Jump to content

Arranged Wedding - The First Night Being Together


Recommended Posts

Just wondering what you would do.

 

Scenario:

 

You are getting married to a lady who you have only seen pictures of and heard stories about from family members. You are getting warm to her. You have had a prior relationship and it did not work out and so you know this will be the best, both religion, culture and personal self. She is nice, warm hearted and you know she is safe (i.e. trustworthy). You both have not met (yet) but you ache to meet her.

 

On comes the wedding, which is done in a foreign country as that is where she is based (after marriage you will arrange for her to come back to the UK). Anyway, You both sit next to each other for the first time in the wedding reception (due to religion, culture etc). You both are happy, but at the same time nervous. Moving quickly on. Now comes the time when everyone else leaves, the wedding music dies down, the last conversations of the day end with relatives and you two (bride and groom) are sent to your decorated room (large bed, flowers, warm etc etc). It is THE WEDDING NIGHT, the "honey moon" so to speak. You don't know each other etc.

 

What would you do? You have waited for this time for a long time. You know that the first time you have sex you want it to be special but you also dont know this lady fully, you dont know what she expects but you know that she is shy and that she will not say "lets have sex, or why didnt we have sex etc". You know that she will be a virgin too, due to religion, culture etc. So she may not be fully sexually aware as you are. You also dont want to upset her, do disappoint her -you dont know if she would be expecting to have sex tonight (wedding night). You want her to be happy. You want her to have everything you would want. She is afterall now your wife.

 

What would you do? Again, would you wait, just talk and get to know each other and once you go on a "true" honey moon somewhere have great sex?

 

Again lol what would you do.

Link to comment

That is a really unusual question. If I had just met my uh... wife... I would most definitely not want to have sex on that first night. I can't even believe the amount of stress I would be feeling, not to mention what she would be feeling. I'd probably want to talk to her a little bit, find out what her favorite food/drink is and get that from room service just to make her feel more comfortable, then keep getting to know her.

 

I really don't think sex would be on my plate for a while, I might not even like this woman. I've gotta know, why do you ask? Are you in this situation or are we talking hypothetical?

Link to comment
That is a really unusual question. If I had just met my uh... wife... I would most definitely not want to have sex on that first night. I can't even believe the amount of stress I would be feeling, not to mention what she would be feeling. I'd probably want to talk to her a little bit, find out what her favorite food/drink is and get that from room service just to make her feel more comfortable, then keep getting to know her.

 

I really don't think sex would be on my plate for a while, I might not even like this woman. I've gotta know, why do you ask? Are you in this situation or are we talking hypothetical?

 

I tought the saem thing exactly... There should be some conection first before you go jumping in the sack.

 

My girlfriend works with a guy from India who just went over there to be married to a stranger.

Link to comment

Well, if it were me, I'd do everything I could to avoid being in this situation to begin with. However, if it somehow happened, sex wouldn't be on my mind for awhile. I don't think there's anyway I could have sex with someone I barely know.

 

Also, I was thinking the same thing as Halo: is this hypothetical, or are you facing a situation like the one in your question?

Link to comment

Not sure. I might want to date my new wife for a while first. You don't have to do it the first night. There's no rule that says so.

 

One of my Cambodian friends had an arranged marriage and both he and his wife were virgins and they were both freaked out and scared about the wedding night. They were acquaintances at least. Not total strangers. It seems like a frightening scenario and all to real for millions of people around the world.

 

They got through it somehow. Their first night? I don't know. I never asked and I never will.

 

My cousins are so proper that they probably all had to deal with something similar to this on their wedding night. i.e. - never touched each other before, well not beyond holding hands or a hug. Some of them picked their marriage partners, but others were picked by their father (a preacher). Yipes. However, they did at least know each other well before getting married and they all had veto power to the marriage, and some used it too.

Link to comment

True, and I find arranged marriages odd as well, but let's remember they were the norm for far longer than marriages based on romantic love. Marriages were, after all, for the most based on property rights and clan alignments etc.

 

And I have read stuff that shows arranged marriages, when run effectively and respectfully for both parties, can turn out best of all. Parents pick the ones who have similar values, which extracts so much of the problems of current romances.

 

Having said that, no way would I let my parents pick my husband if I had a choice. No way. I also cannot imagine spendng the rest of my life, and the entire of my intimate life, with a stranger.

 

If I was in this situation there would be no way that I would want sex, as the woman. If I was the man I can imagine feeling the same way. No reason not to take some time to both get comfortable - you have the rest of your lives!

Link to comment

If I were in that situation then I would play it by ear. I could not say that I would have sex for her for sure. I would definitely start the motions but I dont know if the marriage would be consumated that night, unless there was a cultural expectation that it needed to happen on the wedding night then it is just more of a formality.

