Is he interested? - Catholic Courtship

[SJA87]

Hello all. I am not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this in, but I'll give it a shot.

First off, I should make it clear that I since 2002 I was in an off again-on again relationship with someone that officially ended a year-and-a-half ago. I'm not someone who is interested in dating around, so I really haven't been on the look-out for a new relationship since then. I guess I feel a tad rusty in reading men's body language, which is essentially the point of this entire post.



I have been attending a Church off-and-on for over a year. I started regularly attending this parish about six months ago and not long after I started attending regularly I was looking to see if the parish had some sort of an offering box since I had missed Mass the prior weekend and was therefore unable to give my offering. As I was looking around, a male parishioner came up to me and offered his help. He took me into the secretary's office where we left the donation on her desk. At this time I had a male friend with me and it is fairly obvious that he and I are nothing more than friends.

Afterward I would see this male parishioner (we'll call him Rob) at Mass and he would smile and give me a friendly wink. I soon found out that he was one of the DRE's (Director of Religious Education) there. During the Advent Confession service I had some questions and he was the closest familiar face, so I asked him if he would be willing to help me. At this point I just assumed he was married, though I have no idea why I made that assumption. He started to hand me a pamphlet and then paused because Fr. was preparing to read the Gospel. We stood side-by-side as the Gospel was read and I had the oddest thought strike me; "what if this is the man you could spend the rest of your life standing next to?" To me - now that I re-think the wording - it's not the sort of wording I usually choose. When I thought it, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It instantly dawned on me afterward that I had assumed he was married, so I casually glanced down at his ring finger and there was no ring. After Mass and confession he and I chatted briefly, joked and laughed and then I left.

After that he would (again) acknowledge me every time he saw me at Church. Always with a big smile and most often with a friendly wink, as well. Being that he is a DRE, I ask him some of the questions I have pertaining to Mass and other parish activities. Most of these conversations were only about five minutes in length, though I did notice that he would usually touch or sometimes pat me on the lower arm/elbow region when we were talking. A couple of weeks ago we ended up talking for about ten or fifteen minutes about how we both had an awful habit of purchasing new books even though we had stacks of unread books at our homes. Our conversations always result in us joking and laughing. I offered to let him borrow a specific book of mine that we had been talking about and he acted pretty excited that I put the offer on the table. He raised his eyebrows and said "Really? I'd love to read it; that would be great!"
Last week I brought the book to Church for him and he was friendly again - big smile, wink and thanked me for the book. About forty minutes later, he got my attention again and thanked me for the book again.

He almost always acknowledges me before I acknowledge him and he goes out of his way to shake my hand during the peace offering - sometimes leaning over two pews to shake my hand.


Now here's the biggie: There is a seventeen year age difference between he and I. However, he doesn't seem to let this affect the way he treats me. I also spoke with my parish priest about the age difference and my priest told me he did not believe the age difference was a problem.


I'm just confused. First off, I'm confused about my own feelings for him. I love spending time with him - so much so that I am perfectly content if he and I were to just maintain a friendly relationship. However, no matter how much I try to stop it, every time I see him I seem to fall a little more. I had even told myself I would just try to avoid him, which I basically did for the latter half of December and part of January because I didn't want to be interested in this man. It just continued to grow, though, and one day during Mass I was praying about it and I just felt like I should talk to him. I didn't even know what I would talk to him about, but when we started talking it all came so naturally.

I had resigned myself to the fact that I would not meet a man at my parish because most of the parishioners are either married or elderly. This really didn't bother me, seeing as I don't consider Church to be a "pick-up" spot, though I will say that in our area there are so few Catholics that Mass is just about the only way you will find other available, devout Catholics. There are two other parishes I could attend if I was looking for someone, but this parish is the one that "fits" me and feels like home as soon as I walk in.

It's just odd because I was not initially attracted to this man, but after getting to know him and spending some time with him, I am attracted to him both physically and spiritually. Trust me, my feelings for this man are no where near impure. I cannot describe how I feel about him. I admire how devout he is in his faith and how he seems to give up most of his life for his work in the parish. I also respect how he interacts with the children of the parish and purposely stays youthful for their benefit.

I have spent half of December, all of January, and half of Feb. praying about this and I keep receiving "time" and "trust" as my answer, so I'm really not worried about the situation. I know that I am not going to make him aware that I am interested in him because I believe that if there IS something more to this, God will allow it to develop in a natural, pure fashion.

The point is: winking, arm touching, making sure to acknowledge me, etc. What does this mean in Catholic courtship? Does this mean he's just a friendly guy or does it mean he may be interested? To be honest, I'm awful at judging "body language" and/or reading between the lines when it comes to situations like this.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA SJA87! Great to have you here...

Well, I can tell you my cousin and her husband met in a Catholic church. They are now happily married, have a beautiful daughter, and things are going great for them.

I've also had one of my deepest and most powerful relationships with a woman I met at my parish as well. Our age difference was only 4 years, but the connection was amazing.

So in your situation here, does he behave this way with anyone else at church? What does that tell you?

But the real answers to the questions you are asking can only be found by spending more time together outside of church. It sounds like you two have a rapport and it is very likely in my opinion he is feeling the same way you do. I also see a very sound basis for a good relationship here.

