My old friend, the alcoholic

finewhine · 02-01-2007, 02:53 PM

I had a terrific friend in college that was always something of an alcoholic, even when we were that young. He's a really great guy - smart, funny, clever, handsome - but a terrific drunk with a terrifying urge for alcohol.

I haven't seen him in person since a friend's wedding in 2002. We ended up sleeping together (I was drunk, too). We called each other occasionally because we remained friends. Never any romance between us - always just a great friendship with one silly mistake.

Flash forward to last year. He began calling me ALL THE TIME. I was involved in a serious relationship, so it was weird. He would call me late at night when he was drunk. I got sick of it and just stopped taking his calls, no explanation. Now he will call me once every six months. I never pick up.

So NOW he found me on MySpace. He sent me two messages, one of them asking if I was ever going to talk to him again.

Do I owe him an explanation? I CANNOT be friends with him until he cleans up his act. I don't need someone drunk-dialing me. It makes me nervous and a little offended. Plus, the guy just depresses me at this point. He's 30 years old and still acting like an 18 year-old frat boy. It's really scary.

Should I tell him that I won't be friends with him until he recognizes he has a problem? Should I tell him I don't like it when he calls me when he's drinking? Should I just say nothing at all? What do I owe him? What do I do????

itsallgrand · 02-01-2007, 02:57 PM

Yeah. I would tell him. In an non-offensive way.

He may be clueless at this point. Do him a favor and let him know why his friends are dropping him. I bet you aren't the only one.

BetterKarma · 02-01-2007, 03:01 PM

You don't owe him anything.

However, if this is really bothering you then I would respond back to him that you just don't like people drunk dialing you. I wouldn't get too involved in what you think his problem is because that will put him on the defensive and you are not that close with him.

Just let him know that you don't appreciate the drunk dialing and that you're more than happy to talk to him when he's not drinking.

finewhine · 02-01-2007, 03:15 PM

I just sent him a short, vague message saying that I've been busy, and he responded like I haven't been avoiding his calls for the last year!

I just sent him a friendly, noncommittal message back. Maybe the explanation can wait until he tries to call me when he's drunk again. I think this is really weird - I mean, what is this guy's deal?

BetterKarma · 02-01-2007, 03:29 PM

Please do not have a conversation with him when he's drunk because that conversation will not be productive.

Depending on whether or not you want to maintain this friendship, I would just tell him the truth. "I don't like people drunk dialing me and it seems like every time you call me, you are intoxicated. This is the reason why I have not been in touch."

itsallgrand · 02-01-2007, 03:34 PM

He sounds clueless! Drunks usually are. They don't realize what a pain in the rear they are to others until someone tells them and makes clear boundaries.

I stand behind my initial post. But if you can't do that, at least spare yourself the pain of trying to rationalize with someone when they are drunk. It'll go in one ear and out the other, and just frustrate you.

BeStrongBeHappy · 02-01-2007, 09:27 PM

i think that with someone like this, the best favor you could ever do him is to be very blunt and to the point... tell him directly that you think he has a drinking problem, and needs to get professional help.

also tell him straight out that you do not appreciate being drunk dialed, and it is really putting you off, so he needs to stop doing it. you don't need to go into any other details, just straight to the point, he has a drinking problem, and you do NOT appreciate the contact with him at all, nor want it anymore. then block him from your phone, your MySpace etc.

for people who are alcoholics, it usually takes some really big events to snap them out of it and make them realize their behavior is offensive and not good for themselves or other people. maybe he has to lose a few friends to get the point that he's a mess and change his life, but you continuing to sugarcoat your message will just enable him to continue in his own fantasy that acting this way is OK and other people have to tolerate it, if only he waits long enough or bothers them enough...

BeStrongBeHappy · 02-01-2007, 09:30 PM

btw, telling him anything when he is drunk won't help.. he most likely won't even remember what you told him! so do it when he's sober, or in an email where you collect your thoughts, say what you're going to say, then be done with it... don't let him wheedle or make you feel guilty. he's the one behaving boorishly, not you!

finewhine · 02-07-2007, 11:45 PM

A belated thanks for the advice. I just got another message from him and was reminded of this issue. Yecch!

I like the idea of sending him an e-mail explaining why I won't be his friend now. How can I phrase this? I was thinking of something like,

Dear Friend,

The reason I have been out of touch is because you're always drunk when you call me. It freaks me out, and I don't like talking to drunk people. I really hope you get help. Please call me when you have so we can resume our friendship. I like you so much, and it's very hard to see a great guy like you fall into this sort of lifestyle.

Something like that? Still feels like overstepping my place....

