Got back together, i dont find her attractive.

basic999 · 01-25-2007, 11:34 PM

Ok i dumped my girlfriend over a year ago, we got back together 6 months ago. she started seeing someone else for the first time, i freaked and begged her back.

heres the thing, I got back into a relationship with her, and now i rarely find her attractive, some days i do, some i don't, i pick her apart, shes a beautiful girl, yet i don't feel anything sexual for her about 65% of the time, i don't even want to kiss her.

She moved on after seeing no one for months after we broke up, had sex with some fat loser that was "so sweet to her" and she dumped him when i came back into her life. Ive always thought she was hot, yet now all i can think about is her and him, it makes me so angry shed give it up to someone like him and i get mad at her and dont want to do anything with "some fat, gross, douchebags leftovers" or at least thats how i see it sometimes, is there anything i can do to change this? i know its my fault she had sex with someone else, i dumped her, i realize all that, that still doesn't change the fact i see her as repulsive most of the time. I love her, shes a great girl, but how can i be with someone i don't find 1 bit attractive.

Theres more to this really, when things with us are good, i start freaking about wasting my childhood, giving up the best years of my life etc. (im 21 btw), and i make the decision to end our relationship, then as soon as i do, i start freaking about losing this girl ive been through so much and made so many plans with, and i start worrying about never finding anyone again, and i really start worrying about her going out and acting like a ho and tarnishing everything we ever had and embarrassing me. Im being selfish, i realize that, but i cant help it.

What do i do? i only want her when i dont have her, and when i have her i want someone else.

truevox · 01-25-2007, 11:41 PM

I have never been in your position before, so I'm not really sure what to say. I'll say this though: If you have feelings for her, any at all, you should really consider couples therapy. I wish my love and I could have done it before she left me (she didn't want to though). It *CAN* help.

Also, don't worry about finding someone else. If you're just with her because you don't think you can do better, then you DO need to revisit your relationship.

Consider couples therapy. It can't make things worse, I wouldn't think.

Good luck, I'd give anything to be in your position (but then, I guess the grass *IS* always greener...).

basic999 · 01-25-2007, 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by truevox

I have never been in your position before, so I'm not really sure what to say. I'll say this though: If you have feelings for her, any at all, you should really consider couples therapy. I wish my love and I could have done it before she left me (she didn't want to though). It *CAN* help.

Also, don't worry about finding someone else. If you're just with her because you don't think you can do better, then you DO need to revisit your relationship.

Consider couples therapy. It can't make things worse, I wouldn't think.

Good luck, I'd give anything to be in your position (but then, I guess the grass *IS* always greener...).

Here is my deal, i am afraid ill be in your shoes in a year if i break up with her. Im insanely jealous and if i broke up with her and truly found time to appreciate what i had, then came back and shed done anything with any guy during that time, i dont have the tools to forgive her and id be right back where i started, before we broke up my huge problem was what she did before we were together, now this happened i dont think about that other stuff so much, and i only think about what happened during our break up even though i did way more with more people. Im being crazy, but ive never felt that kind of pain so it really makes the good just seem mediocre to me.

i lost all respect for her and she takes anything i throw at her and she never gets hurt, i dunno, maybe getting even with her is my motivation to be with her, to really make her pay, im a twisted person and i really wish i could change it.

I could always live the rest of my life under the influence of some sort of drug, that always seems fix all my problems.

lifestream · 01-26-2007, 12:05 AM

You don't find her attractive because you're still jealous! Let go of your jealousy. She let it go to someone. Who the hell cares? It's her body and her mind, she can give it to whomever she wants.
Stop whining and work on the relationship. You must work on yourself, and be selfless. This is NOT a healthy relationship. Work on love, not on jealousy. If the relationship is based on jealousy, then what kind of relationship is it?

CarnelianButterfly · 01-26-2007, 12:07 AM

I think you need therapy. Not as a couple, just you. These are serious issues and if you don't see someone its not going to get better.

basic999 · 01-26-2007, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarnelianButterfly

I think you need therapy. Not as a couple, just you. These are serious issues and if you don't see someone its not going to get better.

your probly right, I almost said "im a smart guy, a therapist wont help because he wont tell me anything i dont know already, i dont think anything can help my jealousy" But then again, i obviously came here looking for some sort of therapy so maybe i should suck it up and try it.

CarnelianButterfly · 01-26-2007, 12:20 AM

It would be a good idea.