So what are your thoughts and feelings on taking the initiative to ask him to get together outside of church? I would start there, take things one step at a time, and continue to build on the basis you already have established together.

[arwen]

Hey SJA!

Also a welcome from here!

I think that there is nothing wrong with your feelings, I think that what is making you uncertain is mostly attributed to the fact that the man probably has no clue you feel this way about him. You already know that the age-gap won't be a problem. I think that when one has a duty that is related to a church, that often you see that the people who are assigned to this duty, do so out of love and passion. That is I think your experience too, right? So it's really hard to read bodylanguage here. I think Friscodj is right, it would be good to 1. see how he behaves inside of church with others, and 2. to create some possibility of placing the contact OUTSIDE the setting of the church. I mean, he's also a person. He will probably enjoy a cup of coffee in a cosy place like most of us.

The way you describe your connection to him is a very good basis for a relationship. I feel the same way about my bf, we were long term friends before he told me there was more to his feelings. It comes down to taking a bit of a risk, I think. Maybe offer him a nice home made meal? Do you have a favourite location that is near to your town, where you could take a walk together? That kind of thing is good for friends, but also to see if there may be more.

Arwen

[SJA87]

First I want to start by thanking both of you for such warm and inviting replies; they are truly appreciated! You certainly know how to welcome a newbie.

I have observed him with others in Church and while he is nice to everyone, he generally seems a little more shy around others than he does around me. I have never witnessed him speaking with another woman the same way he does with me. I do know that there have been a few times during the peace offering he will wink at someone, but I've never seen him do this at any other time. With me, on the other hand, he winks at me as soon as he sees me in Church.

I would most definitely like to get to know him outside of Church, but I really don't know if I have the nerve to take that initiative. Our parish is going to be having a soup supper in the parish gym after Stations of the Cross every Friday during Lent and I thought maybe that would be a good time to get to know him on a more personal level, but I suppose that can only happen if he invites me to sit with him. He may think it a tad creepy if I just plop right down next to him. haha

Honestly, though, we have a McDonald's right next to our parish and quite often people will go to McDonald's after Mass. I thought of asking him if he would like to join me sometime, but that almost seems desperate.

Friscodj, thank you for sharing your stories about relationships that have blossomed in Church. I am a convert to Catholicism and all of my past relationships came out of secular settings - back then I wasn't too shy to tell the guy I was interested or do a little flirting. Now I prefer the more old-fashioned traditional approach - letting the guy take the initiative. Unfortunately, because women DO take the initiative most often anymore, most men wait for them. We've created a mess for ourselves, haven't we?

[hosswhispra]

Originally Posted by SJA87

I am a convert to Catholicism and all of my past relationships came out of secular settings - back then I wasn't too shy to tell the guy I was interested or do a little flirting. Now I prefer the more old-fashioned traditional approach - letting the guy take the initiative. Unfortunately, because women DO take the initiative most often anymore, most men wait for them. We've created a mess for ourselves, haven't we?

Welcom SJA87

I recommend the following book (which I read and liked very much):

The Unguide to Dating: A He Said/She Said on Relationships by Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz.

It is a Christian related book and it discusses both the pros and cons of the woman taking the initiative:

An honest look at the perils of Christian dating in the modern world! Written by singles for singles, this refreshingly funny book takes a unique, he said/she said look at the bewilderments of adult dating relationships. How do you get out of a dating drought? What are the pros and cons of women making the first move? And what's the deal with all the new relationship fads targeting single adults? Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz dive straight into the miry bog of Christian singledom to address these issues and more. They don't promise you a date in 30 days or less, but they do offer you hope and encouragement to help you navigate the pressures, trends, and temptations of dating as an adult.

From: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

I think that you should keep doing what you're doing: being friendly and receptive....then if he is interested he'll let you know eventually.

Good luck!

hosswhispra

[Locke2121]

Age smage...while I think a person needs to be mentally, emotionally and physically mature enough, age itself is so much garbage when it comes to a relationship. Just some stupid sterotype that society has placed on men and women to make everything look good. In actuality, if we were to go by the laws of the jungle, the women would be older than the men and relationships would be polygamist in nature!

Yes, these days more and more men would like the women to take the first step. So why don't you? Just ask him to lunch away from the church crowd. Its nothing serious, just getting to know one another better....then see how things go from there.

Remember what you said? He is an eligible man in a place where such people are rare...if you don't snatch him up, someone else will!

[quietgrl]

Are you talking about courtship instead of "dating" too?

[friscodj]

Well, if you aren't going to take the initiative to take this to the next level, at least consider perhaps taking the initiative to make it very clear you are interested and make it easy for him to ask you out.

For example, when you are talking about books, you could mention the bookstore by your house, and then maybe mention the coffee shop across the street from the bookstore you visit on the way to work.

Something like this, something that gives him a very easy opportunity to invite you out or at least direct the conversation towards that end.

Sometimes guys need a little more help than with this sort of thing than even prayers can lend...

[Caterina]

It sounds like it will grow into a beautiful relationship with time, romantic or platonic...