Link to comment
If I were in that situation then I would play it by ear. I could not say that I would have sex for her for sure. I would definitely start the motions but I dont know if the marriage would be consumated that night, unless there was a cultural expectation that it needed to happen on the wedding night then it is just more of a formality.

Formal sex?

 

>>holds fingers up like a cross

 

Back! Back I say!

Link to comment

Arranged marriages are still very common around the world among Asians, and Middle Easterners, and yes even among conservative Christian white people right here in the US of A. Like my many cousins for example.

 

I've had many Asian American friends. That's why I know about it being still common with them. However, it's becoming less common among Asians Americans, and accommodations are now made in the cases where it still occurs. Like veto power for bride and groom. i.e. - their parents might choose the match or go to a match maker, but the bride and groom now date (possibly with chaparone) for months before the marriage to see if they like each other. Either party is free to say, "no thanks". Then the match is off and they can try again with someone else. Mind you, I can only say this is what I've observed with some of my close Asian friends and how they explained it to me. So it's not like they're forced to marry someone against their will. Well not anymore. At one time in the past, they didn't have veto power. I wonder how it is in Asia today? Do the prospective bride and groom have veto power? I don't know. Also, many Asian Americans today choose their own mates with no help from mom and dad, but they still want mom and dad's approval. Today, the arranged marriages for Asians in USA (at least as I've seen) are for those who are having difficulty finding a mate on their own. So really, it's not something forced on them anymore. Now it's just a backup plan to help them.

 

The same exact thing describes my cousins as well. Now that's white people who are ultra conservative Christians. However, what I describe about Asians above also exactly describes my cousins and everyone else in their far right ultra conservative church, which is a nationwide church by the way. Arranged marriages among white people in the USA is alive and well. Actually though, I'd say they have less freedom than the Asian Americans typically do becaue although my cousins were allowed a veto, if they wanted it, they were not allowed fair opportunity to find their own choice of mate. Some did manage to find and choose their own, but most had to go the arranged marriage route because they had no other options since their father made sure they were not in contact with young people outside their church. Well, the women anyway. The men have substantially more freedom. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying that's how it is. Now you see why I don't want to marry into that? Even though one of their inlaws has a mutual like and attraction with me, I just don't want to marry into that culture.

 

I'm getting away from that culture. I don't want to turn around and marry deeper into it than where I started. Now you can also see why I'm loosening up as I get older. It's only natural to loosen up as I get older when I started out so uptight in the beginning.

 

Then there's the Middle East. I only know what I've seen on documentaries. I saw that women in many places there have no freedom, and the men only have as much as their father allows. That means arranged marriages with no veto power and no complaint. Complaining could get you beaten or killed. At least that's what I saw in documentary. I have no direct personal experience with Middle Eastern culture. I do have one good male friend from Afghanistan and another from Iran, but they both fled those countries years ago and married white American women. So those guys are not an example of Middle Eastern culture. They're examples of guys who adopted American culture as their own.

Link to comment
Formal sex?

 

>>holds fingers up like a cross

 

Back! Back I say!

 

Yes I know that it was a tradition in the Middle Ages that if the marriage was not consumated then it could be nullified. It got so bad that family members were present in the bedroom to make sure that the marriage was consumated. It is also a cultural belief that a woman should get pregnant within a reasonable time of her getting marriage, this also insured that the marriage was consumated. I am not accustomed to formalities of an arranged marriage so I do not know what the expectations are. I believe that if we look at antiquity then we can see that sex has been a formality. I also believe that sex is a formality in relationships to day but in a different sense.

Link to comment

It got so bad that family members were present in the bedroom to make sure that the marriage was consumated

 

EW! Talk about killing the mood! lol

 

To the original poster: I would say that if there are no cultural influences "forcing" them to have sex, & the 2 people mentioned are not comfortable with sex on the first night- then they should wait until they are ready. Just because it is the honeymoon does not mean that sex HAS to happen.

 

I was in a relationship for many years before getting married (not arranged) and my husband and I did not even have sex on our wedding night. We were exhausted, drunk, and stuffed with wedding cake. We both ended up falling asleep as soon as we got home. I think there are many couples who do not have sex on their wedding night for various reasons.

 

BellaDonna

Link to comment

uhhh....can't believe they're still around? That is a very intricate part of quite a few cultures.

 

Mystery Man - I guess my advice too is to play it by ear. It may not be an issue at all. She may be fully aware of her role, accept it and bo Ok with it all. If it feels forced and uncomfortable, I would recommend doing things to ease the discomfort first. Likewise, she may actually talk to you and let you know where she's at with everything.

 

Just let it play out and see where it goes is MY opinion.

Link to comment

What a fun thread!

 

Regarding the idea of arranged marriages, I have alot of respect for this set-up and I think it can be the basis for a solid and beautiful life-long union between two people (as can common-law relationships, gay relationships, etc.)