**annie24** · 01-26-2007, 12:31 AM

it sounds like you like the thrill of the chase and what keeps you bound to her is a sense of "ownership." what do you actually like about her? do you want to grow old with her? have her be the mother of your children? you are young, and she is not the only woman out there. If you don't feel that she is the one for you, do yourself and her a favor and find the people you are meant for.

i find it a bit concerning that you talk about her "going out and acting like a ho." she is young and when she is single, it is her body and her life and she can do as she pleases. I don't think you can say that she is "tarnishing what you had" if you are the one considering breaking up with her. afterall, she was free and single when she had sex with "the fat guy." I think she should have stayed with him, it sounds like he appreciated her more.

basic999 · 01-26-2007, 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by annie24

it sounds like you like the thrill of the chase and what keeps you bound to her is a sense of "ownership." what do you actually like about her? do you want to grow old with her? have her be the mother of your children? you are young, and she is not the only woman out there. If you don't feel that she is the one for you, do yourself and her a favor and find the people you are meant for.

i find it a bit concerning that you talk about her "going out and acting like a ho." she is young and when she is single, it is her body and her life and she can do as she pleases. I don't think you can say that she is "tarnishing what you had" if you are the one considering breaking up with her. afterall, she was free and single when she had sex with "the fat guy." I think she should have stayed with him, it sounds like he appreciated her more.

the sense of ownership is there, and its bad, yes i could see myself growing old with her, yes i cant think of anyone else id ever want to have my kids, and also yes i feel like i own her, and she allows me to, she is wayyy to submissive, and thats the reason i am the way i am when it comes to her. theres nothing i can really do to change that, i cant just flip a switch

**annie24** · 01-26-2007, 12:40 AM

do you not respect her because she lets you walk all over her? I mean, is she submissive in the sense that she doesn't call you out on bad behavior? what if she just up and left you tomorrow? how would you feel?

01-25-2007, 11:34 PM	#1
basic999 Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 24	Got back together, i dont find her attractive. Ok i dumped my girlfriend over a year ago, we got back together 6 months ago. she started seeing someone else for the first time, i freaked and begged her back. heres the thing, I got back into a relationship with her, and now i rarely find her attractive, some days i do, some i don't, i pick her apart, shes a beautiful girl, yet i don't feel anything sexual for her about 65% of the time, i don't even want to kiss her. She moved on after seeing no one for months after we broke up, had sex with some fat loser that was "so sweet to her" and she dumped him when i came back into her life. Ive always thought she was hot, yet now all i can think about is her and him, it makes me so angry shed give it up to someone like him and i get mad at her and dont want to do anything with "some fat, gross, douchebags leftovers" or at least thats how i see it sometimes, is there anything i can do to change this? i know its my fault she had sex with someone else, i dumped her, i realize all that, that still doesn't change the fact i see her as repulsive most of the time. I love her, shes a great girl, but how can i be with someone i don't find 1 bit attractive. Theres more to this really, when things with us are good, i start freaking about wasting my childhood, giving up the best years of my life etc. (im 21 btw), and i make the decision to end our relationship, then as soon as i do, i start freaking about losing this girl ive been through so much and made so many plans with, and i start worrying about never finding anyone again, and i really start worrying about her going out and acting like a ho and tarnishing everything we ever had and embarrassing me. Im being selfish, i realize that, but i cant help it. What do i do? i only want her when i dont have her, and when i have her i want someone else.

01-25-2007, 11:41 PM	#2
truevox Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New Hampshire Gender: Male Age: 26 Posts: 32	I have never been in your position before, so I'm not really sure what to say. I'll say this though: If you have feelings for her, any at all, you should really consider couples therapy. I wish my love and I could have done it before she left me (she didn't want to though). It CAN help. Also, don't worry about finding someone else. If you're just with her because you don't think you can do better, then you DO need to revisit your relationship. Consider couples therapy. It can't make things worse, I wouldn't think. Good luck, I'd give anything to be in your position (but then, I guess the grass IS always greener...).

01-26-2007, 12:05 AM	#4
lifestream Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Toronto Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 204	You don't find her attractive because you're still jealous! Let go of your jealousy. She let it go to someone. Who the hell cares? It's her body and her mind, she can give it to whomever she wants. Stop whining and work on the relationship. You must work on yourself, and be selfless. This is NOT a healthy relationship. Work on love, not on jealousy. If the relationship is based on jealousy, then what kind of relationship is it?

01-26-2007, 12:07 AM	#5
CarnelianButterfly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Too far from home Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 4,473	I think you need therapy. Not as a couple, just you. These are serious issues and if you don't see someone its not going to get better.

01-26-2007, 12:20 AM	#7
CarnelianButterfly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Too far from home Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 4,473	It would be a good idea.

01-26-2007, 12:31 AM	#8
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,814	it sounds like you like the thrill of the chase and what keeps you bound to her is a sense of "ownership." what do you actually like about her? do you want to grow old with her? have her be the mother of your children? you are young, and she is not the only woman out there. If you don't feel that she is the one for you, do yourself and her a favor and find the people you are meant for. i find it a bit concerning that you talk about her "going out and acting like a ho." she is young and when she is single, it is her body and her life and she can do as she pleases. I don't think you can say that she is "tarnishing what you had" if you are the one considering breaking up with her. afterall, she was free and single when she had sex with "the fat guy." I think she should have stayed with him, it sounds like he appreciated her more.

01-26-2007, 12:40 AM	#10
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,814	do you not respect her because she lets you walk all over her? I mean, is she submissive in the sense that she doesn't call you out on bad behavior? what if she just up and left you tomorrow? how would you feel?