Fear of starting over

longhaircats · 02-04-2007, 09:47 AM

I am totally over my ex-boyfriend after finding out that he has been engaged and he was resentful towards me. I had two short relationships over the past 4 months after our breakup. I guess I was on rebound, because I wasn't remortolly attacted to them but I forced myself to like them.

Now I am completery over my ex and I am feeling a lot better on my own, I have to admit that I am scared to start over. I don't know what I want. I miss having someone close in my life, but at the same time I don't want to get involved with someone who could hurt me. Is this normal? Is this a part of healing process?

For example, I met someone who is a lot younger than me few weeks ago. I was very attacted to him, but my brain told me stay away from him because he could hurt me. In fact he was the first person I felt the spark and chemistry after my ex. I didn't feel those with the two rebound guys. But I kind of pushed him away by telling him that we want different things because I want to get married in 3-4 years. Then I asked myself, is this what I want? Should I just forget about relationship and enjoy the moment? I'm quite busy for my school work, and other activities that I have started (swiming, belly dancing etc). Why am I worrying so much if the person has a potential to have a long-term relationship with? Am I overly protective? Am I not ready to date?

Thanks for reading!

Parsley · 02-04-2007, 09:57 AM

I think it's just something that we'll all go through at some point. When you've been hurt by someone you loved so much it's hard to trust your own judgement again. You're clearly going to be protective of your heart and feelings after a break up. Even when you don't feel the pain anymore you can still remember how much it hurt. I know at the moment I'm driving myself crazy because I refuse to think that I'm that bad a judge of character that I would fall in love with someone who would go out of their way to hurt me. But then I wonder why my ex is acting the way he is.

I think if you're in doubt about dating, then you're not ready to. You could end up inadvertantly hurting someone if you try and then discover that it's just not for you just yet.

Lboogie23 · 02-04-2007, 10:22 AM

What you are feeling is totally normal!! You will probably always carry around the fear of not wanting to get hurt again, at least to some degree. But trust me, it gets better as time goes by and easier to date again.
If your pushing people away, i would say at this point that maybe its too early to date. Take time just for you , even if it is a year, get involved in all those things you were talking about that you do, this way you can really get to know yourself and you can know for sure what you want out of a relationship. But whenever you do start dating again, i would take it very slow. Don't keep thinking is this person a potential husband etc, just enjoy the getting to know part. Your going to be just fine, people go through this everyday, so remember your not alone.

longhaircats · 02-04-2007, 01:01 PM

Hi Parsley, Lboogie23,

Thank you very much for your responce and for telling me that it's normal to feel this way.

After my rebound relationship failed, I told myself that I am not ready to date and take some time off from dating, bececause I wasn't over my ex. Even I'm over ex now, I guess I am not completery myself yet. I do feel that I don't have a good judgement in men anymore. And my confidence level is still not fully recovered. I do want to meet new people and have fun, but maybe I am just not ready for a relationship....

02-04-2007, 09:47 AM	#1
longhaircats Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: In between UK and US Gender: Female Posts: 249	Fear of starting over I am totally over my ex-boyfriend after finding out that he has been engaged and he was resentful towards me. I had two short relationships over the past 4 months after our breakup. I guess I was on rebound, because I wasn't remortolly attacted to them but I forced myself to like them. Now I am completery over my ex and I am feeling a lot better on my own, I have to admit that I am scared to start over. I don't know what I want. I miss having someone close in my life, but at the same time I don't want to get involved with someone who could hurt me. Is this normal? Is this a part of healing process? For example, I met someone who is a lot younger than me few weeks ago. I was very attacted to him, but my brain told me stay away from him because he could hurt me. In fact he was the first person I felt the spark and chemistry after my ex. I didn't feel those with the two rebound guys. But I kind of pushed him away by telling him that we want different things because I want to get married in 3-4 years. Then I asked myself, is this what I want? Should I just forget about relationship and enjoy the moment? I'm quite busy for my school work, and other activities that I have started (swiming, belly dancing etc). Why am I worrying so much if the person has a potential to have a long-term relationship with? Am I overly protective? Am I not ready to date? Thanks for reading!

02-04-2007, 09:57 AM	#2
Parsley Offline Gold Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 946	I think it's just something that we'll all go through at some point. When you've been hurt by someone you loved so much it's hard to trust your own judgement again. You're clearly going to be protective of your heart and feelings after a break up. Even when you don't feel the pain anymore you can still remember how much it hurt. I know at the moment I'm driving myself crazy because I refuse to think that I'm that bad a judge of character that I would fall in love with someone who would go out of their way to hurt me. But then I wonder why my ex is acting the way he is. I think if you're in doubt about dating, then you're not ready to. You could end up inadvertantly hurting someone if you try and then discover that it's just not for you just yet. __________________ ~I just want to see you...when you're all alone I just want to catch you if I can I just want to be there...when the morning light explodes On your face it radiates I can't escape...I love you till the end~

02-04-2007, 10:22 AM	#3
Lboogie23 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: new york Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 101	What you are feeling is totally normal!! You will probably always carry around the fear of not wanting to get hurt again, at least to some degree. But trust me, it gets better as time goes by and easier to date again. If your pushing people away, i would say at this point that maybe its too early to date. Take time just for you , even if it is a year, get involved in all those things you were talking about that you do, this way you can really get to know yourself and you can know for sure what you want out of a relationship. But whenever you do start dating again, i would take it very slow. Don't keep thinking is this person a potential husband etc, just enjoy the getting to know part. Your going to be just fine, people go through this everyday, so remember your not alone.

02-04-2007, 01:01 PM	#4
longhaircats Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: In between UK and US Gender: Female Posts: 249	Hi Parsley, Lboogie23, Thank you very much for your responce and for telling me that it's normal to feel this way. After my rebound relationship failed, I told myself that I am not ready to date and take some time off from dating, bececause I wasn't over my ex. Even I'm over ex now, I guess I am not completery myself yet. I do feel that I don't have a good judgement in men anymore. And my confidence level is still not fully recovered. I do want to meet new people and have fun, but maybe I am just not ready for a relationship....