 

But that wasn't the point of the thread, so back on topic...

 

What would I do? Well, I'm not a guy so I will approach this from the woman's side... First, I think there's a very good chance that she's not a virgin. Even when the religion and/or culture stipulate that a woman should not have sex until marriage, a large proportion of the women have sex anyway. They can even get operations on their hymen to ensure that they bleed. So there's absolutely no way to know if she's really a virgin. However, let's say she is a virgin. Personally, if I were a virgin, I would be jumping up and down to get some. But that's just me and I'm just a horny freak.

Link to comment
Yes I know that it was a tradition in the Middle Ages that if the marriage was not consumated then it could be nullified.

 

Isn't that still the case today? You can get an anullment any time prior to sex? I think that's still the law in USA. Isn't it?

 

It got so bad that family members were present in the bedroom to make sure that the marriage was consumated.

 

I saw on history channel that in Medieval Russia, the clergy (priest or bishop) was also present, especially if a royal wedding. Family present to. All for legal witnesses. So not just present, but watching every detail to make sure.

Link to comment

FYI - most of the arranged marriages I mentioned where I personally know the people involved have worked out very well over 10+ years and they are very happy together. A couple of them are unhappy marriages.

 

However, those stats are actually better than the USA national norm by far. Perhaps parents know a few things after all?

 

Yet, I'm against arranged marriages where one person or both are forced to marry someone they don't want.

 

If they both feel they want each other, then it's fine that they had help finding each other.

Link to comment

I would say that on the whole, two people can enjoy life together whether they met in a night club or because they were "arranged" to be together.. You just have to get rid of the silly notion of "The One". (The idea that there is only one person in the world suited to each other person)

 

I mean if you marry someone at 25, you might be in love with them then, but when you are both 35, your opinions of everything will have changed... Who's to say you'll still be in love? People generally are, but I think it's because of those 10 years cementing the relationship. But those 10 years would have occurred anyway whether you met in a night club or had an arranged marriage, as long as you both put the effort in.

 

But I agree with Aurian, the option to divorce would be a factor in breaking up many marriages - where that option didn't exist, people would be forced to try and at least get along because it wouldn't occur to them that they could just leave

Link to comment
I personally wouldn't marry anyone I didn't choose to. I don't care what cultural issues are present here it is a backward mentality. What kind of a life would it be to marry someone who you share little with or maybe not even attracted to?

 

Neither would I. But if you or I came from a place where everybody does it, and were raised on that idea, we might have a different view on things.

 

One thing I think - and I hate to go off in a tangent here - is that we in the "west" are often told to accept that strange (to us) customs go on ("because that's their culture"). But the question shouldn't be whether that's their culture, it should be whether they want that to be their culture. IMHO, no one should do things "just because it's tradition" if there is a better alternative

 

I would be very interested to hear what the views of people from places where arranged marriages are common are.

Link to comment

Yes I am "from that culture". This is what has happened to me. It is not to say that I am being forced to do this. It is part of religious laws and long term traditions. To tell you a bit about this it is like part of the culture from where I come from. It is not "uncommon" for people in our culture.

 

Some people who are far from the culture (the rebels, so to speak) who are acculturated into western ways prefer to find their own wives, going out clubbing, drinking, having pre-marital sex etc. They say they are religious or that they are from the culture but they only fool themselves. Now some of you will be questioning. To put it into perspective. For example. THis is an american site, so if someone didn't celebrate erm I dont know (from the UK) lets say some one didnt celebrate independence day or something like that which was at the centre of the american culture then they are not a part of that culture.

 

Anyway going a bit off topic. Back to the topic. Arranged marriages ARE still extremly popular in culture. Approx. 80% of marriages in our culture happen this way and also in the middle east and other areas they happen like this. It is not all that scary, it is a BIG gamble but you both can choose, you do have a say as to who you would liketo marry otherwise it is not legally biding. And as some of you ahve stated, it can be extremely rewarding if you both try. They tend to be more stronger than love marriages. You will love eventually. Like i said it is a gamble. approx 7 out of every 10 arranged marriages work.

 

Anyway, what I was really wanting is someone from this culture (of arranged marriages) who has either been in this situation or is about to be in this situation to state what they would do. Does the lady expect sex or does it really matter if it does not happen that night and to build a relationship first. Its personal i know but every little helps.

Link to comment

Does the lady expect sex or does it really matter if it does not happen that night and to build a relationship first.

 

I think you'll get your most accurate answer if you ask the actual woman in question. She is going to be your wife so you want to start things off right and you may as well start good communication.

 

Even if one wife in an arranged marriage said she wanted sex right away on her wedding night- another may not feel the same way at all. Your best bet is to ask the source directly- your future wife-, and it takes all the guesswork/pressure out of it.

 

BellaDonna

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...