotistic to me. For the record, how old is he? __________________ @}->-- --<-{@

03-02-2007, 08:20 PM	#2
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,074	You did get through to him but unfortunately he is choosing partying and drinking over you. The next step is to not be available because you have other plans - and if those plans are with yourself - a yoga or cooking class, going to the gym, doing something you like to do at home - that's great too.

03-02-2007, 08:20 PM	#3
astaro Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 318	your sending him mixed messages, atleast thats how i would feel if i was him. you told him you have to study, is he suposed to guess that you told him that just to make yourself unavailable so he would want to ask you out more?!

03-02-2007, 08:22 PM	#4
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,074	Ahh -yes I agree with this -didn't read carefully - except that they are past the "asking out" stage - I think. What should happen is that the next time he wants to make plans with her, if it is last minute or the plan is just to come over late at night and hang out, she should not be as available. Not as a game but because she is working on having more to do with others socially.

03-02-2007, 08:31 PM	#5
astaro Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 318	i fully agree with you batya. but timing is everything. if you tell him you need to do something a certin night dont expect him to ask you out.

03-02-2007, 08:32 PM	#6
emma34 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 645	I said I was studying till like 9...that's not the whole night...we still could of done something afterwards

03-02-2007, 09:07 PM	#8
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,797	Bah! He had his chance at swatting the ball back. He is choosing not to. So, make it easy. Game over. Just ASK STRAIGHT OUT. " Wanna go for a glass of wine tonight? " Not tonight, obviously, but next time you want to spend time with him. Why wait for him? You will be waiting forever. Look, you already talked to him about it and voiced your concern. He got defensive. (He's not taking you seriously. Figures, ok, she will chatter about it once in a while but basically I can continue to do what I am doing and things will stay the same). Time to be proactive. Ask him early. If he gives the "goin' drinkin'" response: Bingo. An opportunity to relay back to him "Remember how I mentioned how I'd love to spend more QT with you? Well, it is up to you now. I won't mention it again". And then do it. Take his 'no' as a 'no' without taking it personally. You'll have the chance to make other plans. If you need or want to study, so be it. The point is: Don't get sucked into having him call the shots for your life. You'll end up frustrated, waiting, maybe even mad and resentful. Sorry, but you can't really convince a person to spend more time with you when your eye is on getting what you want from them. It takes away from you being you - the very thing that is so attractive and fun. Hope that isn't too harsh. Just trying to save you some miserable nights.

03-03-2007, 11:34 AM	#10
emma34 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 645	He's 26.. almost 27