02-01-2007, 02:53 PM	#1
finewhine Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 658	My old friend, the alcoholic I had a terrific friend in college that was always something of an alcoholic, even when we were that young. He's a really great guy - smart, funny, clever, handsome - but a terrific drunk with a terrifying urge for alcohol. I haven't seen him in person since a friend's wedding in 2002. We ended up sleeping together (I was drunk, too). We called each other occasionally because we remained friends. Never any romance between us - always just a great friendship with one silly mistake. Flash forward to last year. He began calling me ALL THE TIME. I was involved in a serious relationship, so it was weird. He would call me late at night when he was drunk. I got sick of it and just stopped taking his calls, no explanation. Now he will call me once every six months. I never pick up. So NOW he found me on MySpace. He sent me two messages, one of them asking if I was ever going to talk to him again. Do I owe him an explanation? I CANNOT be friends with him until he cleans up his act. I don't need someone drunk-dialing me. It makes me nervous and a little offended. Plus, the guy just depresses me at this point. He's 30 years old and still acting like an 18 year-old frat boy. It's really scary. Should I tell him that I won't be friends with him until he recognizes he has a problem? Should I tell him I don't like it when he calls me when he's drinking? Should I just say nothing at all? What do I owe him? What do I do????

02-01-2007, 02:57 PM	#2
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,783	Yeah. I would tell him. In an non-offensive way. He may be clueless at this point. Do him a favor and let him know why his friends are dropping him. I bet you aren't the only one.

02-01-2007, 03:01 PM	#3
BetterKarma Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: US Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 968	You don't owe him anything. However, if this is really bothering you then I would respond back to him that you just don't like people drunk dialing you. I wouldn't get too involved in what you think his problem is because that will put him on the defensive and you are not that close with him. Just let him know that you don't appreciate the drunk dialing and that you're more than happy to talk to him when he's not drinking.

02-01-2007, 03:15 PM	#4
finewhine Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 658	I just sent him a short, vague message saying that I've been busy, and he responded like I haven't been avoiding his calls for the last year! I just sent him a friendly, noncommittal message back. Maybe the explanation can wait until he tries to call me when he's drunk again. I think this is really weird - I mean, what is this guy's deal?

02-01-2007, 03:29 PM	#5
BetterKarma Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: US Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 968	Please do not have a conversation with him when he's drunk because that conversation will not be productive. Depending on whether or not you want to maintain this friendship, I would just tell him the truth. "I don't like people drunk dialing me and it seems like every time you call me, you are intoxicated. This is the reason why I have not been in touch."

02-01-2007, 03:34 PM	#6
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,783	He sounds clueless! Drunks usually are. They don't realize what a pain in the rear they are to others until someone tells them and makes clear boundaries. I stand behind my initial post. But if you can't do that, at least spare yourself the pain of trying to rationalize with someone when they are drunk. It'll go in one ear and out the other, and just frustrate you.

02-01-2007, 09:27 PM	#7
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	i think that with someone like this, the best favor you could ever do him is to be very blunt and to the point... tell him directly that you think he has a drinking problem, and needs to get professional help. also tell him straight out that you do not appreciate being drunk dialed, and it is really putting you off, so he needs to stop doing it. you don't need to go into any other details, just straight to the point, he has a drinking problem, and you do NOT appreciate the contact with him at all, nor want it anymore. then block him from your phone, your MySpace etc. for people who are alcoholics, it usually takes some really big events to snap them out of it and make them realize their behavior is offensive and not good for themselves or other people. maybe he has to lose a few friends to get the point that he's a mess and change his life, but you continuing to sugarcoat your message will just enable him to continue in his own fantasy that acting this way is OK and other people have to tolerate it, if only he waits long enough or bothers them enough...

02-01-2007, 09:30 PM	#8
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	btw, telling him anything when he is drunk won't help.. he most likely won't even remember what you told him! so do it when he's sober, or in an email where you collect your thoughts, say what you're going to say, then be done with it... don't let him wheedle or make you feel guilty. he's the one behaving boorishly, not you!

02-07-2007, 11:45 PM	#9
finewhine Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 658	A belated thanks for the advice. I just got another message from him and was reminded of this issue. Yecch! I like the idea of sending him an e-mail explaining why I won't be his friend now. How can I phrase this? I was thinking of something like, Dear Friend, The reason I have been out of touch is because you're always drunk when you call me. It freaks me out, and I don't like talking to drunk people. I really hope you get help. Please call me when you have so we can resume our friendship. I like you so much, and it's very hard to see a great guy like you fall into this sort of lifestyle. Something like that? Still feels like overstepping my place....